Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Getting my house in order

Dear FrankD,

I haven't posted in some time. But for some reason just noticed you live within an hour of me. I don't think it'd be inappropriate (on my end at least) to have lunch some time if you want to talk.

Having just returned from my HS Class reunion, where it felt like a time machine and old feelings returned and whole chunks of life temporarily disappeared, I'm reminded of many WAS here. I mean, while my old HS boyfriend spoke to me, and blatantly flirted, several thoughts struck me. FIrst off, he IS still cute and I will admit that it was flattering to me that he'd bother flirting after all these years. But his wife was there and clearly insecure, which makes my HS bf, still a 'boy'. NOT so attractive. However, for a few hours, it was as if I hadn't gone to college and law school or had 3 great kids or a H, it was as if I were still in HS only "smarter."

I witnessed a few "couples" from HS actually hooking up, and since they're single, it was kind of funny. MY bff hit a rough patch in her M and I saw her talking with her ex bf and I heard him telling her he'd "always love her", etc. So I checked in with her, made sure she hadn't had too much to drink. She was fine and said she got some nice closure and kept her M vows, etc.

POINT BEING that with your W, she's in a time machine that somehow allows her to have her bf, who has to represent something missing in her past, AND not lose her girls...

Sadly, she IS losing her girls and the time machine ride will end. As "cute" as my old bf seemed to be when I went to the old HS and my stomping grounds, I was glad later, to be "home." Here, with my "adult" self. I know you've been so deeply wounded and perhaps it's a wound that cannot heal with her in your life. But I also feel that your W will awaken someday. At least to how the OM is sooooo not important and this is just not about him. I don't know where that'll leave you in her mind/heart as she has rationalized so much and gone so far, we can only guess. But I DO see how, in her mind, thinking of YOUR birthday and reminding the girls is to her, something KIND of HER to do for you. Seriously. Not crazy, but to her, a nice gesture on her part. Yes, it's amazing in the grand scheme. But with her "time machine" she has some other dynamics (bells and whistles) we'll never really understand.

You've come a long way. Oh,and thanks to your comments about yards....and my fear of the Santa Ana winds lighting my "thatch like" lawn on fire, I guess I'll start doing yard work. My h is with his mother, on the east coast. Alaska didn't work out and she has cancer so he's taking care of her for the next few months...then we'll see. It is weird to be "together" yet have him gone so much again.

But calmer. My reserves are low and my feelings mixed. Like you, there's not much I'd put up with now, given what I know and what I've already given. But unlike you, my mil is dying and I have to cut my h some major slack. I always think people who leave spouses when they're losing someone, or in combat, or pregnant, deserve to be smacked in the nose. So I don't want to be one of those people.

Didn't mean to hijack. Just that your WAS reminded me of the HS reunion b/c of the way we can all compartmentalize when we change our environment. Going to HS and seeing the old hang outs and old friends is one thing. But somehow your w is able to also see the kids and the home with you, etc. I don't know how long she'll be able to handle the duality. The strains of it may be why she seems angry at you...oh the irony.
j-







"

Frank .. I am not sure that this is a particularly healthy thing to do.

Let go of the past.


Time for a fresh start.


If you had gone to a new restaurant for your birthday you would have made a whole host of new memories to remember. It would have been fresh, new, exciting .. just the way your life is going to be from here on in.

Make your birthday ‘special’ It is .. The first birthday of the rest of your life.

Your new life.

Do something different , something you will always remember.

You have made it to 50 WOW, I know many people who have not made it that far through the journey of life. You need to start counting those blessings. You have so many.

Nutty x

Frank,

Happy 50th, you beautiful, strong man!

Picture all of us DB friends surrounding you, thanking you for your help and wisdom you have offered us, delighting in how wonderful YOU are and how lucky we are to know you.

It's true.

--Theoden

Thanks, I would. Almost everyone I know through the board is on the East coast. Do you have anyones contact info on the board?

They are banning people for posting contact info.

Your post was very insightful. Thank you.

Just an update. This morning W came to do the morning routine with the girls. I was up already in the kitchen with D17 and she said 'Good Morning' to D17, then looked towards me but not at me and said a quiet 'Good Morning' to me and I said it back in a nice tone.

Then I went to my room until she left.

She made a pot of coffee for me, emptied the dishwasher, clipped some coupons from the paper and left them on the counter for me.

25yearsmlc !!

Nice to see you around again ! Missed you !

Frank,

I'm so sorry, birthdays are hard...they bring back so many memories. The day we cherish those memories and can enjoy the day anyway, THAT's when all will get better little by little.

W stopped by and dropped off some grocery items with D17. She didn't come in the house but met her outside in front. I had been meaning to talk to her about me having to go to L.A. in the next week to do a server upgrade for a client.

So, I went outside and smiled at her as I walked to her car.

She seemed nervous until I told her what my plan was, and I said it would make it so I would be home after midnight on that day and I don't like the girls home alone. Before I asked her anything she said in a 'hopeful' voice "I would really love to come and spend the night if you want me to"

I said that would be great, I didn't know when I was going and there was still a possibility it could be done in the daytime.

She really seemed grateful that I asked her to stay overnight when I need her to.

She said she was glad that I was making money and I said that it kind of sucked that most of the projects I'm doing require me to stay up late at night to do them.

She said "Well you've always been a late night bird".

I said, yep but I don't like it any more. and then I joked "Here goes the late night bird" and flapped my wings and whistled as I walked away.

One other thing, her face looks like she has aged 10 years.

Guilt does that.

Part of the observiing of your W's aging could be that you have a new perpective towards her and you see more of her imperfections. And her guilt probably does not help either.