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And I think he tried to bait me on IM a little asked when I was coming back again and how long I would be staying...just said how long he'd said to stay and that I had to go back to work.

Why can't this just be easy?

ITH

Don't assume ITH, you were patient and he reached out for you. Had you reached out to him he would have felt pressured and it was *his* decision that you stay. I think that is the important thing.

Act as if; don't create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Thanks JCJ...

I'm sure going to try to act as-if!!!

I just want to live at home again, with him, more than anything I've ever wanted in my life. I keep picturing myself asking him about it, and then realize how counterproductive this would be...I have to hang tight, and be cool. Tonight I get there at 11. I know this timing annoys him, because he's said so previously, not assuming :).

I will need to do my best to come in fresh and happy, and as-if I need nothing other than to sleep. It's just so weird to have this alien in my life...

I feel like he is on the verge of completely softening, but I need to tread very lightly as if I push too hard he may pull back again.

Will post tomorrow morning with any updates :).

ITH

To quote the Beach Boys, wouldn't it be nice...
I am longing to sit down and have a really long in-depth convo with my h where I could explain everything and he would hear it as I wished him to and agree - I actually thought that was how I could solve things for a looooong while!


There is nothing you can do about that... plane times are plane times. I think these flying visits are good in a way, good preparation for the move back.

Hope it goes well, I'm sending good vibes over!

(((ITH)))

Hi Julia,

Thanks. You're right-there's nothing I can do about the plane times, and he knew when he offered.

Thing is he offered as "I guess you can stay here". I said "I don't want to crowd your space," so at least I didn't jump on the offer too quickly...

In terms of deep convos with H, he feels like there was no intimacy before, so I actually think he needs these. He has brought up nearly every R talk to date. I do think another will be coming soon too. It's his style. Also, Jody said he needs to feel heard. This means I get to listen to loads of junk. Still, with every conversation over the past few weeks, I've gotten to get one thing through to him.

A few weeks ago it was giving our M a chance. Really, it was me asking loads of questions and explaining why I was OK. Anger turned to acceptance. Last week we had that R talk that was so horrid I've blocked out many details. Nevertheless, the trial living situation came from me talking about him pushing me away. I am not sure what else I could get across when and if he starts an R talk, but I want it to be moving in together permanently followed by a clean slate for our marriage...

OK just in the cab on the way to the Paris airport now.in about 4 hours I'll be hopping into bed with H (too bad I'm ragged from a day of interviews!). I'll post tomorrow. Thanks for the good vibes. Am working on thinking them for myself too.

ITH

Ok,

About last night. No R talks. I decided to act as-if everything was normal and we were back together. I hyped myself up about this on the plane too.when I landed I even texted to say I'd arrived.

I showed up and acted really happy to see him, but there was no hug or anything. We talked about random things for awhile. One good thing was that he started mentioning friends with kids. Previously he had been talking only about single friends. I have this feeling that he actually wants kids and this is one of those hidden issues. I know it's not the time to bring it up directly, but I may start inserting kids into conversations and see how he reacts.

So we went to bed, and he read and I dealt with the light being on til very late, and said nothing (180). There was no ML, but he joked about how he knew I wanted it. I didn't care because I knew we still would. We joked around about other things. It was so normal. Then during the night he woke me up for ML. Again, sorry if TMI, but this was the first time in awhile that it wasn't just sort of rough and like him getting his way. I felt emotion. This morning, we joked around for awhile again. In fact he has just found out that he has to fly somewhere today, so I changed my ticket to stay at the house with the dogs. I'll fly to Poland tomorrow.

He said that maybe this weekend we could jog together, actually a very big deal for him. So everything is just so right. I wonder what it will take to just take that leap of faith and say let's try this...

Anyway I decided to leave the house for a bit. I'm at Starbucks, and offered to go to the bank and pay on his credit card and pick up some stuff from the store. I hope he's seeing this in the same way I am...I feel soooo happy and lucky to be with him.Also, FYI, I saw that he had IMd me a lot when I was offline yesterday.

Please keep sending me good vibes. At some point I want to test the waters with a new experiment, but am not sure what that could be. My hope is still that he has a lot to drink Thursday and is a bit more open with me, in a good way...

I'm back to the house shortly, where who knows what will happen, but I am remaining in as-if mode.

ITH

Hey ITH,
Sounds like you had a fantastic night!!! And yay for the emotional s*x, I am sure your female intuition was bang on there. I am reading and thinking that unlike alot of us, you are in a pretty standard DB position.. he can see you are trying and making changes, but he hasnt yet got the confidence in himself to try the R again, it can take ages from what I understand, for the WAS to trust the changes the LBS has made as ones that are going to stick and that things wont be like they were before. On top of that, seems he has some pretty generic MLC crap going on in his head too.. and debating kids in his head is I am sure part of that (as that is a HUGE commitment right). Has he ever expressed a broodiness before?

I thikn that communication will improve generally as the week progresses, so heres definetly sending you good vibes for Thursday!

Ali xxx

Uh oh,

We just had an hour-long BAD R conversation, and just before he left in the cab for his biz trip. He was asking about the dates I was here again, and then when I was going to my friend's. I kept trying to leave the room and the conversation, but he kept going with it, and I made the mistake of saying that I thought things were going well here.

