Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? I guess it's over

Last night I was online surfing the web, reading the boards, IMing my non-date friend. Out of nowhere my H sends an IM to say hi and to let me know he paid DD rent (which probably why he and SS went to see her last Friday) and to ask what I had planned for her 21st bday next week. I said I was having a hard time nailing her down but I had discussed taking her out to a dance club and he said "yeah, that would be fun. How about the 4 of us go out to dinner and then to a club?" (The 4 of us being he and I and our kids.) I sent DD a text and asked what she thought and she enthusiastically said yes.

So he is asking how I am etc; and now that I think about it, I should have told him I am going to tons of meetups. oh well.
Snipits of convo:
I said something silly and he says
H"U want me?"
Me "oh, you mean YOU want ME?"
H "Always"
H "And Forever"
-I take it down a notch and reference Napolean Dynamite's brother Skip singing Always and Forever

Later with no preamble from me:
Me "Admit it"
H "Admit what?"
Me "Just admit it"
H "That I miss you? Sure I do"
H"And you miss me too"
I tried to dodge unsuccessfully

Little flirty stuff
Says he's tired so I say good night and then
H "Unless you want me to come over"
H "Just kidding'
H "not"
H "Just kidding"
H "not"
verbally joust a bit and I say "which one are you? The cat or the mouse?"
He picks the cat and says
H "I know where you hide, I can find you"
H "But I need a ploy to entice you out"
Me "You may know where I hide, but the mouse is smart and will not be fooled by "ploys""
H "Yeah, I know that"

In the end, I never said that he could come over (of course!).
Peppered thru out the conversation he would make comments such as "You know me all too well" and "I know you all too well"
He said he missed the prairie dogs too.

I have a quote on my IM that sort of reflects me current state of mind "Life's like a d!ck;when it gets hard "Screw it"" He made a comment about liking the quote and asked if I thought life was hard. I said that I sort of had a "F it. Whatever" attitude right now and he goes "no" "no no" "no, not that" "poor thing" He wanted me to talk about it and I said that I thought he must have misunderstood. That I meant it in an agressive way, not in a dispondent way. Then he said "ah. okay."
Part of me is insulted that he thinks so highly of my love for him that he would take it to mean I am on the verge of checking out; but the other part of me is glad that he at least cares enough to want to make sure I'm ok.

WHY are we not together??????? What "dot" am I not connecting? How you can want someone, miss them, consider them your friend, etc and still walk away from them?

Here's where I need help; at the end of the convo he mentioned that he had decided to stay with his current job, which means lots of changes.
We talked about the insurance being changed over. I asked when that would happen and he said next month. I was a little worried because I just got a physical and mammogram, so I said something like "Good, because I just got a mammogram and stuff" and of course he says "I got your mammogram right here."
ANYway- obviously, he knows we are married, haven't filed etc and will be moving me over to the new insurance plan.

He was very forthcoming about what his signing bonus would be, what sort of yearly bonuses he would get, the pay raise, etc. (Which I find a little interesting that he still shares this info with me; of course, even if he didn't, I would find out when we do 2008 taxes, so it doesn't really matter.) Part of making the switch means that the stock vestings will have to be liquidated. Those are technically half mine. How do I bring up that I want half that money without bringing up filing?

It's like that old joke about the guy walking down the street to a hotel room with his girlfriend, and she's looking in the windows of all the jewelry stores. He's says, "I'm gonna buy that for you, and I want you to have that, but first let's go to the room." So they go to the room and have sex. Then they go back down to the street and she tries to pull him into the jewelry store. He says, "No. Not today." So she asks why he's not buying her what he said he would. He says, "Oh baby, when I'm hard, I'm soft. And when I'm soft, I'm hard!"

I dont know Trixi... your H clearly still cares alot about you and loves you, but he just cant commit, right? You could keep waiting and not file... or say "f it" as you said, and ditch him. How about wait and see how your night out goes !?

Its positive he is still IMing and reaching out and it looks like you handled it really well in your responses.

I'm a hopeless romantic, I believe people can work it out if theres love and a willingness. Depends if hes willing, right.

Ali xxx

Sara so diplomatically says it's "booty call" (or at least an attempt at one) and sweet Ali sees it as positive. So funny how people can view the same sitch so differently.

Yes, I do believe if he was willing, we could have an amazing marriage. Too bad it actually takes TWO.

This time, I will NOT be suckered in. He will have to work just as hard to get in my pants as any other fellow. And I will say as much, too.

He saw me online earlier and we "talked" a little bit; then he had to get back to work and asked if I would be around later this afternoon and that he would IM or Text me later. We'll see. Not holding my breath.

Tonight I am going out dancing with a GF and her BF. Not sure what I am doing tomorrow- might go on quasi 4x4 excursion, might go to house party, might go to halloween party..lots of choices. Might opt to stay home and get on the torch.

Hi Trixi,

I just read your sitch.. My advice would be to pull back even more- literally don't respond to his messages at all! If he fears losing you, make him realize that's what he's going to get (but you can do this without filing papers) The flirting thing definitely seems to be helping you too I think. Also, I think WAS's can be motivated by seeing other new people interested in you-doesn't need to be a date or anything, just a new guy 'friend' or something. If it helps, start to think of him as X or stbx to help feel more distance from him. My stbx seems to respond to my distance. I'm dealing with the same fun issue, wants to be friends but doesn't want an R. BTW, my stbx is a musician too- and I'm also in PNW

Must be something in the water!

