Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy What to do?

I could use some help, even if it is just to be heard. Any advice is very welcome.

Married 7 years, DD5. Bomb dropped 13 months back (ILYBNILWY). STBXW moved to guest bedroom in January. We began divorce process in May, using a "collaborative" practice. I suspected W was seeing someone throughout, but there was little proof. All along she's been indicating a strong need to see other men. However, I've insisted that she would need to move out if this was the case. She has not been willing to move out because she would not be able to afford a house (nor own an apartment). Financially I would keep most everything in a Divorce (per the law), and I do not feel like taking myself out of a house to go to a Condo, just so she can own one too.

At the end of the summer W went to the Burning Man festival. I now know that she hooked up with 3 different guys there, and has maintained flirty contact every since, and is making plans to hook up again with all of them. She is also now in a deep and intense sexual and emotional affair with one of them. This guy is married, but you never know what could happen. I'm devastated. She does not know that I know all of this.

In her mind this is not really cheating or an affair because she "dumped" me a year ago, moved to guest room in Jan, and we're hammering out a divorce agreement.

W's main complaint about our marriage is that "something was always missing", and that we did not have a very intense sex life or strong emotional connection. She also, now, acknowledges that she had a role in all of this too and that she never expressed what she really needed (instead she would complain and try to control). But... she has no interest in working on this with me. She wants to apply Imago therapy, etc. to her next relationship.

In preparation for the Divorce wife started working again (after 6 years off), but just lost her job. While I make good $, we really can't afford two households just on my salary. I have some savings, but do not want to drain that (in this market).

The current situation is just so painful. It is very hard for both of us. I'd love for W to come around, but I also hurt because we are co-living but she shows nothing towards me and is very cold. Also, she feels caged by me and by the circumstances, because "I control the purse strings", and she can not move out.

I can't decide what to do. things I've considered:

1) Ask her to leave the house because the current situation is unbearable, on the basis of her wanting to date others. She would not be able to afford much, and renting at the low-end of the market here would not be an ideal situation for our daughter.

2) Offer that I'm ok with her dating, provided there's an interest in working on us/marriage. However, if there isn't such an interest then she would need to leave.

3) Let her be and continue to hammer out the divorce agreement. Have her face the realities as they come out, and in the meantime be in this painful co-habitating situation with her cheating all along.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

If OM is married she is cheating.....even if she doesn't consider herself cheating on you she is cheating on OM's W.

Personally I would contact OM's wife and add a dose or reality into the situation. Your W sounds like she is living in La La land.

Also how the heck can she work on you whilst still out dating - that's just rubbish. For it to work with you she must have no contact with these OM in any romantic way at all - infact no contact with these men she has already hooked up with in one way or another.

How long until the D is anticipated to be final?

Thanks for the replies.

I answer to your questions, since it's a collaborative process we've been discussing options/mechanisms for the past 4 months. However, no one has filed anything with the courts, so if we come to agreement within the next month (a big IF). Then we would file, and it would be finalized six months later. I'd say that this was the likely timeline before W lost her job 2 weeks ago. It is going to take her a looong time to get another job in this market.

Wife has been desiring the collaborative process in the hopes of negotiating something better then the courts would provide. I had agreed to this process, in the hopes of maintaining as amicable a relationship as possible, rather than going down the "scortched earth" litigation route.

We're meeting with lawyers this coming week, and I'm coming to the conclusion that no matter what I do/what happens, I need to make it super "real" and blunt, in terms of the package W can expect.

It is hard for me to see her coming around to loving / desiring anything to do with me - it will come across as a financial manipulation / coercion, and la la land or not, she'll just want to escape the cage.

Her contention is/was that "I don't know her", and that she "can't be herself" around me. Of course that's a function of her not sharing or communicating her self and needs. So my thought was to come across as open minded about the things that she's doing, so that we can get to know each other again then as phase 2 ask her to just work on us. The guy she is seeing told her she should stay with me, and at one point said that there's hope for both marriages to reconcile -- I think that's because he has decided not to leave his family, and because he likes having sex play on the side.

Again, the one barrier that I keep bumping up against is that it is almost impossible for me to see how she will miraculously decide to give it a go with me, when she's convinced that she has zero attraction or connection with me... and that it was missing from the start.

