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Treese,
naej has given you good advice. I don't have any in particular except to encourage you to find the things that give you joy, even if it's brief. Mostly I just wanted to say that I was thinking of you and praying for you.

Blessings and peace,
Dawn

Treese

You sound so much like me when I was going through this!!!!! I felt like I was going to loose my mind. I went a few days without crying and then it would come back ten fold.

Have you ever thought about talking to a C? My C helped me to cope and survive. She helped me to make some kind of sense of it all. She was wonderful and I don't think I could have made it without her.

Treese, it does get better. You will find the peace in your life that you deserve. Your in my prayers.

Y aka (((((MOM)))))

MOM...YR....

I had tried a few counselors and so far I haven't connected with one....I am still trying to find one...and it has to be one in my H's insurance...that's what stinks....if I was rich I wouldn't have the problem but I'm not so...I continue to search..

As my anniversary grows closer and closer I find myself getting more and more anxious...Monday is going to be hard no matter how I look at it....I can do as much as I want but it's still there...and it's OW's birthday...I think that hurts more..they will be celebrating and having fun without a thought of my anniversary....do they really not think of us on that day...how can they not after 24 years?

H has been distant since my son's baseball is over....he does not come around all week and then I have to ASK him to take my son on the Friday's I work the football games....he NEVER has offered to take him...

My mom and H's mom are best friends and H's mom says I should go out with other men...WHAT? H told his mom OW's birthday is the same day as our anniversary...that hurt also...H talking about OW to his mom....I have been in that family for 30 years...she says I should still call her but I just can't right now... all she tells is if h is in love with someone else I need to move on with my life....I really don't want to hear that all the time..sometimes I feel like telling her to put herself in my shoes and what would she do if my FIL left her after 40 years...I realize what I have to do...When my D16 had her tonsils out she never called to see how she was doing...sad...

D16 was inducted to NHS last week...it was very nice...I took her for a follow up dr appt for her throat yesterday and she looked at me and said she needed a counselor...I started to tear up and said, "ok"..I will find you one....the fact that she and I are two of the same people is hard...we both are trying so hard to take care of each other and I keep telling her it's going to be okay and to be a kid....she says she doesn't care if her dad is happy cause one day he will fall and we won't be there...she knows if he were to give in to what he really feels he would crash...such a smart girl....then I changed the subject and made her laugh...One day at a time I told her....one day at a time...

D21 will be 22 on Halloween....can't believe it...the age I gave birth to her....my kids are growing up and H is missing so much...his loss I guess....

So, there it is for now....as I told dryheat...It seems to be getting tougher not easier....why is that? Is it because my anniversary is coming up? Is it because the holidays are approaching? the knot in my stomach is getting tighter and bigger....I just pray to get through the day...

Thanks for letting me vent again....

Thanks again everyone for all the words of advice and all the prayers....I feel you all praying....

(((hugs)))

Treese,
Your h does remember your anniversary. Had he not, he would not have brought it up in a conversation w/his mother. He will do what he can to avoid you this weekend and most likely the days just after the anniversary. Why? Reminders of what he had, what he's done and continues to do to his family. Oh, I imagine he'll do something for that ow, but it won't be totally a grand old time. Why? Memories of other times, his wedding, the anniversaries that he shared w/you will creep in when he least expects them.

You must find something to do that day. Create a new memory w/your children, go out w/a friend, but try not to be alone on that date. Send yourself some flowers, do something for yourself, as you surely deserve it. We all have had to learn to deal w/the anniversary and it will get easier in time. Right now, you are still reeling from everything that has been dropped into your lap.

BTW, you are still expecting him to do things, i.e., come over, pick up son, etc. Toss the expectations out the door. He's in his own little world and he's going to do what he wants and when he wants. Your calling to remind him and/or ask him is normal in the real world, but to him, you are "mom" or an authority figure pulling him back into the real world. I know you are desperately trying to keep him involved in your children's lives, but the more you pull, the more he's going to distance himself.

As for your MIL, blood is thicker than water. She's listening to her son and believing what he's telling her. Remember, they do rewrite history and believe me, his parents, friends, etc., will figure it all out at a much later time. Right now, they want you to let him go, start living your life as if he's not coming back. They believe him and why shouldn't they? After all, he's their son and it must be true. Treese, we all have been there....we know it's not true. They only way that they will "get it" is for you to step back, live your life and allow your h to destroy his world. Trust me, it takes a long time, but their eyes will be jarred open and they will then realize what has happened. At some point, they will reach out to your children, but it's very difficult at this time because they believe him.

You are desperately trying to hold on to something that you can't. You can't pull him back into the family and back to you. You have to let him go and allow him to feel safe when he comes to your home. Right now, he senses that you are still holding on and trying to get him back home. You are going to have to find a way to detach a bit more, allow him to see you as a friend and go from there. It's hard, but you can do it.

Give him the gift of time, space and freedom for a while. While he's finding himself, spread your own wings and fly. That doesn't mean you have to date, either. It means live your life to the fullest, spend as much time w/your family and friends, learn to find one thing each and every day to be thankful for and laugh. Laughter is a great healer. Find something to laugh about each and every day.

Treese, it's one step at a time, one day at a time. Keep the focus on what's important....you and your children.

Sorry Treese you are having such a difficult time. Your anniversary and the upcoming holidays I am sure are making you anxious. They are just days and will pass very quickly.

Don't even give your brain thoughts of the past. Try to continue to focus on you and not what was lost. Stay positive.

Let your h go for now. Snodderly has given you some great advice.

Hang in there!

