OK being that there may be a past life like this, you do have a challenge here....because you are bringing pain and misfortune forward from the previous life.
But that doesn't mean it can't be fixed.
What are the meds he was prescribed? Does it have to do with alcohol? That stuff that makes you sick if you drink?
He is likely going through withdrawals?
Just questions, not that necessary...just curious.
I can sense that you are both "tangled" into something well beyond what most couples who don't have a past life together have. The dying at birth and mother thing, really makes sense if you think about the patterns of your relationship. You can't turn your back on your own child, no matter how "bad" he or she is!
But sweetie...there is something in all of this that is feeding you. You may hate it, like some kids who hate broccoli, but its still feeding them.
What is this thing that is feeding you with him? Do you know, or have you looked deeper into it?
I'm not talking about the same kinds of things that psychologists talk about ... I'm talking about witchy things.
For instance, my man feeds the beast in me, and yes there is one. The beast in me can lay low for long periods of time if it is being fed. He for some reason unknown to me (but I suspect it is in answer to some prayers I said a long time ago) knows exactly how to feed that beast and nurture it, and he is not afraid of it. No other man has been given this gift. Other men are always afraid of it.
I can't help that there is this beast in me, so when it comes out I try putting lipstick on it and dance it around. There isn't much else I can do. All I want is to be happy, like everyone else, but I have to accept the limitations I have due to this beast. In my case, it can be scary or it can project just graceful beasthood, such as a lion.....but it is still something most people aren't dealing with.
Now...there is something in you that is getting fed by him.
If you can figure this out, you can start changing things around.
What is it he gives you that you know no other man can/will give you?
Its not sex. Its not money. What is it?
You don't even have to answer....just dwell on it.
DQ~ I am so happy you have been with me thru this and I need to tell you that I am going to get better. I am . And he as broken as he is is really trying. When he filled out the questionare my eyes were opened to the pain he is in,,, I hope this was the straw that broke the camels back. And me? I have a place in heaven. I am going to post what another wise woman wrote to me so you can understand a little better....
Quote:
One of the MANY things that is so crazy-making about living with an alcoholic is the way you watch them carefully without trying to seem like you're watching them carefully. You notice EVERYTHING... are they slurring, how do they smell? When I would go to bed first (most of the time) and leave my bf up drinking, I'd wake up in the middle of the night to pee and check the refrigerator to see if he had gone through two six-packs or only one. Ugh!
Alanon will help you to stop obsessing so much about his every move. You probably won't be able to stop obsessing, but it will help your sanity if you can cut down. The fact is, you don't know yet if you can trust him. He has betrayed your trust many times. It would be naive of you to immediately believe everything he says. Unfortunately, you're on shifting sands right now and you need to find a solid place to stand on that he cannot undermine. You need a ROCK to plant yourself on. You know where I'm gonna tell you to find that rock.
One reason why you can't dump your perfectly justifiable anxiety on him is that he has enough on his plate without you needing him to fix you and make you feel better. If he does do stuff to make you feel better, all well and good. But he cannot spare the emotional currency to do that. He needs all of his wits about him to keep sober without having to worry about you.
Another thing is that if you are anxious and hovering over him, then if he does fall off the wagon, he can blame you in some way. "If you hadn't had me under a microscope, I could have kept sober, but you were always checking up on me!"
This is why you must take care of your own mental/emotional health and you do not have to abandon him or be unsupportive to do that. (I think I've covered my pov on THAT topic enough times. )
ETA: You're NOT being irrational! He has given you plenty of reasons in the past to doubt him. GO TO A MEETING! Get yourself a sponsor, so that when you have questions like this, you have someone to call (NOT your girlfriends!). Don't just hang there and twist in the wind all by yourself. And you can't depend on him right now to give you straight answers.
She makes sense , and she has helped me heal and grow in a way that I can never repay her, nor can my Husband or my kids, I am growing up and finding hope and solutions.... She is wise and she and the others there have allowed me to see that I can be on my pity pot but it wont get me anywhere. That I need to find solutions and see that he is Human too. Love you Dq~ ~Ava
Thanks DQ~ Your post made me weep... I just love you. You have given me much to think about. I would love to meet you in person one day. That would be a gift.
