Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Moving Forward Again

Hey all

I didn't get to update after my session because I had to go into work earlier than planned. That's ok though, more money for me!

The session this morning went pretty well. We focused a lot on me and what I want to change about myself. My two big issues are being too controlling (about everything not just hubby) and having too mant expectations, which seem to be kind of the same thing. I have expectations and then when they go unmet I try to control everything else to compensate for the unmet expectation which then leads to stress and anxiety and usually a fight with the hubby. It's complicated but also very simple. I just need to learn to manage my stress in a healthy way.

My counselor wants me to learn deep breathing tecniques for when I am stressed and suggests I try to pair it with prayers. Like deep breath in "Lord please help me give up this desire to control" and then breath out slowly and completly. And just do this whenever I get stressed. She wants me to also listen to my body and try and figure out how my body reacts to stress physically, where I can start to feel the stress. If I know my triggers I can use them to help me calm down and recenter myself before I let my anxiety get out of control.

It was all very interesting.

She did not want to talk too much about hubby because these sessions are supposed to be about me and the changes I can make since I have no power over him. Makes sense but sometimes all I seem to want to do is talk about hubby. We did talk about his seemingly sudden shift in attitude as far as the future talk, desire to move in together, etc. She said that she thinks he might be realizing that I am the only one here for him and that right now he is in a vulnerable place and wants to hold onto the one stable person he has had in his life and that it might not mean that he is really wanting the marriage back but rather is looking for something to hold onto. That is not exactly how she phrased it but that is the basic message. She did not say it was a bad thing but kinda a warning to me I guess. I'm still not sure how I feel about that. It could be true to an extent but he seems more than fine about going away for training, happy even. I don't know. It's hard to tell with that man.

I'm gonna go every two weeks now so that we can space out my remaining four sessions. She was very positive that she believes I can make these changes and that it will just take time and practice but that the first and most important step is being open and willing to change. So that is good.

After work I just went out with a friend. Got a new coat. Had dinner. Watched a movie. Yada yada. Nothing crazy but it was nice to see her as it had been awhile. A GAL night I suppose, although hubby and I have been texting back and forth most of the day, off and on, nothing important though.

I started the letter last night. I went to bed and couldn't sleep and then the words starting popping into my head. Lol. Hate when that happens. I will try to finish it tomorrow evening and post it here for consideration.

I can't believe he is leaving Tuesday. . .

Sigh.

Hi Daisy,

Great update. It seems like most of us LBSs have control and thus anxiety issues. Glad you're learning some techniques to deal with it.

Your IC could be right about your H in terms of how he's feeling right now, but this doesn't mean that he won't feel differently once you're together. Your DBing and IC work can really shine through when you're under the same roof. I also don't think your H would consider moving in with you if he didn't think there was at least a reasonable chance for reconciliation. All these WASs seem to feel so guilty that I don't believe they'd knowingly lead us on.

Are you going to be seeing your H much between now and Tuesday?

Seems like you and I are in somewhat similar sitches at the moment in terms of some kind of living together being suddenly back on the table, and more interaction.

Hope all continues to go well Daisy. Keep the faith. We're all rooting for you!

ITH

Thanks ITH

I think you're right. He might be clinging a little tighter because he is leaving but he would not offer to move in together if he did not want to make it work, so I am not going to let that bug me. It's all speculation anyways. Only he knows what's going on inside his head.

I will see him all day Saturday, he is coming over around lunch time as we are going to the corn maze. Then he will come over Monday and stay the night before he leaves on Tuesday (which was his idea) so. . .I have a few more days with him before he goes. Doesn't really make me feel better though. I know the time will go fast but it's going to be hard.

Thanks for checking in on me!

((((Daisy))))

Yes, it will be hard but you are strong and will get through it. Plus you have us to vent to during that time!! LoL

You are 100% right no one knows what is going on in his mind and I have come to the conclusion that they probably don't even know that is why they get so wishy washy.

Enjoy every moment this weekend and Monday night. Leave him with only good thoughts of you (ie. no nagging, pressure, yadda yadda) and how much fun you guys had together. The Corn Maze sounds like soo much fun, it was so hard for me to drag my H to those kinds of things...lol.

Hey Sep

Thanks for the encouragment. I know I will make it through all this it's just hard to focus day by day. But I do have you guys and my IC sessions to keep me sane, at least semi-sane

Today was good. I found out that I can take him to the airport instead of having his sergent pick him up. So that is good news. The bad news is the flight leaves so early that we won't have much time together in the morning but we have the day and night before so it's going to be okay.

He said he was stressed out today and I asked him about what and he said leaving and making sure everything gets done. I asked him if there was anything I could do and he said not that he could think of. So I just said that he was going to do great and that he had done this before and knew what to do, just a positive comment and the sad thing is it felt weird, as if I had never really done it before. Which is probably true in a way. I usually fight and pry and try to help him, or make him want me to help him. But this time I just told him he could do it and that it was gonna be fine. Very mars/venus of me.

I'm gonna finish the letter tonight and post it here. I'll write an update tomorrow night after the corn maze!

Hope you had fun at the corn maze (still jealous..lol).

Looking forward to your post about the great time that you had!! I'm also happy that you get to take H to the airport now so you get to spend as much time together as possible.

