So H got in last night after midnight, I was on the couch watching the Grey's Anatomy season premier I recorded--yes I am that far behind!
Anyway he came in and sat right next to me on the couch, chit chatted, put his hand on my leg, etc. Touched me 3 or 4 times in terms of putting his hand on my leg, arm, etc.
Right before bed I asked if he got my e-mail. He said, "Yes, I told you I did on the phone." People, I would swear on my two kids he didn't, I think I would remember that...
Anyway he goes to his bag and pulls out a notebook and tears out 4 (FOUR!) pages of response. Says he is tired as it is now 1 am, can we go over it tomorrow?
So we are going to do it today. He wants to read it to me/with me instead of me reading it on my own. Don't know if it will be good or bad. I snuck a peek at it this morning and saw words like "frustrated, inadequate".....
But hey, he actually took time and wrote a response so I will keep an open mind.
So we are going to do it today. He wants to read it to me/with me instead of me reading it on my own. Don't know if it will be good or bad. I snuck a peek at it this morning and saw words like "frustrated, inadequate".....
Let him vent his frustration and issues. This is good. You know what to do. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
The letter was good. Most of it is very similar to how I feel.
He says he feels frustrated by how I love him, b/c it should be enough but for him it isn't and he doesn't know why.
When it comes to how he loves me, he feels inadequate b/c he tries to love me but it isn't enough for me.
He says love should feel electric and exciting and it used to with me but it doesn't know and he doesn't know why.
He says he does love me though, always has, always will, no matter what.
He says that in terms of forgiveness and trust, he cannot find a way to forgive me for things that he admits are really not my fault in the first place. He said just the other day in the car he was wondering why I didn't go to college where he did, b/c if he hadn't had to drive 90 minutes to see me all the time he may have been more involved at his own school. (WTF?) Anyway his point is that try as he may he can't seem to get past those resentments, and that makes it almost impossible to trust me when he is still holding that stuff against me.
The fourth thing (besides love, forgiveness, and trust) on my pillars of marriage is commitment. He said he is absolutely 110% scared to death of committing to me only to wind up back where we are. I said that is where choices and decisions to change come into play...
I asked him tonight how he proposed we resolve this impasse..me wanting more from him and being disappointed and vice versa. He said his plan was to "try harder" and "keep working" at it. He described his lack of the exciting love for me as though he is in a totally dark room and he has been walking around trying to find the switch to turn it on again. I asked him what he has been trying other than overthinking and overanalyzing b/c I have not seen him trying to touch me more, plan time alone with me more, etc....He admitted he hasn't done much more than agonize over the lack of that feeling...
I said that for me to continue to stay with him while he "tries harder" is insulting to me. B/C I already feel that rush of love for him, I already am working on the other three areas (commitment, trust, forgiveness). That for me to stay with him when I am ready to move forward in life and he is still spinning his wheels was going to wear me down. That I found it a bit degrading for me to keep trying to "woo" a man for whom I already have those loving feelings. That I want, need, and deserve a man who can love me, trust me, and commit to me.
He said he wants that man to be him and he struggles every minute of every day with the fact that what he feels is 180 degrees from what he wants to feel, that what he does is the polar opposite of what he wants to do, etc.
I said if I am complaining about being overweight, and I want to be fit, but I eat crap and don't exercise, I will be torn everyday b/c I don't live out what I say I want. At some point, I either embrace being fat and happy or I get with the program and get fit. I get nowhere eating crap and gaining weight but moaning about wanting to be thin. So I told him he needs to pull his head out and either get on living without me in his life, or figure out how to be the husband he should be.
After about 45 minutes, I said I was not going to beat the dead horse. He knows I am there in all 4 areas for him. I am ready to go forward and live a love/support/trust/commitment-filled life. He knows that. He is torn between doing the things he knows he should do and doing the things he feels like doing. I know that. So to continue talking about it would not yield any new or different results.
So I turned on my Desperate Housewives that I had been recording and sat back to watch. He got all teary and looked at me. I asked him if it would make him feel better if I went to my room and cried. He sort of laughed and said, "No." I said, well I have been there done that for months now. I am not going to spend another night agonizing over this. I am going to watch my show while you go do chores and tomorrow we will have to figure out what to do next.
