Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Trying2Live-New Post #2

Looks like the gang's all here even my sorry self. As mentioned I have been having a rough patch, and my therapist T2L pulled me through...LOL {{{hugs, kisses and strength}}}}.

I have been trying to do the love bank and sortva a Plan A, trying to be nice but blowing it every couple days. I've decided that this is too difficult to do because my emotions are still too raw. Especially does not help when I see the OW at work. An example of this today is OW was in training class sitting in back. I was in the front and it was driving me crazy, well the class was about conflict resolution, so the trainer asks me how I currently handle conflict, so I say as in a joke "well I am Italian, so I don't get mad -- I get even", the class laughs and then I say "always get even no matter how long it takes", then I turn around and look straight at OW, she looked pale. I enjoyed it by myself.

But with my H, I have decided to step back - not no contact but totally detach unless absolutely have to. No friendship at work, will avoid H at all costs. If H stops over after dropping D off I will be out -- till he leaves, not be available. My D28 talked to H about an hour tonight. She said he was very depressed. He did say that I was controlling and we had problems. She said well you should have talked to her about it. She also told him that D15 was mad at him since she felt he was no longer a role model for her. D said that what happens if I and D15 left Tx and went back to CT -- H would have no family around him. Will see what happens. But I need for my own sanity to get out of the way for awhile, then maybe I will be strong enough to do Plan A.

T2L is leading the pack. You know we are all rooting for you. I pray everyday for my friends on this stich. H does not know what is hitting him -- Bam DB attack. We can all learn from what you are doing.

Marisol, I think the OW is playing the pretend prego card. Just for attention. She is a 21 year old child that has the attention of an older man. It will get boring for her after awhile. I agree about my D also, originally I tried to keep peace with her and H but now I think she is old enough to decide how she wants to handle it. Need less control and more let go.

Twinhope, sounds like your H is "turning the other cheek", you are confusing him. This is exactly the reaction you want. Keep it up. When he picks up the twins and brings them around the Ow -- give them prune juice first. That will discourage her! We are all taking babysteps here.

JGrind or should I say "Ms. Assertive", how proud we are of you. Doing the landscaping. You go girl! it is discouraging on a daily basis. I know how tough it will be for that anniversary - work, hide, do anything but acknowledge the day especially to H. All these pesky holidays keep popping up. I was in the store yesterday and they were putting up X-mas stuff and I almost started crying in Walmart. Ouch

TxMom, we are on the same page -- It is really a new and terrible time for us with them just recently leaving. I agree with T2L about him being in a fog and right now we have to be responsible for the kids. Tough yes, but if we were D we would still have to be in the long run. I will address this more in your stich.

Sorry this is so long but I had to come out of my own "depression fog", need to live one day at a time and keep going.

take care all. Tomorrow will be a better day.

I like posting information I get, if you can't tell that already LOL. If it helps me I like to share it, so here's some more I found.It's a little long but has tons of nuggets of gold in there...enjoy...
Extreme Self Care Is Vital
This is a time to slow your life down as much as possible. Pull back, pull in and quiet your mind as often as you can. Do what you feel is best for YOU. Pull back from being everyones caretaker and take care of yourself. What is happening inside of you emotionally is the equivalent to running a marathon every day. It's grueling and exhausting. It's time for you to be a little bit selfish. You don't owe people explanations and you don't have to defend your absence or lack of participation. It's your opportunity to learn how to say no without remorse or apologies. You also don't have to justify your mood or behavior to anyone. Eliminate whatever you can such as volunteer positions and unnecessary activities. If you practice daily health habits such as exercise and eating right, this is not the time to abandon them. Your body needs all the help it can get to stay strong during this time of stress. If you aren't very health conscious this is a good time to start. Just a few basics: drink at least eight cups of water a day, walk or do any physical movement for 30 minutes a day, lay off the junk food and soda and get as much sleep and rest as you can. A few basic health habits will go a long way right now.

Make no long term decisions for at least a year
While you may think you know what you have to do right now you are not in an emotional place to be able to trust your knowing. What things appear to be today is not necessarily what they will appear to be six months from now. You will go through many stages of awareness where your perspectives will most likely change. Sometimes over and over again. How you make decisions and what catalyzes those decisions will most likely change too. The goal is that when you do make decisions they have been made from a solid place and you can trust yourself fully that you are making a confident, informed decision. Knowledge is power and gaining that knowledge takes time.

