I am playing it extremely cool. I am not even mentioning my happiness and excitement with anyone except you on this board. i am watching ad doing "more of the same". I know there mayb set backs, but I am looking at this hard. In my mlc books, research and the DR book, all of them said to basically look for her to communicate with me and open up about things, more details in our conversation and not necessarily about our R. I am told to watch for her contact and take it lightly and cooly...Even if I have no contact with her till tuesday, that i fine. i have enought to do. I am not expecting any contact. I am just happy that I finally realized how much I have really changed, how I don't have to try anymore, I'm me. And the fact that I am seeing results from the advice on this board and the book.
No problem hijacking here Tgone. We're friends. Keep me poosted on your new post. I hope things are mayb turning for you. I gotta tell you I am excited, but holding it in. I have been in a verygood mood in the past two days. I know I have miles to go before I sleep, but at least I know sleep is coming.
Amy C - I don't want to hijack this thread. I've read alot of your posts under MLC resources.
You have some really good information there. I'm conflicted in my situation. From a moral perspective I realize that nothing in the scriptures holds me to standing for my R with the ExW. Legally of course we are divorced so there is no legal tie.
Still, there was 30 years....and whole lot of love there. There are also new developments concerning the OM.
I know you don't have a crystal ball but you are sharp. I feel the need to express a few things and get your opinion.
New thread or continue one of my old ones? I know you're busy. Up for it?
TIG: I had no idea I even had any posts under MLC Resources. Interesting.
I thought I had "talked" with you back when you first arrived here? Maybe not...your name rang a bell though when I first saw you posting to LD. Maybe it was just that damned old Eagles song...
Do you have a current thread - or somewhere I could catch up? I don't have much to say these days but I don't mind taking a look and seeing if anything about your sitch jumps out at me.
No problem hijacking here Tgone. We're friends. Keep me poosted on your new post. I hope things are mayb turning for you. I gotta tell you I am excited, but holding it in. I have been in a verygood mood in the past two days. I know I have miles to go before I sleep, but at least I know sleep is coming.
Amy C- you replied some under my thread "MLC Stages, where are we?" back 7/13/08. The start of that thread gives a timeline through July of my sitch.
We are divorced now. I actually saw my W in late August the day the divorce was granted. I spoke with her the night before and she was out of it. So bad in fact that I was worried she was in real trouble. I asked her if she was O.K. and she replied "of course I'm not O.K." and she did it in a manner that had me comtemplating 911. She said she would call back in 10 minutes and never did. I called her and she would not answer. The next day she showed up at the house and I was shocked at how she looked. Skinny...like I've never seen her in 30 years. Kept her head down, wouldn't make eye contact, got out of the car and hugged me crying and then jumped back in the car staring straight ahead and shaking. She was wearing a pair of monogrammed sunglasses that belonged to the OM and a dress ring on her right hand that I gave her. Saw her the next day with the same ring on the same hand but not appropriate for what she was wearing. She pointed the ring out to me and said "you gave me this". We promptly got into a confrontation about the family dog and she left. I noticed that she appeared unkept. Straight hair, no makeup, her face had broken out and she has no upper body left. I mean down to the ribs. She drinks heavily at night but I'm not aware of any drug use besides her hormonal steroids and hormones.
The OM is 70 years old and it appears that she is moving out of state to be with him and is buying a house with the proceeds from the divorce. They work for the same company. Don't know how that'll work. What haunts me is the phrase my wife said a week before she left " I guess you won't be able to wait on me" When I asked her if she thought she'd ever find what we had, again. She replied "No". AND the OM is having some cash flow problems and is playing "the rich guy". Don't ask me how I know. My ExW is headed for the wall.....I think. Her credit rating is 100 points higher than the OMs and she is taking out loans for the both of them.
I am about as confused as confused gets. I'm also very angry at the betrayal,emotional and financial wreckage she left behind. To compound matters I've met a woman who I find attractive on a multitude of levels and the feelings are mutual. Very dangerous and confusing also.
I am a mess. I still love my ExW very deeply.
