Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice II

Original post is locked, don't know why. Good weekend. Wife stopped by tonite to drop off my D. asked when I was getting my ceiling ifxed, tolde her when i get the insurance check. told her I have to fix the leak on the outside. She barked that she told me it has been leaking for 5 years. I backed down and said I know. she then wanted to know about a spare key for my daughter. she said that her giving my daughter her house key wasn't going to happen. I never looked at her while she spoke to me. she seemed to want to argue with me or get some kinfd of rise out of me. didn't happen. she then went outside to leave and talked to her brother. Told him that everyone thinks she's not telling the truth, tired of their mother bitching her out, she does spend time with her kids, where is ma getting her info. Says when my youngest D turns 18 she's heading south, can't take the cold. He said she was talking like she was out there, not sounding like her, almost like some tough guy mentallity. Anyway, hope my friends are still out there.

Got an email from the line dancing instructor this morning making sure I am going tonight. I have a Halloween party this saturday night as well. My social calendar is doing well this week. Going to my father in laws for dinner mayb Wednesday night. Had both grandkids this weekend, one overnight at my camp Saturday and watched the other for a few hours yesterday. they were awesome. W spent considerable time trying to connect with kids this weekend. From what I hear, MIL is really beating her up. W called my son to go over to where she is staying Saturday night to have a fire. My son asked who was there, she told him, her, her GF and GF's ex husband. My son said it sounds too cold , not tonight. Reached out for that because I had other grandson and was having a fire with him. Kids all called and told me she is reaching out to them, and when they do get together its awkward because its like she isn't even there. Kids felt "no connection". youngest D wanted me to go and get her over W friends house. told her that wouldn't be right. D said she was bored, W barely talked to her, just complained about her mother beating her up with everything she is doing. MIL called me twice this weekend. told her everything was fine, i was doing well. each time she tried to tell me about W, told her I had to go and politely got out of the conversation and hung up. Also found out this weekend that my daughters have put me on an online dating website.

Sounds like you are taking a firmer stance. Your W might show some anger but she will begin to have more respect for you when she knows you are strong, taking care of business and moving on.

Keep the kids out of it completely and diffuse the inevitable drama. Keep the MIL at bay and don't take the bait from her or anyone else.

Show no weakness. None. Set your boundaries and what you will put up with. Make it clear to your W that the OM business is unacceptable and that there is no chance for progress as along as the OM is on the scene.

Dating sites, dating etc...if it is a manipulation on your part or your children's part, it is a no no. If you want to have a platonic date as this point, then just do it with no fanfare,drama and anyone elses opinion. Don't do it with anyone your W knows.

I'm dating right now and it is wonderful. I met a woman and we connect on many levels. I had an outrageously great weekend. No pressure or expectations. Just lots of fun. I'm living life again and never imagined it would be this much fun. The last couple of years of my marriage were deceptive and my perceptions were warped. The MLC/WAW can drain you. My tank was empty. I'm now filling it back up and it feels very nice.

There are worse things than divorce. There is life after divorce. People told me this and I didn't believe them but they were right.

Good luck. Respect yourself and be good to yourself. You deserve it. You deserve to be respected ( as does everyone else). What your W is doing is disrepectful to you, your kids and the institution of marriage. Don't play her game. Be better than that.

Take care.

Thanks for your response, was hoping to hear from you. Yes, I am taking a harder stand and I am showing a harder side, attitude wise. She knows quite well that this situation with OM is totally unacceptable at any/all levels. I am doing what you suggested for two main reasons, and several smaller ones. Main reason #1 is that everytime my MIL talks to me about it, I get emotionally charged and it takes me a couple of days to recover, tired of being drained because of it. the Main reason #2 is becasue I believe that acting all nice an happy around her was sending the wrong message, that I accept all this crap. Well that attitude has changed. I don't really talk about anything with my kids right now with respect to my R/M. When they want to talk, I let them. I have text her regarding her part of the car ins payment she owes this week. she responded that she may not have it. If not, I seperate the policy on Friday so she will get her own bill. she is trying to connect with the kids, but is not having much success, they don't know her, that is what they say. Also, sunday, over at her friends where she took my daughter, she was complaining about her mother, complaining about all kinds of things, but my D said I never came up in the conversation. D says she was texting the OM while at her friends house. My D was a little ticked off that she was there, listening toher complain, watching her interupt conversations to text and reply to OM and hardly acknowledged my D the whole time. that is why she text me to pick her up.

