Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Trying2Live-Post #3

Hi T2L, hope all is well. Quiet on the board. Did your H ever leave on Sat.?? lol

Hi Faith, glad it is going well. Sounds like you did some good Dbing this weekend. I too obsess about the other woman. I try not to because it is unhealthy. Today in church our priest said we need to love our heart, soul and mind. I have the heart and soul going good but my mind I pray for God to release me from thinking about them.

Have not heard from H since the confrontation on Wed. Night. No phone calls to either D or myself. I know my D15 is mad at him but I could tell she was looking for him at church today and then at her soccer game. I know she told him she did not want to see him or hear from him but who is the adult here? He has not been to apt all weekend so he is staying with OW who must be loving it. But I know it must be killing him not seeing her. I keep praying the prayers that T2L gave us in the old thread. Patience and perserverence.

Where is Jgrind, twinhope, marisol, txmom and all. Hope your weekends went well

VEry very good 180! Big Pats on the back for you! Day 1 No relationship talks. Now that you have done it once it'll be easier next time. You see the OW for us are not worried about the relationship, they don't constantly ask them their place. They are confident in their place so when our spouses see them they get (for lack of a better word) No nagging. Now I understand w/children there may be times when things must be said, but the No relationship talks it great progress.
I am glad you didn't snoop, this is good for your sanity. You already know enough and what you need to know so not snooping is going to protect you and we all need to protect our selves and the love we have for our spouse or we will hate them at some point and won't want restoration,I learned this from the book I told ya'll about, I still highly recommend everyone in reading it, this is the plan I have been using since Oct 3rd., ITs Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley.

So H spent most of Saturday here stayed until late and was supposed to back Sunday for the day with us. We think since he didn't plan on staying that late the OW must have given him crap when he came home, so he canceled on us yesterday. I told him the kids were disappointed and he got frustrated with us so I responded to him without committing and Love Busters(in the book Surviving An Affair By Willard Harley). I wanted to commit love busting on a national treasure proportions but I held my self. I find it's harder to regain territory when I do that than to just hold my tongue. I didn't not make excuses for the kids and I did not say they are mad at you instead I said the kids are really disappointed we all really wanted to see you today and I understand you work so hard and need the rest blah blah blah. He has said in the past that we don't understand, so I took the opportunity to 180 and be understand and use this as a love bank deposit(in the book).
Anyways, to the opportunity of his cancellation to take a nice nap and relax. I decided since I am the light house and not the ship at see and I am the thermostat and not the temperature that I would disregard his frustrated emails(prolly guilt for canceling) and send him a nice email saying hope you had a good rest, here are the things the kids and I are doing this week are you still able to go....I'm still Plan A'ing(book). Got til roughly Nov 15th. I told myself this morning as a general thought that I am only responsible for me and can only control myself. I am not responsible for H or can I control him, so it makes things easier.

Anyways, so tell me Who is implenting GAL this week eh???? I will be taking a salsa clinic for 2 hours this week in North Hollywood, so I'm pretty excited about that. I think I'd like to implement more so I'll be looking in the local parks and rec catalog for classes. Your local community guide offers a lot of classes through the city and usually very inexpensive so don't forget to look there.

{{{{{T2L}}}}}}}, I missed you this weekend!! I thought maybe you had run away for a 2nd honeymoon!!! joke joke joke. You should be a poet -- I am the lighthouse not the ship, thermostat not the temperature -- where do you get this stuff!! I loved it. So you had 3 steps forward positive (on Saturday) and 2 steps back on Sunday. H sounds like he is in the push-pull emotion. Sounds like the fog is lifting but then OW pulls him back in. I am sure she is starting to get worried so it might be up/down for the next week or so. After all you are the other other woman...New DB term - OOW. At least Sunday you did not have to worry about constantly looking good, watching what you say etc. I know for myself that it was good not having to be all "decked out" since my H was not around.

Well weekend was busy which was good. Worked on the office room, clearing out stuff so we can make it into a media room for D15 and friends. That is goal. Concentrating on my D's and continuing to work on myself. Went with D last night for awhile at the church where they were carving pumpkins for the altar at church. Talking to the youth counselor there and I told her the situation at home. She said she noticed a change in D but I was doing all the right things. She told me to put a front light at night since my H has lost his way and it will be a beacon to find his way home. I really liked that concept.
Yoga today at lunch.

