Bbj, it does get better. We have come so far together. All of us here. We are still going to do this together, you WILL be fine. Dont be scared, let some time pass, one day at a time... Love K
Thanks for the idea Sara, but I won't leave my kids during the holidays this year as I know they will be rough...
SO
I am thinking of any 180s I could do. I don't do them often or consistently, I suppose, which may be one reason Dan waffles, b/c I let him...
Anyway one 180 I did was to go to the lawyer, I am sure he never thought I would be the one becoming proactive about our possible divorce. The fact that I wrote up the spreadsheets/offer ideas and actually met with the guy for almost 2 hours must have been a surprise to him.
However, I do not want my 180 to be going and drawing up an offer and serving H. You guys have seen how my H can be on these boards, and when he feels challenged he sometimes (ok, often!) gets angry and acts first, thinks later. For example, telling me he hated me Sunday, then admitting Monday he loves me now and always will. He was just angry and hated the situation. So my concern would be that he would react in anger, sign the notice, and move on with the D just for spite.
SO
I am thinking I will actually listen to H. His common theme 'issues' with me are:
1)I don't listen to him (he is partly right, I often interrupt with my thoughts when he is trying to share his)
2)I always try to rush in and "fix/help" him when he is frustrated about something, but he doesn't always want my help, sometimes he just wants me to listen.
3)Last night he said he doesn't want to do anything with the D just yet b/c he has a lot to think about, like where he will live, how he will get a loan, how to make it all work, etc...
So I think my 180 should be to listen to H and respect his needs.
I think I will
1)NOT call H while he is on this trip to Scottsdale (he left today and gets back Sunday)
2)Not take any further action on the divorce, such as retaining a lawyer or writing up/adjusting the settlement plan I started yesterday
3)NOT speak to H about the possibility of divorce in any way shape or form unless/until he brings it up. In fact, have no type of R talk/M talk unless H brings it up, and then listen to what he says without trying to jump in and fix it, and also without reacting out of stubbornness or pride. This extends beyond his trip to when he comes back home. He briefly said last night, 'I may have to just stay here until we figure this all out' (meaning he isn't moving out any time soon)
4)Focus on really making myself happy. H commented Tues. night that he could tell I really enjoyed myself at the race on Sunday, that he was glad I found joy in running and he wanted to see me doing things that truly made me happy. So I will spend time with my kids, keep on running, and join a few social groups I have been looking into. A teacher at school asked me to be on the entertainment committee with her for Relay for Life, we book the entertainment and host them during the relay. It is a good chance for me to interact with other ladies in town. Also a mom at karate invited me to join MOPS (mothers of pre schoolers), they get together once or twice a month and the moms hang out while the kids play. All are good GAL activities/options for me...
On an unrelated note, that part about running reminds me, my H told his good friend Tom at work about me running and being in a marathon. I called H back for something yesterday and Tom answered, he asked me about the race and said H had been telling him about it. I suppose it is a positive sign that he is still talking about me to his friends?
Anyway that is my plan in a nutshell. Any other suggestions for 180s or tweaking the plan are appreciated.
I think you are 100% right on your 180's. Especially about the part of doing nothing. My, you are such a whirlwind of energy, it must be tough for you to do nothing!
My one fear, however, is that the more you GAL and continue to involve yourself in outside activities, the more the marriage may suffer. This is married-singles behavior. So, I would just say to keep an eye on it. Try it. See how he reacts. I think it is interesting that your H had an affair right after your child was born. I think he has trouble not being the center of your world. By giving more of your attention outside the home, that may make him progressively unhappier. Or perhaps not. Just be aware.
Then why on earth did YOU file? I think your H is relieved you are doing it and pushing this thing through because it absolves him of more guilt. He doesn't have to feel responsible for it he can always point to you as the one filing. Personally that's something I wouldn't want on my conscience. (Actually, I think being the respondent helped me because I had the luxury of picking a better attorney and when my husband later accused me of being the one to want the D I just laughed and said, hey did you forget? Who filed?)
