Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I think I may belong here.

Well hopefully someone will reply who has some understanding of this. I have been reading other threads and am coming to some understanding. I see so many similarities it is really scarry. I don't think I really wanted to believe this is what was happening for a long time. Now I really think I have no choice.

I realize that if I hadn't gotten sick last year, H probably would have done all of what he is doing now, then. H tries to be responsible cuz his parents weren't and I think that is a big part of why he has been struggling for so long. I also think he has been struggling with this for a long long time. I have come to see the catalyst of everything. His favorite grandmother died in early 2006. She was the person who always loved him no matter what. It was shortly after that that he started to really change. The anger was already there, but the replay behaviors started then. Unfortunately, they are still continuing now and it is killing me. I don't know this person at all. This is not the man that I fell in love with and definately not the person I married. My reprieve for about 7 months came becasue I was sick and he felt he had to be there. He has cut his family out. No friends that he used to have. Just don't know anymore. Only seems to want to talk to people who are supportive of what he is doing. However, he has told me has hasn't even told them his real feelings. I have been through so much myself these last two months. I want to share it all with him. At first, he was not interested at all and to be honest, I wasn't really sure if I should. I am becoming so much stronger in myself. I am releasing all of my fears and now they are being replaced by legitimate ones that I am losing my M. I am trying to let them go to because I know they will stop the journey that I need to be on.

H has exhibited such strange behavior. S has started to comment on it to me. Running around the house in underwear, coming out of bathroom naked, regardless of who will see. Not calling. S doesn't really understand why I am detaching although I am trying to explain to him as best as I can. I can't push H. I just can't. He is starting to be responsible for money. Is showing interest in the bills. Tells me I need to work more, last thing was how can I expect him to carry the whole thing. So then I told him I might add two more days (the days he suggested) and he told me I need to remember that S has to get back and forth to karate. I can't win. For almost 2 months, H has not asked me to buy anything for him (food, medicine, whatever...) Has been eating really badly, or not at all, although has eaten a little if I cook it. I have also not been cooking much. Which has really disappointed me cuz I love to cook and hate "boxed" food. Yesterday, he had a list for me to go to grocery, sort of. Told me he wants to take food to work, but not always sandwiches. Didn't know what he wanted and said I should just pick some stuff out. I asked him about what he had told me a few months ago, when his schedule changed, about liking to have dinner when he comes home. He said he still wants that. He has started to say little we and our things, unlike when he dropped the bomb and everything was me, and had been for a long time before. I know he is struggling. His heart is showing him something that he doesn't want in his head. He is in small ways pulling closer to me (ways that we haven't had in a long long time) but in other ways he is stepping further away. I know this is going to be a long road, especially since it has been so long already because of how he fights with himself.

I have to just keep doing what I need to do to improve me. I have to do what God has told me to do about getting my house together. I have to just keep loving him and hope that someday, he sees it and accepts it and comes through this. I have to keep praying.

Please anyone, any comment or support would be really appreciated.

K,

I know ur struggling, sorry u havent gotten any responces, when u want to, come back to ur thred in newcomers, we are here for u. And praying for u.

Kel,

Sorry for all that you are going through. To say that it is difficult when a spouse decides to check out is such an understatement.

It seems like you and your husband have had difficulties for some time, with both of you having issues that would benefit from some good counseling. You seem very depressed, and that is a natural by product of having your spouse tell you that they are not interested anymore. But natural or not, depression keeps us from being at our best, so help should be sought.

I was NEVER a counseling or pill person. Hardly ever even went to the Doctor for that matter. When my ex took off, I was a mess. Eventually I asked my doctor for something, and he gave me some anti-depressants. I didn't use them long, but between the medecine and a wonderful counselor, I soon began picking myself up.

Your husband has NOT left. And while his behavior is inappropriate and scattered, there still seems to be some sense of right and wrong left in him. These are positives I see in your situation. Honestly, with a previous track record of infidelity already on his chart, he could easily be gone if he wanted to be.

