Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Let him fly...

This is my current plan:

1)Set up a list of desires/expectations for the divorce in terms of child custody, finances,possessions, etc

2)Meet with the lawyer this afternoon to see which things on the list are/aren't reasonable/legal/acceptable.

3)Share this list and the input I receive from the lawyer with Dan.

4)Prepare in every way for the divorce except the actual filing. He will need to do that himself since it is what he wants.

5)Continue to make plans for myself and the kids in a future where I am not married to Dan. Be polite to Dan, but do not act toward him as a wife anymore. I read about those who want to be their spouse's best friend and it ultimately saved their marriage....I feel like I have been trying that and it has brought me to this point.

This is not an attempt to get his attention. I need to accept that if H does not want me in his life, any attempt on my part to bait him, manipulate him, pressure him to stay, etc will just make it worse and make him run away even faster.

I think it is time I just open up the gate and let him run free. What he does after that is up to him. He will most likely find the gate locked behind him...

As you say, he is probably clinically depressed. Maybe even a stronger psychological problem. Beyond the reach of TLC. Problems that are not your fault are his parents' fault. He has wrapped himself in a blanket of blame and he is willing to destroy everything around him rather than let go of the blanket.

My husband and I were able to reach that existential moment through the Retrouvaille program. Unfortunately, that didn't work for you. Woog is right. There is no alternative to him getting help from a professional. He can do it now while he still has people who love him around him, or he can do it later, when all that is gone.

When my son was depressed and doing alcohol and drugs, I took him to a psychologist. He walked out of the session. The psychologist called me in and told me, "it doesn't matter. Eventually he will get the help he needs, either in jail or in a mental hospital." He was right. My son ended up getting help in both places. It could have been easier, but that wasn't his plan. He had to crash and burn.

Cross post.

I like your plan. Don't let him manipulate you.

I removed all our guns to a 3rd party when my W was so crazy. I was not afraid for myself, but more of what she might do to herself. My neighbors exH committed suicide a little while back when his fiance called off the wedding. And he was the top ranked enlisted guy in the Portland area military.

Have you thought about getting your son into the cub scouts next year when he is in the first grade? If Dan could be compelled to go with his son to meetings, it is a great place for him to interact with other good fathers and husbands.

Thank you, Sara. I am a fixer but this is something I cannot fix. Fortunately for me I am also a planner and a list-maker so this planning stage feeds into my strong suit...I fear Dan may have his moment in jail, in a bar, in a hospital, or in some random woman's bed. Who knows? But it is not for me to focus on that, is it...so I won't.

Kerry you know we only have one gun and it is a hunting rifle, a .22 I think. I have only seen it a few times in our marriage. I don't know where it is now, if it is in storage or out at his parents' farm. Again, I can't control that right now, either.

H does a good job spending time with his kids. Tonight while I am at night class he is taking them to his mom's house so they can all have a "game night" together. He said his mom is concerned that after her surgery/bladder cancer operation, she may not be up for playing for quite a while and once to enjoy them while she can. I told H to have fun playing with them and I meant it. Right now S is in karate and will also have swim lessons starting in the Spring but we can sure look into Cub Scouts.

BBJ,

Please do this for me. No, do it for yourself.

Let him know upfront that his displays of anger are unacceptable, and they are not just wife abuse, but family abuse. He is not to do them in front of you and/or the kids anymore. He can go out and do them somewhere else, or he can learn to control himself. You are not going to live in an abusive relationship anymore.

Sara,

I see what you are saying. But from H's perspective, we are not going to be having ANY kind of relationship anymore, except co-parents.

I just sent him the draft of what we want to do re. kids, money, insurance, housing, possessions,etc. No idea how he will react. Probably get mad, get stubborn and say do whatever just so he can be rid of me....

He has not moved out. There is a relationship, even if it is roommates. He has to act like a person, not a crazy man.

I know he hasn't moved out, but he wants to as soon as possible...I am extremely sad and disappointed about the whole thing. I still think telling the kids (again) will be beyond devastating for me. Even if we tried getting together again down the road, I don't know how S6 could ever trust in the fact that we were really a whole, intact family again b/c we have made that statement before and then split up. I am concerned about his well-being in all of this, more than anyone else's.

I want to raise him to believe that love, marriage and commitment can last a lifetime....

Let him do it. You practice loving detachment. Let him figure it out. You pray, work on yourself, take care of your kids and be the best BBJ there is. I think you have the right mentality - two options and be prepared for both. You can handle it.