Hey Sep

Yes we did have a great day yesterday! Corn maze is one of my favorite traditions and this year was really fun. Caramel apples, BBQ, getting hopelessly lost! Lol.

He came over around noon and we went out to run some errands and we had lunch. A little R talk sprinkled here and there but not really, mostly about the house situation. He was telling me all this stuff about how he is thinking of spending his enlistment money. . .Which kinda pissed me off because WE were supposed to pay off OUR debt and then put the rest in OUR savings account. However now he is talking about visiting his brother in texas, going to Europe, and buying some video game thing. Argh! I reminded him (nicely) of our previous plan and he said "I know" whatever that means. I also pointed out that it would be more practical to buy a car for him since mine is almost paid off. He has a car of course but it is a POS that doesn't even have air bags!!! Anyways it wasn't a fun convo but it didn't get tense or anything. I was just tense. But he was going on and on and on. Lol. I just have to remind myself that most likely none of his plans will actually happen and he is just talking, he does that from time to time. I just kept thinking "what about living together?" if he is jetsetting around Europe where do I fit in? Oh well. No need to stress about it now since it hasn't even happened yet.

So anyways we came home messed around in bed for awhile but had to get ready to leave for corn maze. So we left and it took about an hour to drive out there and we did all the corn maze festivities. Hubby and I got along really well and we had a really good time. My sister and her boyfriend came with us too and that's always fun. we're a goofy group.

So we were there for like 4 or 5 hours and then drove the hour home so it was pretty late. We ML and then watched part of a movie and then I went off to get ready for bed and when I came back to the living room my hubby was asleep. So I sent him home. When he was leaving I said "Love you" without really even thinking about it. He was sleepy and mumbled something before shutting my door. So who knows. I guess I broke the LRT rule but I don't feel LRT anymore anyways. I just hope that when he leaves he will say it back. That's my mini goal.

Another mini goal that was reached was that he brought me a present. I had that on one of my original goal sheets that he would bring me a present just to say "I love you" and he did yesterday. It's the cutest rubber ducky bank. I am a smidge in love with rubber ducks so it's this ceramic rubber duck with a money slot. So cute. And sweet.

Sigh.

Well today he is busy getting ready to leave so I don't imagine we will talk much other than to sort out the details of tomorrow. Then I have one last day with him. . .

Things are going so well right now. It would be easier to say goodbye if we were still tense but something has definatly shifted and we are getting along so well. I don't want to say goodbye. I know it will probably be a good thing in the long run and a month is not that long in the grand scheme of things but it still hurts. I'm just hoping that it will give him a lot of time to think things over and realize that I am the one he wants to call at the end of a long day or that I am the one who will be there if things get off track. I always have been and I always will be.

(((Daisy)))

It all sounds extremely positive. I would not worry about the ILY. Your sitch is not really one of those where it seems like it would spook your H. I love that he brought you a present. I think that speaks volumes. I'd take a heartfelt gift over an ILY right now as actions are more meaningful...

I also wouldn't worry about the different things he's talking about doing with his money. Even if he did jet off to Europe, wouldn't it be great if he knew he could do this and come back home to you? He may just need to get this stuff out of his system. Honestly try to think of it as avoiding a midlife crisis down the road! As you said too, he may just be talking. All these WASs seem to like to talk about their inifinite possibilities of things they can do on their own. I think if we just listen, they might lose the appeal.

Anyway well done on avoiding big R talks or getting baited into fights!

You'll have another day with him, so make the most of it ;).

ITH

Thanks ITH

It was a good day. There are always moments where he gets on my nerves but it's okay. I can deal with it. I really do think all this talk is just that. . .talk. He might do a couple of the things and I will be okay with it. I wish we could spend the money together but it's not my right to ask for it now. He did say he could give me some though, since I am stressed about debt.

So I am going to drop him off on Tuesday and say goodbye and then come home and change and go hit the streets to fill out job applications. I am just gonna go anywhere and everywhere. He is too stressed about leaving to think/talk too much about the move out plan and since I want to be out in the next month to month and a half I am just going to focus on getting my second job and then talking to him when that happens. I can say "either I move into a one bedroom that I can afford now" or "I can move into a two bedroom and you can help pay until you get home and move in" or "I can wait till you get back and we can pick something out together." Until I get my second job there is not much point in discussing it because he just gets overwhelmed. So I will wait a little while, let him get settled in and then see what he wants to do.

So I guess once he leaves I will be back to my original GAL goals.

Also. . .since I have you both here I will type out my goodbye letter and let you hack away!

My Dearest Love,

It's always hard to say goodbye to you, even if only for a little while. I want you to know that I am happy for you and very proud of you as you move forward on this path that you have chosen. It's hard for me at times but I will always support you. I admire the strength and determination you have shown during the many ups and downs you have faced with the military this past year.

I will be praying for you everyday that you are away. And I will be here waiting for you to come home again. I hope that when you come home we can find a way to work things out and that this will be the last separation we have to go through.

I'm sorry that it took losing you to open my eyes and see how much I want and need you in my life. I hope that we have a long, happy future ahead of us.

Think of me often and remember how much I love you.

Stay strong Bebe.

Love Always,

Daisy