So what do you do? How do you deal with things when the world seems to be falling around you?


Step number one is to heal YOURSELF. You are depressed, and you've shared issues that you brought to the marriage that made things worse. All of these things, to me at least, sound like things that could be worked out with a counselor and time. This is really something that you should STRONGLY consider, if even just for your own future well being.

Sounds like you've done well at leaving your husband be. Pressure and pleading rarely does anything but drive a spouse further away. You've allowed him some control in things at home, and I think this is a good thing. Just make sure you keep an eye on finances. He can do them, but you should know what's going on also.

Your faith can and should be a source of strength and energy during this time. Turn your cares over to God, knowing full well that God expects us to MOVE, not sit around and wait for the miracle.


Take care of yourself FIRST. It will better enable you to deal with your husband.


Blessings,

Bill

Thank you Bill. I actually got AD's and they are helping.

H says no counseling. I might consider it though.

hey sweetie, YES i understand if you hadnt gotten sick would this be happening, I truly do. this is what I have to say to you, we arent promised anything in life, health? stress will make all your issues worse. today, be a mother, that is our job every day. live today for your children and for you, you can do this hell i do it, dont like it all the time, but I do. you arent alone, we have eachother!
hugs

BG-thank you and I hope you are feeling well. My sitch is so crazy and for a while I just didn't even know what it was. Getting there now though. I do live for my S. I always have although I must say I did kinda expect him to become a selfsufficient teenager much faster than he is and I'm really glad for that.

Hugs back. They are great.

Kelaaron,
Sorry you are finding yourself here. I am surprised you have not had more people post on your thread, but sometimes it takes a while for people to "find" you.

I'm glad the ADs are helping. How long have you been taking them? I've been on and off ADs since 2001 because of my almost 30-year history of suicidal depression (will probably need to be on them for the rest of my life, my former psychiatrist told me). Different ones work better for different people (I'm on my 7th one), and they do take a while (weeks) to kick in.

Why does your H say no counseling? Do you mean marriage counseling? Or is he saying you can't go to an IC? I definitely agree that it would be good for you to get IC. The person you were working with before probably just wasn't right for you. There are vast differences between therapists, and I hope you get into IC and find someone whose style/background/training suits your needs.

Oh, something about your last post concerned me, and I want to mention it even though it is borderline on breaking one of my self-imposed rules, which is never to give parenting advice to anyone, since I don't have kids.

What you said was, "I do live for my S." I hope that you, first of all, live for YOU (and whatever form your deity may take, if you are a religious person). I don't know if you meant it this way, but I think that if you live for your son, you do a disservice to both yourself and him. You have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help anyone else with theirs. If you are taking care of your needs, you will have a lot more available for taking care of your S. As Bill said, your first step is to heal yourSELF. Your S will (presumably ) eventually become an adult and establish a separate life of his own, and when that happens, you don't want to be one of those people who looks around and says "Who am I, and what am I supposed to do with my life now?"

I hope you will take what I said in the way it is intended--to help you, not for hurt or offense. Feel free to ignore it if it is not helpful.

It sounds to me like you are doing most of the things you need to do--work on your own issues, make yourself a better person, detach, be the stable parent for your S. What are you doing to GAL? Have you done anything FUN lately?

Take care of yourself.

Peace,
Dawn

Dawn--I have actually been reading a lot of your sitch. Thanks for the input. Yes I live for my S. When he was small, it was for me, then him, but over the last few years, it somehow got turned around. I am trying to work through that because to be honest, I have become a chauffer and a cook for him as he is 14 now.

In my GAL, I am getting there. I have always been a bit of a homebody, so putting my home back together is something I'm trying to work very hard on. With H MLC, which for the last year and a half+ I just thought I was a piece of crap wife, got sick, death in family, I just got more and more depressed and really didn't do any more than the minimum. The AD's are only coming into week 3 now. I noticed a bit of a difference after about a week and this week seems even better. I hope I don't have to be on them forever but I guess whatever works....My H grandfather was on them for 20+ years and probably should have been on them his whole life.

