Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Fireproof.....well, not really

Hey SPM - ditto here in the state just south of you. Too easy to end a marriage and no consequences for affairs. There has to be more incentive to try and work on the marriage for both involved.

After being here for almost 2 1/2 years, IMO, separation is the death knell for most marriages and many women separate not 'because I need space to think this over', but, to either pursue OM or out of guilt and allowing their M to have a slow death.

This speaks volumes, I have n't posted in a long time but read a lot now. (what ever happened to Helmlick and Nomo?!)

Not a lot to say but, I had the bomb in Jan 07 after W had a EA in June 06

It has been the hardest thing to deal with, No major words for anyone but the only results I've seen is when you truly back off and I mean truly it changes. It has taken me a extrondianary long time but we were together 20years but nearly 2 years later I only now feel done and in Jan will file for divorce under UK law and all of a sudden she starts calling me 3 - 6 times a day after complete indifference.

Sorry for the hi jack but any guys out there a seperation is the last thing you should give them they need to feel the pain of losing a family leaving just paves their way and we always ensure they are finacialy OK. I'm not being bitter I have a better life with my children now but if a marriage is in trouble do everything you can to stay and work on it. A seperation is a death knell.

SPM, (and FIB) I always read your post you are pretty amazing guys.

Peace and Love, Peace and Love (see the youtube footage of grumpy Ringo Starr!)

Hey STT, very insightful.
I heard that Ringo wants no more fan mail, is that what he is grumpy about?

Yep, a bit of a joke as he's obviously a talented guy but also a very lucky guy, when the Beatles were asked if he was the best drummer in the world John Lennon said " he's not even the best in the Beatles!" all very tongue in cheek and dry british humour.

SPM, keep on your route, you help so many.

Also while I'm on a role! I read Frank_D and when I joined he had restored his marriage, now when you come here you look for so much hope and his story was amazing. Sadly he's gone through so much pain again. Anyone comming here has to realize It is a long and painful road. I want to say to Frank_D you really don't know how many people you have helped (not much comfort to your situation) but you are an inspiration.

Back to FIB's thread.

cheers
Charlie

I heard that Paul had to lay down some of the drum tracks for Ringo. I think a more legitimate question could be asked "who is the worst famous drummer in the world - Mick Fleetwood or Ringo Star?". Man I sure miss Keith Moon and John Bonham.

My bet is Mick, only because when he played it was like sitting behind those mini drum kits you get for five year old as his knees kept hitting the cymbols at the wrong time!

Peace and love, Peace and Love

FIB--- going through this you question everything and I can understand you frustration....just agree with the others Im in ca and its a no fault divorce....i cant tell you the frustration....have an affair, spend all the money, manipulate your spouse into thinking u just want time and space...and you just dont know what to do...while they spend all the money....and hide it...and at the end of the day..its a no fault divorce! ughhhh...and the sad part is ....the bottom line another family destroyed.....looking back i just cant imagine what would be so wrong you couldnt fix it...given the path divorce takes...but hey we could all have the attitude lets move on and be happy!...oh well....one day at a time and your doing good even though your racked with pain...try and focus on the good things.....the pain is a downward spiral that never ends,,,take care

fib

just ask yourself.

what would the pope do?

I thought that, too. In the year before XH left, I had made a lot of (positive) changes in my interactions with him. He himself agreed that yes, I had tried, but he hadn't. And he said, "It takes two people to make it work." And, ultimately, it does.

My XH has had addiction issues for many years now, although he doesn't seem to think they are problematic. He also has very strong naricisstic qualities (diagnosed). I had thought that if he wanted to , he could change and become a real partner to me, and father to his children. But the fact is that, regardless of his potential, he simply does not have the emotional capacity and strength necessary to do so. It's just not there.

It took me a LONG time to get this, but now I do. A person can have all the potential in the world, but it does not always follow that they have the character necessary to achieve it.

I have now learnt to look past potential and to see what is because that is the only known quantity in an individual.

~Nicola

In the past, I have started 'goodbye' threads only to find myself still hangin' around here. I now know why. The courage and strength shown here is moving.

The pain of divorce is gender neutral. Men and women are hurt. Children suffer horrendously. I've ofttimes posted that if there is anything here that leaves me dazed and confused, still, is the inability to understand how....how...someone can convert from love to utter hate and disgust.

Is it genetic?
Environmental?
Nature vs nurture?
Psychological/psychiatric?

Or us? (hmmm)

Dunno.

The real challenge is how you handle this once 'reconciliation' clearly seems hopeless.

-What do you do when your boundaries are crossed?
-When, if ever, do you show anger?
-When do you do things that are defensive in nature, yet, piss the hell out of them?

Yes, Nicola, as much as it takes two to contribute to the demise of a marriage, it also takes two to desire to restore it. IMO, everyone here should follow DB principles for THEMSELVES and never stop. They should clearly recognize WHAT contributions THEY feel contributed to where they...we...are at right now. It then behooves them to put all those issues onto virtual yellow Post-It notes and stick them onto your intracranial desktop monitors...where popup windows will show up with "you're not listening messages", etc.

..but..this should all yield to forgiveness, especially to yourselves...especially if you've tried as hard as we all have here...to save our families. No matter what happens...even when my wife had the police after me on false stuff...I find it hard to hate her, as much as I feel she does hate me.

Yes...for the first time I will post here that I truly believe that my W hates me and I choose my words carefully.

But...I am better. I try not to post too much day to day, but, yesterday:

I took my S8 with me to my D's soccer game. I brought my camera with me and turned it on to take some pictures, when I saw the following:

My W stole the media card out of my camera. Fortunately, I had backed up the camera recently. There was nothing on that cam except photos...of family, kids, etc.

Initially, I was shaking and fuming and I was ANGRY. I counted to ten...spoke with a buddy of mine...calmed down, and, with a laugh and giggle, I left a VM for my STBXW:
-"hey...how do you expect me to take pictures for you of the kids..on Saturdays...with no media card. Please...when you are done...can you leave the card on the counter top near my things."

Finally....to KerryK..SPM...I admire you both as men and I am fortunate that you are both here on my thread. You both have great character and insight. To stronger, I concur with all you typed and I am glad you chimed in. Being the filer...is something that I must reckon with everyday. I once told my W:"We are stronger together than apart (DonH). YOU will have to file and destroy us." I never expected that someone could hurt you so much to go back on those words.

To FH...I sometimes think that marriage should be harder to enter than it should be to disintegrate.

To grace...yeah....if marriage is so....sanctified...why is the person who leaves or destroys it rewarded? I guess that's an ironic question considering that I filed here. For those that forgot, I filed because I couldn't take the pain anymore...the lack of commitment...the lies...the continuing pattern of OM's, whether it be an EA, PA or sandwiches in a park.

So..I am down one media card..another stealthy act.

I'm OK.

FIB