The online dating thing to me is hysterical. I think its funny that my D's would do that. Country line dancing last night was fun. Not the type of crowd i would typically hang with, but I had a really good time and I will keep going.

I think this harder attitude has her confused. Started it the night of my D birthday and continued again on Sunday when she saw me. This is all she will see from me for now. More of the same. Unless I see this moving things away, I will keep up the attitude I have adopted. definitely feeling trying to be nice to her and be pleasant and smiles around her at this point is a waste. I know the book says to be pleasant because OM is being nice to her and giving her emotional support and whatever. But I am giving her reality. tough Love is what I keep hearing. I'll be honest it does help me emotionally to be this way towards her right now.

In case you're wondering. I did get several hits from women wanting to meet me from my Ds interactions with online dating. nice to feel wanted by the opposite sex.

Hi--Mr. Thrill... Thanks for the insight in your post to LonelyD. It is wonderful to hear that others are able to GAL and enjoy life. Very inspirational to me and to others.

Glad you are having fun. Life is too short to not have fun and to create so much drama. thanks for the reality dose!

karlah

Karlah - When my ExW and I first separated I was so devastated that I couldn't even imagine having a relationship with another woman. The thought of it made me so incredibly sad and depressed. I took my wedding vows to heart and enjoyed being married. Loved it and loved her with all my heart.

I did everything I could to salvage our marriage. I made every effort. I didn't date while she ran around with the OM. I stayed true to my vows until the divorce was legally final. I was truly a one woman kind of man.

However there comes a time when you realize that you are living your life for something that is dead. These situations drain everything good from your soul. They exhaust you. What my W did to me was cruel,but most of all it was unnecessary.

Once you get over the shock and start healing from the pain you begin to believe in yourself. After that, others believe in you.

The woman I'm dating is ten years my senior and she is a mature, fun and intelligent woman. Instantly we could talk about anything. Marriage, sex, relationships, work, children. No drama, no agendas just honest no pressure nurturing communication. What a breath of fresh air. It helped that I'm great friends with her sister and brother in law, so I was "vetted" before hand :-)

There are alot of frogs out there but there is a big world of very good people also. Some right under your nose. I would have never guessed. Dating has so many benefits. I feel alive, more relaxed and at peace. Those qualities make a person more attractive and suddenly the world opens up. I smile more. I'm happier. I'm enjoying myself and everyone can tell...even strangers.

Life is way too short to be anxious,sad,preoccupied,worried and depressed. Relationships are supposed to enrich your life not freakin' kill you.

I had been dying slowly. This came out of the blue and breathed air into me. Walking hand in hand, giggling, laughing and holding eachother is mmmm good. To be go out to a restaurant and have someone watch your every move in a kind nurturing way and respond to you instead of feeling that funky stressful undercurrent is like a psychological xanax. It is very healing.

To be able to reciprocate makes a man feel like a man. This woman makes me feel like a man. As many differences as there are between women and men, a great many needs are strikingly similiar.

I hope to get that back with my W, but for now I am moving forward. I think its great that you have this going on for you. you deserve it. I hope that if things completely end for me, I will find the happiness you have now. for now I wait and ride the storm.

LD - You love your W and I truly understand that. Boy do I understand that.

It would appear that your W has a long ways to go in this. At some point she has to have some degree of clarity in her thinking in order for this to have any chance of resolution. How long that takes is anyones guess. Are you willing to continue like this for 2-5 years? Most LBSs are not. Lets face it, you'll love her 5 years from now but what you had, you will never have again. If you achieve resolution what you will have will be very different. She will be different. You will be different. Your relationship will be different. That can be good or bad. There are no crystal balls here.

I would take a firm line on this. DBing is good for you. I'm not terribly convinced it will have any bearing on her if she is in MLC. Pre crisis or mid life transition yes but MLC.....a big maybe.

At some point you're gonna get real tired of this and justifiably so. You have alot of choices to make. Put hope and emotion on a shelf for just a minute and look at this objectively.

My situation was starkly different from yours in that my ExW made alot of the decisions by filing for the D and while she did disappear for weeks at a time, seemingly halting the process she ultimately pushed it through. I got alot of conflicting signals in that she drank herself to sleep at night,seemed confused, depressed and it was like she didn't want the D but realized she had dug herself a huge hole. The OM also I believe was pressing the issue because he is a financial retard and wanted to get into our life savings. Hell my W cleaned out her share before the ink was dry. Yet when I saw her she looked like a rag doll and hugged me crying. Yet through all of this she is the one who filed and pushed the D through, not me.