This morning H texts D - says I miss you and love you. She did not text him back. Matter of fact she said H does not respect MY wishes that he not call or text. Then older D calls this morning and gets a "boot" on her car for unpaid taxes that were due by end of month ($800 dollars), She had to go pay so I helped her out with that (she makes little pay for her job as group mgr for special needs), so she calls H also to tell him about it. I am driving into work and H calls 3x in 10 min. I do not pick up any of the calls. I go into work and call him at his desk (knowing he is at a meeting), I leave a msg. "this is your wife, you called a few times -- call me on my cell and if I am not there leave a msg". Just now my phone rings at my desk (no caller id), I pick up and it is H. He says you called?, I said I was returning your calls. He asked if I knew D got a boot on car, I said I did and I put some money from my acct to help her get car out. So he starts hemming and hawing -- what do I owe, (I never asked for anything), and I said what do you think, he says well I will pay half but I can't give it to you till next month. (maybe because he has spent a ton of money this month), I said that will be fine. I could hear him trying to start a conversation so I said thank you and take care. H hestitates and says goodbye. I know he wanted to talk but I did not want to get into any talk about D15, R or anything else.

T2L -- This is difficult detaching, but I know that you did that at the beginning also, and with all my emotions scrambled it definitely was easier this weekend because
1. evem though he spent all weekend with OW (I was not obsessing since I did not see him - out of sight - out of mind)
2. having a chance to concentrate just on Ds instead of worrying about interacting with H
3. just truly trying to "let it go and keep it in God's hands" (that control freak side of me I am trying to quell)

I do worry about the love bank side because I know the bank vault is empty since I did not have much opportunity to build anything up since the confrontation. But I pray that OW is starting to draw from her acct. since too much togetherness with constant drinking might have a negative impact.

So where is Marisol, txmom, twinhope, all, faith. Need to know how you guys are doing. Its a new week!

Wow, I'm liking what I'm hearing. You see what happens when we Stop the Chase. Instead of trying to escape, the thought processes change to well do I want this.

I think detachment is important, just keep it real light. Mostly I like to think of detachment as just not being available all the time and GAL'ing. I'm glad you are able to work through the controlling thing, I understand that. When we were 1st married I was queen controller, but as I cried out to God to get this out of me he was faithful to do so I just need to naturally do my part and control what I chose to do.
Have you been able to read more the SAA book? I really think your H would do well on it. Sounds like he's already freaking out.
Give it a few weeks of just not being too available. Doing great at not taking every call etc. Go do the Irish dancing, I really think your H would prolly freak out at knowing your still living. When you do talk, keep it real light and cheerful and short just like you did. Hey have a great day talk to you later kinda thing.
This will give you more time to get into the love bank and love busters and the questionnaire, then in a few weeks when everything has calmed down and if you feel like it you can implement a Plan A, but keep in mind it needs a plan B or he'll cake eat forever. Yes we want them to eat cake and remember how darn good it is, while we make those love bank deposits but not forever. Here's something from the guy that wrote the book, you can watch the video or just listen to it.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6806_inf.html

Hello everyone.. I'm back...

Remember I was in Orlando Friday thru Sunday evening for business. Had a great weekend.. went out Friday night after our sales awards party and we went to a nightclub and danced and drank ... didn't get to bed until 3am ... haven't danced like that in forever.. flirted with couple of my work colleagues all in fun.... everyone telling me how great I looked helped the ego...

So updates on H: Friday am he came to house 6:30am - he went up and got our baby and just walked right in the master bathroom and he said:

"Wow you look great, really pretty"
" I like your dress" ( i had a new dress on)
Me: I said thanks for the compliment
H: " Then he says you actually look Hot... really HOT"

I said if you keep saying that and I didn't have to catch a flight I'd throw you on the bed and get it on.. we both laughed..

I left and he called me twice on the way to airport.. talking about our little baby.. saying "who does she look like" and just chatting... he isn't usually that chatty at 7am in the morning.

I made sure he knew I was out late and I didn't call him Friday night like I said I would... these are 180's for me..