Be very selective about who you tell
Pain this big is hard to cover up. By allowing others in to witness and share in our pain, it validates the pain. It's natural to want to tell others but these are early days and you are most likely in a highly emotional state right now without discernment of who can and cannot handle information like this in an appropriate way. People who have never experienced infidelity have a lot of judgments about it. When you are on the inside of infidelity you see it from a very different perspective. If someone had told those of us well into reconciliation before we discovered our husbands affairs we'd reconcile with them and forgive them, we would have told them they were nuts! But living it is a completely different thing. There is no way of telling how people will react to the news. Will they gossip? Will it get back to your children in a cruel way? Will they be cold towards your husband as you try to reconcile, damaging your reconciliation efforts? Will they be angry and berate your husband in an inappropriate way? Will they give you bad advice and try to sway you to their way of thinking even though they have no clue about what they are talking about? Will they make it about them and ignore your pain leaving you with more hurt and confusion? Even if you don't choose to reconcile your marriage it's important to announce what has happen in a way that allows YOU to heal and not have your pain in a fishbowl for all to see and judge.

If you choose to tell people make sure they are friends of the marriage. People who care equally for both of you and are vested in and supportive in seeing both of you do what is right for YOU, not them. People who are mature enough to put their own judgments, anger and opinions aside in order to hold a space of healing for both of you. With that said, it is likely there are very few, if any people in your circle who can do this. It's a tall order calling for very open hearted and wise persons. They are few and far between.

You are most likely traumatized
Something that isn't often talked about with regards to infidelity is the trauma factor. For many of us, finding out about our husband's affair put us in a state of trauma and as time went on we experienced post traumatic stress symptoms without knowing it. Many therapists do not address this as part of their treatment. Make no mistake, you have been through a severe trauma as dramatic as a car accident or any other disaster. You will most likely trigger from many things just like the car accident victim triggers into a panic when they hear screeching breaks after their accident. Triggers are common for many of us and they are hell. They hit you anytime and anywhere. Take the time to familiarize yourself with the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Get checked for STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) NOW!
As hard as it is to bring yourself to do this, do it! Right away and then again six months later. Many men will lie about using protection with the other woman in the beginning. Many of them, even the ones who seem like they are being up front and answering questions openly, will lie about this particular point because they are too ashamed to admit they jeopardized your health along with the humiliation of the affair. They feel its the crushing blow that will end the marriage. Even if you think your husband would be 'smarter than that', do it anyway. We have seen many, many well educated and highly intelligent men be completely stupid around this.

No contact has to be established if you are trying to reconcile your marriage
The affair has to be ended with you, the betrayed spouse, as a witness. It is important that your husband either writes a letter or calls the other woman ending all contact. It is important that he lets her know that you know all about the affair and it is over. Under no circumstances is she to contact him and if she does he will be informing you, the betrayed wife. The letter should be mailed in your presence or the phone call made in your presence. This does not guarantee they will refrain from contacting one another but it gives your husband a clean slate to move forward in reconciling the marriage if he chooses.

You are not crazy for staying in the marriage
One of the biggest things we struggle with as betrayed wives is wondering if we are crazy for staying with a man who has lied, cheated, rendered you and your children as insignificant in his quest for self gratification and above all broken sacred promises made in marriage vows. You are not crazy. Instead you are being prudent. Disassembling years of a marriage in the flash of a moment is not wise. And if you throw him out it is unlikely you'll ever get the answers or information you need to heal. Remember, knowledge is power.

If you're going to reconcile then you need to try to plant both feet in it
As hard as it may be, reconciling takes an incredible amount of commitment. At some point you will have to begin to take a look at your contribution to the deterioration of your marriage. It's obvious what he's done but often we, the betrayed spouses, were contributing without even knowing it. It is important to be able to start taking that in as a possibility. The alternative is to position yourself as a victim and stay there. Reconciliation can never happen from that place. And even if you don't reconcile, you can never heal from that place. It's normal and it's OK to feel victimized in the beginning. You have been in a big way! But by only having your victim ears and eyes open you will not be able to hear important things your husband may be telling you about what he's feeling or felt before he started the affair. Try to work at opening yourself to your role in the disintegration of your marriage. There is a solid distinction in that you had no role in his choice to have an affair but you may well have had a role in what was happening in the marriage that led him to having an affair. The affair is all on him though. The disintegration of your marriage is on both of you. This is where you need to focus your attention as much as possible if you're trying to reconcile. As much as your brain is screaming to get the details and you feel your salvation will come from having those details, the true salvation comes from going back and understanding what happen in your marriage that led to this as well as what is in your family of origin dynamics that contributed to this. This work can only be done with a well trained and qualified therapist.

