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Cagz,

You are amazing....

Trusting you are too kind. I do so many things that aren't good for me. I guess at some point i will get tired of seeking that which I can not find....I wonder but I do believe it.

Hoping my life will continue to grow whether or not I want it to..ha!

It will continue to get better and better.
You will get stronger and stronger.
You will find yourself in the driver's seat.
Your ex will find himself on a very slippery slope.
We are here for each other...

i wonder somtimes lately about this me. the person aht is alive again. it is almost scarey.

why? i dont know -was thinking about x and his baggage and his financial woes taht he is not facing (because you CAN run...his favorite line during this was you can squeeze blood out of a turnip) and I know that is his philosophy with his bills...he pays what he has to pay..things that are connected DIRECTLY to him (rent/utilities/phone and of course cable...) anything else comes 2nd and of course I am on thte 2nd lsit.

anyway-- i am thankful that i dont have to deal with his irrsponsiblility financially anymore. would I HECK YES!! AND I would do it with a smile and grace. BUT we aern't married-so I dont ahve to. (Sure hope this makes sense). it is just one of those weird "Blessings in the struggle" that I am feeling. I am responsible for me and my kids... and i like knowing that my Provider keeps coming through.

i stopped home for lunch today to grab a soda...while i was walking up to my apt. (lost my home a year ago) i was htinking about the actual COST of this stupid divorce. 2 households..2 rents 2 utilities AND he has to (or is suppose to) pay childsupport and/or alimony. it is ridiculous adn really sad....but it is what it is.

i am glad we all have each other.

So coming ovver here cause I was hijacking Trustings thread.

Asked C today why people (of coruse x but people) dont GET HELP. I said..its like i want to look at x and say "dude..yeah its goign to hurt for like 4 weeks..but then you will take this cool turn and it will start working for you..but you gotta go man..." It is like taking that stupid gross medicine when you are a kid-- or giving your kid that pink eye medicine. IT DOES HURT BAD!! BUT if you dont' take it the infection stays and will get worse!! AND THEN you are even a bigger mess than when it started..... MAN I wish people (not just x) but people could see how things can help them...

Like what is going on with me. BUT IT IS VERY foreign to me.

Wierd.

This is from http://www.divorcerecovery.com A newsletter dealy I get every day. We wonder how long to stand or if we should stand etc. Our friends and family are attached to us in different ways and only see from the outside. BUT GOD He knows our hearts are our spouses or xspouses...

This is really good and spoke to me. I hope it helps you guys.

"What If Your Spouse Is Not Willing to Reconcile?
Day 334

If your spouse does not want to reconcile with you, how long should you wait for a change of heart?

"How long to wait is one of the most difficult questions I'm asked in divorce recovery," says Laura Petherbridge. "Each person's situation is unique, and there is no formula. You must stay close to God and make sure you are not in a state of denial.

"In my own situation, I prayed that God would reveal to me whether to wait or move on. God provided a situation where I could comprehend my ex-husband's true desires in a powerful way that couldn't be denied.

"I knew God was saying, 'Laura, it's okay. He has left. He doesn't want the marriage anymore. You can move on.'"

Seek to reconcile your relationship with God first. If you surrender your life to Jesus and commit yourself to learning more about Him and living for Him, you will be able to hear what He is saying to You. Seek God first in all situations, and learn to listen. God knows what is in your former spouse's heart, and His Spirit will guide you to make the right decision about when to wait and when to move on.

"By him [Jesus,] God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of his blood on the cross" (Colossians 1:20 NLT)."

Awkard moment.

XH had the day with d12. I had mentioned when he picked her up that i had plans at around 4 so if he wanted to spend more time with her it was totally fine... so they did fun stuff and went to a movie.

He text me to tell me they were goign and that he woudl have her home around 7. Well they got home a few minutes early...so d12 calls and is like uh mom.. and I said "dont you have a key?" She said..no I forgot it.. So I said I will be home in a minute--we are on our way..

Got home and friend dropped me off. Friend is really just that a friend.. but the friend is a man. XH doesn't know anything about friend... I dont think XH even really knew I had male friends...so friend drops me off - i walk up into the breeze way and we all talk for a little while. (d12 and me and xh).

I was calm and cool. But it was awkard. Now i sit and wonder...hmm what does xh think..if anything.

I am learning more and more every day.

Seeing x for who he is. And as I have said so many times who he is has had no "shock" factor. I am surprised that he has avoided being alone - adn that people continually rally around him. BUT all in all I am not surprised.

I went through about a weeks time where i woke up in hte night many times with xh, my son and my daughter on my mind. Same time every night....i did as i know to do..I prayed for tehm all. Something must be going on in the "spiritual" relm or I don't believe I would ahve been awoken.

I believe that this stupid MLC is real..and I believe it is Satans play ground.

I also beleive that God does want our marriages reconciled. I have no doubt on that... specially after a few things that have happened this week. BUT more than that I also believe that my dreams have to be NOT FOCUSED on my xh..but on Him. And I als believe that we shoudl not fixate on them -- that is part of getting a life...and I am trying.

I have read on these boards that sometimes we are still in love with our x's but we are able to put our love on a shelf while they go through what they ahve to go through. I believe that is where I am. Man oh man does that make teh journey easier. HOWEVER --- the spin cycle for my brain and my heart are always close by.

Thanks for listening..sorry to ramble.

Cagz,
My H is still living at home, but at this point, a year post-bomb, he has hurt me enough (and still does, as there is no end in sight to his A and cool treatment of me) that I have put my former *feelings* of love in storage. They are banned from expression and are therefore of no use right now anyway. My love for him is of the agape variety--action, not feelings. I agree--this is a *much* easier way to live given his ongoing appalling behavior. If it weren't for AD's, I'd probably still be a complete mess--or dead. The meds help insulate me from the feelings, which would bring nothing but pain right now.

Well, I didn't mean to make this all about me. I think you can take those feelings out and dust them off if you need them again. Hope you are doing well, Cagz!

Blessings and peace,
Dawn

my heart goes back and forth. Moving forward is nothing liek i thought it was suppose to look like when this all started. i don't know, so wierd i guess....some people just stop and go on and build a new life with a new person...i just don't have it in me... wierd i guess.

cant figure out what it is i am standing for? maybe more than my marriage back it is my sanity??? i dont know. do i really believe that moving forward and gaining my own life could actually bring back my x? i have read stuff lately..something like only 20% of marriages that end in divorce actually end up BACK together. I dont get it..

it is so hard imagining making a new life with a new person. maybe that is good - i dont know.

i read something about hosea the other day - and was thinking last night as i slept about Hannah and Sarah in teh Bible, Abraham, Isaac, Moses - teh stinkin' Israelites...nothing happened fast..it all took so much time for GOD to do what He planned.....and they waited-- and He did what He promised.

What did God promise me? I dont know today. I just dont know............