I have to keep my mouth shut. No damage was done nor did I say anything to hurt her.
Today, I told my wife that I want her to trust me. I told her how we're moving in different paths and I don't like it. I went out last night and would of rather have stayed home with her. Here's my problem: If I don't go out she will.
Finally, I told her that the way things are going is not how I want the rest of my life to be like.
I asked my W if she still believes in God; which she answered yes. Then I asked her if she still has doubts about being married to me; agin she answered yes.
I apologized for all the times I asked her to work on our M. The apology was b/c I was trying to do God's work; which I know I'm not qualified to do. I told my W to pray to God to help her make a decison about what she needs to do. I told her to ask the Holy Spirit to help guide her. Then I reminded her that I'm okay with any decision either way it goes.
Just when you think things are going to get better something new comes along.
For many years I had to deal with a OM in her life. I think it's mostly a EA more than anything. Well now there's a OW in her life. Same thing just an EA with but this time with a woman.
I asked my W if she had a thing for this woman and she denied it. My W is constantly texting her and calling her on the phone. They stay out untill all hours of the night together. This is just more of the same behavior.
Last night my W was texting her friend until two AM.
I know it's about baby steps. Many times all I do is tell myself to watch the baby steps. Things are improving in my M, but nothing huge. Our M is more being nice to each other than being on the battleground like it use to be. For instance this morning my W and I were running late for work. I just got out of the shower and she went in after me. I knocked on the door and told her I was getting a few things. While in the bathroom my W was telling how messed up things were in work. I listened and then when about my buisness.
Here's were this is a baby step. If this was about 8 months to a year ago; she would have taken off my head. She would have told me to wait until she was done with her shower. I would have never heard anything about how work was going.
Well now it's written down to remind me of the baby steps that are adding up.
Fixer, I'm glad you found something to be positive about. Reminder that this is still all about them, and it takes a long time for their anger to diminish. What were they angry about? who knows!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Today, I had another baby step in the right direction.
It's my W's B-day and she had to work. I suggest D10 and I join her for dinner. I suggested a tiny restaurant near her work. Her dinner break is only 30 minutes so we couldn't go to a restaurant. I then suggest we eat at a food court in the mall where she works. My W wasn't sure if she wanted to do that either. Before she left for work, I told her that if I didn't get a call by a certain time, I would take D10 somewhere else to eat.
About an hour after my W got to work she called. She suggest we meet at the food court in the mall. We all sat down to an enjoyable meal for my W's 30 minute dinner break. When she was done D10 wished her a happy B-day and gave her a kiss. My W hugged me (in public) and thanked me for dinner. Then she dashed off back to work.
Two positives here. One my W doesn't often thank me for anything; especially dinner. Two, she hugged me in public. I never thought I would see this day come.
Why does a M with normal problems have to end in divorce?
Why does a friend tell you that they've just gotten seperated?
Why do affairs have to happen???
Yesterday, I heard yet another story of a good M go bad. A woman I know just told me her H is having an affair with her best friend. No more than five minutes later an old school friend of mine tells me his W is having an MLC. Could I be wrong in saying the MLC condition is growing worse?
I think deep down my W is a very good person. She got infected by the MLC bug after her dad got in a terrible accident. I remember how reluctant she was to hug me when I left the hospital. Her strange behavior didn't stop there either. Her kisses seemed more like tests than a show of affection. Sometimes she would give a hard kiss or a light kiss on the side of the lips. I knew something was wrong.
Today, things are some what better. More than five years no kisses or ILYs. What we have are hugs. Some hugs are better than others. The MC we were seeing was making things worse. Each session would start off with one of us tattling on the other. He was a great mediator, but our M wasn't getting any better.
After our last session I did a lot of praying. I begged God for help and I received what I asked for. I wasn't thinking big when I asked him for help. I prayed to God for baby steps, when I should of asked him to restore my M. Sometimes I try to get things moving; which only makes things worse. Other times I would do my own thing.
A week or two ago my W and I had a fight about money. Five years ago I took away her ATM and credit cards. After all she was keeping and spending her own money. This strategy worked until my W was approved for her own credit cards. She rang up thousands of dollars worth of debt. Guess who bailed her out? Just when I thought everything was under control - another bill would pop up. During our fight she told me I could open up her mail. Today, I opened up a new credit card bill.
When I asked her about the bill she got angry. She asked why I was openning up her mail. When I reminded her about bill discussion she said I was only allowed to open up the bills she leaves on the table. Just another lie I told her. Don't say I can open up the bills and then say only the ones on the kitchen table. None of the last bills where on the kitchen table.
More and more the thoughts of divocing her come into my head. She doesn't respect me and often I feel like I'm being used. I told her I'm only going to do what I want to do. After all we are seperated.
I could hear her mumbling to herself as she got ready for work. I wasn't phased by anything she wanted me to hear. When she left she gave me a big tight hug. Perhaps it was just another test or maybe she was trying to feel something.
The next time when I pray to God regarding my M, I'm going to be more specific of what I want.
I can't say I didn't learn anything from my W's MLC.
My W and I are good friends and that's it. I learned how to validate not just her, but others who need to be heard. I like to listen to people's thoughts more than I did before. Also, there's a better understanding of God in my life. I had to learn how to pray and ask God what I really want. This is more than the list of memorized prays I would rattle off.
Every morning when I'm stuck in traffic, I thank God for being in my life. I thank him for D10 and for the chance to know him better.
After my W dropped the bomb I would drink to try and forget about the pain. Just recently I decided I've had enough of over indulging and thinking alcohol would help me forget.
I learned to go out to the movies by myself and not feel embarassed. I've gone out to dinner alone and enjoyed a meal.
Most of all I've been able to be a good dad to D10. My W will never get back the many days she missed with D10. For me I have many memories and so does D10.
I'm afraid my M will remain this way forever; no L from her.
Once again I have to work on my GAL. If I don't I'm going to go crazy. My head is full of heart ache and bad memories. I need somehow to get out of this rut.
I also need to think of better places than to a bar to get out of the house. One night during the week I go out and drink. The main reason why I drink is to forget what I'm going home to. It also helps me pass the time while I wait to go home.
How do I know when I want a divorce. All I have been doing is thinking about it. Planning on where I might live next.
