Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy trying to be patient and strong 6

Not your fault! You did your best and that's what counts. You know I say that apparently all the time b/c now my D8 is saying it too, but it's true! Next time I'll spread the word too, I don't think you ever got hired for that you know?

I'm in exactly the same boat, Karen. I've kept the "dirty little secret" for so long that I feel horrible about bringing everything out into the open. Even with all of the anger and hurt that we've had to take from them for so long, we still feel uncomfortable hurting them.. go figure...

In my case, it's partly fear of the unkown.. How is he going to react when he reads everything that is written about him??? How much worse can thsi possible get???!

Its hard to imagine how you guys could be concerned with how the H is going to look or that he is going to be upset. Because you are telling the truth about them? Ya'll shouldn't give a rats ass.

Don't be afraid of him, karen. Same to you, LO. Ya'll have put up with way too much crap from them to even care how they are going to feel about it.

Hope you feel better, karen. Give your body a rest. No work out. Maybe that will help your body recover a little faster.

For me it is a bit of fear. You know how he acts when I'm nice, so if I'm not being nice, then how will he act? Good thing I'm taking the TKD. And you know lately I've been feeling like H is a little bit nutty and unstable; I think if I was dealing with somebody more together it would be less nerve-wracking. But I just have to do what is right and can't shield H in this process. I've decided if he complains about me doing this, which don't'cha think he will???? I'm going to agree with him that D is a negative and destructive process and I wasn't the one that started it (though I probably should have)! And then try to get away from H as soon as I say that. I've decided if he trys anything I'm going to call the cops too. Karen

Karen

Oh, forgot to post also I still have laryngitis-not much of a voice at all today so I called and left a voice mail 1st thing this am asking if I could reschedule later in the week-and when I called back later to check in the secretary told me she wants me to come in next week!!! I guess I really didn't sound good! So putting off the hatchet work until next Tuesday. Karen

Maybe you should do it when you don't feel good. So you can be extra grouchy.

Do believe that he could get physical, karen? That WOULD worry me.

No, I'm not worried. I'm going to be a yellow belt next week! Just he's weird lately and I'm a wimp who hates being yelled at, you know. Or I used to be. I am resolved to be strong from now on. Karen

Hey Karen, thanks for checking in on me. I want to share something with you that has helped me alot. As you know, I was diagnosed with cancer back in May, two days before the bomb dropped. I have run the gamit of emotions, just like everyone else here. I have been my STBXH punching bag (after all, I was too sick to love). I then decided that I had to read everything I could get my hands on. I want to share something with you that I think is relavent to what you are feeling about making your H mad. At this point, protecting him is not really protecting him. It is allowing him to walk on you like a doormat. You are laying down for him (and honey, you KNOW I love and respect you dearly. I am NOT saying this to hurt you, just my 2x4). He has made his path and you need to establish boundaries for your own happiness. Here is what I posted to Ready2Change concerning what I learned about boundaries:

Establishing boundaries has been the best thing for me. It gave me some control over what I would allow and what I would not allow. I read a book called "The Secret Laws of Attraction." Here is what the author said about boundaries:


Boundaries are not about controlling others. People will do what they want. Boundaries are about protecting yourself from others. When you inform people, you are simply teaching them how to treat you.....If you dont have sufficient boundaries, you'll get burned and will eventually put up walls to protect yourself. These walls are what keep people out. Boundaries enable us to really open up and be intimate because we feel safe. The bigger your boundaries, the safer and more relaxed you'll feel and the easier it will be to connect with other people.



Setting boundaries is a stretch but well worth the effort becaue of the rich reward: people will respect you. We respect people who have boundaries and we dont respect those who dont. Indeed, we are often tempted to abuse those without boundaries. Perhaps it is part of the survival of the fittest concept - animals casting out the weak and sick so the stronger members can thrive. Like animals, we too can sense boundaries immediately. This is good news. Often, the moment you instill a new boundary, such as "People cant critisize me" you'll either be tested right away or no one will critisize you. People instinctively sense your new boundaries and dont go there. Its a powerful new aura you are projecting.

Strong boundaries enable us to become less needy. We are naturally attracted to the people we like and respect - the people who have a sence of dignity and self respect. When you have boundaries, it is easier to attract the right man or woman in your life. And, without them it is impossible to maintain a healthy realtionship.

Hope that puts in into perspective that it is ok to call your STBXH out on his behavior. He will get angry at first but that is because he does not how to handle consiquenses. You are drawing a line in the sand for you AND your children. In time, he will respect that and things will get better.

Wow Brokenhearted, I'm going to print that and refer to it often. I'm terrible at boundaries and that made a lot of sense.

Karen, while I am totally with the "why do you care if you make him mad?" crowd. I also understand the not wanting to make him mad or rock the boat. Peace at any price is a tough way to live. Sometimes its just easier to let it go than deal with the BS involved with calling a spade a spade, but on this one you have to do it. This is about the kids and if you won't stand up for them, who will?

I asked H tonight if he wanted to go to DDs parent teacher conference and he hemmed and hawed and made excuses up. Then I reminded him that he hadn't met her and he told that he had at Back to School Night. I had to remind him that he didn't bother with back to school night and has never met her teacher. So then he gets mad and says,"no, I don't want to go, alright?" It was like pulling frickin' teeth just to get him to come clean. The saddest part of all is he used to REALLY be into their school work and their education and now he just blows it off...stupid.

I guess the point of my long winded story it to point out that when it comes time to zap them, (preferably with a cattle prod) your best bet is to make sure it stings, that way you get their attention.

If he gets mad...he gets mad. Hes got the same shoes to get glad in. Welcome to the consequences of your actions, I am your host: Karen's L. How else is he going to learn? Even if they don't get better, you will feel more empowered within the R for the future.

Nice post, BH.

Well said, suga.

Don't be afraid, karen. You have a lot of support.

And you could always put an RO on his butt.