Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again No more looking 4 Happy, Going to create it myself

First of all I think you did great. I think FG would be proud of you. You did work and worked with no emotion. I loved the part of the Desperate Housewives too along with the comment of not going to cry again...

As for what to do now. Do you really have to make a decision? I dont think so. You are here to rebuild your R with your H. Even if he didnt tell you exactly what you wanted to hear, he confirmed he wants it to work. He even wrote 4 pages on his notebook!!!! That alone is different, isnt it?

As Ali said, I am sure too it takes time. Why dont you try this book everybody keeps mentioning here?

And sis..., how about relaxing some and act "as if" your M is fine? Take a break. I think you need it.
K

One break, coming right up. I am tired of "working" so hard, so not working will be "doing something different" for me!

bbj,

Loved Sara's anology of the shoes. It sounds like more of the same from your h. but, give it time. he did come home and sit next to you and touch you. i just hope he builds on this. just a few of those little shows of affection go a long way....wouldnt you agree?. i dont think was realize this.

(((((((BobbiJo)))))))

Perhaps when you get a chance (and I know how hard that can be!) you should take a trip to kind of get away and take care of yourself a bit, like you were planning before? It might help recharge you, so that you can give him some time.

BBJ,

Funny that I came up with shoes, and he's not able to decide on them either. But it isn't really the same. He has decided on you and not OW. But he doesn't show that he values you.

I think you are close to finishing the Post sessions. When we got to the next to last one, I think the homework was something to the effect of "go home and forgive each other for what you are holding against them." We did the first part....we went home. But nothing changed. And we went back the next week and graduated, but the hard work wasn't done. So this troubled me. I brought up the forgiveness thing, and he said he would think about it. But he was holding against me stuff from the beginning of our marriage when I asked my father for marital advice, rather than just listening to my husband. I felt that if he could justify an affair based on conversations I had 20 years ago, I was lost.

So I pulled out all the guns in my arsenal. I had him read what Michele says about forgiveness in DB, and what Retro says, and I think I had another reference too. He never said he forgave me, (he's not much of a talker), but after that he was better. And when I got a windfall of money a few months later I offered to pay off some debts in exchange for him dropping his resentments. Maybe that was what worked.

I agree with the others though, take a break if you can. I think the 4 page response and long discussion after shows that he IS with you. Hopefully the rest will fall into place.

FWIW-- It took us a while to get where we are now (really, really, amazingly great). He was NOT fighting for us and I was angry after all the fighting I did for us. I guess I hadn't truly forgiven him for taking away the innocence. For the way I felt every morning when I awoke and thought of his being with someone else. For the insecurity I felt when ML-- the fear that he thought of her then,or when we heard a song that came out during that time... a movie I wondered if he watched with her. I woke up and chose to trust him with my heart every day. But part of me could not.

We got into some horrible fights and all the resentment came out and I almost went back home a few times. Not the healthiest way to "dialogue", I assure you. But getting to the point where we almost lost each other again kind of shifted our focus and jolted us into getting over each hurdle.

Another thing Ali wrote to Kalni hit me, because I know it's true. One of the things that absolutely sent him from scared, feeling bad about himself and insecure that he'd ever be able to make me happy was when I forgave him. The fact that I fought for us when he couldn't really hit him. Hard.

What Sara says... I can't imagine going to our son's graduation or our grandchild's birthday party with someone else. The memories we've made for the last 20 years mean even more because we've had to work so damn hard to get to where we are now.

The last triggers were in the past hurricane season-- that's how he met her, rebuilding her deli/tavern after Katrina. I even called Sara... I was afraid they'd call each other after/during Gustav and Ike to make sure they were ok. The last one was this past September 12. We celebrated our anniversary in that city, during Ike, and I worried that places we went were places he went with her. It was me, BobbiJo, he doesn't ever think about her in that way and visibly shudders when I bring her up.

I'm just trying to say it takes time and consistency. Time CAN allow everything to fall into place. I agree with Kalni and Sara... take a break and let all this "marinate". You can kick him out any time in the next 50 years. I used to tell H I was going to hit him over the head with my cane for this when we're in our 80's. I just remember feeling so hopeless, that he'd never fight for me. And now, I know, from the bottom of my heart, he'll never do anything to hurt me again. I think he may have given us another chance because of the kids, but he's here now because of US.

Deauxlie makes a good point. I often hear on these boards something to the effect of "I don't want him to stay because he has no better options, I want him to stay because he wants to be with me." Yeah, OK. But reasons change all the time. Staying is what is important. He can stay for one reason today and for a different reason later. We were like that too. At first we were weak, and he stayed because it was "the right thing". But over time we experienced smoother sailing. We had happy experiences together. Now I see love in his eyes. Now he is proud to show me off to his friends. A turning point is just that -- a turning point. It's not the finish line. You are doing well. Keep using those Retro tools. You are getting stronger together.

BBJ..I just want to tell you that I'm really proud of you. All these others posters have given you good advice and I can't add to it..just know I'm proud of you..You have done really good and are one hell of a woman..

He does not know how lucky he is.

Thanks guys. Just minimal updates:

H e-mailed me a copy of his itinerary for his upcoming business trip yesterday. It was the literal, hour-by-hour rundown of his 3 day trip. Lucky dog, he is going to Scottsdale, AZ for a golfing retreat with various vendors.........

Last night I came out from my shower and H had his phone sitting on the chair I usually sit on, in full view. He has had it out in my presence for several weeks now.

On a personal note, I ran 5 1/2 miles yesterday! Counting my cool-down, I covered a full 10K, or 6.25 miles. My race is Sunday.

Thanks for all the support. Hearing you all (esp. the guys!) say I am a helluva woman really helps me to remember that I AM a pretty great person despite the choices my H has made to look for greener pastures. The more confident I am, the better I am able to do all of this with minimal emotion/wimpiness.

The better I feel about me, the better I look to H, too, I imagine..........

I meant to comment on this earlier but any woman who know's how to play Stratego scores big points in my book. Don't tell me you know how to play Risk as well?