Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy I was unfaithful

Hi Max,

Well let me see if I can respond to a couple or more things you said.



As you already know, this is a big DB no-no and you say that you can't control yourself. But, let me ask you this Max, what if your very life depended on it? I realize that my make-up is probably not the same as yours, but I have a hard time understanding a woman that says she "can't help herself" b/c I think we women can do anything we set our minds to doing! If you want this man badly enough.....you CAN help yourself. You CAN control what you say and do. It is up to you, but you have got to do it or kiss it all good-bye. I want to help you, but you have got to do the work girlfriend b/c nobody else can, but you.

I understand that, but you do not need to be telling him that.....if you are......b/c he does not want to hear that talk and it is pressuring him and pursuing. Don't do it....come here and tell us, but don't say it to him, okay?

This is hard. I don't ever tell anyone to out right lie. If it were me, I think I would apply all the items on my DB list of do's and don'ts and become the greatest thing he ever saw and make him want me so bad he hurt--before I thought about confessing anymore sins. If he was to come right out and ask.....I would have to come clean and tell him. But, I would hope that I would have the time and the discipline to do what I needed to do to draw him back in his heart and want me again before I had to do that. I am not sure to what extent he does not know everything. Did he think it was just an EA? If so, and he is this hurt and angry over an EA, then for him to hear of a PA, you probably need to prepare for the worst......for a while anyway.



If this particular statement should come up again, then tell him your suggestion is to start over with a brand new frame of mind and put the past behind you. If he can forgive you and never bring the subject up again, then you might stand a chance. On the other hand, if you will be bothered about what you have kept from him, I think you should tell him everything before reeling him into a R with you again under the idea that nothing physical happened between you and OM. If you try to build a R upon something that is false, I think it will eventually eat away at you and cause the R to fail. Again, that is for you to decide.



Actually, only one of you really working at it can fix it....and that one is YOU. Unless you are speaking of forgiveness on his part...and that is not work....it is grace.



Well, again this is where you need to consider telling him everything that happened b/c if/when you were to tell him at a later time.....say after the two of you got back together....and then you tell him the rest of the story.....I don't think he will be able to trust you and will always wonder if you are keeping something else from him. All you can do is be honest with him and tell him your feelings. The rest is utimately up to him. He will need a lot of time. You will have to leave him completely alone and not bother him and let him deal with this news. Are you sure he doesn't already know the extent of the affair? I just wondered by him being that angry over the EA. Or, was it the fact that it was the H of a friend? My EA made my H furious but mine was very sexual.....even if it was on line. If yours was like that, then that could be the cause of his anger.



You must stop thinking this way! You cannot "help" him! He is a grown man....not a little boy. Plus, if he has to leave home b/c of the effect your EA has had on him......he is going to suffer a heck of a lot more when he finds out the extent of the affair. Stop trying to protect him and take care of him and helping him. He has to do this himself. He probably will need to seek an IC or a MC by himself first before including you. JMHO.

Please, please stop the chasing, pursuing, clinging and all the rest. Leave him alone. He wants to get away from you or he would not have left home. A pretty good sign, don't you think?

Don't give up. Keep coming back every day. Do a lot of self improvements.

Sandi

Hi Sandi2 - since posting that original script I have been dbing and SPM and ESKY and others gave very good advice and support.

So all truth out now to H. So me , H and OM know truth of A. OMW does not. It has been 4 years. My H says he will one day soon confront both OM and OMW with it.

Devastating consequences for me and family and friends. So who knows whats around the corner.

One of the best pieces of advice i have recieved is " Treat him like you are not married " Works for me in bursts and if i keep focused. That way I treat him like everyone else ie with respect. I am trying to back off helping hid R with kids etc.

I actually feel more in control of my own life as well. But I do still have weak moments and backslide a bit. I also get confused with some situations.

All in all this site has been a life saver i feel.

Are there any success stories on this site about marriages surviving an A when it has been the W who has strayed?

I was the wife that strayed. Go ahead and check out my posts from the beginning. Your situation is a bit different than mine, but you may garner some hope.

Thanks for that . Will do

Max, you wanted to know if there were any success stories where the W had strayed and they ended up together. Well, I will give you the latest link to one of my favorites. It is not the beginning of his thread, but you will get the the idea. They just had a baby, and at first, he wasn't even sure if it was his. His W had had a PA with one man and either an EA or PA with a second man. So, if you can find his story from the beginning, it might be encouraging to you. But here is the link to his latest thread. It is kind of short b/b he has been so busy with the new baby, etc.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1614081

Hey Max, sorry I've been invisible here.
I've been busy with the kids - when I have 'em on the weekends I don't come onto this site at all.
Seems like you are keeping your mind on your own business, which is great.

As for stories that might bring hope to you... there are a few. Seems to me you have asked for this before. But... if you look for stories, here or elsewhere, where infidelity is discovered, there will be many more stories where the marriage does not survive. Sad. Maybe not very encouraging. But also not surprising. It takes a great deal of strength and desire on both sides to rebuild a marriage after a situation like that.

I think you know what it takes - you have seen first-hand how hard it is to do the right thing - back off, get a life, act "as if", act with grace, pick yourself up after you fall, etc. And because it is so hard, not many people can walk that path.

Here's the thing. It doesn't matter what has happened to other marriages. It doesn't matter that so many other spouses have gotten indignant or impatient, or have hardened their hearts, or have gotten discouraged when things got difficult. Those people are not you.

