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Thanks OD...

I was just about to go to bed, was sitting upstairs, and H walked in...ugh.

He said hi, and then used a nickname, and came upstairs and was joking around. Then he said "wow I've been here 5 minutes aren't you going to argue with me and lay into me?" I said, "things do change. I have no desire to argue with you." He said, "but you're a woman..."

Anyway, now we are both upstairs and watching Scrubs. We've been chatting about books etc., and he mentioned when "I'm here tomorrow I should cook the fish". I just nodded. I am not telling him I won't be here, maybe not even until tomorrow night, will just act like it was a spontaneous decision. This is SOOOO weird.

Actions say he likes me here. His words say he wants the marriage to end. My email was pushy, long, and dreadful, and I know he hasn't seen it yet. Yuck. Anyway, at least I won't see him tomorrow night. I wish I could take back the email, but if I were to reply now again, it would look even worse than it already does. I wish I had his password to his account now so I could delete the email...and he's just asked what I'm doing now. Just told him I was reading email. Confusion galore.

OD I will reread the MLC stages. I had thought maybe if this was his issue, he was toward the end :(.

ITH

Hi Ali,

Thanks for this. I think our posts just crossed paths. I really think that this is just him and his own life changes. He was basically suicidal 3 months ago, and he is now blaming this on the M and me.

I went through a long conversation with him last night where I asked him was there anyone who made him feel the way I didn't, and he said no. Sure, he could be lying, and I actually have done as much snooping as possible, but I really don't think there is anything beyond liking the feeling of being single and getting attention. The 25 year old I mentioned was a "buddy" on some couch-surfing website, but he knew her through another friend, so I really think it is just a matter of liking the attention.

Yeah I have no desire to bring up this thing any time. If it were up to me, we'd leave it for a month. I will not be staying at home tomorrow night, by my choice, so this should help matters.

Thanks for your support Ali. Crossing my fingers...

ITH

Is your husband having severe depression? Is he getting treatment for this? I think hard part is that whatever problems he is blaming on you and the marriage are 'real' to him- even if they don't appear to be that way to you. His perception of reality is warped right now.

I do agree with the others that it isn't over yet! Haven't you heard this talk before? I have- and I am still married (uh um- well legally). He is really pushing you right now.

Call and schedule a councelling session with Jody now! Or if you can't get one with her can you talk to someone? I think you could benefit from some professional DB around now. I know I always have a much better perspective after a session.

Take care of yourself. Stay away from you H and contact for a day or so. You both need it! Dont' let the negativity go any further.

God thats soooo wierd!??? He walks in and says, what, no argument and then watches scrubs with you... and then says he thinks he will cook you fish tommorow nigth!?? Your H is seriously confused. He is giving you extreme mixed messages, or maybe it is his way of being 'nice' and smoothing the transiition from M to not M. I dont know ITH, its a very confusing picture.

Well done for asking/snooping.. I know its frowned upon here, but I thikn in the early days its good to be armed with the knowledge of what you are dealing with. I agree, read MLC stuff and talk with Jody again. There is alot to tell her !!! Like i said though, my ex was adamant there was noone else, and all year, and even after all that daily contact HE was initiating, but as soon as the ow was available (I assume) he went out with her and dropped me. I dont mean to bring my sitch in here, its just mine didnt add up either and everyone else, without exception was NOT surprised when it turned out to be an ow. I hope that isnt the case for you, as that would complicate things further.

Maybe you should let him know tommoorw that you are not coming home (instead of not turning up, which mught be seen as a bit passive aggressive? What does anyone else think?) Maybe a short message at the end of the day, saying you respect he wanted some space, so you are going to x house until x day?

Ali xxx

If I am correct you said Jody is on vacation until the 23rd? Only another day away...def call her and let her give advice about this.

The thing that I do notice that is so weird is that he never seems to have these talks to you face to face it's usually over email/IM and then he is completly different when he is in front of you. Even last night he had to have a few drinks before saying anything and he started the convo in the dark facing the other direction.

I do think that is best that you go to your friends house and don't let him know until the last minute. Let him wonder what you are doing and don't be so available!!

If he is not going to file the papers and you aren't either then there is still definatly time to work on things. You never know chickie this could turn around and we are all here rooting for you!!

P.S. I just got the book!!!!!

Hi Sep, Ali, and Opt,

Opt--I'd never had this talk before. That's why I am taking it so seriously. All along he gave hope, even if very faint. H DID have severe depression, and he says he's not depressed now, only unhappy because he's in a bad marriage. He has been seeing a psychotherapist, but he hasn't talked to me about this recently.

Ali--yes, seriously mixed messages. I don't think he is aware of the fact that his actions mean more than, and contradict, his words. I will not be telling him this though.

Sep--Yes I'm going to just go for 1 night, so I don't have to lug around a bunch of stuff, and will send a quick email just as I leave the office. If we can avoid any big talks in the near future, I think I will just keep him on his toes by coming and going every now and then, without advance notice.

All--last night after I posted this, I was still upstairs on my laptop, and he called out "come on, let's go to bed." Weird that he showed that level of interest in me. So I said I'd be there soon, but then I heard him get on his computer. Pretty sure he read the email I sent. It was pretty long, a bit harsh, and so anti-DB. When I got in the room he was all quiet and weird. So I just turned away from him to go to sleep. He woke up during the night, well early morning, like 5 AM, and started poking at me. Once he grabbed my arm, then pushed it away as if I had been trying to grab him. He did this again. Then he ran his hand on my stomach and said I was too skinny like a war victim. He made jokes about how thin I was and how I have this pair of pants that I used to fill out but that now were baggy on me. He grabbed my nose, held my ear, etc. Then he said "you make me mad." This is something he'd say in the past, but not about things that actually made him mad, just about silly things. I said "oh I guess I have a lot of power then." Then I just said "good night", and turned over.

