Bbj, just as Sara said, some people need to learn the hard way. Some even, never do. If you feel you've done all you can, let him be. Really this time. Dont use any of the practical issues to manipulate him, create guilt or intimidate him. Dont point out to him what your D would mean to the kids. He is a grown up man, he saw last time how your S reacted. He knows, he chooses to NOT see it.
I dont think he is "depressed" in the sense that his depression makes him react this way.I think it is the other way around. I think he is fed up with his inability to cope with the sitch for whatever reasons and he feels inadequate and therefore his macho self feels bad. And I am not convinced there is another woman, at least not yet. One will be easy to find if he continues to look for easy fixes... Love K
And yes, you would be fed(good food) and you would have a room here.
I do not "smell" other woman in my present situation, either. And no comment on my choice of words, you know what I meant...
I agree with you, Kalni. He has not been able to decide. He knows he hates our marriage as it stands. He knows he cannot bear another day to look into my eyes and see all the pain he has caused me. He does feel regret for it, yet he doesn't change his ways, so he is angry at himself. I don't think depression is causing his actions, I think his actions and choices cause him to feel depressed.
He thinks making this decision is better than making no decision. He is too afraid we will go back to how we were before, "nothing ever changes" is his mantra. So this will be a change, finally. Even if it is horrible it will be different than the horrible he is used to...
I am ready to be fed, wish I had the time to fly over. Maybe when I am on summer break (June 2009 still in the works??)
Don't expect that "crash and burn"/"come to Jesus" moment will happen soon or at all. Wishing for it may also be useless. And even if/when it happens there's no telling what's next; it could get worse after that. I went thru' months of thinking like this and people telling me things along these lines but its useless thinking. The best you can do is control you as Coach and others point out above. But I like your approach of hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. The biggest challenge is overcoming your fears.
I still think telling the kids (again) will be beyond devastating for me. Even if we tried getting together again down the road, I don't know how S6 could ever trust in the fact that we were really a whole, intact family again b/c we have made that statement before and then split up. I am concerned about his well-being in all of this, more than anyone else's
This absolutely kills me BBJ! I remember wondering how we would tell the boys.
As for S6 not ever trusting him coming back again, I know that you will have difficulties w/ this too if he ever comes back. As I said over on my thread, I still deal w/ it pretty much daily & it's been almost 2 yrs!
Just letting you know I'm still here & thinking about you guys!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
From reading your sitch... I think your H wants out because he's tired of feeling guilty and this guilt only adds to depression.
My guess... when he tries to get off the fence and come over to the side where his family is at he has too much guilt and this guilt only makes his depression worse. I don't think he really wants a D. I think he feels there is no alternative. He feels he has hurt you so much he needs to leave. I could be wrong, but that's my impression so far...
Was there more than one A?
Are you the one who contacted the lawyer first?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
"This man makes 6 figures a year ..." "... based on our incomes (he makes almost exactly 5x what I make), he will be paying" Let me tell you that for the LBS that earns that much more than the WAS its much harder to stomach.
However, with an OW "crash and burn" is more likely than without one.
There was a one-night stand in 2000 on a business trip to Tokyo
There was a 6 week PA in 2002 right after our first child was born
There was (possibly is but I doubt it)a 15 month EA/PA from Spring 2007-July 2008. H has since shown proof that this is over and leaves his phone out all the time, shares details, travel itineraries, etc
Guilt is a big issue b/c he has said many times he doesn't know how I could ever trust him/forgive him for what he has done. This is in large part b/c he does not forgive me, he harbors resentments toward me for things that he knows are not my fault. So if he can't forgive me for things that were not my fault, he doesn't believe I could truly forgive him for the things that are his fault. Hope that makes sense...
FB2 I have heard many of the men here complain about their 401ks being drained, assets liquidated, etc because of greedy WAWs. I am the LBS and I am not greedy, I know you aren't saying that, but I feel guilty at the thought of my H losing these things b/c of a D. I know that makes me weak to a lot of people, I just dont want to become a greedy manipulative B!TCH or I am no better than people like H's former ow.
