Also, yes I did contact the lawyer first. H contacted one/met with one in Kansas City back in January. This was my first appointment. I just wanted to know what to expect from the whole process and now that I know I will have what I need to live my life without fear of losing my home, I am not as afraid, I feel more confident about things, either way...
Just sitting in a hotel room watching the world series and reading some posts. I know you love your H but please do not accept anything less than what is rightfully yours by law. If you feel guilty about it, put the money in a bank account for your kids. You guys sure seem to be moving fast....no use procrastinating like me. By the way W is after me to fill out some papers for the lawyer. I jokingly said...wow you are in a hurry...did you win the lottery or is someone putting pressure on you? no repsonse.
Hi fb2....That was (and is to an extent) my sitch. I earn more than h. He was the one with the affair, he left, he had a couple of other relationships, now I have to pay him his half for the house while we are trying to reconcile. I'm having a littel bit of trouble not being resentful.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
You think I am moving fast now? I don't know what we will decide but the lawyer said if we both agree to terms we could be divorced before Thanksgiving. John, that is the American Thanksgiving
I am tired of fighting, if H wants out he can go. But I will make sure the kids and I have all we need. I am just not going to be the vindictive wench who tries to bleed her husband dry as payback for leaving. That would reflect worse on me than on him...
WHAT?????? Before November 27th??? That is the day D7 becomes D8... Man that is really fast. I am not saying to bleed him but do not be shy to accept what is legally yours....that's all.
Glad the trip to the lawyer went well. Having more confidence that you and the kids will be alright should make the next couple of months go better. My guess is he is not anxious to file. Despite his protestations to the contrary, I think limbo is exactly where he wants to be.
Take the money for your kids. Let me paint an ugly picture and ask you if the OW comes back do you want her to have the money that should be there for your kids?
Don't be foolish. And this is coming from a guy that told his ex to take more money.....I'm not jaded or mad. Take the money. Not for you.. For the kids.
BBJ, I think you are doing the responsible thing given your predicament as John and Woong point out. In Purple's predicament (and mine) its even worse as by law there usually a split down the middle, and the offending party walks away with a huge prize and you do not have a choice in the matter. It is clearly H's decision to walk away and split the family not yours. I spent many months hoping for someone or some event to intercede and inject some sense into my WAW but it never seems to happen even over a long time. However, these people seek out only others who reinforce their thinking that if you aren't happy get out and with as much as you can get. There's no will in them to keep the family together. Often they are mentally and emotionally sick from guilt/depression/low self-esteem, etc. I have let my WAW push the process forward tho' its extremely difficult to sustain yourself in this mode given how emotionally drained you already are from dealing with this person.
So here's my suggestion in your case. Get the D lawyer (better a mediator+lawyer) to draw up a financial and custodial legal settlement that's acceptable and fair to you up front and have H agree to it even before or at least at the same time you 'file' the divorce 'petition'. This agreement should account for all joint assets. The law is very simplistic in this regard (split down the middle in most states). I'm saying this because once the 'filing' happens the process tends to get very hostile and if there's no agreement in place it could get unnecessarily expensive, unpleasant and drag on for months. And the lawyers fuel the fire some more. My W 'filed', then emptied our joint bank accounts (an example of 'unpleasant' and 'hostile'). Once you 'file' or he 'files' be prepared to walk through hell unless you have that agreement in place. I think you are already working along these lines but remember that once two lawyers get going its going to be bloody.
You think I am moving fast now? I don't know what we will decide but the lawyer said if we both agree to terms we could be divorced before Thanksgiving. John, that is the American Thanksgiving
that is fast. I would wager to guess that since you have kids that it will take longer..it's pretty much 6 months minimum in Tennessee and we only have a 30 day waiting period..
The attorney said if we both agree to terms, he can have the agreements filled out in a few days' time. Then he would go before the judge, if the two of us are in agreement on everything we don't even have to go to court, just the attorney. The judge signs off and we are D. There is a 90 day waiting period, but if both parties agree to waive it, you are divorced the day he goes before the judge. Attorney said he is booked until first week of November, but he could do it then and be done within a week if we agree on things...
I am having a rough day...
I am a Christian and I took (take) my vows very seriously. I never intended to get a D, even though my H has been unfaithful and I know that gives me Biblical grounds. However, I am not at all comfortable with being the one to file. I know it is not important in some ways who actually files, but to me it is.
B/C I do not want this D. I have prayed not to get a D. And now that it is here, I am trying to accept it. I believe it says in the Bible that if your spouse asks you for a divorce you should grant it. But it doesn't say if your spouse asks for a divorce you should go file yourself.... as you can see I am struggling.
One of my favorite pastors on the radio had a message last April/May that caught my attention. He said that if your spouse asks you for a divorce, you should let them go. You should not kick, scream, drag them through the mud, etc. It doesn't mean you aren't standing for your marriage. You can choose to remain single after marriage, you can choose to honor your vows if you want, etc. But it is not honorable to punish the other person. But he did seem to make the point that if your spouse wants to leave, they should leave and take the actions, you would just honor those actions or whatever.
Last night H said again that he has ZERO plans to get a lawyer. He says it will be cheaper if he doesn't get one. He just wants me to go and work out the agreement with my attorney and he will sign it. I told him that meant I would have to serve him and I didn't want to do that. He asked if he could just use my lawyer but I said now that I have consulted with him (I did NOT hire him/give him a retainer though), I don't think he could hire him.
H is also upset that I don't want to co-sign. He says he will not be able to buy a place without my help and if he waits to buy a house after the D is in the works it is very hard to get a home loan while in the midst of a D and splitting up assets. He said he will have to sell off cows/tractor/truck or cash out his 401 K to get a house if I don't help him. I told him that was a choice he was making when he decided to end the marriage...He said he would just get a small 2 bedroom rental in town then. I said that those were crappy and I would not want my children living there with him....
I am pretty sure the bloom is off the rose for H. I said, "Did you think a D would be fun, easy, or convenient?"