Treese:

Do something on your anniversary, maybe with the kids. Try not to think about what your MIL says. She only sees things thru his eyes and what he says to her at the moment. She is not with him to see or hear his actions 24/7.

I hate to say this but you are probably better off not seeing or hearing from him during the week. You really do not want to put up with his moods/actions while he is the way he is.

Remember, your anniversary is just another day and right now that is all you can think of it.

Think hard about this: You really do not want your husband around in the condition he is in---really, you all are much better off while he is gone doing his own thing. I know because we have lived it!

My h is coming along but it takes a long, long time.

Treese

Snodderly is so right! Your H does remember. He is trying to stuff all those feelings right now. Let him dangle in the wind right now. I know what you mean when you say it is getting worse. Most of us have felt that, including me. Give it back to God and let him work on your H right now. Do things for you and your kids.

I am thinking of you and praying for you!

Y

Treese, you are so right. It does get worse. The drama lessens but the pain seems to deepen. The loneliness and the hurt seems to be all that you feel. But we have to hold our heads up and do as they say. Search everyday for the things that make you smile. That make you laugh. Cherish those things, appreciate them. Stop letting H bring you down with him.

Theres good advice here. Read it then go back and read it again. Let him go Treese. Let him go...

Snodderly....I always love to read your advice....you are so inspirational...you and YR,& MWG...and everyone else....

update.....here is news I got a couple of hours ago....

My H texted me and told me he took son to Pumpkin festival w/ OW and her daughter....couldn't call and tell me it but texted me and told me son was having fun....he knew I was going to be upset...that is one think I had asked him not to do right now and the was take him around her....so yep....I blew....I called him and told him to never put my son in that position again...I wanted to call the OW so bad...but I didn't....can you imagine my sons face or what he is thinking that dad was with another girl and it wasnt mom...why did he put him in that postition...

So, while we were talking on the phone...H continued to tell me I need to let it go and move on...that we need to move forward with the divorce, blah, blah, blah,...I told him that D16 asked me to get her a counselor and he said, "WHY?"....seriously now....he said and if it turns out that "the other kid" is his he will be in his life....I said fine but my kids dont want to see him...you stole that from them a long time ago....that he made all our decisions for us...he said not to answer for my kids...I said fine....truth is, I'm not fine with any of it.....I hate both those women....I know it takes 2 but I hate them right now....

He said, "Aren't you tired of crying"...I said, "as a matter of fact I am"...but I was thrown all this at once....I said I didn't understand how he can walk around so happy knowing how bad he has hurt me. (I know bad but it came out)..He said, "he knows what it was like to be sad and depressed so he chooses to be happy"...I said, "well then you should understand how I feel"..I told him I hate waking up alone, that I chose for him to be my partner in life and I didn't choose any of this., Of course he still says...he is happy and "in love" with OW....so I can't compete with this....I guess I haven't changed at all...He even brought up that when he was dating another girl a long time ago that I hated her too....I said, "so".....what girl wouldn't...why in the world would I love who he was dating...I mean really....He continues to say that the OW was not what took him from our home...I said, "ok whatever"...that she's not a monster and the kids will need to get used to seeing her....

I see it now...I see that he's never coming home...that he really has moved on and is in love with OW...he's starting to bring her in to his family and mine...I am just having a hard time letting go....I love him...and yes I told him that....bad bad bad....but I paniced....another bad...I also told him I knew it was OW birthday on our anniversary....his answer. "so"...

Hey....I gave him 30 years...he chose her over me....he's happy I'm not...hes waking with someone...I'm waking alone....yes I realize it's all up to me...I realize I have to do it myself....but can I....I thought I was going to have a breakdown when he told me that this morning....and then when I called him he hung up on me the first time....I told him I hope some day that I can find someone who will love me for me...who wants to ML to me and be with me...

I know he really doesnt care about that...he has all that...and she is giving him everything he wants....apparently she understands him and is so laid back and fun...they do all kinds of fun things together...things we never did including the pumpkin show...

There are days when I just hate him....but I love him....I have no strength left....I just want to go crawl in a hole, and never come out.....

I seem to be getting worse at this rather than better....at this rate I know he will never want to come home....and I can't blame him....

Treese

Treese,
Just as they hit bottom, so shall we. Once you've bottomed out in your area, you'll rise again and be stronger, more independent and yes, wiser to your situation.

You've stated your opinions/thoughts to him, now, let it go. Continue to move forward and find a way to leave the door ajar, but do not wait on him. Your children need you now more than ever. No one can predict which ones will return and that's why it's so important not to sit around waiting on them.

Yes, you are having a difficult time of this, but you need to understand/realize that you cannot rationalize w/someone who "chooses to be happy" or should I say, sweeps everything under the rug at this time. He's running to avoid everything he's done and he will continue to do so until there's no place left to run.

As for the ow, I wouldn't have been happy either to discover they are out and about w/your son in tow. Again, we just don't have any control over them and what they do. The more you point out the errors of his way, the more he's going to be determined to do it his way. I know you needed to get it off your chest today, but find a way to let it go. He'll never want to be around you if you continue on the rationalizing streak.

Treese, you only have control over yourself and what you do w/your life. You have to take that huge leap of faith and cross over on to the path we are all on. That path will guide you along the way and support you throughout all of it. What's important right now is that you create a stable and safe home for your children. They need to know, and I think they already do, that mom is there for them. You are going to have to get a very thick skin in the weeks to come. Holidays upon holidays are coming up and it's going to get harder to face them if you don't go as dark as you can on this man.

I'm very sorry about the conversation today, but I'm not at all suprised to hear his comments. Typical of that fantasy land euphoria ride he's on.

Take care of yourself.