H says no counseling period. It just doesn't work. He went to two sessions many years ago, which I thought were about our M, turns out they were about his parents, and it didn't work SO......That was his quarter life crisis, that never went beyond the replay stage. Which is why we are here now. At least that is what I believe.

Personally, right now I am considering counseling but as I have really been finding my faith and my anger has subsided tremendously. I have also been able to find forgivness for all but one person, and that is a really long long story that I won't get into right now. I am working on it but everytime I feel like I'm there, I remember more details. I am just so tired of crying over things. Today, I only had one small episode on my way to Walgreens. I am really trying not to cry infront of H.

We have had a few nice days where I have seen old H, and then tonight he just slipped into anger/depression. I think he has been fighting going there for a few weeks now, but I'm really not sure. Of course, he will go to work for the next 4 days and be in a good mood there (H puts on a great face) and then we will see when he comes home. But he has even been cranky with S. Not bad, just snippy. Want to read more of your sitch as I am really having difficulty with having him at home. I just want to act like his wife, especially since I'm starting to feel like the old me again. I guess it is better than having him out somewhere else though.

Thanks for the words of encouragment.

Kelaaron,
You're reading my sitch? Probably have to do it in stages, I ramble so much! I hope it helps you a bit! You know what "they" say...at worst, you can be a bad example!

Midwestern Girl, Glamgirl, and I were all saying a few days ago how much we are all homebodies, so you aren't alone! Have you found Flylady ( http://www.flylady.net )? I swear by her (well, practically!). Her methods have made a huge difference not just in my house, but in my life!

ADs can take up to six weeks or so to fully kick in, and some will work better for you than others (no way to know but trial and error, unfortunately). Be aware that if you start missing doses, you can go downhill MUCH faster than you crawled up it, so make sure you keep up with those refills and dosages!! And be honest with your Dr. about how you are doing. Don't sugarcoat how you feel just because you think it's going to be too much trouble to switch, or whatever. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right med for you (and sometimes they inexplicably stop working for you, but that's an issue for another day). I was off the ADs for 3 years but I wish I had stayed on, even though I really don't like the idea of having to take drugs. To paraphrase, "I've been rock-bottom miserable, and I've been capable of happiness (with pharmaceutical help)." Capable of happiness is better. Gee, that just doesn't flow as well as the original, does it?

I went back on ADs 2 days after the bomb, but the first med we tried didn't work for me at all, so it was almost 3 months post-bomb before I got some relief. After the bomb, but before my ADs kicked in I was crying for *hours* every day, screaming in the car, wanting desperately to hurt myself, or kill myself or him or OW. Now, on fully-functioning ADs, I rarely cry unless I fail to refill my meds promptly--2 days without my drugs and I start getting weepy, at which point I RUN to the pharmacy and try to breathe through it until my blood levels get balanced out (if you don't let it go very long, it doesn't take long to get back on track). There is no doubt in my mind that I would not be alive today if I hadn't gotten help. I was at the absolute end of my rope.

It is hard having him at home, but I am sure it's hard having them leave too. He's like a roommate who doesn't like me very much. You have to spend a lot more time biting your tongue when they are still at home, I believe. Fortunately for me, I have a fair amount of self-control.

One thing I will mention, though--in the beginning, I was "faking it" but I wasn't "making it" as far as putting on the happy face for him. I did my best, but it's hard to hide your misery from the person who knows you best. Now I am no longer faking it (95% of the time, anyway). I am myself...just a better version of myself than I was before, but it's real now, and not just a mask. But it took a lot of time, a lot of talking with kindred souls and journaling, and a lot of drugs to get me to this point. But being in this much better position emotionally was worth having to take those things for.

Oh, and exercise helps with the depression too! I don't know where you live, but if you are somewhere where the weather is pretty good, being outside helps!