T2L - You are so awesome! Thank you for sharing such great information with all of us....it really made me think. Pls be sure to keep us updated on your progress! We all want to know!!

Hope - I agree it may be a stunt by her. I am doing my best to only focus on praying to God to have him come back to his family. I have asked Him for strength, courage, and power to forgive, to let go, and to guide him and I on a new path of starting over with each other. I know that as time passes he will come out of the fog and into the light. I have this overwhelming feeling that he thinks of us every day and how he wants to come back. As long as I have this feeling and hope I know God will show me the right way. If it is with my H he will show me, if it is not with my H then he will show me that as well.

Hope just continue to be strong. The slips will happen but it is the power to come back from those slips and take two more steps forward that you will begin to heal, feel better, and know that this is not the end. It is only the beginning to something better for all of us. Life is not meant to be easy. These times make us so much more stronger as individuals. We can all get through this no matter what!

I am so grateful to have found this site. I am grateful that I have a job. I am grateful for my daughter. I am grateful to have a loving family. I am grateful for my supporting friends. I am grateful for my health. I am grateful to be alive. We must all say what we are grateful for every day. At least five things you are grateful for, say them every morning when you wake up and soon you will feel your vibrations and energy change. I have been and it is slowly helping me get through the harder days much easier.

Hi ladies and any newcomers to this post... this will be long so sorry in advance...

T2L - you are giving us some good information... thanks and keep it coming... Playing it neutral - I like it although hard to know exactly how to implement at times. You are doing great and hope for all of us... It is hard as I feel discouraged often of the fact that my H is fully involved in this relationship with OW something big would have to happen for him to hit his rock bottom and for the fog to lift.

Hope - you are struggling and I am praying for you... I pray for all of you. My first week with H out I had to detatch too..it was sooo hard to see him and easy when I didn't ... that is also when I started posting on this thread and started getting such good advice here.. I was able to start separating the OW from our M problems and could let my guard down.... take time for you and stay around positive people that keep you encouraged...

Marisol - we both have H that have gone off the deep end with 20 year old girls.... I find it hard that those girls will stick around but of course I have fear too... I don't want my H to marry her or have anymore kids... he never wanted more kids but he isn't telling her that - I just had this conversation with my H not too long ago and he said they haven't talked about that stuff yet... He will tell himself anything to justify what he is doing is ok... I want to tell my H - do you really want to be 43 or 45 and have babies in diapers... we already were older parents to begin with and were so glad to be done having kids so we could get them out of diapers... Does our H really want to put more kids to college or buy cars for them or never join the country club (which is a big deal for my golfer H) .... of course it would go in one ear and out the other... so you and I have those fears of H possibly having more kids ... what a joke ... I would die!!! day by day -

Jgrind - I posted on my thread about your sitch.. don't contact H friend... not now.. it will look and seem as a ploy to control him and his feelings... letting go is so hard but we must...

TwinHope - we are also in similar situations with our babies being so young... I will die if and when my H brings the OW around my kids ... I might go off the deep end... how do you get through it?? you will be my strength when the time comes.... He is also trying to keep you at arms length.. he can't handle you not wanting him ... he wants to keep all his options open... you are doing great by detatching and GALing...

OK updates on me and I'll post on my thread more details... I got into it with my H yesterday morning when he wasn't available when my 5 month old was choking.. most of you posted on my thread about this and thank you... nice to see some of you have already been there.... I realized that the "first" for everything will hurt and then I now know to not expect anything moving forward... I am traveling today and told him that I didn't need him watching the girls ... well last night and today via some post on my "newcomers" thread I realized that I need him to know that I trust him and that the girls need him too.. When I show my disappointment in him it only makes him feel worse about himself and validates that I don't make him feel good.

I sent him an email stating out some things - ie.. for him to call our D4 at a certain time and check on our 5 month old everyday so when my D ask about daddy I can tell her you'll talk to him later tonight .... Also that his phone is his only lifeline to the kids and that the ringer needs to be on and he needs to check it often when he is not with the girls.

So I called him this morning from the airport and told him again sorry for getting so upset yesterday on the phone. I told him it is just so hard for me to understand where his mind and heart is when it comes to the kids. I asked him that I would like him to watch the girls tonight and tomorrow until I return and he said he wants too but didn't know if I wanted him too. That he had a horrible day yesterday because of what happen.. he felt he has let the girls down and me. I reassured him that prior to all this happening to us that he has always been a wonderful father and I've always trusted him with them. That his girls always came first- told him he would have won the Dad of the year award...

