Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Back to life, back to reality?

Hi Sep,

OK. Now I am extremely upset again. I am feeling pretty lost right about now, like today is the make it or break it day, and I hold none of the cards. I was on our PC, and I noticed that he has a new Hotmail account (when I went to sign in myself), and that he belongs to something called "Couchsurfing", and there is some 25 year old girl who he calls "an old army buddy and friend". I don't really think anything has been going on, but it as-if he has constructed this new life that he does not want me to be a part of. He never says that he is married or anything. I am not sure how much more of this I can take. I am just so frustrated because it is really hurting my career and I would not want to be here if things weren't going to work out. Ugh. I need to feel positive again.

ITH

Just like I told JCJ NO ASSUMING!!! You don't know what is going on there and you do not want to assume the worse. Today is NOT the make it or break it day so get that negative thought out of your head.

You have to fill your head with all the positives and act 'as-if' this is going to be a pleasant conversation of just making a schedule. Do not act defensive and just validate that you will need time apart here & there and are willing to come up with a schedule (together) that you both can agree on!!

~Positive Vibes~

Hi Sep,

Thanks. I just feel like I have been messing up SO much today. I just backslid again and IMd him and asked if what was going on with us impacted his ability to work. He said yes. Then I said that I can't have another conversation over IM like I had today. That was probably fair enough, but I went on to say that I hoped he would try to be happy with me, that I promised not to be pressuring, and to offer him all the space he needed to explore and do his own thing...then he said "let's just talk tonight." Of course I didn't let it go, and said "do you miss me when you don't see me." His answer was "sometimes."

OK trying not to feel like today is the make it or break it day. This is based on the things he's been saying though about wanting certainty. And I pushed SOOOOO much in my IMs telling him that I loved him, that I wanted to stick by him etc.

Will do my best to overcome the not-so-nice conversations, and think of the positives. I will get it in my head that today was just a backslide, and act "as-if" it was just silliness, and that everything is great. I really don't think that anything is going on with any other girls exactly, but it's just that now he's got this whole INILWY thing going on, and it makes me think that maybe he has been flirting a lot with girls who make him feel different than I do. It's not even jealousy at all, but just something that is harder to overcome. Honestly if he TOLD me that he had slept with someone but felt really bad about it and wanted to try, I would be fine.

OK, I've got about 3 hours to think of the positives and get them into my head...

ITH

Hey ITH

I wouldn't stress too much. I see a lot of positives. It's not like he is kicking you out of the house altogether, he just needs a bit more space. Like a transitional phase. It is more than you were expecting even a couple of weeks ago so I would really try to focus on that and be content. It's not perfect but at least you are moving forward. As far as the email business goes I would try not to jump to conclusions. Believe me, I know the feeling, I HATE seeing pics of girls on my hubbys myspace with their little cutsey comments. It's highly disrespectful of them and of him because he will not take them off. But you cannot jump to conclusions or play the "what if" game because it will only make you crazy and you need your focus right now.

Hang in there and let us know how it all turns out.

I very much agree with Daisy!! ITH thinkn about it just a few weeks ago you were scared of the De Facto Ninja style of moving in and here you are in the house again!! And one of your concerns was having to stay in the other room yet you guys sleep in the same bed every night.

Take a deep breathe and just relax!!

Thanks Daisy and Sep,

He doesn't see it as me moving in though, and on IM he said at least 5 times "I just don't know if I can do this." I am sure that I was pushing him, so let's hope that I can pull my act together when he gets back. It's so hard though when you just want them to see reason...I went SO overboard with my "I would do anything for the marriage" comments.

Anyway I will post as soon as possible after "the talk".

ITH

Pull yourself together ITH you can do this!! I know it's hard...Ohhhh trust me. You don't know how bad I want to tell H that we can do this and I want more than anything for our marriage to work. But I think about it and realize that by scaring him off that I will not reach my goal. You can try that tonight think everything you are going to say thru and ask yourself, 'If I say this will it bring me closer or farther from my goal'. That is what has helped me not to slip. Good Luck!!