HMMM? What does he give me? a lot even though I get so lost in my anger.... why does he hurt me though? I cant wrap my brain around that ? If he just looks at me he gets %X$^&* well you know , we have a deep connection and a carnal one too. If we could just get the other sh*t straight. I will get back to you on that...
The meds are for his severe anxiety and yes he will get violently ill if he drinks... ~Ava
Ava, I am so glad that DQ showed up just in the nick of time to help you when I could not. I had to help my W this afternoon clean the mum shop and could not be online, then my band had a gig tonight. I am so sorry that I had to go in your time of need.
You have been in my prayers this whole time even though I could not be online. God please help Ava and her husband, they need your help more than ever now. Please heavenly Father, help Ava's husband see that he has so much right there for him if he will only open his eyes. You know his troubled soul, please give him the sight to see his salvation and the love that Ava freely offers to him. He has so much to be happy for, so much to live for, take away his pain and light his spirit so that he may see Ava and his children once more and join them, lead them as he should as the father of this family.
Ava, the only thing that I have to add tonight is that your H must learn to respect you. Without respect a marriage cannot work. It is the single most important aspect, that is the foundation of a marriage. Respect, trust and love. Trust is the weak link in my marriage but we always respect one another above all else.
You know you are in my prayers every night Ava, I have never stopped my prayers for you.
Are there books to read on this DQ? what you said makes so much sense on a witchy level. I am going to keep dwelling on it. I know I fell madly in love with him from the get go, It was like I knew him for decades when I met him , I felt this comfort with him that I have never had with anyone else. I felt safe in his arms like he would protect me. I felt comfortable being nude in front of him. I felt good in my own skin when I was around him, his smile made me melt. Sort of lie you explained it , even though I complain about the negative. He does soothe me when he is beautiful, When he is the beautiful person I feel in love with I felt so at peace, and noone has done that for me before. When he and I are alone he fills me with peace. I dont want the moment to end and I love him more everyday , I dont feel like that is normal, The more kind he is the more I want to devour him, I dunno he was the first and only man that didnt treat me like a piece of a**. He saw past the big boobs and into my soul. He made me feel beautiful and whole just by looking at me and holding my hand. This part of him has lately reappeared. And what is happening now is I am more confident and even though I have this great love for him and he can do no wrong. At the same time now I am seeing that I cant fathom sharing him or him not respecting me and this great love we have. I am at a place now that I know he loves me and I love him too, but it isnt enough. If he wants to continue degrading himself he will ahve to do it on his own time. I will no longer settle for anything less. I promised myself I was going to not say a word and then he got a phone call from that same number, and I tried to maintain control and then I lost it. My " beast" went ballistic. He even told me we just went to the Dr yesterday and you are upsetting me, and I said yeah , you know what I am being a F*cking B*tch and for that I deeply apologize but I simply cant take it anymore, and this needs to F*cking stop. I dont want to be a B*tch but nice has gotten me nowhere. All you are saying to me is they are more important than me and the kids cause you dont have the balls to answer and tell them to leave us alone and F*ck right off. If that is the life you want to live then so be it, you have said everything by not fixing this problem, you have put there needs above your families.... Enough. I will not accept this any longer . The ball is in his court now and he needs to figure it out.... I dont even feel cruel for telling him this. I know he has a lot on his plate but I was about to go nuts this was coming since Sat.... Thanks DQ~ I am glad someone else is just as witchy as me.... I always feel like time is slipping thru my fingers when Husband and I are at peace like I cant get enough of him and he still wants to snuggle with me all the time 12 years later... that Tarot lady , I have known her for @ 12 years too.... she is awesome. She told me 2 years ago that my Husband wuld be on a " journey for a bit and for @ least 2 years,, and that he would always love me but he needed to go , and that he would come back and that i was supposed to turn my back on him and tell him to go... I couldnt and so i think she was right,,,, It is just over 2 years and he is really returning to who he is ( MLC?) and the beautiufl being I fell in love with. I should have listened but I couldnt leave him out in the cold.... no matter how much pain I went thru... I knew he loved me he just didnt love himself. Cinco reiterates this sentiment, that HE was looking to " feel " something anything..... he didnt do it to hurt his Wife , all he did was hurt himself..... he was lost..... It isnt right but it isnt ever done with the intention of hurting the one you love it is done to fill a void,,, doesnt make me cry any less, but it helps to understand. I love you all very much , Ava
Ava, I am so glad that DQ showed up just in the nick of time to help you when I could not. I had to help my W this afternoon clean the mum shop and could not be online, then my band had a gig tonight. I am so sorry that I had to go in your time of need.