I am going to continue to play neutral, nice, friendly and upbeat best I can ... I have gotten better and I don't talk R or OW often with him... BUT with mine and Marisol girls being so young with no kids it makes our H feel young and free and our OW don't have any other obligations to kids or house so they are always available to be free spirited...

Question then I'll rap it up.... I want to suggest counseling for him or us to help us handle this seperation better? Anyone do this with H while seperated? I know some have on other post ... He needs to b/c he is depressed but I know suggesting this will only turn him.... I also want to start inviting him to do things with us and the girls but affraid he'll turn us down

we'll see.... so hard still - day by day...

Hi Gang, today was busy, went on a busy trip for today to observe another mfg. site. It went well there. Then I got invited to go to the best place to eat in Town with the 2 woman and 2 guys that I had worked with for the day. I called H to let him know I was going to be out and check on D. He didn't answer so I hung up. Well on the way back from the site H kept calling me -- 9 missed calls in 1 hour! I know H wanted to talk about the mfg. site but I figured I did not want to talk work (as in be his friend), When I got home he called again and asked about my day, I said it was great but I can't talk that I was on my way out with the work people. H said have a good time and I said I definitely will. H kept calling D asking to spend time with her and she said no. He called here about 9:30 and I still was not home..it was a db detached evening. I keep praying this will help.

T2L thanks for the advice. It was good...as always. I am working hard now.

Marisol, grateful for this site and friends that I have made here. We both pray for the same thing.
Txmom, your right I was struggling but feel better for today. I think by detaching somewhat will help me. I just can't be on a Plan A yet. Emotions are too tough. Glad you are letting H stay with kids. Will keep him connected. One day at a time is all we can ask for.
take care all.

Ok ladies, I need some help....

I saw H yesterday. I asked him to come by and swap out the microwave above the stove. We changed the appliances when we moved into this rental and since I am moving out in two weeks I have to change them back.

Well as he is working he asks who I am dating these days. I say what does that matter? He says he was just trying to make small talk. I ask who he is dating (of course its OW). He says the only one that comes around is OW. He doesn't admit to actually being with her.

He then says that I look good and very pretty (of course I put on a cute top and my favorite jeans). He then gives me a hug and says that I have lost weight and I'm so thin (I was starting to gain but after all this I lost about 10 pounds). He then starts to make sexual comments and starts to get closer to me. Needless to say things got a bit intense and I did something I should not have.

Afterwards, he says we should not have done that because we are going through a divorce. He apologizes many times and says he did not want to hurt me anymore. He says it will never happen again. He was mad at himself for doing it and promised himself he wouldn't do anything like that but did anyway. He said he wants to change and in his next relationship he wants to be completely faithful maybe even start going to church. I ask well if that is what you want why don't you want to do that with us (I know bad move) and he said he doesn't love me the way that I love him. I told him I believe we have ended up where we are because we lost our emotional connection with one another. He says a few more things then leaves. He then calls me about 1/2 hour later and apologizes again. I tell him its human nature and the feelings that we have for one another. I assure him that he has not hurt me because it was my choice as well. I told him it would only be wrong if he was in a total committment with someone. He says he doesn't want to be sleeping around that it should only be with one person. All this stuff.... long story short I can't tell whether his actions are showing me he wants me back or that he loves me or that he was just 'in the mood' because maybe they don't ML every night or something. I really don't know. I do know he has bought natural pills to enhance his sexual drive so that makes me wonder if he can't perform with her? But he was definitely excited to see me! I just don't get it. I know that I backslid pretty far yesterday. I just could not help it to see that he was aroused by me and I felt the same way. We did not ML because it was that time of the month for me or else we would have.

But then he goes and sings the same song about not loving me the way that I love him and that we need to move on and stop holding on to this connection. That we have to close this door and move forward to other things. I do not want to give up on this marriage. I do want to close the door to our old relationship and open a new one. That is what I want. I didn't tell him that though, should I? Should I take this opportunity to tell him I am not going to sit back and watch this happen that I am going to stand up and fight? What do all of you think?

Any words would be greatly appreciated.....

Marisol, just read your post and I don't know how to respond. First, I think I would do the same since my H has not touched me for about 5 months and I have not come into that situation at all.