Somedays I think I know what I'm doing. Other days I don't know whether to sh*t or go blind.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
Hi LonelyD, I was just about to tell you the same thing that AmyC did, but she beat me to the punch.....lol. We certainly are not trying to bring you "down" and we want you to come here and express your excitement and happiness.....and it is so great that you can even "feel" any of those emotions this early in the stitch. If your W is truly in MLC then we just want you to be braced for anything from her. They don't call it a rollercoaster ride for nothing. One day it's "up" the next day "down", over, under and every which way. So, it's good to see that she is talking to you and that is a positive sign. Much more than so many others get. I, for one, do not want anything to happen that would make you fall back into that old pattern of drinking and wasting your life away in front to the TV. From your friends reaction......I don't think they want to see that happen either. Did you know that so many cared that much about what was happening to you?
I have not had the drinking problem, but I always figured I would be by that just like I am food! When I get really down in the dumps is when I want to eat. So, please come to us and blow off steam if you need to, but don't hit the bottle again.
I thought I set a record, but then I didn't have the time to spare (age joke)-- but hopefully, your wife will beat me! You know that we all are praying and pulling for you. I have seen some over-night changes in a lot of men here on the board.....but I think maybe you have set a record of your own!! Congratulations on the goals you've set and the hard work you have accomplished. Most of all the changes you have made in yourself have been awesome! Make them last. Don't go back.....no matter what...okay?
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Amy C- you replied some under my thread "MLC Stages, where are we?" back 7/13/08 Ahhh yes. I remember. I think I just jumped in and told you not to try to gauge where your wife is at in those very individual and personal stages.. The start of that thread gives a timeline through July of my sitch.
We are divorced now. I actually saw my W in late August the day the divorce was granted. I spoke with her the night before and she was out of it. So bad in fact that I was worried she was in real trouble. I asked her if she was O.K. and she replied "of course I'm not O.K." and she did it in a manner that had me comtemplating 911. She said she would call back in 10 minutes and never did. I called her and she would not answer. The next day she showed up at the house and I was shocked at how she looked. Skinny...like I've never seen her in 30 years. Kept her head down, wouldn't make eye contact, got out of the car and hugged me crying and then jumped back in the car staring straight ahead and shaking. She was wearing a pair of monogrammed sunglasses that belonged to the OM and a dress ring on her right hand that I gave her. Saw her the next day with the same ring on the same hand but not appropriate for what she was wearing. She pointed the ring out to me and said "you gave me this". We promptly got into a confrontation about the family dog and she left. I noticed that she appeared unkept. Straight hair, no makeup, her face had broken out and she has no upper body left. I mean down to the ribs. She drinks heavily at night but I'm not aware of any drug use besides her hormonal steroids and hormones Well that summary certainly shocked the heck out of me and I don't even know the woman. I am sorry to hear those things about her. No doubt she is carrying a heavy burden on her heart, though. No doubt about it at all... .
The OM is 70 years old Whoa and it appears that she is moving out of state to be with him and is buying a house with the proceeds from the divorce. They work for the same company. Don't know how that'll work. What haunts me is the phrase my wife said a week before she left " I guess you won't be able to wait on me" I don't want to make you feel worse but I can see how that could haunt you. That said, what the heck else could you do but let go? Sometimes in certain sitches there comes a time when the DBer has no choice but to save himself (or herself) or go down with the sinking ship. What is the good in that? If you had allowed that to happen to you, there would be no one - NO ONE - stable enough to show her what she will need if/when she comes out of whatever fog she is in. Honestly, THAT is your role. When we Dbers pray for restoration we think only along the lines of the marriage being saved. I learned in my own sitch that restoration can come in other forms - such as a deep friendship - before you see anything else or even if you NEVER see anything else. The relationship has been restored. Had you gone down with the ship, so to speak, you wouldn't be able to see ANY kind of restoration because more than likely anger and bitterness would have taken root in your heart. So do not let that statement of hers haunt you. It is merely the enemy working in your head. What he intended for your destruction, God can - with or without your asking - turn around for your good. When I asked her if she thought she'd ever find what we had, again. She replied "No" That had to be a painful thing for her to admit. I hope you realize that. Pride doesn't seem like an issue for her. That is a good thing. . AND the OM is having some cash flow problems and is playing "the rich guy". Don't ask me how I know I won't. I see these guys at the firm all the time. . My ExW is headed for the wall.....I think. Sounds like she is definitely headed for a bad place. Her credit rating is 100 points higher than the OMs and she is taking out loans for the both of them.
