I am sad because I feel that I have no intrinsic value. I have spent my life pinning happiness to things that are often only short term measures to keep unhappiness away.
This says to me that you can stand to strengthen yourself. You can use this separation to good ends. If you are looking for him to save you, that is not a good sign. If you emerge from this separation feeling powerful and strong and independent, and YET, you still want him, then you will be in a position to be present for him, long term. If you are weak and needy and go back to him in that mindset, then yes, you will be susceptible to another affair.
The separation stinks and is not what you signed up for. I get it. but could there be something you could learn? Could you improve yourself during this time? is it an opportunity for you?
Do you really really really know what your W wants ?
Not positively. I see her chasing men with money, so maybe she wants money. Sometimes I think that she wants a fresh start with someone else who doesn't have history with her behavior; because she's been incapable of accomplishing anything that requires hard work. She hasn't taken responsibility for anything in the past for an extended period; just look where my kids are. She's contributing nothing to them maternally, materially, or any real love at this point.
Deep down, I think she's looking for someone to dote on her, day and night. I used to do that until the kids came along and she helped me spend all of my savings.
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For me it was to be number 1 in his life and sadly enough I think I was. It was just that his way of showing it and how i wanted it showed were different.
Here's where reading "The 5 Love Languages" would be helpful. My W wanted to be my priority as well. She was until we had the responsibility of the kids. My mistake was allowing the finances to get so bad that I couldn't at least date her. It became routine and she gets bored easily. She wasn't willing to do the work necessary to get out of debt. At that point I would have loved to dated her as much as possible. Too little, too late in her eyes.
Ok i think i am going to focus on Dbing for a month . I will write goals and I will watch for progress. I will not over analysis and i will take what comes.
I think if after that I should have a better understanding. I will study that list , it is a much better one than what i was working off.
Chasing money is very shallow and it is a cover for unhappiness. Money cannot buy everything. Sad really.
I shake my head with disbelief that she cannot come to her senses.
What do her family think ?
Our MC gave us 5 languages of love but we were a million miles from even contemplating that. We needed healing. Just reinforces the importance of a good MC.
If you are weak and needy and go back to him in that mindset, then yes, you will be susceptible to another affair.
I have never ever until this year been weak and needy. I am only weak an needy in this area of my life. I dont kown what has happened to me. My friends are shaking there heads and commenting on it. They feel like I am being a doormat. I am not sure if it is that bad but it is a big change from how I treated H in past.
Which is how i never ever want to treat another person as long as I live. i was disrespectful and horrible to him.
Max I missed you too. I don't know how much advice I bring but the contact feels good.
I wanted to add just one thing. In that "Decide" post, it sounded so immediate and not very understanding and I apologize for that. here is the thing - in retrospect I clicked "return" too quickly. I don't mean to be pushing you to decide one way or the other RIGHT NOW.
It is perfectly ok if today you will not decide. It is possible that the best thing for you is to defer the decision. nothing wrong with that.
It is perfectly fine to not know, or to waffle, for a time. Sometimes you have to wait for inspiration, for the right insight. Sometimes it comes in a week, in a month, in a season, etc. But it is hard to waffle, or to not know. It is difficult and it yanks you around inside. and it is difficult on everyone else, too, Everyone who is affected.
Once you know what you want, everything is clarified.
But wisdom is not instant. Just because you want to know, does not mean you will know, right now. but if you are in this situation you can be sure to ride the rollercoaster while you are there. when you are grounded and have decided - then is when the ups and downs dissipate.
Great work out after a tiring both physically and emotional day. Yes i think the contact is great and I can honestly say it has got me through some insane moments.
As I feel so mixed up , I am going to try to sort out what i feel.
Is it worthless, valued, hated, loved, etc etc.
I think I needed to waffle in order to help get order.
Anyways i am tired of me. I feel that I have not had the time to send any support back to any one.
Has anyone made progress, or feels better or made some good decisions or done any real good Dbing ?