It was a lot more than that, I talked about how I should prob. just kick him out but yet I love him and want him around. He talked about how he does love me and does enjoy being with me but he is tired of these problems and these conversations. I wrapped it up saying that at this point we are the last two pieces on the Stratego Board game circling each other and that unless/until one of us made a move we would continue to be here indefinitely which is unacceptable to me.
I can't live out my life with a man who has to try so hard to feel that I am his special one and only girl. A man who has no clue what he feels or what to do with what he feels. I mentioned that my counselor once remarked on how incredibly self aware I was and that a lot of people don't know why they feel the way they do or how to sort out those feelings. H just laughed and shrugged and pointed at himself........
Well, you had a good conversation. And he hit the ball that you served into his court.
Personally, I cannot relate to his belief that love is fireworks and excitement. That doesn't last in the longterm. That's like saying your comfortable pair of shoes should also stay looking like new. And if they don't, then they are no good.
There are other good things about longterm love beside fireworks. For example, you were right at his side a couple of weeks ago when he was in the ER. Surely, when you hold his hand it means more than if a new person holds his hand. I don't know if I can convey to you the pride you feel in your whole family when one of your kids graduates college, and you know that everything you and he did in the past 21 years led up to that point. Or when the kids are grown and talk late at night about their childhoods, and you laugh about just how funny your crazy, unique family unit is. These are experiences that you don't imagine until you experience them. But it is a wonderful kind of love you feel for the person who was with you all the way. If I had to share those moments with a new spouse, it would not be the same. But his feelings are his feelings, and logic doesn't make a difference.
If you were to tell him he had to move out until he figures out what he wants, I would expect him to discover that he wants his family. But I have never been good at predicting the future, so I am not suggesting that you do that.
All I can say is WOW. You put it out there....very courageously. I am totally impressed with you and k this evening.
I could go line by line of what he said...stuff like electric...if he wants to feel electric, tell him to stick his fingers in the socket. Blaming you for choosing a different college???? I got the I don't feel the same as when we met speech and to me that is the sign of a person who is still attached to someone else...but maybe i am wrong. I am biased, I have been stung in the past and i am just leery of this type of conversation. Maybe the best thing would be for him to pack up and giive you a sign if and when he changes his mind....but that is easier said than done. From where I sit, I can tell one thing...you BBJ have grown tremendously and are one hell of a woman. And YES you do deserve someone who loves you and is committed to you 100%. I hope you still believe it could be your H and I hope he wakes up soon.
Hi Bobbijo I've been reading with interest about your letter and interactions with H. I can see you are at the next stage to me, so I'm watching and learning! I've just finished reading the Passionate Marriage. It is by far the best and most challenging relationship book I have ever read. Have you heard of it? He talks about what to do when couples reach the gridlock you describe above. If I could I would lend you my copy! I love how you turned on Desperate Housewives - that was a good move to look after yourself. And how you stopped the conversation once you had got to the 'dead horse stage'
Personally, I cannot relate to his belief that love is fireworks and excitement. That doesn't last in the longterm. That's like saying your comfortable pair of shoes should also stay looking like new. And if they don't, then they are no good.
Sara,
That made me laugh. H's comfortable old shoes turn into "work shoes" and he buys new ones. He went to the western wear store 2 months ago and bought TWO pairs of $150 boots b/c he liked them both and couldn't decide..........what does that say???? I guess I am the comfy work boots, but I won't let him keep a new pair on hand as well...
I asked H when he got back from doing chores what he thought the next step should be. He wants us to stay together and keep "working" on our marriage. I don't know what that looks like, I don't want it to be "more of the same" behaviors.
Thanks for caring and following along, guys. I read something Ali posted to Kalni about how she was sort of going through the motions of fixing things w/her guy and after 6 months the light came on and she saw him for the great guy he was, finally. I don't know, part of me wants to give H that chance and part of me isn't sure...........
I guess I am the comfy work boots, but I won't let him keep a new pair on hand as well...