You have been in my prayers this whole time even though I could not be online. God please help Ava and her husband, they need your help more than ever now. Please heavenly Father, help Ava's husband see that he has so much right there for him if he will only open his eyes. You know his troubled soul, please give him the sight to see his salvation and the love that Ava freely offers to him. He has so much to be happy for, so much to live for, take away his pain and light his spirit so that he may see Ava and his children once more and join them, lead them as he should as the father of this family.
Ava, the only thing that I have to add tonight is that your H must learn to respect you. Without respect a marriage cannot work. It is the single most important aspect, that is the foundation of a marriage. Respect, trust and love. Trust is the weak link in my marriage but we always respect one another above all else.
You know you are in my prayers every night Ava, I have never stopped my prayers for you.
Cinco
Thank you so very much Cinco, you made me cry tears of JOY~ You know what your prayers are helping... he is getting better. God bless you for praying for me. As hard as it is I am going to need your support for me to let go of what he has done Cinco, ( just like I say your Wife needs to let go of resentment ) I am choosing to stay and I have said my peace and so now I need to let the sun shine on my face and stop looking back. I wont help him move forward by holding him to the past, it is going to be incredibly hard for me but I need to let go and move forward , the ground is still shaky , but I need help to be solid and happy. I crucified him this morning but is he maybe doing that? What do you think? Did you crucify yourself once you realized how foolish you had been? Love, ~Ava
You are right about the respect thing Cinco, that actually was the basis for my arguing with him this morning.... that is all I want and it doesnt cost a thing.
Ava, one of the hardest things I had to do was to forgive myself for the things I had done. It was immaturity and weakness but it was also allowing demons inside that never should have been allowed entrance. The void I felt was so large and as I tried desperately to fill it somehow, all I filled it with was alcohol and finally sex. I thought I had it all under control but as it grabbed and started to devour my soul, I no longer had any control at all. I wasn't even myself anymore.
I hated what I had become and worse I felt like I didn't deserve to have a beautiful life with a loving wife and family. I wasn't good enough for them and indeed I had turned into this horrible person that did little more than provide for them financially.
Until finally I saw the light and that all my problems were of my own doing. I had dug and thrown myself into a pit with no way out on my own. The turning point for me was when I asked for help to climb out of that pit. I needed God's help and also help from you all here. First I had to forgive myself for what I had done and then I could ask for and find the help that I needed.
Ava, he is crying out for help now. It may take some time before he will forgive himself for what he has done. Beating himself up won't get him out of his hole. Forgiving himself and making the changes in his life will. Hopefully he will ask for help as I did.
The past is gone the only thing that we can do is live in the here and now. Maybe he will realize this soon as you have Ava.
THANK YOU CINCO~ Your words have touched my heart and help me understand what my hubby may be feeling, I am blessed to have you as a cyber friend. Thank you for being boldly honest with me @ your past , it helps me a lot. Thank you, ~Ava I have to let go of the anger or it is going to sabotage all my efforts and his, he will just say this is no use I am better and she still isnt happy.
Ava, one of the hardest things I had to do was to forgive myself for the things I had done.
And that is key here. Although many of our WAW's won't forgive us..it is key that, we DO, if we truly recognize where we went wrong and pursue and maintain those changes that correct our course. We should post a thousand yellow Post-It notes in our brain and re-read them as reminders, until it becomes new behavior.....
Hugs. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Thanks FIB~ I love the post it note idea.... I am doing better. ......not so toxic these days. I feel an energy I haven't had in a long time.... Thank you for your support a long the way. At times my heart is so full of gratitude..... I have a journey ahead of me ... but at least now he sees he has to step up. The burden is lighter.... Love, ~Ava
