Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis God grant me the patience and the strength...8

You've been given TONS of ammo...TONS of suggestions. You are just choosing to do the same thing you have always done.

I hope you are seeing changes in your husband, I really do. But like you said, you are not fine with one night a week. What's he doing the rest of his week? That would drive me crazy!!! I don't believe that you are fine with one night a week either.

Sun night thru Thurs night H works 10pm to 6am. He stops here some morninggs after work. Hangs out for about an hour. Then home to sleep. Don't know what he does during the day and evenings other than sleep and stop out here to do chores.

Friday night's he usually goes up to his BIL's and hangs out. He says he goes home anywhere from 9:30 to 10:30. But usually looks pretty rough come Sat am so I wonder if he really does go home or if he's had company. OW works one week Sat-Tues 6am to 6pm, Wed 6am to noon. And the next week Mon, Tues 6am to 6pm, Wed 6am to noon. So she is off Wed, Thurs, and Fri. So who know's what is really going on.

And for awhile lwb, it really was driving me crazy. But isn't that where "letting go" comes in to play. There is nothing I can do to stop him or change what he is doing. So I have to let it go.

A good friend told me today but TOH, this is the first time he's really opened the door some, and she's right, patience maybe, patience...

So how do I do this different? Ex:
Monday am he stops in. Has a bad attitude. He sticks around for about an hour. He leaves. I called him, asked why he stopped. He said no reason, just did. I said then you act p*ssed off to be here. He said no. I said "cheer up for God's sake" he said I will someday maybe. Monday afternoon he calls, for no reason. Just to talk.
Tuesday am he stops in. Sat here for about an hour. Had me help him get the grain truck out to field so he could combine later. I got home from work he was in the field. He ran till about 6:30 then came here. Ate supper. Laid on the couch to nap before going to work. Didn't even ask this time, didn't say that's what he was doing. Just did it. Got up took shower. Asked if he could take a bowl of chili to work. Told us he'd see us later and went to work. Really didn't say more than 10 words while he was here.

While he is here. I am nice to him. Listen if he talks, if he doesn't I do my own thing. I don't offer anything anymore. When he goes, I walk the other way and don't say a thing.

If I tell him he can't come here anymore how is that DB'ing? At least when he's here he gets to see what he is missing. How do I do this different?

You don't have sex with him if you feel used.



I suppose not technically. But if you want it to be a boundary, then set the boundary.

I don't have the answers. I just see what you are doing doesn't work most times. He comes and goes, but in a way its good that he is comfortable there. AS LONG AS you feel respected and loved, not used.

Red is stop. Green is go. Do you see how what you said that is quoted in green is a direct conflict with what you said that is quoted in red? How is calling him after he leaves and asking why he is pissed off the same as Next time you want to call him and accuse him of something go stand in front of a mirror and talk to yourself first. See how it sounds, and ask yourself how you would feel receiving a phone call like that.

lwb,
I have sex with my H because I WANT to have sex with my H. I always HOPE that things will maybe be different "this" time. Sometimes they are, sometimes they are not. But each time I AFTER I feel used because nothing else "good" happens. Afterwards he is distant. He is cold. Like it meant nothing. Like he has said in the past. Eventually I'll stop. I stopped initiating it. Now to be able to say no.

Again I allow my H to come here because I WANT him here. I HOPE that he'll feel he WANTS to be here. I HOPE that eventually he'll WANT to come home. I don't let myself walk on pins and needles anymore when he is here. I don't pretend with him. I enjoy when he is here. BUT it hurts when he goes. I do feel he respects me SOME when he is here. He asks not takes, he says thank you, BUT he does not show love, he is empty. And sometimes I wonder if he is using me. I don't know...

I know your right about accusing, but it's that "say what I feel" thing that gets me in trouble. And "d*mbit he makes me mad when he aims his anger or whatever at me. I've done nothing wrong and I'm tired of being the blame for all that is bad in his world. Sometimes I have to say so!!

I wonder if it makes him feel bad. I doubt it. But he should sometimes...

Cross your fingers everyone, well at least say a prayer. I have my preliminary hearing tomorrow. I'm scared but am so ready to pay my dues and to have it over with. Got a letter on Saturday from my L. I was supposed to call him. I did right away Monday. He never did call me back. I am so ready for this to be over.

H was here tonight. Left for work and never said a word about court.

Best of luck!

thanks lwb, I think I need it...