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LE,

I just wanted to reply to your post:
>>I feel like my W is owed the benefit of the doubt because of her abuse.<<

Abuse isn't a cause for someone having an affair (although it is a convenient excuse). The problem is someone allowing a boundry to be crossed. I think some people are just better at sticking to boundries than others.

Although LE, your friendship with this woman could be considered an EA... even if she is so very faraway. Unless your wife knew about the conversations and was part of them you had an EA. If it's not something you share with a spouse, it's an EA.

Sorry dude!!! You are busted!!! :-p

One more thing. I personally don't think you are ready for surviving. You are NOT LEGALLY DIVORCED YET!!!! Until that last paper is signed and it's over (or maybe you are a month away from the last signature) you should be in separated or infidelity. That's my two cents.

Although I've noticed a lot of people consider just filing as actually "being divorced." I think it helps those who initialize it to feel less guilty about dating others or starting a new relationship right away.

(I personally think it just reflects back on how disrepectful they can be towards a relationship that had once been important in their life... a "throwaway attitude" towards something that had once been extremely valuable and important).

LE - My heart goes out to you. Only can only be the best LE you can right now. Your too emotionally tied to her actions right now. Prob because of the kids and how it hurts them. Might just want to go as dark as possible until she decides what's going on. Make sure your doing your 180.

Again, that sitch sucks but you have to decide if it's worth it. Having the same issue myself.

I thought about it being considered an EA, but my W did know about it at the time. I revealed it to W, trying to get some emotion out of W that she still cared for me. This was two years ago after my work trip where I met OW and we were piecing after W's first A. If I were pursuing an intimate relationship with this woman, I would say sure it was an EA. However, I share more about me and my feelings with the people here on the boards than I have this friend, so am I guilty of an EA? I don't feel any guilt and I don't feel I am in denial. If my W wanted to see any of the e-mails we've exchanged, I would be OK with letting her read them. OW had a simialr experience with her H, and the common ground of our situations made it easy for me to talk to her. That she lives in your state root makes it even easier, because I know that is another deterrent to developing a relationship with her.

I do not want another relationship. I feel like that will hamper my healing after the D. I need to be a dad first, son second, boyfriend a distant third.

I'll just stay here, I've only crossed 300 posts and I still feel like a newb! I'll wait and see what W does. Maybe she will have a total meltdown this week. I doubt it, and not going to hold my breath.

LE - people will have different opinions re when it's ight to start other, date others or start a new R and each to their own. You know where I'm at bruv. However, I would suggest that you think whether you being done now is partly due to the OW you are talking too ? Think about it hard and if you are done as you want to be able to look back and realise you gave it your all. I sense your W is not 100% gone herself, just in the middle of some real bad heavy fog.

Keep being the great dad you obviously are and always remain the caring H as much as you can. Others go towards hate almost and I hope not to. I've not yet, but my mediation hasn't started and that's when it could get like that I guess.

LE

Hang in there, man you will know when u have had all u can handle. Just remember, 48 hrs, we all know we have no chance with our W until the OM is gone. Then that is when we really have to decide. Yes u need to be prepared for urself if the D goes thru. And being by ur kids would be great.

Like u have been such a good supporter for me, u dont have to make definate decisons now. Just be prepared for D and protecting urself and beeing with ur kids. Like i said u will know when u are really finished. By all means shared custody would be great. Continue what ur doing for urself. Im like u, i have to let go, easier said than done i know. Like the saying is, if u love something let it go, if it was met to be it will come back. So lets start together letting go. Hang in the buddy, we will make it.

OW is not a factor in my being ready to move on.

OM giving my W a ring and her wearing it is a bigger factor in feeling I am done. I felt done last week, but the revelation about the ring sort of cemented it for me. That I could laugh about it and not cry was another indicator. W is just lost and miserable, and OM is the quick fix to her feelings.

I've spent more time on these boards than I have on e-mails with OW. I think too much of my kids to go out and make the same mistakes my W is making. When the time comes for a new R, I will try to start at my church, so our religious beliefs are paralleled. For now any R but my M will just complicate my life and would be a disaster.

LE, I'd move closer to your kids if you can financially afford to. They are way more important than anything else in life.

mC--Agreed. They need the stability I could provide. I think I can change my work schedule to be there for them after school. That would be ideal. I got out of town so W would realize how much work that life after D would be. Apparently, that plan didn't work. She is now relying on OM to help her with the kids.

W is working with her attorney to come up with a parenting plan based on temp orders where I see them every other weekend. I am going to let her go forward with that plan and give it to my atty, then I'll counter with sole custody and settle for shared. Shared will mean no child support that she is counting on from me. That will throw a kink into her evil plan.