Now I am up. It's 9 AM and he's still in bed. I am going to leave to go to the office soon, and hope to avoid any conversations in the meantime. Let's see if he respects my no email, no IM wishes.

Thing is that I KNOW if we can ride this out and actually be around each other, there is a very good chance that he will come around as we really do enjoy each other's company and get along really well. Feeling pretty weird about that email I sent last night. It could be really good or really bad. I laid into him pretty harshly. It was not one where I tried to spare his feelings.

Ugh he's up now. He just asked me if I was going to work today, we talked about me going to the doctor, then he asked if I fed the dogs. He called me "bad dog mom" a few times since I hadn't fed them.

ITH

And just one more update on the state of things in the ITH household...

Took a shower. H said he needed to come in the bathroom for something, and threw water on me while I was in the shower. I was then in the bedroom getting dressed at the same time he was getting ready. As he left for work, he walked over to me, and gave me a hug and a kiss (on the lips) goodbye.

Now I am wondering whether I should actually go to my friend's house tonight or not. I wonder if doing something like that will push the issue, when being here seems to be at least temporarily comfortable for both of us. Any thoughts on this? I am not sure whether going there will earn me goodwill, or whether it will make him think again about how he needs me out of the house.

ITH

Definetly definely go to your friends house. Make him miss you, make him take responsibility for the things he said. Dont even think about going back into his headf*ck routing tonight.

There is something really wierd going on here, I know you say your 'pet' names are how you've always been, but this sounded really odd and kind of vaguely abusive to me...that he woke you up at 5 am and then started saying this stuff to you !?? In the middle of the night? And quite extreme things too.


"He woke up during the night, like 5 AM, and started poking at me. Once he grabbed my arm, then pushed it away as if I had been trying to grab him. He did this again. Then he ran his hand on my stomach and said I was too skinny like a war victim. He made jokes about how thin I was and how I have this pair of pants that I used to fill out but that now were baggy on me. He grabbed my nose, held my ear, etc. Then he said "you make me mad."...then he asked if I fed the dogs. He called me "bad dog mom". H said he needed to come in the bathroom for something, and threw water on me while I was in the shower."

Now, ITH, I am no pyschologist, but there is something really wierd going on here, in how he interacts with you (aside from the DBing/separation stuff he's been saying). I dont know what it is, but I get a really uncomfortable feeling reading it. I thikn he may be screwed up in some way, is all I can come up with.

I think theres some major projection going on and these are what I call 'leakers' - my ex did it (in body language, certain remarks about OTHER people).. its like stuff leaking out of their subconcious that they are totally not owning in themselves or up to with you. Can you see that?

Hi Ali,

My worry about being gone for the night is that he will use it against me later, and say "I was so much happier without you there", or something like that. I will probably stay away tonight though. In fact I may just originally say I am going to dinner, then call him late, like around 10, and say that as it got so late, I decided to stay the night with my friend or something.

I DEFINITELY think he's projecting. He completely blames everything on the marriage, because he is not feeling so depressed anymore, that he thinks the only thing left that he's unhappy about is this.

In terms of him grabbing my nose and ear, he has always done this affectionately, and that's how it was last night as well. The arm thing was weird, and I think maybe he wanted to be affectionate, but stopped himself. I think the so skinny thing is probably out of guilt because he knows this situation is having an impact on my health.

The kiss and hug goodbye thing was odd. I haven't had a hug from him in ages. I made no move toward him, and this was completely initiated by him. His actions and words conflict SO much. What I really wish is that he would jut not talk about things for 1 week. That would be so very nice...

Just saw him on IM and let him know that I had mildly high blood pressure, found out at the doctor. He said that we are going through a rough time and need to care for my health. SO annoyed, so I just said it has been high before. He went on again, and I just changed the subject and said I needed to go. I am sick of his guilt and droning on about what a hard time I am going through.

OK...off to the office now to try and do half a day of work anyway!

ITH

OK...

So I got to work, and H asked how I was on IM. He then said that there was no way he was going to talk about our sitch on IM, but could he have 3 days to himself. He was feeling panicky. He said he is trying to incorporate me, and that he likes talking to me...so of course in a way this was talking about the sitch, but I didn't let it get too far, and said "I understand", "don't worry", "of course you can have 3 days".

Then he talked about doing another week after these 3 days. I said that I didn't mind the 3 day/4 day split. Maybe this way I can just keep going that way for awhile.

Then surprise of surprises, he said he wanted to spend the weekend together, and maybe drive to Galway...

I am floored, but need to remember that this is probably still a trial in his mind. I think the best way to try and make the living sitch work is to keep doing days on and days off. I feel that this might help matters. I offered to stay in the spare room too, but he said that didn't matter.

Now I actually think that my very harsh and somewhat pushy email got through to him...in any case it is the only thing that has changed between yesterday when he sent his email, and today. Maybe he actually needed to hear a bit of anger from me, instead of sadness. This email was 100% genuine and from the heart, and maybe this is why it meant more than my other DB-safe emails. One of my lines was "I believe feelings are a choice, and we're not victims of them." I know, loads of 2X4s, but I am relieved that we will be doing something together this weekend.

Wow, still feeling floored...

ITH