Get yourself another IC and quick! You need to do a bit of research and find one that is both (1) pro-marriage, and (2) solutions-based. If not #2, then #1 at the very least!
Resist the temptation of hearing/relying on second-hand news, bro. False hopes set you up for a big time fall. Again, this is between you and your W...no one else. Period.
It's tempting to grasp onto any kind of shallow-rooted shrub when it appears you're sinking into this quicksand sitch, but what you hold on to will just uproot itself. You'll find yourself sinking faster and deeper because of all the unnecessary struggling.
Calm yourself...be still...
- Me = 32 y/o - WAW = 32 y/o - M = 2.5 yrs, T = 12.5 yrs - No kids - Bomb, WAW moved out, D filed = 8/15/08
One thing I wanted to run by everyone is that my MC is very intrigued by the fact that I have no anger / animosity towards my WAW. I wanted to get everyone's take on this to see if they've had similar feelings.
I have been separated for over 4 months. At first I did not lay any anger at the feet of my WAW. However, it is important to know that it may come to you overnight. I have even tried to get angry over what my W has done to me and our lives. I could only stay mad at her while I was thinking about and when I stopped thinking about it, my anger would go away. Just recently I had about 3 weeks of total anger about my sitch. Fortunately, I had someone I could vent to and or I would tell my C or I would write it down to get it out of my system. In my case I have to vent my emotions or they will come out when I can not control them. That could be a bad thing if it is done at the wrong time with your WAW. I am not angry now and I feel better. I still ride a rollercoaster however.
Anger is part of the heeling process. If you actually going through the healing process then hang on you will get angry, but when you do, control yourself. You don’t want to damage your sitch anymore than it is already.
Was part of your problem in your sitch was your anger? Maybe you don’t angry because you are not totally behind improving your R/M.
Hi COG, I am still waiting to receive it. I guess they sent it via carrier pigeon!! Hope to have it in the next couple of days. Thanks for checking in.
Hi VS54, I have been keeping a "journal" if you will, writing down my thoughts and emotions on a daily basis. I am thinking that this might be helping me to quell any anger I might have. The other thing is that I feel like i don't have a right to be angry because of my fault in the situation. I know I can't beat myself up forever but I just can't seem to get past it. I definitely DO want to improve. I just haven't been given any opportunity to communicate with her at all. She won't respond to anything.
The journal is a great idea. I don’t keep a journal, but I write letters to my WAW. I take them to my C for review and we talk about them. I have written 4 or 5 letters to my W and never sent one of them. I have felt the same way. I figure that a lot of the problems my W walk away from were due to my action. However, it dose take to tango. Your W taught you how to treat her. I want too and have been working on my issues, but she will have to realize that she had some issues as well. Keep working on yourself, so when you get the chance you will be ready.
I understand the frustration you going through in communicating your changes. One of the most common pieces of advice I have gotten from the people here is “Give It Time” and “Be Patient” as long as she is not pushing the Big D you have time. They also say here, that even it the D has started you still have time. My WAW said the same thing to me. Don’t push me ….. give some time. Giving that time is the hardest thing to do for me. Time is your ally.
I have been beating myself up as well. I think the LBS that want to change are the hardest on themselves. I hope you avoid the anger part, but it took me about 4 months to hit my anger button. I have those 2 in the morning thoughts that would not do anything, but make me hurt later and push my WAW even further. I have accepted the anger as part of the natural processes of grieving and “you are grieving.” I have learned not to let the anger control me. I love my W. It may sound funny but, the more of this rollercoaster I go through the more I recognizes that I truly love my W. It makes me even more determined to fight for what I want to keep.
it definitely takes 2 to tango. My WAW has been seeing a therapist for about a year or so I imagine she is dealing with her issues in her own way. I am DEFINITELY working on my own issues.
as far as her pushing the big D, she filed a week after she found out about my online activity. She left the night she found it and never came back - with the exception of gathering her stuff while I've been at work. I havent heard anything else from the lawyers.
I feel some frustration with her not communicating but it hasn't turned to anger - yet. I do miss our dog - which she took when she left.