But got home last night - he was normal but I did get in some R talks NOT OW talk just ... I had a convo with a guy I worked with who went through divorce when his girls were little and it just got me thinking... I know I'd be able to move past the affair.. what I'm struggling with now and would struggle with is the HOW - how could my H leave us and kids without trying everything to save the marriage first? the Abandonment issue... is this a character flaw that he doesn't have the moral obligation or the heart to try first... would he just be a repeat offender.

So I brought that up before he left... he seems so done and clear headed that at times I really don't think he is in the fog... I asked him... what happens if his feelings change in a year or five years? He just said who knows what is going to happen...

I feel a little more detached now ... I'm lonely and sad ... I found out I won a trip through work to Hawaii next year and my H and I knew we were going on this and now I will have to take a friend... little reminders how sad and lonely it will be.

I want to write him a letter but I think I'll hold off this week and we'll just see... he just seems so done.

T2L - I can't imagine having the success you are but I have to remember your H has been out of the house for 6 months and my H for 1 month.. lot can happen for any of us in another 5 months...but a true plan A will not work in my favor this soon I think ... I'm doing some but in DB and DR it talks about the last resort technique and that is what my C and I went over last week... I need to stop all talks, calls etc... not invite him anywhere, stop the chase, if he offers to do stuff with kids then great... be pleasant but not overly and I will still compliment him and try to make him feel good to a degree and talk love languages

I read almost all the "surviving affair" and did the quiz in back... it was good to have the description which helped. I think it is working so well for T2L because she did detach at the beginning and now that he has had a taste of being away and with OW it was good timing b/c when you started to invite him he was willing because it had been long enough where he wasn't use to you being friendly...

txmom, welcome back - glad you had a good time and did some things that were fun and for your ego. Flirting, dancing and being appreciated for it are good things when your self esteem is low. Did great with H when you left but then when you came back (I know the feeling) you got needy, and started thinking about the future. I know we go over this in our minds all the time but we cannot bring it up to our H's (I am trying to give support to both of our bad habits!)

After the night of confrontation with H and OW (the closet hider), I realize how in the fog my H is. This is a real love A (or what he perceives), he is protecting her which hurts me but it gave me a slightly harder shell. I keep thinking of him as my H but he is is on a different alien planet and he thinks that he is the BF to the OW and he has checked out of our R.

T2L, I have read almost the whole book (95%) and took the quiz. Question to you. I know you said detach and "be nice" also, Is that what you did the first 4 months? Or did you really drop the rope? Did your H call you about your D17 when she did not talk to him or did he let it ride? I do want to go to Plan A but I do not think I am ready and I think since he has been into this A for only 3/4 months he is still in the "high" of the A. I came to work yesterday to post the conflict of interest notice highlighted with her initials on top but the building was closed. I am going later today and put it up. This is the closest I can get to exposure.

Also I was going over to the gym today for yoga, and who is in the smoke shack? H and one of his workers, I drive by and smile and wave (H did not wave back), got to say he looked like h3ll. All that drinking. life goes on.

TsMomw/2girls,
I like it, I like it! Very confident! You see a little of the unavailable detaching really works. I agree things may change in 5 months you are very new into the mess. But I like the changes you are making. Very 180 and believe it or not he sees it. You see how he used the kids as something to strike up a convo? Did you catch it?

The only thing I would have loved even more is NO relationship talks. I know how hard it is BELIEVE ME! But it's so important. It alleviates pressure and allows you to be seen in a confident light. They know we want the marriage and most certainly know they can come home even if we don't talk about it at least for a bit. I do think an nonavailability detaching is really important in the beginning stages, most of the books I've read say the same thing. Stop the chase in DR, Release the trap door, in Love Must Be tough by Dr. James Dobson. You can do this I'm hearing your confidence build. Concentrate right now not quite on Plan A'ing but concentrate on 180 and GAL. That's where I started and it gave me the strength to be able to detach and ultimately go to Plan A. What have you done for your GAL? Any classes yet?

I like the tag and go flirting with no pressure, very confident!
Girl, go to Hawaii and have fun fun fun! He may expect you to be down about it. 180 about it, talk about it like you are so excited to go with your HOT new self! And expect to have fun!