So it was easier for me. You my friend have to make some tough decisions. Whatever you decide though, we're with you. If I seem to have an edge it is because I'm in your corner and want you to come out whole no matter what happens.

Thanks again for your support. I know what is in front of me and yes, she has some ways to go. I have researched this to death and back. I have spoken with a few people I know that have gone through it and survived. All told me it was worth it in the end, things are better, but again, no guarantees. I am posturing myself for life without her. Have looked across the street a couple of times myself, but realisticaly I am too busy at this point.

Yes things willdefinitely be different, good or bad, but I believe I am now a better and stronger person. It will be 3 months this coming sunday. A milestone I am not happy about. I have my plan in place, my strategy if you will. I have a hard line to follow, but I will avoid her roller coastr ride. I am sure she is going through all the pain and anguish I am hearing that she is going through. she is in a fog, of that I have no doubt. Db'ng is good for me. She will hit bottom as I have been told over and over again. Unfortunately I have been keeping her afloat, but that has now ended. Her real crisis is coming, I know it, we all know it, she has no clue. I am still in pain, love her with all my being, but I will not be anyone's doormat. She will face her consequences, and she will see the severity of what she has done. I have been told on another website, that tough love is all I can do. As you all of indicated here, until she sees, really sees, what is going on, nothing is going to help our relationship. I don't listen to other people, but I am watching. I see small things, the baby steps. I don't ask opinions, I don't raise my hopes. When the signs are there, I write them down, I do the things in my jhournal that need to be done. I have my hope and my faith in what I believe. I can't be what I'm not, and I won't discard my hope because of the pain I am in now. If I do, then she was right, we have grown apart and it will never come back. I have not grown away from her, and funny as it sounds. I do love her more. Dropping the rope is hard, its only been a week, but it still hurts. They say if you love them let them go, if they love you they will come back. Will I wait 2-5 years for her, I tend to doubt it, but I didn't think I'd last 3 months without taking the pipe.

I am numb to her actions and comments, I hate being that way. But just like dealing with the terrbile two's and adolescence, if I don't step back and let her make a mistake, she won't realize it is wrong. remeber, I mentioned on here that she has told everyone she is the same person. She believes everything she tells herself to justify her actions, why would she do that if she believed she was right to go. This struggle inside of her is getting harder for her to fight.

Her happiness and her happy outward appearance is getting harder for her to promote. Her life is what it is, mine is very hard right now. I find each day a struggle, but find happiness in some part of it. I look for thngs in people and situations now that I never looked at before.

I am the prize, I keep telling myself, if and when she comes back, she is not the prize, I am. I seriously blieve that if she came back right now to me, it would not be good. I need a little more time, I have one or two more things I need fixedwith me and my situation. Once I hit those, I will be good. I can forgive all that has happened. Iwll most likely choose not to look back, but to see what lies ahead. I will not forget, lest I wander down the same path again. I am me, I am happy with me, and I will be damned if I will ever go back to what I had become. Thanks man, I really hate pouring out to you. But like I said, we seem to click, you know what I am feeling and I know what you are feeling. Keep checking on me.

Oh and in case I didn't make this clear...I am pro marriage all the way. I think it is a wonderful,beautiful and socially/culturally important institution. I cringe when people I know go through divorce.

Had a friend of mine come to me and tell me that his W of 37 years had filed for divorce. Turns out he was having an affair with a woman 27 years his junior. I know the woman. She is gorgeous. All this guy could do was rave about the sex like alittle boy who got it for the first time. He is an educated doctor for crying out loud and I listened to his drivel for awhile before I chewed his arse up one side and down the other.

Afterwards I asked him him how he might feel if he had been that betrayed and if he had even stopped for second to contemplate the hurt and pain he was causing....all I got was a stupid look.

I told him to really think about what he was destroying, what he was losing (37 yrs and all that goes with that). I told him there was no way in hell he could ever duplicate or find what he was throwing away.

Then I looked up on his wall and saw a picture of his W and kids. I commented how beautiful his W and family were and told him she deserved better and would no doubt find it. I left him in a state of shock. What a putz! If a man is bored with a woman because she shows some age and has the body of a more mature woman after having several kids.....it is because he is boring.