How do you find a local counsellor who uses a DB philosopy? I have my W agreeing (in principal anyways) to see a marriage counsellor instead of a separation/divource counsellor but am nervous as to which one to choose. I am in the process of becoming a police constable and nervous about how this instability in my home life will affect my applications and thereofore wanting as much annonimity as possible (they can check into my medical records but not sure about this and feel us trying to work things out versus trying to end things is viewed as working out problems and therefore more stable, but not sure). Anyways I want to find someone we can see together who believes in or follows as closely as possible the DB style versus the old therapys Michele talks about in her book. I don't know where to start as my family doctor didn't really give much help and not sure how to find the right person to help me bust my W's separation choice. We live in Southern Ontario, Canada and any help or advice would be tremendously appreciated. I am hopeful and optomistic but feel all alone and not sure what to do or where to turn. Without Michele's book, Divorce Busting, I don't know where I would be at right now and am hoping with everything I am I/we can fix this with the help of a professional. I desperatly need help, please!
Just caught your title and wanted to respond since I'm one of the few people around here who lives in your area. In fact, at this point, not sure of any others.
I live in Niagara and have been on the bb for nearly 7 years. I did not save my marriage but I tried really hard. Have moved on with my life but still encourage anyone in the early stages to do their best to try to save the situation.
I would most certainly go to marital therapy especially if my spouse agreed to go. Finding a solution based therapist is not that easy. I would start by asking family/friends if anyone has gone to a C that they felt really helped them. I was lucky to find one through my ex's insurance. But it was just dumb luck. You could try calling some of the family counsellors in the Yellow Pages and ask about their philosophies.
The most important thing is to do this for yourself and your spouse. Do NOT do it just because of your job. Cops have as many marital problems (or more) as the rest of us and it should never be looked at as a weakness to get help for one's marriage. In fact - it is a sign of insight and intelligence to put one's R as a high priority.
I had a cop friend who did not get M help. His wife cheated on him with a fellow cop. One year later my friend committed suicide. I wish to God he had got the help he needed at the time.
Please look for a therapist. Maybe you could even go alone first and see if they share your philosophies before taking your wife along. Do keep us posted. Many people here will help you make the right decisions.
You might even try smartmarriages.com, and association to which Michele belongs. Not all are SBT therapists, but this is an association of therapists committed to marriage and family. They may have a reference for you if Michele's office does not.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I am in Ontario too, lurker mostly. I am wondering Barbidoll if your therapist WAS good why woudn't you reccomend them to someone else in Ontario? I would love ot hear of a good one in this area. lol
My input on such a matter would simply be to choose a counselor who is going in the same direction as you.
I would strongly suggest having a very frank and candid dialogue with the counslor before deciding on them. Make sure you are on the same page.
I failed to do this when my XW and I first started having troubles and the counselor guided us in a direction we never recovered from. He was a slob of a guy who was just too lazy to be real with us. He was a people-pleaser who was affraid to challenge us with real issues.
So regarless to what flavour of counselor you end up choozing, I would suggest you make sure they are going in the direction you believe in and that they are hard-working, fair, and honest.
Chazz is soooo right Sometimes you have to try out a few, like L
Ours was real vanila, just throw Dr. Phil books at us and said come back and report to me what you read.wth?? after 2 sessions she told us we would prob just be better off D , she said this because ex sat there w/ his arms folded, and a sour look on his face, she knew it took two. She was right in the end and when she hugged me and whispered, You WILL be fine, truth be told she WAS right, but at the time I wanted her to try harder!! Its all a personal c hoice. Good Luck to you
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
Two sessions and ours said we should S! With no plan whatsover to make sure the S did not turn to D! Brilliant eh?
Like saying to a suicidal person.... "Here, hold my loaded gun for me but dont shoot yourself".
There was no plan, no timeline, no discussion of how we would behave during S, not discussion of communication, bill paying, child time, etc. Just "Separate" and see how it goes.
Yet, I will take the blame for being even dumber than the cousnelor because I paid him! Duh.
Anyway... my point again is choose a counselor that believes the way you do. Are they a marriage-saver or an orderly-dismantler?
We place as much trust in them as we do a brain surgeon. I would suggest that we dont just choose out of the yellow pages and definitely do not go low-bid.
My thoughts and experiences anyway.
I cant believe I am saying this but I actually am smirking at this moment realizing how stupid my whole counselor sitch was. Not what the sting is gone, it is actually so asenine it is funny. I could not have scripted a dumber sitch.