I think it might have frightened your H because he probably never saw it coming and just reacted and this might make him doubting himself about his new R with OW. Amazing they want to be "faithful" to the OW. H will probably avoid you for a bit. I would suggest now to "let it go" next time when you see him because he would expect for you to keep mentioning it and you can do a 180 and totally ignore it and I think it would have a bigger impact that he did not "rock your world" and come begging.

The vindictive side of me would post to the OW facebook and let her know that you were intimate with YOUR H but that might drive your H away more when he finds out about it. That is only an evil thought and not to be acted on~

T&L -- what do you think you always have the best advice.

I have been pretty good detaching. H called me today at work about 9:30 and I did not call him back till noon. He was home sick said he has been taking something Pm to sleep and he was up all night sick. I said I was feeling lousy also because I was a bit hungover and did not get home till late. (I didn't drink at all and was home 9:30)...dead silence on the phone. Then I asked if he needed soup or wanted anything dropped off and our D could run it to him and he said no. So I said "Gotta go -- I really hope you feel better" and hung up. This is a man who never calls in sick... Dont know what is going on with him. this stuff is tough.

Been reading surviving an affair. Very interesting -- half way through.

Thanks Hope for the advice. I did think about the same vindictive thing!!! How funny we are on the same page about things...although it was going to be a text message saying "did you know where your boyfriend was yesterday afternoon?" She would say no and I would say "in my bedroom" or something along those lines but that's the evil side. They were only thoughts and I was not going to act on them because yes I know he would have gotten pretty angry and it would have ended any possible hope of reconciliation.

He admitted to me that he thought about it and I know he did all day until it was time to come over. It's just crazy isn't it?

I'm proud of you Hope! You definitely made him think after you hung up. Good for you!! The detachment is working!! Keep it up!!

I will have to detach as well....

Oh and I did find out from my cousin who did work for the family court that since I was not properly served according to law that from the time he filled out the paperwork he has 120 days to properly serve me. She said that he will get a letter in the mail from that place where he did the paperwork warning him that the 120 day mark is approaching and that I must be properly served or the case will be dismissed. So basically I'm just going to wait until I am properly served. If I get properly served then I will proceed with the reconciliation request. Otherwise I'm just going to drag it out as long as possible.

Just thought I would share!!

Hey Marisol, I guess it is alright to have those twisted thoughts. Sometimes they get me through the day.
I think my H is really sick. My D did not hear from him all day. We drove by the apt he lives in and all the lights are off and his car is there. I do hope he is ok especially that he is alone and depressed.
If you know where the mail is delivered for H and when that letter will go out, get it out of the mail then H will have to start all over again and that will give you more time for him to change his mind. What the 'ell did he expect from a divorce from a divorce store????
How is everyone else doing...

Please help

D11 has lashed anger toward me 2nd day in row. Yells , says she hates me, I am rude and evil. Very minor things set her off. She says she feels like killing herself.

Warned H as he was on the way here to visit. He scolded her for being hurtful and disrespectful toward me. Says it is all about her not getting her way. Told me I needed to get her to doctor. I stewed listening to this and lost my cool. I didnt yell, but I was upset asking why he could blame this on her just not getting her way and accuse of being hurtful and disrespectful when he has hurt and disrespected them. Of course I brought up the A. He went on defense and says, so Im the one to blame for all this! I brought up his behavior with OW in front of them and her sleeping in his bed with him when D11 walked into his room that night. H said its not like that- that was a long time ago and the kids have me 100% when theyre with me.I said no Ive taken blame but you had choices to make and Im not to blame for those choices and their effect on this family. H says kids "feed " off me. And I said, you ask any of these kids, I have been a rock through this, but I do not deserve and will not tolerate this treatment from D11. H admits he "went about this the wrong way" and I said well its selfish! and stormed off.
Bad bad DB moment.

H had to leave for meeting as D11 continued her rage. She calmed down for awhile, but started again and I couldnt take it anymore. Had D11 call H. Then I called. Asked him please this has been really tough yesterday and today, please take them tonight and take off work tommorrow. I need your help. I can only be strong so much. Its so easy for you - you can just leave. Please. I cried . He was quiet on the other end. I said Im sorry for getting onto you earlier,(I forgot to apologize with a WE) but Im just worried about these kids. He says he is too but cannot take off work tommorrow. Only half day. I was speechless- he just chose his job and OW(I know she is there tonight) over his kids. I continued to cry and said Id let him go. He says OK and hangs up without a good- bye. WHY WHY! That was more hurtful than hearing "I dont love you anymore".

I think Im done. I have no more hope.