Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis God grant me the patience and the strength...8

Your right, I know that. But I guess I'll tell him no when my heart tells me to.

NC kinda includes sex...that's what she meant...



This sums it up perfectly. My xH would have happily stay married and cheat on me. I did ALL the filing, the appointment making, everything. At first I started it to 'rev' him up, then I continued because I could no longer stand being married to someone who doesn't value me, in any way. Did I want a divorce? Heck, no. Do I love him? Heck, yes. But guess what. Nothing would have changed and I didn't want to see myself in the same spot a year from now.

Some points:

*I want to say I am done posting to you, but I see your pain, feel it, have lived it. So I want to keep trying to persuade you to take a different route.

*Your H should MAN the H*LL up and face your legal stuff. Why would you allow him to run and hide from it, just because (boo hoo) he can't 'handle' it? Then freaking handle it yourself. He is pathetic.

*You walk away from sex EVERY time feeling used and unloved. Why did you think it would be different this time? Because he was nice before hand? I stopped being with my husband when he stopped kissing me (he said it was too personal...ummm. ok) because I want everything when I make love. Not to be used. And let's not even get into the fact that it is physically unsafe to have sex with a WAS, a friend on this board got genital warts from her H just recently.

*newmoro pointed out something so important. H is using you to keep the farm up, eat and rest when he wants (and no pressure from you because you allow it, and keep your mouth shut), and sex whenever he looks your way. You even pointed out that you didn't want to feel used, and lookie lookie, he used you.

TOH, I promise to keep following you but I don't want to get carpel tunnel for nuttin'. I know everyone does what they think is best, but sometimes, it doesn't work.

toh, just stopping with a 'good luck' in court tomorrow.

I really don't know what to say. Although I agree with you...and have said the same things over and over to myself and to others...I don't know why. It ISN'T that I think so little of myself. It ISN'T that I don't believe I deserve better. It IS just that I don't know what to do at this point.


I do think I know who TOH is. And it has NOTHING to do with H.


I fear this is true, I believe you, BUT again...

please don't lwb. I understand everyones' frustrations...and I trully do listen and take to heart what EVERYONE says. I take something from each and every post.

I'm sorry lwb, but I don't want to end up like you, D'd. I'm sorry. I can not file for ANY reason. At least not today. Not saying that I won't get to that point, just not today. For some crazy, pathetic, stupid, (whatever you want to call it)reason. I can not give up on my H. I can take care of me and I'm working on that daily. Just need to find what works.



Trust me lwb, I was in no way defending his cowardness...And I do not let him hide from it. HE paid the retainer fee, HE is paying for the L. And HE will pay the fine/restitution. Every so often I make sure he doesn't forget. I tell him what is going on with the sitch. I don't wait for him to ask because he won't. But he "needs" to know what I am going through whether he likes it or not. BUT again. His action is why this all happened. BUT I committed the crime.



not feeling used EVERY time. I think I use him as well. But unloved EVERY time. I thought this time...We haven't in quite awhile. Even alot longer that he was sober. He initiated completely I did nothing. It was so out of the blue. I really don't know what I thought, I just couldn't say no.

lwb, I really am lost in this thing. I honestly do not know where to go from here. I promised myelf that I will continue to STOP calling him, to STOP initiateing any contact, to busy myself with MY life and my girls and leave him to himself. Other than that I'm clueless.

I feel everyone's frustrations with me. It seems everyone I know, here and in the real world are all giving up on me. But something keeps me doing what I'm doing. Eventually I'll "get" it, if/when I figure out what "it" is...

TOH,
Not to be harsh, but if you wait too long to "get" it, by the time you do, it just may be too late. Is what you are doing now bringing you any closer to reconciling with your H? MWD says if what you are doing isn't working, try something different.

You don't seem to grasp that letting go is not the same as giving up.

Be harsh Andabelle, I need it and appreciate it.



I don't know...good question? Here everyone says no, others in my life say no, but in my gut?...
He is coming around more. We seem to be connecting again some. He stays over frequently. He hasn't mentioned D in a long time. I see he's missing home. I see he's missing me. He's intiating contact. So I can't say it's NOT working. But I don't know that it is either.


I understand that that is how it is defined here. In my sitch I am afraid that it is the same.

Okay someone help me out here...

I AM doing as everyone says. I've stopped all intiating anything. I've stopped R talks. I don't ask how he is or where he's been or what he's doing. When he's here I act as if I'm Great!. I act as if he doesn't matter anymore. I act as if I've accepted his decision. If I'm busy I stay busy, if I'm idle I'll join in what's going on with who's here (doing what ME wants to do). I've stopped going to family stuff, just to stay away from him.

The other night the only thing I did wrong is I slept with my H. HIS IDEA, HIS INITIATING. I let him use me yes, but in a sense I used him too. I took advantage of the moment, maybe it'll be the last...I'm torn. Part of me tells me to say no, part of me says "no don't". Some have said "keep the connection". Am I really doing bad DB?

I'm okay after the other night. I knew what comes next this time. I knew that now he'll withdrawl. But THIS time, TOH is not going BSing with him. Do I regret it? No. Just wish it could be different. You tell me to do something different. I am. This time I will not call and ask where he's been. I will not ask how can he do this to me again. I will not plead to spend more time with me. This time I am just fine. I had sex with my H period. But this time I will hold my head up and keep moving forward. What he does is up to him.

I can understand you don't want to be me, divorced. Heck, I don't want to be me either! But do you want to be YOU a year from now?

Annabelle is MUCH nicer than me in trying to point out things to you. lol

TOH you aren't doing everything the board says. Many of us say to NOT have sex with your husband. To be gone when he is around. To make plans for yourself. To not answer HIS calls to you. You are picking and choosing what you are changing. And what you have changed, he hasn't noticed.

Don't get me wrong, you have changed so much. But be very very careful that you are being honest with yourself. Honest about feeling used, and feeling ok after sex. Honest about not caring what he does, honest about your actual feelings 'as if' when he is around. Its a tricky business, being honest with yourself. I used to tell myself all the time I was fine having sex with H, that I was fulfilling MY needs as well, but guess what? I wasn't fine with it. My xH would take his pants off right now if I asked him to (still asks me for it all the time), but I know I can't. It hurts more than it feels good. Make sense?

Sara on these boards (she is reconciled with her H) always says "There is nothing wrong with having sex with your husband/wife", but she always adds "if you are emotionally ok with it". Make sure you are. Sometimes in a relationship the closeness of sex brings a spouse around. I don't think this is the case with you. What else can you try?