H is also upset that I don't want to co-sign. He says he will not be able to buy a place without my help and if he waits to buy a house after the D is in the works it is very hard to get a home loan while in the midst of a D and splitting up assets. He said he will have to sell off cows/tractor/truck or cash out his 401 K to get a house if I don't help him. I told him that was a choice he was making when he decided to end the marriage...He said he would just get a small 2 bedroom rental in town then. I said that those were crappy and I would not want my children living there with him....
I am pretty sure the bloom is off the rose for H. I said, "Did you think a D would be fun, easy, or convenient?" _________________________
not your problems...they are his. Let him come to terms with all this and the fall out..
I can't offer anything from a biblical standpoint BBJ..
I can say I'm proud of you..I know it's hard but your standing up..at imes like these it's hard to do that..
I follow your sitch but not sure if I have posted to you.. I totally totally understand your position over hte finances and not wanting to be one of those woman that bleeds her H dry, or even takes whats legally yours. I have had so many people tell me to take half of his house, because legally, it is half mine and my name is on it, so by law I am entitled, but I would never ever do that. His father left him that house in his will, its his, its his inheritance and I dont want it, morally it would be wrong and it would leave me feeling like one of those woman you describe. I am amazed at the number of people that state I should take it, but I wouldnt. I know you have kids, but as long as you are provided for, I understand your POV totally.
As for the D... it seems it goes against every fibre of your being right now, morally, spiritually, your H is not in a calm place, he's angry, shouty, all over the map.. you know what they say to us all here, dont make decisions or react with emotion, noone ever made a good decision in that frame of mind.. so can you apply that to your H and slow things down for him? I know he cant see the wood for the trees right now, but I sort of dont get the rush, unless you want to just let him sort the D out (and then, like the pastor says, dont fight it) which isnt the same as YOU sorting it out.
I'd just step back, let him rent a place and live with the temporary solution of your kids hanging out there, it wont be forever and its likely to only be for one or two days every week or two, judging by the level of access men seem to get with their kids? You could make the caveat that it has to be a smart rental in a good neighbourhood, even if its small?
Thinking of you, your sitch blew up like a whirlwind didnt it...
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
"He said that if your spouse asks you for a divorce, you should let them go." Like they ask your permission? You have zero choice. Where exactly in the bible does it say things like this?
Yes. He thought it would be fun, easy and convenient. And he thinks that you will take care of it for him, like you take care of everything else. Be careful, his method of getting you to take care of it for him is likely to include throwing temper tantrums that wear down your resolve. That is the way children get what they want.
Bbj, stay focused. Let him be the one to worry. You have done nothing wrong and you still are willing to forgive him if he just showed he wanted to work on the marriage. You have no reason to be extra hostile or mean. Just strict and business like when it is about money etc...
In addressing the issue of husband and wife, Paul said, "Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace," (1 Cor. 7:15).
I do not want to get in a Biblical argument. My point I guess is that it is my personal conviction that I m not supposed to file for divorce if I don't want a divorce...it is frustrating for me b/c I don't want the stress of a complicated divorce but I also don't want to cave and file so things are "easier". Right now I could not live with the decision to file myself, so I will not do anything until I have time to think and reflect...
I do find it interesting that H would allow me to write up the agreement and sign it without getting his own lawyer. WTF? He is the one who wants this to happen...
Guilt is a big issue b/c he has said many times he doesn't know how I could ever trust him/forgive him for what he has done. This is in large part b/c he does not forgive me, he harbors resentments toward me for things that he knows are not my fault. So if he can't forgive me for things that were not my fault, he doesn't believe I could truly forgive him for the things that are his fault.
He can't forgive himself. It sounds like he is running from himself and the guilt. Eventually he'll realize that he won't be able to outrun it.
I agree with Ali. This would be a good time to take a few steps back, and not make any sudden movements or decisions.
I do find it interesting that H would allow me to write up the agreement and sign it without getting his own lawyer. WTF? He is the one who wants this to happen...
Dan's not stupid...he just wants out quickly..he's running like a madman..BBJ..ya know I'm not going to tell you waht to do..but in my sitch when Kim said she wanted this, then Kim had to do the work to get it. I never initiated, never stopped it, never hurried it. I just let it move at it's own pace. I had no desire to help her destroy our family. Ours is still not done..it will be shortly but I still do nothing to hurry it even though I don't want her back. I do nothing to slow it either..I just let it progress..Dan and Kim should have to see, feel and live through this as we do. It should not be done for them but as adults you and I should not cause them any more pain or suffering than what they put on themselves.
I can only share my story: When my wife wanted the divorce she acted a little like Dan from the "no lawyer, you work it out point". I didn't want this divorce and you know that. But, it was important for me to make sure my children were protected through all of this. She wasn't prepared to make the right decisions (e.g., no money etc) and so I took the lead to make sure she was protected and my children would never see her suffer.
I think your case has some similarities. Dan isn't in a position to do this right. He needs someone to help him and he won't get help on his own. My fear is that if you let him try to do this on his own it could be messy and ugly. You've seen what happens when he gets really upset.
I know you don't want to be the one to file and neither did I. At least in my state we had the option of filing jointly. It's the option I chose that let me sleep at night and still protect my children.
Just my two cents....
You are the sane one. You need to be the quaterback right now BBJ. I know it sucks. But I also have complete confidence in you. You are a strong and special person. Afterall, you are my little sis. I don't expect anything else.
He feels guilty. The good side of that is, if you do it now, he will most likely be generous to you. If you wait until he gets over his guilt and finds ways to be angry at you over this, he will not be as generous in the agreement.
