Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 7 Yrs Later Im Back

Thanks marriedCrazy,

I've dediced to go on meds and also concentrate more at work, I've been dating someone but its not working as planed,the woman im dating is putting too much pressure on me to make a decision regarding our reletionship, I like her a lot but can deal w/the drama.

Thanks

Francis

Hey Francis... I guess i am a bit confused as to what it is you are looking for here. You have been down this road before right? Yet you are also dating someone else right now?

I am quite surprised that your L hasn't told you that you don't need to be seeing anyone until your D pushes through. You are a partner in a business and are risking quite a bit by having an affair. And yes, it is an affair.

I think that SG hit the nail on the head a while back here and that maybe you need to take some time and figure out exactly what you want right now. I think it is hard for folks here to give you any direction without knowing exactly where you want to end up.

What I would tell you is that you need to pick a path. Then you need to move to a forum that suits your path. If your done with your marriage then you are more than welcome to join us in Surviving.

Personally, I would love to give you some direction... I just have no idea where your heading so can't really offer up anything more than this right now.


Ian

Hi all,

Ill take all the comments positive or negative, I'm feeling very cofused and dont know what to do,ill take your advice and make an app. tomorow with one of the coaches.

Thanks
Francis

Francis,

My first piece of advice is still relevant. What is it you want? You can't have what you don't know you want. Or as Dr. Phil would say, "If you can't name it, you can't claim it."

There's no reason to feel shame. I can understand your fear.

But with all the back-and-forth that's gone on in this relationship, the monkey is on your back so to speak.



To turn this back on you, in order to make yourself question and reason this through: What do you want your wife to see in you? From my female perspective, I just see a bag of contradictions right now. I know that sounds harsh, but you may need to see things from her perspective.

You wanted to save your M once before and it looks like you were succeeding. Then you back slid....big time. You got comfy in the M and you got bored. Why did this happen? What do you need to change? What DB tactic(s) worked before?

Thanks all,

Ill take all I can get from all of you. Im in a very depressed confused state, my Therapist tells me too much hurt has transpired between W and I and he sees no reason why we should try to make it work, my heart tells me that I still love her and want to make our family work. My biggest fear, I feel that the relationship will be the same as it was for the past 22 yrs, lack of passion, disrespect, fights over money, love making only when she felt like it, etc, etc. I just dont see my wife changing to the point where it will be a loving relationship, I feel that my affairs have been the results of a wife that was only interested in herself and I was just the FINANCIAL security.


The big news I have decided to end the relationship with OW

Ill start my telephone with Michelles office next week.

Thanks for all your help, boy I needed, at times I feel like jumping over a bridge.

Thanks,

Francis

Just some quick thoughts:

1. What we focus on does expand. Meaning, if you are focused on your past, it is bound to repeat itself.

2. You are only responsible for you. Meaning, it's not your wife who has to change. It is YOU.

3. You are giving your W too much power and are sounding like you are the victim.

None of this will resolve itself overnight or quickly, no matter what YOU decide YOU want (try and save the M or go for a D). No relationship is going to fix/address the causes that brought you to this situation, only you can fix/address those things...

Good luck. Keep posting.

Good move ending it w/OW. You need some time to yourself to sort things out.

Perhaps your W has intimacy issues w/you because of your many infidelities. That's a tough thing to get past. Then you compounded your offense by repeating it.

I think it's interesting that your W mirrors your affairs with her own. Maybe if you treat her the way she wants/needs, she'll mirror that behavior and do the same for you?

Good luck.

I see more of the story here, Francis.


She tried for 8 months! How many more hints could you have gotten? You told her it was too late. On top of that, you wish she was someone else, you constantly complain about her actions in the M (of course, you are completely blameless), while you speak of your A's as if it's nothing. In fact, you want to hold onto both women until you make up your mind?! Do you feel just a teeny bit remorseful that you slept with another woman? This is why your W is leaving you, it seems.

I am quite flabbergasted! Still, awesome that you are honest in speaking about your A's. I think your IC is right and you should just let your W go. Be generous with her without her asking, and be her friend (as I said in your other thread), and maybe one day you will get her back, if you really want her (I have my doubts about this).

Again, sorry about being harsh --- and, I don't judge you in any way --- we all get through this life best we can, but you did ask for the advice, and there it is. Good luck!

Happy thanksgiving to all,

Have been away for a few weeks preparing my company for the holiday season, have not had the time to post, since my last post, I have joined a Gym and have been working on my stress, It has been a great help,feeling much better. I have not had much interaction with W, just a couple flare ups, but nothing major.
NOW WHAT? The divorce has been filed, we both have attorneys, we are due to start mediation in January, my question is where to I go from here, she is showing no interest in having a conversation or working towards reconciliation, and I dont feel like approaching her like a puppy asking to work things out.
I also feel like Im left holding the bag financially, she has cut her contribution towards the home expenses to 25%, and continuing her expense habits of the past, at least twice a week she gets home between 1 and 2 in the morning, and you can tell she been out drinking, not sure if shes dating someone or just going out with friends.

Feeling sad tonight, it was the 2nd time in twenty five yrs that we did not have thanksgiving dinner with our kids and family.

Thanks,

Francis

Francis,

Not much advice tonight but I am sorry you are sad. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Beth