Well Beautiful, Wonderful, Strong Ladies, looks like for the most part you've all been really well taking care of yourself and not thinking about the alien on the other planet.
OK come on trying to get some laughs.

T2L glad you started a new thread, I thought I was going to lose everyone.

Well I did it - GAL but lied about it for the most part well 95% of it. Last Thursday I got home from gym showered and changed, got really nice looking in my red sweater (dh loves me in red), he was doing his radio gig on the internet, I walked out past him and BANG - that was his jaw. He stumbled with what he was saying. Then when he was done he came down asking if I was going somewhere. I said yes a friend I had met online said she's going to help me. I have to get out and it starts tonight. So I was meeting her when she got off of work. I got the who, what, where? And said she works at Hooters (that's a big 180 for me, I looking snotty at girls there - mostly because I'm jealous ) And that she's been through this and knows just what to get me going with my life.
He was left happy but questioning - ooooh the mystery was killing him.
I made it all up!
I went to the bookstore and sat outside reading DB from 9:30-11:30pm and drove home. He was still up asked more questions was worried how she was going to help me.

I just said I think she'll be a great friend and she told me to be ready for a call on her whim. I just acted all bubbly and said but now I have to go to bed. Oh he was so not happy to be left hanging

Friday he had his first C session - this is the one he didn't want me to go to this woman because he was afraid she may suggest Couples session. Well I fained forgetfulness when I got home - but I did REALLY BADLY. See dh needs attention and lots of it. So when I came home he was right downstairs - not his usual thing to do, usually chatting upstairs - well he opened the door for me and was waiting already to talk to me. Made some polite convo, never brought up his session and I did my usual unpack my lunch put things away in kitchen and started to go up to shower. He said under his breath, boy nothing changes does it. So not good on my part - I avoid the convo because I'm afraid of what will be said, the things that will cut me. I don't think he realizes they do, but I also think if their not cutting my I'm resenting him for the last cutting comments so I reject convo.
Well I stop and saying nicely, I'm sorry I didn't think you'd want to talk to me in my stench (from gym) and that you'd want dinner, so I was going to shower. He said I've lived through it so far, I'm fine. So I'm like ok. I tell him a plan I came up with about dinner - I'm still going to cook dinner for us but I was really struggling with having to find out if he'd be around for dinner, felt I'd be prying and again it would just leave me open to "I'm waiting on him and not GAL" so I said I will assume I'm making dinner for both of us, but if you're not going to eat then please let me know, and I will do the same if I have other plans. He said "Don't worry about it".
This was kind of in a tone as that won't be necessary - either he will be here for dinner he's recommitting to us, or don't cook at all, And a little bit annoyed that that was what I wanted to talk about and not him and his feelings. So I went on and asked about his day - YEP ANOTHER BAD, should of done that first OH I was just so mad and preoccupied but that is always what I do - the least important is what I do first and don't focus on the R.
Somehow we make it upstairs - he's all nice and helping and just GREAT! Into the convo upstairs I say OH today was your Counseling session, and he's like ding she wins a prize. So he wants to know what I've been feeling about us. He says he doesn't know I haven't said anything. Well bad me says - well you've let me know that this M is over so I feel. He's like no! I want to know what you feel not what I've made you feel.
I'm not good with emotions and how I feel, let alone when I'm put on the spot. But I said I feel anger, sadness, a little happy, and optimistic. He starts to talk and then he says, explain each of those. So I tell explanations - you all know, you've felt them.
We talk about us and it comes out that his counselor when he said he's bipolar she says, you've had affairs. He says yes. Well she also told him not to make any rash decisions right now and that maybe it's a good thing you can't sell the house right now. That C thinks "I may come around". (I'm not sure if that means that I may change my mind and not want a divorce or I may become more sexual) - he told her he doesn't think so.
What do you girls think? What did she mean by that? I'm thinking it's the first. I mean he was the one who said the ILYBINILWY - desire thing so if he's the one there with the ending decision then why would I come around. Except if he told her I'm reading the Sex Appeal book.
When convo was over he said he feels closer to me then he has in a LONG time. GREAT RIGHT?