Then he kept saying that he didn't know if he could be happy with me, and I was so not being DB appropriate. I kept trying to talk him into things, and saying that couldn't he focus on the positives, and he was saying things like I might just need to let him go, and he just wasn't feeling very in love, though he did admit to loving me at least. I think I pushed him pretty hard, and I really wasn't trying to. I just couldn't help it, or so I felt. I am pretty upset right now as he has left, and I won't see him again until late Thursday night, so I left him with not positive memories of me being pretty weak and needy. I asked him could he not think about the positive things that could happen, and of course he wants only to think about the negatives, and that things are just so broken right now. He said he didn't feel good with me in the house, just neutral. His actions totally told me otherwise. I am pretty worried now. I hope I have not erased all of the positive ground that I thought we'd gained. Or maybe I've just been deluding myself. He said he is trying now, but he just doesn't know how much more he can try.

I don't know what to think now. The only positive thing that came from that conversation was that he said he loves me, but it came with the INILWY speech. I said that I loved him too. I even cried a little bit, though not at that part. At that part I asked didn't he think that every marriage had times where people didn't feel in love, and he said he supposed so. He said that he always thinks about everything I say, when I asked him could he not just think about the positive things for awhile. Now I am worried because he has 2 days to really ruminate on that negative discussion we had; I did not leave him with a good, positive impression. I don't know what to do. I am feeling really lost right now. I don't know what to believe, and I don't know if I pushed him further away from me. I said I wanted to just take things one day at a time, and he said he needs certainty. This is why he is insisting on putting deadlines on things, which I don't think is good. I can't stop crying right now, now that he's left, and I really, really don't know what my next move should be. I am worried that he will send some emotional email or something. He talks like it is over, but when we don't talk about things, it feels like everything is good.

I guess my best hope now is that Thursday night he comes home drunk enough to be nicer and more open. I am feeling scared...

Ali--I hope you're right that communication improves. Today was certainly not the best day that we've had communication-wise.

--ITH

(((((((((((((ITH)))))))))))))))

You were doing so good and it sounded like a great night that you guys had together.

I'm so sorry about the backslide but you can't make him see things. That has to be on his own terms especially since he has this problem about you 'controllin' things. If you are telling him how to feel about how things went in his eyes that is you controlling him.

Can I ask how did all of this R talk come up?

You still have Thursday...don't cry or stress too much about it. You have to be strong sweetie!! Go through everything in your head to avoid this happening again. You now know how he can push your buttons so try to figure out a way that you can control your emotions so that next time you know how not to get over emotional. Hang in there and think about the great night that you had and that jog you guys are going yo have this weekend coming up.

Hi Sep,

It WAS a great night and it was a great morning too!

I know I can't make him feel things...it's so hard though because I know he DOES feel these things at heart. I did say several times during the conversation that I knew I couldn't tell him how to feel, and that at the end of the day I wanted him to want to be with me, because he wanted to. I hope he understood this, but I was pretty bad. At least I wasn't hysterical or yelling or anything though. It really could have been worse, but shouldn't have happened at all. There were a LOT of things said, so many that I am starting to block out the conversation. I am going to grab onto the ILY for the moment and try to be content with that.

The R talk is horrifying. He was in his room packing and asked about dates again, when I would be at the house, and I said Thursday, and tried to leave the room, then he asked some other dates questions and if I would be staying at my friend's house, and I said "if you want me to." Then he got very agitated, and I don't remember what he said, but I said that I had thought things were going really well here. Of course he started saying mean things like they were tolerable, and it was "alright" to have me around. Thing is I KNEW that he was going to bait me into an R talk. However I probably should have just said that yes of course I was staying at my friend's house on those dates, and maybe it could have been avoided. Whenever dates come up, he starts getting really agitated. He has to have certainty around everything now, which is why I am panicking a bit. He doesn't know how much longer he can take the uncertainty with us and feels that it is what is making him unhappy, but he is afraid that he cannot be happy with me.

Thing is I doubt we will have a jog over the weekend now. I'm sort of back to scratch with him trusting me I think. It's just that every single action was telling me he wanted me there, even his words were telling me that until that evil conversation. So he flies back to Dublin tomorrow night at 9 PM, and then I fly here at around 1 PM on Thursday. Unless I see him online tomorrow, we are unlikely to talk before Thursday, when he will come home very late, like 2-3 AM. I am just PRAYING that Thursday night he will let his guard down with me a whole lot. I did send him an email this afternoon after he left, probably another shouldn't have, but I felt so terrible about him leaving to catch a flight straight from that conversation:

"That wasn't very cool of me to be pushy today.
Hope it did not get your trip off to a bad start. I don't want to go into it much by email or at all, just to say that I realize I was acting disrespectful of your feelings. I think you're brave for being willing to try in any way especially since you're feeling so conflicted and have just come out of being so unhappy. I only want to make you smile and laugh, not make you sad. At the end of it all if I make you sad and not happy and comfortable, then you don't need me in your life. Guess we'll see."

Ugh, ugh, ugh. He lands tonight at 9 PM, so doubt that I'll even see him online tonight or anything. I am feeling sick. I think I need to read the Secret for awhile. I have to believe that something positive came out of this.

ITH