We are here sending good vibes and wishing you a good conversation tonight.

Its human nature, the harder you try and hold onto something, the more it trues to wriggle free. The fact that he said FIVE times on IM, I dont jnow if I can do this...seems you were placing a lof of pressure on him to agree to do this. I was also wondering if there were any EAs on teh scene, after my own experience, I cant believe how naive I was not to spot that...when a man is still got a foot in the R, but is not agreeing to really working on it, it seems that there is often an innappropriate R somewhere.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I think refrain from telling him how you see things or how you think he feels about stuff or how you see it working (obviously he knows, you want to be with him, make it work, but you arent the one in the driving seat, sadly, in matters of love, there are often a balance of power at play)... so just say you are happy to talk about things if HE needs to, but otherwise you dont need to talk about stuff (this was Jody's advice to me). And then listen. And then agree to what he wants...even if it kills you. What choice do you have?

We are all here for you, wishing you luck ITH.

Al x

Thanks Sep and Ali,

Yeah in terms of an EA, never know, I guess there could be. My thoughts on that are that he is likely getting lots of attention from women, and they are giving him a feeling I don't right now. There is a big part of me that wants to ask him about this, but I will bite my tongue unless he brings up something that makes me think.

I would REALLY rather not have any R talks with H whatsoever, and would be more than happy to just try and have things be nice and light between us for awhile, but he ALWAYS brings things up. Ali--you're right, I was pushing him for sure. I felt SO mad that this was going on at work and I kind of lost it.

I am not sure though about agreeing to exactly what he wants. Jody said that he will make decisions that are not in the best interest of the marriage, as he is so down on marriage right now. I do know that as I don't have the cards, I am not really in a position to ask for much. However, it seems that when we have these conversations, he does usually come around a bit about 1 thing or another. I will not keep harping on about the marriage, but I may say that in order for me to feel satisfied with my own decisions and where I am, I need to see what it is like to spend more time together. I will play this by ear. I can really only ask for something if I do so with complete lack of emotion and try to point out the benefits to him as well. Like I said, I somehow got him to believe that the trial living together sitch was completely his idea. The timeframe was, but not the living together part. These conversations are like a black hole though. I can never remember exactly what is said, and it seems as though they are not a part of reality.

Sep--I will definitely keep in mind the end goal. I think my issue here is that I am 100% convinced that living together is the right way to reach that goal. I just need to be very ninja-like with my conversational moves.

Thanks for the support ladies. I will post later, with hopefully GOOD news,

ITH

So we were supposed to have this "big talk" as I've been mentioning and stressing about.

H gets home at 8 PM, and we watch a few DVDs. He has 2 beers and a glass of good tequila. For him these days, this is a lot to drink. I assumed the tequila was because he was nervous about talking to me.

Finally the 3rd DVD ended, and I sat still, waiting for the inevitable...then he says "OK Good night," and goes downstairs...

I said I'd be down there in a few minutes. I want to wait sufficient time for him to turn off the light and be sleeping. I am INCREDIBLY confused. I'm not feeling very well, and he knows this, so I wonder whether he is just trying to "be nice". I put that in quotes because he doesn't know what being nice means these days. There is so much left unspoken. Again he said if I wasn't feeling well, I should stay home from work tomorrow.

So, I feel like of my own accord I should stay at least 1 night at a friend's house soon to show that I am listening to what he wants and that I care, but if I do this now, it opens up the whole can of worms that doesn't seem to be open right this second...Tomorrow I think I actually am going to take one of my vacation days and stay home, so will not get on IM at all, and will thus basically not talk to H at all. I haven't gone to bed yet, so realize that something COULD come up there still, but barring this, this is another bizarro moment. I am really confused about the next course of action. H knows how I feel and that I want us to live together and work things out, so he can't possibly think I am going to bring up one of these conversations. However now that he has said he wants me to stay at my friend's house 3 nights this week, am not sure if he is just magically expecting I will do this. OK...

Sorry I've been absent from others' threads lately. This is just a pretty draining time for me, but tomorrow afternoon I should have time to post.

ITH