Well things went great rest of night he was helpful we talked, I tried to stay detached and even made it sound like I'm moving on. I kinda think that's bad but GAL is what he wants to see not so much the dating as it gives him mixed messages.

Well we had dinner and he said I need to find a woman for 20 minutes and we joked a bit and he said hey if you want to participate thats fine. We were joking around more, he turned on some porn. Then I headed up to bed, he's like your leaving I said yes, (little did he know I was going to change into something he liked), well I come down and he's trying to find some phone sex or something. I start messing around (all dressed up)he continues, I tell him if you want me to stop just so the magic word. He says nothing I continue. Well I can tell he's turned on but he's not off the phone, so I get up put my robe back on and leave.

I go to bed, wake, go to gym (oh he tells me about a dream in the morning). I get back and he's gone. well usually I don't call so I was going to call but before I could he comes in. I'm like I was just going to call you where'd you go? He went to get his blood levels done, etc. Had problems, etc.
Then he says since your here. Nothing would have happened last night because I don't see you that way and because I lost respect for you last night - you basically would take me back no matter what I did. I told him I did what I did because of his comments previously.
He said I'm sorry I should not of said that.

He ended up going out later that day to meet a friend (whose a girl) at the OTB. He told me he'd call if anything changed but not to count on him for dinner. He called said he won't be home he'll be staying out there (wasn't sure if he was staying out by friend or his parents live out there).

Next day he came home as I was leaving to run errands. He begged me to stay, couldn't believe I was going out and not watching the Cowboys. I stayed ran my errands later. EVERYTHING WAS GREAT AGAIN! HE was wonderful, better than he's been since we first got married. We had a great time.

But then he said out of the blue he's got plans for next Saturday and Sunday and won't be here to watch game. I'm like your not going to watch the game. He's like no I am just not here. And he's like I hope I didn't give you mixed messages and stunned me says no.

Hell yes! I thought we were doing good now this. And not sure if it's an act cause I asked when the game was next week before he said any of that and he didn't know, thought it was a night game.
We acted all pleasant after that, had dinner and wine. He told me he just found out while I was gone (ran my errands I was going to do when he first got home) that he had a meeting online for radio station. I'm like ok, are you going watch the World Series after that and he said sure I'll come down. Well instead he started chatting (usually it's typing this time it was with microphone on internet) with someone from radio station. And then started playing hearts with her. I was like what the hell (to myself).
Is that the way I should handle that? Or should I say something?

During our convo on Friday I did ask him hypothetically, I have a friend whose spouse is chatting online, is that acceptable. Should she tell him to stop. And he said no it's not acceptable. And if he is doing more than just friendly chatting then she needs to tell him to stop. And I'm like how's she to know that without saying she doesn't trust him. and he's like that's tricky.
So I go to bed. A few minutes later I hear him say that was fun we'll have to play again sometime. And he tells her can you hold on, I have to go to the little boys room. He comes in our room and closes the door - not sure why at first I thought he may have thought I was not in there and wanted privacy but no he knew I was there. I told him Um I'm in here, just in case he didn't know and he's like no I know. I just came in to take my pills.
He does a few other things and he stops and looks at me like he wants to say something but doesn't. He does some other things, then goes to leave the room and says, I'm not talking to loud am I (almost as though he wanted me to hear his convo with her - which I did it was fairly platonic) I said no, he's like ok well I'll keep my voice down I know your trying to sleep.

So ladies what the hell is with all this weird stuff. His A is over he tells me all the time how he wishes he could ruin her life, and that he wouldn't ruin mine because he respects me. He talks about their past A all the time. So I'm not asking should I tell him to stop? What am I doing wrong here?
He's got me all over the place.
Part of me feels he thinks we are working things out and he wants to see how I'd handle these situations if we do work things out. So what do I do?

Oh I'm going to be so lonely this weekend as my p's are going to dinner so I'm all alone on Sat night and Sunday H & usually watch the games.

I did do the dance class on Friday, it was friggin awessome and I'm going to go again and actually the same one is taught at multiple times and since I have 2 left feet I need the extra practice so I'm going to add a day to it. I think it's M or Wed night.
And I'm lieing still I said I went out to a friends party on Sat after I was with my p's. So GAL by lieing is my way. I don't have friends, or ones that I want to know about this part of my life.