Saying one wants a D and doing it are two completely different things. Perhaps you want it more then you think...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Any other suggestions for 180s or tweaking the plan are appreciated.
NO relationship talk, no D talk... like you mentioned...
Be a good listener, be supporitive and positive. If he says anything mean, or brings up D stuff just change the subject or say you forgot but you need to run and do.... (fill in the blank). Smile a lot! No criticism.
What were you like when your H met you? What initially attracted him to you? How are you different now? What do you suspect attracted him to OW?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
If your goal is to stay married...it is back to DB101. DB like you have never DBed before...you are a veteran at this....no backsliding, no cheeseless tunnels, very little contact etc...you know the drill. The fact that your H is away till Sunday should give you a good start.
Sara--Thanks for the feedback about the 180s. It is very very hard for me to do nothing. My friend Jeff on these boards was cautioning me all spring to "be still" but it was hard to do. Now I picture poking a lion with a stick when I think of peppering H with questions. Will the lion enjoy it? Well, neither will my husband...
In regards to "married singles", I am not worried about this from my end. My D2 is in daycare and my S6 goes to her daycare after school 3 times a week from 3:00-5:00 so I get some "mommy time". I would run during that time after school, so it would not affect time with H. As per the committee for Relay for Life, it doesn't convene until January and only meets like once per month. So again, not a big time constraint. The damage done by me NOT having a life (in H's eyes especially) is bigger than the risk I take GETTING a life, it that makes sense.
Running--I did NOT file. Let me make that clear. What I did was go to an attorney to find out what my options were. If you had seen/heard my husband on Sunday night, when he said he hated me and we were DONE, you would understand I think. I felt he was for sure done and I needed to find out what my options would be if he filed. I think the unknown can be scarier than the known. Now I have an idea what it will look like if we get to that point, but it doesn't mean I have to file. It just means I don't have to panic b/c whether we remain married or not, I should have enough money to feed and clothe the kids, and stay in our home.
Finally, what attracted him to OW? Physically, she is petite with very large boobs. I don't know how that happens, no fair! She is about five years younger than me. She has the personality I used to have, outgoing, perky, flirty, fun. She had family around who watched her son all the time so she could go out and stay out all hours of the night. It was no problem for her to go to the bar with the gang after work and stay until closing time. I couldn't do that, so she was more "fun" than me. She did not have to worry about H's financial situation, so she could listen, affirm, encourage him when he talked about his cattle business and complained about me nagging him re. the money situation. She did not have to deal with real life issues like kids, house upkeep, etc. with H so she could be supportive of whatever he said. Also, she worked with H. So she "got" his work situation. I always asked him to talk about it with me, but he didn't. She knew the names of the coworkers, customers, knew the temperament of their boss, etc., so she was easy to talk to about that stuff. And she could go to lunch with him every day, which I could not do as a stay-at-home-mom. She was the fun, easy option.
I used to be perky cheerleader, sorority and pom pom girl, always up for a good time, chatty, outgoing, loved to go to parties, flirt, be witty, etc.
Once H had his first one night stand, things started to change. I know I became more insecure and suspicious of H, and wanted more of his time. We never went to counseling or anything, he moved to St. Louis right after but I had to stay in Boise for 2 months to finish out the school year. We came back together after that break, I guess absence made the heart grow fonder. During the time he was gone, I started up running, lost 15 pounds, gained independence b/c it was the first time I had EVER lived alone, etc. Must have been appealing to H.
Affair 1 happened after son was 4 weeks old and lasted 6 weeks. I was not available for H sexually, emotionally, etc. b/c I was wrapped up in caring for a newborn, being up all hours of the day/night. I made the mistake of sleeping on the couch w/S on my chest the first month of his life, which made me even more unavailable to H. I couldn't meet him for drinks after work, etc, either, with a newborn at home and no family around.
I think the farm situation is what led to A #2. Dan felt I wasn't supporting him on the thing that mattered most to him , and that opened him up to accepting her support/understanding/comfort. Plus she was LOOKING for an OM to get out of her marriage.
Defending my honor and all...