Sorry, Hoozherwhatchamacallit -- I've been scurrying all weekend and just now catching up on your latest.
Originally Posted By: hoosiermama
Ahhh, today I got the proposal from H's attorney in the mail (sent by my attorney). It's absolutely absurd. It proposes 50/50 custody with no child support, splitting all bills 60/40. He makes more than twice as much as I do; during school vacations I will not get paid at all. So under this plan, I will have ~$225/month discretionary $ after bills; that will include my and D's cell phones, groceries, gas, medication, and everything else. It will leave H ~$3000 discretionary cash/month.
He's dreaming. I'm not familiar with the specific family laws of your state, Hoozh, but there's a couple of things I'm extremely certain of right up front here:
1. His final settlement will be MUCH closer to your initial terms than to his;
2. He's going to be looking at less than 50% custody, and significant child support. Furthermore, that won't be negotiable, but rather will be a mathematical computation that the state comes up with based upon his income, your income, the numberm (one) of children involved, and your daughter's specific needs;
3. The Fantasyland that he's living in -- particularly the FINANCIAL fantasyland -- will be burst very soon, when your lawyer gets a judge to hit your husband with a immediate temporary alimony order.
Hoozh, it's imperative that you treat this now as a business deal. A business deal that -- depending on how you handle it NOW -- will affect your and your daughter's well-being for the next 5-10 years, perhaps even longer. And like any business deal, the side who's more prepared, more "resolute" and has better and wiser counselors (and you have THE Counselor, the Holy Spirit at your table . . . good luck, Hubby) . . . will win.
You will likely not get everything you want, and you most certainly won't get what is "fair." But depending on how you and your lawyer play this, you can get far more than the insult you received over the weekend, and take care of your and your daughter's needs, not to worry.
I implore you to push for the temporarily alimony action, in due haste.
He's living a delusion, and for 5 months it's held up for him. It's about time that bubble pops.
You have to do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and your daughter financially and emotionally.
If that pops his bubble then so be it.
Quite frankly you will be damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Good Luck.
Nutty x
you mean the double-bind with him? I could care less at this point. I will absolutely protect us from this madness. It's time for him to feel some pressure and some difficulty, because it's only been me who's been "inconvenienced" so far.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Thanks for the reassurance, puppy. This was an insult. It's infuriating, on top of everything else that's gone on. I supported this man when he left the monastery and had no job, during 2 years of graduate school and a year of chaplain residency. It's partly because of me that he's able to make the salary he's now making; of course he left just when we started to be comfortable. He's the one who left to chase someone else, while I've stayed at home, found another job, and cared for our daughter while he saw her a few hours a week all summer. It feels like he just wants me to roll over and play dead, but it's really just a continuation of our relationship. We always got along fine as long as I stuffed my feelings and my needs, but when I began to express any needs it got ridiculous. Now I suppose I'm not even supposed to need food. He had the nerve to add in his utilities, rent, and student loan (from undergrad days, long before I knew him!!) into his expenses. And still I'm paying 75% of joint expenses under this agreement!! How absurd.
I have to admit, it hit me on an emotional level when I first read it. I know in my head it's pretty much a game at this point, and that this proposal will never fly. But to show me this kind of disrespect was painful. I got over it fairly quickly, of course, but not before I practically had a panic attack while driving. This kind of thing certainly helps with detachment, tho!
So I'm calling my attorney this afternoon, once things quiet down in my office and I can talk uninterrupted. The gloves are off. My daughter and I will not live hand-to-mouth in order for this bozo to build his new life in affluence and without repercussions for his choices.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Thanks for the reassurance, puppy. This was an insult. It's infuriating, on top of everything else that's gone on. I supported this man when he left the monastery and had no job, during 2 years of graduate school and a year of chaplain residency. It's partly because of me that he's able to make the salary he's now making; of course he left just when we started to be comfortable. He's the one who left to chase someone else, while I've stayed at home, found another job, and cared for our daughter while he saw her a few hours a week all summer. It feels like he just wants me to roll over and play dead, but it's really just a continuation of our relationship. We always got along fine as long as I stuffed my feelings and my needs, but when I began to express any needs it got ridiculous. Now I suppose I'm not even supposed to need food. He had the nerve to add in his utilities, rent, and student loan (from undergrad days, long before I knew him!!) into his expenses. And still I'm paying 75% of joint expenses under this agreement!! How absurd.
Of course it's absurd. And here's the deal: HE may not factor those things in during his current frame of mind, and his FAMILY may not, but family court judges pretty much get PAID to look at PRECISELY those kinds of things. Past support, length of the marriage, current financial needs, whose obligations they are. Sure, they're human, and I suppose biases exist, both pro-mother and pro-father, but I don't think ANY of this is going to go uncounted, and unaddressed.
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I have to admit, it hit me on an emotional level when I first read it. I know in my head it's pretty much a game at this point, and that this proposal will never fly. But to show me this kind of disrespect was painful. I got over it fairly quickly, of course, but not before I practically had a panic attack while driving. This kind of thing certainly helps with detachment, tho!
You said pretty much what I was going to say: it's natural to get upset, but then you just have to give yourself a day or two, and then get over it. When my wife responded to my initial pleadings, she asked for "immediate, temporary and sole occupancy of the marital residence." I had to read it a couple of times before it sunk in what she was asking for: After cheating on ME, and lying to our entire family about it, she was asking the court to make ME leave my own house!!! And our finanical sitch was such that I really would have had nowhere to go, other than to HER parents' house, which would not have even been GOOD for her, if she had thought about it.
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So I'm calling my attorney this afternoon, once things quiet down in my office and I can talk uninterrupted. The gloves are off. My daughter and I will not live hand-to-mouth in order for this bozo to build his new life in affluence and without repercussions for his choices.
I'm glad to hear that. I think we ALL are. And if you ever need reminding of that, we're here to smack ya, Hoozh.
I talked with him about a week ago, the day before this travesty reached his office. He had emailed me about it, said tactfully that he couldn't recommend I accept this offer and told me generalities. But when I read it myself I could see why he laughed it off. He wanted to talk with me when I received it, so this will be the earliest possible time since I got it over the weekend.
Apparently the judge of the court I've been assigned is a single mom. She's widowed, but she should understand from personal experience what this is like.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Apparently the judge of the court I've been assigned is a single mom. She's widowed, but she should understand from personal experience what this is like.
"I just love it when a plan comes together . . . "
I do think the initial stuff like that is not intended to be serious. I'm thinking Ls ask for the moon and then at some point have to come back down to earth and reality and all that and negotiate more seriously. In the intial paperwork from my H's L, he not only said he wanted full custody of the kids (bwa ha ha ha), to pay me a stay-at home mom no child custody or alimony, and I think I was even supposed to pay him child custody! (I don't have a job yet). I have to assume that was a joke and H didn't seriously think that was going to fly???? Karen