Hello everyone!

Glad to see the our posting is still going! I had to catch up! These past few weekends have been hard for me to keep up since I will be moving on Friday. I know...Halloween!!! Boy this is going to be fun! I had to get a smaller place that was less in rent because I was sinking fast. It's good though. We can get a dog which is what my daughter has been asking for these past few years. I told her it was going to be an early xmas present and probably not much else with things being pretty tight having to move. She understood of course.

Ok so everyone give me your opinion on something that happened this weekend....

Saturday night at 1:45am my H texts me and here is the convo -

H - You at any big Halloween parties tonight?
me - No. Just laying in bed. Can't sleep. U? (i should have told him i was but didn't think of it until after)
H - Just got back from a friends party...pretty boring..going to bed now..if I dont get 2000 by tomorrow i have to move out...things are getting scary!! can't believe how much i depended on you!!
me - where will you go?
H - Dont know? probably have to get an apartment somewhere...S14 will probably go live with his mom...
me - i never meant for you to depend on me so much. i truly thought i was helping you get started in your career. thats all i ever wanted.
H - i know..no big deal...all learning for me! its good for me..well good night...i'm exhausted.
me - i bet a full body back rub would be nice right now huh? (i know stupid thing to say but he loves them)
H - yeah...but that's not reality...goodnight
me - good night scott

I check the phone records the next day and after he text me he text the OW like 10 times until 3:45am and she did not respond to him.

So he is very bad financially right now. Long story short he is a realtor. He had his own franchise but it went under in August. He left that company last Monday and now is trying to make it on his own. He is jobless right now and is negative in the bank. He is living in one of his dad's rental properties but I know his dad & wife will not put up much longer for him to not pay rent. I know he has borrowed money from every possible person. I'm thinking if it doesn't go well he will end up living with his mom in the mobile home she rents that is in a retirement community. I know the OW has paid his car payment for this month and probably some other things.

What is your take on this? Any advice would be helpful....you all are the best at it!!

Hope
Yes be nice and sweet, but exit the conversation 1st is what I used to do. But Ok had to completely cut off H the 1st 4 -5 months except for extremely important thing-financial etc. I had to do this because he was angry and nuts and lashing out at me. Now you guys may not have this same behavior coming from your spouses, so you may not need to protect yourself this way.
But just be unavailable, as much as possible to allow the detachment. Now detachment does not mean being rude or retaliating. Example these are things I did, maybe miss some of the phone calls, don't pick right up let it go to voice mail, If you know he's coming over to visit the kids, if you have older children be gone when he gets there and just tell kinds your going out for a few that way he can wonder where your at, IF you have younger children, walk out as he walks in, casually say oh great your hear I've gotta go be back later, don't respond to every text page or email.

The great thing about detaching is you can get your emotions in order and calmed down because if your in this for the long haul you cannot be ruled by your emotions because you are in for a ride and you need to be in a very neutral place of strength where things can roll off your back. Someone has to be in a neutral place and we know it's not the walk away spouse. Then once your in that better state, may take a few weeks or a month, you can begin to invite the spouse back around, he/she will likely be more receptive since they have had more time to think and less time around you thus no ability to blame you. Make sense? Then you can begin the Plan A and meeting those needs per the book.

I mean I never called, texted, or emailed unless I had to. I went 3 weeks 1 time with no contact. Guess what I know it puzzled him. The 1st month in he was like if you want me back so bad why aren't you begging. Sorry Pal no one is worth that LOL.

As far as the kids, since my kids are older, I let them decide when they wanted to talk to him. There is a natural time line that is needed for the kids to get over it. Eventually they will it just takes time.

BTW he is not your H, not yet. He is a walk away spouse. Don't let him protecting her hurt you, I know that sounds crazy but its fog thinking so who cares. Try not to get hardened by everything but learn to gain the ability to try and cast it off, its not easy, sometimes I did good sometimes I didnt. Yeah my H looked like crap over the summer. Think he was living in his car to be around her. Funny how things change when you gotta wake up next to them everyday, can you say bye bye fantasy land! LOL