Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy I need help with this!

Sandi!

Thank you again for your insights. I misunderstood the "drop the rope" term. I meant that I am detaching and no longer pursuing, or trying to pull him in. I am certainly not at the place of letting go, and I am glad you pointed that out. We also went through the "rewriting history" phase when this all began a year ago, and I was waist-deep in the begging, pleading, and lecturing stage. That stunk. I'm happy to be past that. He is being totally secretive about his contact with OW, so he doesn't talk about comparisons to me at all.

I thought tonight was positive. He called me at work this afternoon and announced that I was "the proud owner of a new Iphone", that he was having programmed at that moment. He has one and loves it (a little addicted to it, if you ask me). He said we have a family plan, sharing minutes btw the two of us (we had been on separate plans until this) and whenever he and I talk the minutes are free. I was surprised that he picked a shared plan, and that he pointed out how our conversations wouldn't eat at our minutes. Will we be talking a lot? I hope so!

So we were able to sit together and program the phone for a while tonight after the kids were in bed and that was fun. I took Sandi's suggestion and decided to focus our discussion things going on for him at work, school, etc. His affect completely changed. It was like he couldn't get excited about anything in his world, and he kept trying to steer the discussion back to my phone and my work day.

Sandi, I am going to heed your advice to Hope as well. I will not let the OW bring out the worst in me. I know I can outshine her, and I am thinking about starting a journal to focus my goals a bit. Between the three kids and work, my brain is mush! Any good idea I have is lost 2 minutes later, LOL!

Thank you so much for spending your valuable time with us, Sandi! You are an angel!

Sandi and faith, go to T2L post 2, really messed up tonight. Too long to post here. I did confrontation and went a little crazy. I might have totally lost H over this. My D15 hates him and wants no contact. I basically went over the edge.
Have to see what tomorrow brings. All of this confrontation is out of my system so now I will be totally detached.
Anger/jealousy is a horrible thing.

(((((Hope))))),

You are only human. How much of the lies and BS are you supposed to take before you break? You did not make a mistake or let any of us down, not by a long shot. H's lies are what drove you to that point. I agree with T2L, if you want to go back to where you were yesterday, apologize for your actions to your H and then go dark for a little while to heal. That one apology would still be more than H has offered you!

As for D15, she has a right to be mad, too. I'm glad that H has a better picture of this path of destruction he has created. Maybe this will shake him out of the fog a little.

Either way, what's done is done. You got past that awful bomb stage, and you will get past this stage, too. Time will pass and you will heal from this. You were in an extremely difficult situation last night. Give yourself a break and concentrate on doing good things for yourself and your daughter.

Keep me updated.

Hi Faith, well if you continue to read stich today, I confronted OW on the phone, it is lengthy. I did leave a msg for H saying I called OW and finally expressed to her what this A has done to our family. I did not apologize. I go dark now and D15 will have NC with him.
2 things can happen
This will bring them closer
This will break them apart.
I hope it is the later.

How is everything going with you? I think your H's dedication to the kids will help to bring him around eventually. I agree the OW might be a mother image of some sort to him. One day at a time.
I need a nap!

Hope, I read about your phone conversation and I am so proud of you! You stayed confident and calm. You must be beat! I know that I get so tired after having all this emotional stress.

My feeling is this will not tend to bring them closer. I think they have to feel like they've been shaken a bit to someone saying "what's wrong with you?" Maybe that will wake up one or both of them! It is so nice that you can take walks on the beach. Serenity time is priceless! I have to settle for turning the music off in my car after I drop the kids off and try to think peaceful thoughts and pray on my way in to work.

On my end, H called at the end of his work day yesterday to ask if it was ok for him to go out with some of his friends from work. I said sure. In the back of my mind I wondered if this would be a meeting with OW or are they still just chatting? I prayed a ton on my way to pick up the kids and actually felt blessed by all the friendships I have developed during this process and by the deepening of my relationship with God. I felt relaxed. I can honestly say I didn't spend the evening wondering if he was back at his room yet or what he was doing. That was good for me.

This morning he came over, didn't have to work so he is spending the day with the boys. He wanted to make sure my phone was working well, so he started to fix it. Showed me his phone and how his email works. I was surprised b/c he could have gotten emails at any time and didn't seem concerned about me seeing his inbox. He then started to talk about his evening, I didn't ask. He said it was fun, hung out for about an hour, and got back in time to watch some tv. He talked about the shows he watched (stuff we watch together) and how funny they were. I just agreed and moved on. So, to believe his account of his evenings or not. That's the question. He wanted me to know he was back early, but why? I acted like it was no big deal.

Maybe you'll agree with this Hope, I feel like I need a detachment refresher, esp before the weekend! Giving me the phone and working so hard to get it set up confused me a ton. I know I need to pull back and I feel like I need to read up on detachment and distancing all over again. Hopefully I'll get the chance today so I don't do anything stupid.

Hope, I am really proud of you. I am praying that you feel your own strength today and appreciate your conviction, loyalty to your family, and how hard you are working to restore your family. Good for you.

{{{morning faith}}}
I see that T2L thread is locked, need for the next one to be set up.
It looks like you are doing good. Detaching is very tough.
Right now I have no choice because I do not think H will call D15 and that would be my only point of contact with him except at work which I am trying to avoid him totally.
I know my H has a secret phone that I saw once. Even if your H met with the OW it does not seem on a regular basis. I know my H for the past week or so has been seeing the OW everynight.

Have you read surviving an affair --get it. It looks like you are filling the "love bank" right now. Book will go into more detail.

I almost dread the weekends because they are so lonely. My family/friends are almost 2000 miles away. I can't talk to anyone at work since we share the same friends. I have a few casual friends outside of work but not someone that I can just show up at their house for a cup of coffee type thing.

Most of my GAL are solitary -- walks on the beach and going to the gym. I am not interested in going with friends to the bars or having them trying to have me meet someone. I know in time I will find more things to do but what I am doing now is healthy and helping me to lose weight which is something I really needed to do so in one sense H did me a favor, since I have goals with that now and I am achieving them. H has noticed and mentions it everytime I see him. Him on the other hand looks like h3ll, bloated - not exercising, drinking like a fish. That is why I call him an alien. Pretty sad.

faith!

Thanks for checking in on my thread! Thought I would come over here and check out your sitch!

Sounds like you and H are acting like best friends. Sounds kind of like my sitch, only you have more contact more often than I do. I know how you must feel, like everything is going so great, so why isn't this working?

I think you are doing great with the detaching! Keep up the good work! I will keep checking in on you!