I am about as confused as confused gets. I'm also very angry at the betrayal,emotional and financial wreckage she left behind Yes. There's that anger and bitterness. You have to get that out of your heart. I wish I could tell you how. First you just really have to want to. Then you have to ask for help to continue to love her in spite of that wreckage. I only know of One that can help with that. . To compound matters I've met a woman who I find attractive on a multitude of levels and the feelings are mutual. Very dangerous and confusing also Funny you should mention that. I am in a similar sitch. It's scary as hell. And it's even harder when you factor in the "Stand". That's one you definitely have to pray about. It is so hard to let go. I know. But you can reach a point where it is harder to stand still and let life keep passing you by. After almost 3 years, I have those thoughts. But it's what God lays on my heart that I must do. So far, I stand. .
I am a mess. I still love my ExW very deeply Good thing I read then reply and then continue to read. There is your answer to your previous dilemma right there. .
Somedays I think I know what I'm doing. Other days I don't know whether to sh*t or go blind My friend, now you are just preaching to the choir .
I guess what I have to understand is there is nothing I can do. We're divorced and have no contact. I wish I could turn off the feelings for her in a similiar fashion. I think about her daily and I wonder what goes on in her mind. Her actions seem so cold yet I can feel (or could feel before this was over) that she loves me and is tortured. The problem is that she lied so much and her actions were so out of character and bizarre, I'm not sure what I know or don't know or what is real and what is not. That goes for the present as well as the past.
Afterall, back in Feb 08 I took my wife out of town to a cozy bed and breakfast up in the mountains for a week, in order to reconnect. We made love to eachother. Now I know she was screwing around with a man who is her fathers age, during that same time period. I'm not a jealous or possessive man BUT that freaked me out. Still does. I couldn't have put on a Hollywood acting job like that.
So I guess I just go on and if days, months or years from now something falls out of the sky....I react to it depending on my feelings and circumstances at the time? That just seems batsh*t crazy to me.
My FIL is terminally ill ( I think she was primed and ready for MLC and that her fathers illness was the trigger). So I guess our next chance to talk will be when her father passes.
Is there anything else I can do? Is there anything I haven't thought of? If I'm reduced to waiting for something that statistically is very remote...what am I doing?
I think that is why communicating and connecting with another woman is so compelling yet also so confusing and dangerous.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
I think that is why communicating and connecting with another woman is so compelling yet also so confusing and dangerous.
If a person is divorced, then they are free to date others, but I would not want to be the woman you dated at this time-b/c it is so obvious that you are a long way from being over the toughest part in your stitch with your W. You are still having thoughts about her coming back some day. So, you know that you would rebound with another woman.....or you would risk getting an STD b/c your body is vulnerable right now. Would be better for a while longer to hang out with friends until you can get stronger. I know it sounds unfair, but do you really think you are emotionally stable for dating right now? It is your business and your life, but we don't want to see you hurt more than what you already are......and yes, you could get in deeper and more hurt. Don't want that, do ya?