I hope all of this has helped shine a light onto your path. That was my intent, anyway. Take care of yourself, and remember, YOU come before H, and to a certain extent before S, although he would be next on the list. Try to find something that gives you those moments of lifted spirits, however brief.

Blessings and peace,
Dawn

Dawn,

I too ramble. So don't worry about that for me. I work with people who don't speak or communicate in any clear way so for me this is a really good thing.

Prior to DR saying menopause and putting me on AD (I'm only 36 and menopause OMG) H was really being a total jerk or hardly speaking to me at all since latest bomb. But was for the most part being really nice to S and just living life. The day Dr gave me medicine, H had blasted me via text for about 4 hours about something totally stupid and then about S. He came home that night nice as pie and asked why the Dr ordered specific blood tests (H in med field so he is aware) Told him menopause, etc... The rest of the week was fairly quiet. Next week S broke my bed so I had to sleep on the couch for a week cuz H wasn't home to fix it. Thought he would be able after 3 days but it wasn't as easy as he thought and actually apologized for not being able to do it for another 4 days. Finally got bed fixed. Last week was wierd. H has texted me for no reason when he could have texted S. Just going with it. On Sunday, he noticed that i was having pain and was worried. Monday texted several times how was I feeling, what did Dr say, why ultrasound. Did ultrasound on Tuesday, texted H with what happened, when r results? Yesterday went fairly smoothly until later in the day. Getting ready for dinner and H yelled at me for taking so long. Went to dinner. H was cranky. S asked him about working OT today and just what time, H asked Why like S was wrong for wanting to know when his Father was coming home. Dinner H was cranky, quiet, didn't eat much, but put on show for all of our friends as they came up to say hi. As soon as they left table, smile left his face. I finally asked him if he would have rathered me stay home. He said No. No thought no question, just an honest answer. He spoke with me briefly about whatever was on the TV in the restaurant/sports bar and actually dealt with waitress and my needing a knife. After, said I was going outside to smoke, and H actually came with me. We sat and talked a little but not too much. Suddenly, I had to go home. H asked why and I told him I'm sorry I had an accident (crapped myself, side effect of whatever is going on with my health right now). Told him I would wait in car and he and S could take their time. They came out right away. Stopped at store to get cigarettes. At home, I thought that I would have to carry everything in as H just got out of car after snapping at S but he came around and took stuff from me. Put dogs out, I cleaned myself up, H snapped at S about garbage needing to go out. We sat outside and smoked. I apologized about having to come home. H said no problem, why did it happen? I told him it has been happening this week, part of whatever is causing all of my pain. I think gallstones again, which could be really bad as I have no gallbladder (yes you can still get stones), which is also why they were looking so closly at my liver. I just don't know much yet, but this is similar to what happened then. H finished his cigarette and told me he was going to lay down. He was so sad. Said goodnight to both S and me. S noticed and said he said goodnight to you again. (For weeks he said nothing of the sort to me and has started in the last 2). S and I talked for a few minutes about H, crankiness etc... This morning I woke while H was getting ready for work. I wasn't expecting him to speak to me, but he did. The monitor on the computer really is small. Working to 5 or 6 but probably won't go to karate tonight because then only 4 hours of sleep. Fell asleep around 10:30 last night. I asked him, no lunch and he said he would get something.

So just watching and loving him as much as I can. I know he has been surprised by me this weekend. Sunday I made breakfast (I used to every Sunday) He was actually surprised that I made breakfast for him. Yes I admit, that i have stopped doing a lot for him, but I am getting back to me and there is no reason to not include him. I think he thought I would be gone by now. H admits that from almost day one of our R he has waited for me to leave. I admit that after bomb and before, I really did think about leaving but that is not what I want to do. I know I may not win this battle but I have to see it through. I love my H more than life although many times I felt like I was just talking myself into it. For a very long time I was afraid he would leave, but now I'm not. So the road continues........