Listen, she's in the "fog" of new romance and it totally blocks the feelings that she has for you. You cannot believe anything that they say. Don't let this get to you. My W says the same things. But we both know it's not true. Yes, it's true she has no feelings for you right now and that's because of the OM. When he decides that he is done and wants his family back; she'll be grieving the loss of him. If that happens, you may be right, he might continue just for the no strings attached sex. But if his W finds out; he might end it.

Then the real work will start because she may come back at that point and try to reconcile. she might also go look for another OM. That's not the point however. The point is you've got to look out for you and make yourself better. You will not be able to "work on us" until she decides that she's ready to "work on us."

Just remember all this talk from her about how she never loved you and can't be the real me is justification in her mind to do what she's wanting to do.

Yup, she is waaay into the fog with this PA over the past month. However, from Jan till August she was not having this type of relationship, and still felt like escaping the marriage. The reasons she didn't leave then were that I stood for the M rather than go down a fast path divorce path; I would not cave and give her more than what the law provides; She did not have a stable job yet.

In terms of exposure, I've actually thought about contacting the guy and telling him to back off or I'll contact his Wife and workplace. I figured this might be a good starting point since:
1) If I tell his W she may go nuclear and push him out, which will cement my wife and OM.
2) I know he mentioned to my W that he thinks she should try to reconcile, as it would be best for her (although he'd clearly like to maintain some fringe benefits)
3) I could always contact his wife later, since I have proof.

I fear though that even with exposure of this relationship, W would just seek a new relationship, rather than come around to me. Heck, she will probably harbor some hatred towards me (for ruining her plans, and to cover her guilt)

Ah it's hard. I've been planning to have a talk with W on Sunday night, and still don't know what to do.

Onward,

I'm with S&S on this.

The reason why I asked you how much longer until any D might be final, if that's indeed the way this thing goes, is that if it's going to be any length of time (and it sounds like it is), then I think you're going to have to lay down (and enforce) sound boundaries, for the sake of your own dignity and self-esteem. Your wife is rubbing your nose in this, and the longer it goes on, the more it's going to eat at you.

Do NOT confront the OM. It only elevates him in importance.

I do think you should expose their affair to the OM's wife. She has a right to know.

Puppy

No, that's a function of her brain's all hopped up on PEAs and she's addicted to her affair, and while in this condition she CAN'T allow you to know her. She is emotionally blocked off to you, for physiological reasons. Until she ends her affair, there will be very little you can do to get thru to her as far as connecting on any meaningful emotional level.



Does this not tell her what kind of guy this man is??? Did she TELL you that he told her this???? If so, time for a truth dart from you to her: "I know you can't see it now, but that should tell you plenty about what his intentions are. I'll leave it at that."



Agreed. It's best she start dealing in some reality as soon as possible. I would also let her know that you have no intention of EVER accepting this man in her life, nor of being her "best friend" should she decide to end her marriage this way -- cutting and running.



I know it seems hopeless right now, but I'd encourage you to read other threads on these boards -- hundreds of them -- and you'll see that this "we never had a connection" thing is VERY much affair "script," and she likely doesn't mean it. It's called "re-writing marital history." Did she ever complain of this earlier in your marriage, BEFORE she had an affair? Or is this a recent complaint?



I strongly disagree. You want to come across as "open-minded" about her having an affair, and not working at her marriage? I think you'll quickly find that appeasement doesn't work. She is far more likely to respond to your STRENGTH than she is to your CONCILATION.

Can you recount for us, with as much specificity as possible, what happened when you first found out your wife was being unfaithful, and what you said and did?

Puppy

Yep, that's script. They all seem to follow it. Weird. My H said the whole I never loved you for about a day or 2, but dropped it cause I think even he realized it was crap. I have tons of cards & notes from him in the first 18 or 20 years of our R, that tell a different story. They say anything they can to justify what they know deep deep down isn't right. My H is now thinking that his A and D is good b/c it's really helped me, the kids, and himself! Crazy stuff they think, you can't use logic with them b/c they are almost anti-logic.

From what I've observed, it's like an addiction. My H wasn't able to text the OW once for 5 minutes while we played a game with my D8 and he was literally screaming and freaking out at us. I think that part of it is sad.

Glad you found us, this is a great group of people. Puppy gives the best advice ever and I have learned this through experience!!! Karen