Petite and big boobs and goes out drinking!!! That is tough to beat. The problem is your H should not have been in the situation where he would be exposed to this. He should have been home with you and the kids. I don't know BBJ, I get the feeling that you are starting to blame yourself for your husbands transgressions and it pains me to hear this. There is always a better looking, smarter, more fun to be around person out there somewhere....the key is to not put yourself in that position (what i refer to as the pool). Yeah so sometimes it's hot outside and you feel like a little dip will do you some good. Air conditioning and a cold shower also do the trick....I think I am losing it tonight.
Can I just offer one 2x4 to you BBJ? When I read your posts lately it's always "I did this" or "I wasnt availiable to him" or something that lays blame on you. I know in DB we are supposed to fix ourselves, but you aren't the one that had the affairs. You didn't cause them. My wife slept with my daughter for the first month of her life... I didn't have an affair. In fact, no guy I know did (I don't know Dan).
The issues with Dan were there long before you married him. They started with his parents and something going wrong with his self esteem. Face it. The guy was damaged goods when you got him. It doesn't make him a bad guy or mean or anything. It makes him human.
But, you need to stop with the BBJ blame game. No, you aren't perfect. No, you didn't do everything right. No one does BBJ. But stop taking more of the blame than you should. Focus on your own self esteem. Focus on you. Find Happytown.
I do not blame myself for our problems. I do believe I honestly played a role in our problems, I stopped being the BBJ that H knew and loved, I stopped being the person I had always been and considered myself to be.....
However, acknowledging that I contributed to marital tension is a big leap from saying it is my fault that H went out all the time without me and chose to get involved with someone else. He is a grown man he could have chosen to talk to me about what was wrong and work to repair our marriage instead of taking it to the point of no return.
I am not saying it is my fault. What I am saying is that pointing a finger at H, glaring, and snapping at him that this is ALL because of him will get me nowhere, other than in Divorce court.
I need to get back to being me b/c I don't really like the me that I am at this point. I am not effective at work (you aren't the only one who struggles at work K!), I am not effective at parenting, I am not focused on taking care of ME, I don't eat right, get enough sleep, etc. I have been letting my own life go off the tracks this past year while I try to put out the fires that keep popping up around me. It is time for a change.........
Maybe the problem is if I allow myself to see my H for the lying, cheating, manipulative, bitter, resentful, messed-up person he has been for so long now, I will draw the conclusion that he is incapable of change or at the very least totally unwilling to change. And then I have to stamp out that little Tinkerbell-sized spark of hope that I am keeping alive in my heart that he will one day (soon) be the Dan I knew and loved.
Except maybe he never was that guy except in my heart?
That is tough to take right now. Which is counter-intuitive b/c if I could see him as a jerk who is toxic to my life, I should then be able to let go more easily.
I would like a 48 hour break from thinking, please....
Can I say that he is both? He is the man you loved, but he is flawed. He just needs help that you can't give him. He needs an IC and he needs to be serious.
You don't need to let the spark die. He is still the man you loved. It's in there.
Just don't let him drag you down. Okay? Remember he is drowning. Throw him an IC life preserver, but let go of the rope.
Guys you know what I find odd....I think Dan is an a$$hole, Woog's wife a b!TCH, k's husband is a pr!ck....etc. etc..etc...but I can not see my W that way and she may be the worst of them all!!!!! Does anyone else feel the same way I do?
Guys you know what I find odd....I think Dan is an a$$hole, Woog's wife a b!TCH, k's husband is a pr!ck....etc. etc..etc...but I can not see my W that way and she may be the worst of them all!!!!! Does anyone else feel the same way I do?
No John I disagree.. I see them all for what they are..Batchitt crazy. Kim included. It's reality. Ya know each and everyone of us contributed in some way, shape or form to the failure of our M's..but who here can say that if their spouse had joined them and worked together at the same time that each and every marriage could have been saved?? I think all of us can say that..if each spouse had worked at the same time together with the other there is nothing that could not have been worked out with maybe the exception of some sort of domestic abuse..
BBJ..you have a good core group around you..just about all posting on your thread started this journey together..I know I won't leave you and none of the others will either I don't think..you need to do what you feel is right here. I know you will make the best possible choice that you can make. I support you 100%..you hang in there. You keep the faith..You be strong for those kids..
I did NOT file. Let me make that clear. What I did was go to an attorney to find out what my options were. If you had seen/heard my husband on Sunday night, when he said he hated me and we were DONE, you would understand I think.
Good. Don't file. Unless you truly want a D.
I completely understand where you are coming from because I've been there. But unless you actually want a D, consulting an attorney and the information you receive should be kept to yourself. It should be your personal information and not something to share withwith a confused and upset spouse who is very likely to misinterpret it and pull further away from the marriage because of it.
Also, if you do go into D.... things may start out nice, but chances are they will change and become ugly. Even in the best of circumstances this often happens. Don't think it won't bother you when your kids really like your XH's girlfriend because she buys them things and wants to be like a second mom to them.
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
Finally, what attracted him to OW? Physically, she is petite with very large boobs. I don't know how that happens, no fair!
I do, it's called silicone! Go out and buy yourself a good push-up bra at Victoria's Secret. No trashy tart is going to outdo you!
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
She has the personality I used to have, outgoing, perky, flirty, fun. She had family around who watched her son all the time so she could go out and stay out all hours of the night. It was no problem for her to go to the bar with the gang after work and stay until closing time. I couldn't do that, so she was more "fun" than me.
Well, girlfriend's are more fun then wives. Somehow you have to meld the two together and become your husband's girlfriend (who he just happens to be married to). I don't think you need to hang out at bars every night, but using that 6 figure income of his to hire a regular babysitter once or twice a week so you can go "date" your husband would be nice. I guarentee you it's much easier to date your H than a new man who will want you to hang out much more and who your kids will resent you going out with.
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
She did not have to worry about H's financial situation, so she could listen, affirm, encourage him when he talked about his cattle business and complained about me nagging him re. the money situation. She did not have to deal with real life issues like kids, house upkeep, etc. with H so she could be supportive of whatever he said. Also, she worked with H. So she "got" his work situation. I always asked him to talk about it with me, but he didn't. She knew the names of the coworkers, customers, knew the temperament of their boss, etc., so she was easy to talk to about that stuff. And she could go to lunch with him every day, which I could not do as a stay-at-home-mom. She was the fun, easy option.
Well... with regard to the above... I think that has to be your 180.... the choice between someone being supportive, not nagging and positive... that's pretty powerful...
Actually all those things you've written in that post about who you used to be. >>I used to be perky cheerleader, sorority and pom pom girl, always up for a good time, chatty, outgoing, loved to go to parties, flirt, be witty, etc.<<
That's your 180 too. It's the person you will become again if the D goes through. It's the person you will be presenting to any men you might possibly meet or date post-D. You might as well become her again.... hummmm.... outgoing, witty... I like that. She sounds sounds kind of fun.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Maybe the problem is if I allow myself to see my H for the lying, cheating, manipulative, bitter, resentful, messed-up person he has been for so long now, I will draw the conclusion that he is incapable of change or at the very least totally unwilling to change.
He doesn't matter. The only one that matters is you, and your children.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