Samdi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It is a line from a poem, i believe Robert Frost. Yes I am into poetry, writing not reading. I have written several over the past two months. There is indication she was with OM this weekend.. Friday she indicated that she may show up at my camp over the weekend. I asked her if she wanted me to bring an extra blanket in case she was staying over and she said there is an extra, I'll be ok. I got a very nice "Hi, how are you?" when she saw me me friday at my house after work. Something very strange happened and I want to get your opinion as well as Sandi and karlah and any other women reading this:
Here goes; the woman my wife if staying with is a good friend of both of ours. I talked with her a month ago about any developments that she could clue me in on. Nothing. Friday I had to run some errands after work so I called my daughter to tell her I would be a little late. My W was there. she got to my house about 3:45. My D said she was reading her mail, skimming through the ads and small chit chat with her. She seemed to my D to be waiting for someone or something. When I came in, my D said my W got up and went into the bedroom. I went in got my overnight bag , got thehello I mentioned above and asked her about her ins money. she gave me 70. Small chit chat about nothing. In listened while she talked. I went into the living room to eat with my daughter and she told me a woman called looking for me at 5. She didn't say who it was, she told my D she would call back. I recognized the cell number as her friend she is staying with and called her figuring she had some news. I left a message for her to call my cell. My W then checked the phone for caller ID and said oh, Pam called. My D played it cool and said she didn't know. If she doesn't recognize the number she doesn't answer it. My W called her to see what was up. She talked for about 15 minutes and hung up. that's when she told me she might show up at the camp. I said good bye, maybe I'll see you there, kissed my D good bye and left. Her friend called my cell and we just started talking. She asked how I was and how I was making out. I told her I was fine, busy with projects and started running thru the list. she told me she wasn't handling her realtionship failure very good ( same as me and the W, but she is on my side of the fence). She said she'd been hopping around with guys she didn't even like. told her she was too good of a person to be like that and if she needed that kind of company she should have called me, and I laughed (I meant it as a joke). she responded by saying thats why I called, to see if you wanted to have dinner some night, just go out and do whatever. I climbed out odf the conversation and started asking her about what she has been going thru. She rebounded about dinner again and then added ," I'm not sure if the W would be too happy about me going after you. She might get really mad or she might tell me to go for it". NowI'm getting nervous. I said I didn't know what she might say or do, but thngs are fragile now and everything must be tread on lightly. She laughed and once again said well I would love to go to dinner or something with you, what do you think? I joked abotu her hopping around comment and she said that she heard I was doing really well and looked great. She said we could both use some good hopping around. I immediately changed the subject back to how I was feeling and what I do to keep focused. She said she had another call coming in she had to take, but she would call me bvack later to finish the conversation.
Now my emotions are all over the place. I do feel good about myself, i am taking my signs as they come and logging them. I know she is still with OM, but I am taking everything she wants to give me. I have been thinking in terms of high school with allof this stuff. Am I being paranoid that mayb my W was at my house, knowing this call was coming in and what the subject would be so that her friend could elicite some type of response from me? I am thinking three scenarios.
1. Her friend really does want me, but why wait a month to check on me? If she wanted to see me or at least was thinking about it, woyuldn't she have been calling me more regularly?
2, Were they looking for a positive response that yes, I want to hop in the sack with her and make plans to that end to see what my feelings were about my relationship condition and feeling for my W.
3. That They were hoping I would reject the proposal to know that I am still wanting adn hoping for my wife back and that I am not looking for anything with anyone right now.
I have spoken to this frined of mine that went thru this with her husband and she has been coaching me and helping just like this board. Same advice, same jumping on me when i get off track. She believes i was being tested. She doesn't understand why the frined who took her in, is one of her longest and best frineds, would jeopardize all of that by seeing me. I know this sounds typical high school. but ahs anyone out there done something like this or even heard of this being done? My rsponse was that I wasn't interested in that, but that i wanted to talk to her more, mostly about what she is going thru. The friend, not th eW.
Roller coaster ride for sure. I am very flattered to say the least, to not only be asked out for dinner, but that thngs being said about me are appealing to women. I haven't seen this ftriend in months. she heard I looked good, lost weight, stopped drinking, she then thru out the," mayb I should come around and boink you, and she laughed. We have always been able to joke like that as at one time she was married to my best friend. A divorce she still regrets to this day. I am also concerned about the point that this may have been some sort of test, testing the water as it were. My friend says you would have passed if it were me, but who knows. She found it really strange that a woman qwho hasn't seen me in a while, has taken my wife in, all of a sudden wants to start something up. She says if she really is interested, it tells you what your W must be saying about you. Her advice to me, keep doing what your doing and watch. that is exactly what I'm doing and what I intend on doing. Any thoughts?