My H did briefly send me an IM. He asked if I had a fax machine (yes) and then asked if he could use it. I asked when and he said either later on in the evening or today. I told him I was leaving around 9 (we were IMing at 6:30) so today would be better. So, he is supposed to come over today around noon.

It wasn't til I was on my way to the casino/dance club that I realized he is driving an awfully long ways to use a fax machine when he could go down the road to a kinkos. I'll assume he doesn't realize how many places there are to fax things.

Anyway, I think I might bring up the sitch about the stock being liquidated. Not sure how to lead into it. Like I said, I really don't want to get into a divorce talk. But I also think that I should get to "control" my portion of it. And I freaking need the money to get me thru this time while the market is so slow.

So back to my question from the other day- can anyone think of a "nice" way to say "Gimme my half"?

Hey Trixi-

Sounds like he's making excuses to see you- that is a good thing. Do you have a legal separation agreement in place? You might want to look into that- it will protect you and give you what you need financially. Or if you guys are friendly and you think you can negotiate without a lawyer- I would just ask him for the money. Bottom line though, if you pull back from him more it might help him realize that he may lose you and motivate him towards your R. Have you considered going dark on him more? Does he know that other men may be interested in you and that you don't "need" him anymore?

I'm weak. weak weak weak.
W-E-A-K
I don't think I need to elaborate on that, right?

H came over to do the fax. He asked how my business was going and I told him not so great; so I saw that as my opportunity to mention the stock.

He at first said he wanted to use the money to pay down our second mortgage and I said that I wasn't so keen on that idea; that I would prefer it in cash and he said okay. He also mentioned that he was assuming he would need to pay me more monthly, but I needed to go and get a 'real' job until real estate picks back up.

He said that he really was just wanting some time, but I was talking about moving in together and he's not ready. He is still confused a great deal. He said that he feels like it's best that I am not at the house with his son and the young roommate; that I would be irritated by the situation. The rest of the exact quote was this "Son won't be at the house for too long; I just want to help him get on his feet. And [25 yo roommate] won't be living with me forever, either, but for now, I am dealing with them"
He did mention that he still wants to see what's going to happen with the band.
He mentioned the "needing time" thing more than once.
He is confused for (partially) the same reason I am. (ie, we have a fantastic chemistry, we like/love each other-so what's the problem?)

He asked if I would be able to keep renting for awhile and I said that my landlord actually wanted to sell after my lease was up (end of the year), but that he would carry a note and my H's eyes got big. He said "Well, this is the time to buy; can you get a good deal?" (yes) He then said that if I get it for a decent price, then it'll be a good rental. He even started to say that he could maybe get into his 401k for a down, but I told him that was not necessary or a good idea.

I'm too tired to think anymore-- I think there are more interesting points, but I am not thinking clearly.

Looks like we were posting at the same time.


He does know that some guys are sort of around, but I think I made a strategic error. He was saying that he sometimes thinks we "just aren't right for each other' but other times..."and I hopped in with "well, chemistry isn't something that is super easy to find. I mean, I have a few guys that are interested and I am like "meh" because there isn't that certain "je ne sais quois"." He does know that there was the guy that fixed my mower and he said something to the effect of putting my feminine wiles to work. {eye roll-that was NOT what I was doing, but whatever.}

Oh, he was wearing a shirt from a LONG time ago and he says "Look I still have this shirt; I haven't worn it for such a long time. And that girl was totally flirting with me and you didn't do anything about it!You just stood idley by." (I do not have a strong recollection of this incident. Sorta vaguely. maybe. This would be back when I was thyroid impaired.) I asked if he would have liked it if I would have said "back off, beyotch" and he said that he would have because it would have been appropriate; but then I got all po'd on the Costa rica trip when he was talking with [gal] and there was nothing there. IOW, I got mad at an inappropriate time and not when I should have. *sigh* I just said "well, I'm not perfect." He mentioned the girl flirting with him more than once and me not "doing" anything about it. I am not sure exactly what he was looking for--was he wanting to know I loved him enough to fight for him? Or that I was confident enough to take on another woman? Okay, I 'get' that I didn't do something he needed back then, but cheeze-us, Mary and Joseph, haven't I shown that I would fight for him now??

I did agree that it IS probably best I am not at the house right now.

Sucked right back in. You know, based on his question "can you keep renting?"; offering to figure out a way to make sure I can buy this house; stating that it will be a good rental (especially since there will be rental duplexes right next to me); saying he just needs more time; clarifying that having his son and young roommate are only temporary things; his past statements that we can always remarry later if we got a divorce...it seems like he knows in his heart of hearts we'll eventually be back together, but he can't make that promise right now.
OR he is the KING of string-along-land.

Reading it, it seems obvious he's great at stringing me along. But if you saw us in person, you would see that he really seems sincere.

I was talking with a friend yesterday and she mentioned that her exH was a drummer in a band and how she would have to occassionally tell the women (especially waitresses) to back the heck off.
I felt like she might have told me something important.
*Way back in Jan of 07 he had said he was afraid he would cheat because "you know how women are with the lead singer of a band". (He was not in a band at that point; he still kind of isn't given they have never played anywhere.)
*He has said he wanted me to be sassier, not so wimpy
*Now he has brought up that girl flirting with him and me not doing anything about it

Is testing me to see if I would fight for him if his band ever does play live and a girl hits on him? Or is him complaining about that just another red herring?