It doesn't matter what your husband will do, or has done, or is doing. It's interesting but it doesn't matter to you, because you know that the only thing you can control is you.

You need to decide. Decide what you want, what your deal is, and then act accordingly.

I'll tell you what I decided, for myself. I decided I will wait some more. I decided that the paper divorce is not "an end". She used that word to me - "just want to get this nightmare over". And with the four young kids involved, the idea that a divorce decree means the ordeal is "over", is ludicrous. Completely unrealistic. This is the beginning, not the end. This is the beginning of what she asked for. She doesn't even have a rent payment yet! Over?

No, it is not over. It is the beginning of divorced life. I look at it as another stage. All options are open to me. I am prepared to wait a while longer to see if my wife likes what she has gotten. To see if she likes moving into her new house, alone. To see if she likes moving furniture alone. If she likes making her rent payment by herself. IF she likes waving goodbye to the kids as I take them on a family vacation without her. To see if she really wants to value a relationship with her women friends above a relationship with her children's father, the man her kids adore.

Of course I am upset about the divorce. I am not happy with the way things have gone. I don't like it that we are nearly divorced and she is still living rent-free. (It's not about the money, it's about the reality check) I get down sometimes. But I know I cannot control the past nor can I control her aggressive legal maneuvers. All I can do is control myself.

What helps is when I feel good - so, exercise. Sleep enough. Visit friends. Make new friends. Stay positive. Find things to enjoy. You will have to wait for him. The trick is to wait without doing nothing, if you know what I mean.

SPM - you always make me feel a little stronger. Your like the gym instuctor that gets that little more out of you.

I dont think that I have asked for success stories from my position but I have searched this site for them. I suppose I am looking for something to hang on to, or to try something that someone else has done successfully.

Bottom line though is your right about me being the only one I can control. Plus everyone is different.

I feel better each week I think . When I first posted I was an emotional wreck and now I even have moments where I think - wow I feel happy. I am the tpye of person that does kid around and laugh and seem to be happy but in past year that has not been true. But I have precious moments of it now.

I saw H yesterday and in minutes he was all over me and we ML. ( hope that is not to much information) Trouble was it he never looked at me. So is it ML or will I in time feel used? Or should i take this as a step in the right direction. I have been dressing provocatively and been upbeat and leaving him alone of sorts ( BBQ was first non work thing we have done in a while - mind you he never spoke to me )

I am glad you have decided to wait . If you have no where to go to in a hurry then I see the sense of moving forward for your own self but at the same time being receptive to any improvement in relations.

You sound frustrated at the speed of which it is taking for her to be totally independent. If she has not been real with herself about how it is all going to work, then she is in for a hell of a shock.

Although i am very unfamiliar with how your laws work , I cant believe that you are responsible anyway for her. Unless you choose to keep the financial payments up on the house. Works a little different here. I know that you cannot force a wife with kids to leave the family home BUT you come to an arrangement and that is not H pays all and W does nothing. She would have to buy H out or contribute her share of mortgage or sell. That meANS getting a job. Divorce is not meant to be easy but it needs to be fair.

These times are not easy either. When does the no contact thing run out ?

Raining again here and getting dark. We have long weekend coming up and my D18 comes home from university for 4 months next W. Something to look forward to.

Someone here ( might of been you ) said to act like you are not married to him and you know what , that works for me - well most of the time. Would never of ML to him if I was thinking that at the time. Ha Ha

Cheers

I think it was both me and Sandi that recommended you act like you are not married. It's funny that you made love with him in that frame of mind.


I get that vibe from you. Things are better. And that's a really good trend!


Ack! This is terrific! Fell used?!???! Why in hell would you feel THAT? You want him don't you? This is a way to connect with him, ain't it? you've been dressing provocatively and it worked. D4mn, woman! And who knows if it is a step or just sex? It's positive, seems to me. It's better than a poke in the eye.

No expectations, right? Who knows if it will happen again. Just bank that one, and keep open to other opportunities.


Yes, I am frustrated, but it's not something I can affect. I don't wish a shock for her. I just want it to be real. I just want the implications to be here, for real. It's too bad that the real implications have been delayed so long. And who knows, maybe I am too hopeful that these practical consequences will have any effect on her perspective. Regardless, the consequences are happening now, which is fine with me.


It isn't going to be "fair" to either of us. I won't be paying for her forever.

It's super to hear that your daughter will be coming home to visit.

Yes i have moments when I forget - well its hard to forget. i have been sharing a bed for close to 22 years. It certainly is something I have vowed and declared never to do again outside of a committed relationship. I don't mean with H - even if we are not in a committed R it feels right.

Yes - I will take it as a positive interaction . HaHa



Any major change not considered, is a shock and you know what , i think like the failing heart , a shock can be a good thing. Dont under estimate its value and don't over estimate possible consequences.



Why don't you see it as being possible to be fair. If she would agree to talk with you , surely you could come to fair arrangements. ( Talking to you being the problem - I know )I understand if you have to leave all the important decisions up to a judge to decide, then it will not be fair. Gosh even I feel like giving your W a shake.

I am not a religious person - in that I don't go to church but I do believe in spiritual greatness. With this comes the belief that none of us are given anything we cannot handle, we are given things for a reason and the universe had this road mapped out for us from day 1.

We just have to see where it will all lead us. I feel within myself changes which do make me a better person. If I needed to go through this in order to achieve this, then maybe so be it.

But I like you , will wait. I do find that if I think of H as just another person , then my expectations of him cease, I get less emotional, less angry and am quite nice to him without that needy edge.