Hey, Nik...thanks for stopping by. Counseling was yesterday...not sure what I think about the session. Feeling more and more like maybe it's time to let go. At the end of our session, like always, C asked if we wanted to come back. I left the decision up to H...he said he did so we scheduled another appointment. On the way to our cars he said it seemed like I didn't really want to go back. I responded by saying I didn't mean to come across that way but asked him "what are we doing here?" His response was "I don't know"....my response was "just see what happens?" He said "I guess".
I am feeling very conflicted right now. A couple of months ago my thoughts never waivered in terms of me wanting to make things work with H...now I don't know. He tells me he doesn't love me the same....I certainly don't want to settle. Gosh...I'm tired of the rollercoaster. This may very well be the end of the road for us....
The feelings of conflict seem to have no end. He came over tonight to pick up D....I was going to a Halloween Party and was dressed rather provacatively. When he came in he raised his eyebrows and asked where I was going. I told him and asked him how I looked...he said REALLY GOOD. I was wearing red lipstick (something he always hated) so I said "I know you hate my lipstick". His response was "you know it looks good or you wouldn't wear it". My response..."you always told me you hated it". His response..."well I was stupid".
Anyway...D had some things she was in the middle of so H and I had a chat...I was flirting with him and told him it seemed like he always just wanted to get away from me. Convo went something like this:
Me: You know you want to touch me Him: It's too confusing Me: Confusing how...because you are afraid you will fall completely back in love me again. Him: That is exactly right Me: Why would that be so bad Him: Because too much has happened....I big part of me would love to just come back, but I am afraid it would go back to the way it use to be and I can't take that chance. Me: Then why are we going to counseling....should I cancel the next appointment Him: If that's what you want to do Me: I'm asking you if thats what you want to do Him: If I didn't want to go I wouldn't have said I did Me: Then what are we doing???? Him: I don't know Me: Can't you just keep an open mind Him: Probably
WTF???? It went on the same way for a few minutes. I was being very bold and told him I knew he wanted to be with me and that he still loved me. He responded with of course he cares about me and it kills him because he does want to touch me, but he's afraid.
At any rate....he left...I went to the party...felt like crap and came home. I'm tired....
CW you got your H to admit that he still cares for but he is just scared I think that, that is wonderful. You should look at that as a positive and he is going to counseling, major plus!!
He just needs to work through the crap in this head and you need to keep up with your 180s and prove that they are permanent.
Dropping by to check in on some of my cohorts. We are in such similar spots. Hang in there. I think it's normal to one day feel hopeful, and the next wonder "what the heck are we doing?" At least that has been the way with me. It's hard to hang in there, and fight. But you ARE seeing progress. Him agreeing to go to counseling, is huge. Him admitting that he is afraid to be hurt again is huge.
Please try try try to GAL, and be positive. Enjoy the good moments, and you know.... look at his actions, not his words. He's obviously not in any hurry, and in the scheme of the life of a marriage, what is a few months, or even a year. If time is what you guys need to heal, then please give him and yourself that time.
Hang in there, Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Good Luck you are already doing great!!!!