Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Wife have moved out with my son..........now what

Sandi
Thanks for all your advices. I really appreciated it.
I am in a process of detaching/dropping the rope, and it is getting better. I realize that she will do whatever she wants and there is nothing I can do about it. Like you said, I DON'T have her now. So I can't let her action bother me like it was.
I am still snooping through her blog....yes I am ready for your 2x4s.
Through her blog, I found out W and OM has been on and off past months. I guess the OM's wife is somewhat watching him, who knows. I also found out there was a PA back in mid Nov when she flew out there to meet him. I didn't confront her with it. As of today, they are back together again. This is something interesting that she posted while the OM was gone for several days.

Here is what she said:
I had fall in love for the last time in my life. (Of course she means the OM...not me), So for this reason I will not marry again.
I felt a bit bummed because I liked being in denial.
I do want a boyfriend, but I think my expectations are a little high. I don't want a husband...just a boyfriend for life. If that makes sense. We should have a lot in common, such as equal intelligence, the same interests, and a really good sense of humor goes a long way. I have more, but the list would be way too long, so I stay undecided at the moment. I don't think there is anyone out there who have someone like me. I am not pathetic; I am high maintenance to a degree.

What do make out of this?
I guess she is still in fog....

Another question: I noticed every time my W contacts me is the same time that the OM has resurfaced. Why is that...?? Is it because she is in happy mood so drop me a note out of pity?
I just don't understand this at all.

As far as now, we pretty much only communicate mostly regarding on son or business.
As for me, I am busy Dbing, GAL and work on myself.
There is long laundry list that I am working on.
Hopefully I can become a better, more compassion person.

Also I am picking up my son for the whole next week. I can't wait.

I think I have opened up too many posts...
Sorry about the confusions...

Sandi: thanks for stopping by.

NW626

Hi again. You can post to as many people as you want to. You can go all over the board to as many forums as you want and talk to everyone you want to. But, your "thread" is like your home (so to speak) or your address here on the DB board's community. So, if you have so many threads or addresses in different forums....it is hard to know which place to go. Does that make sense? Of couse as our story changes, we may want to move our "thread" to a different place or forum....and that is okay also. But when you do, just let us know, so we can find ya...lol. Just makes is less confusing....that's all.

Okay about some things you asked....

Well, this is the Thanksgiving holidays,so I don't think I'll do any 2x4's (lol). Seriously, I know if it were me in your shoes....I would have a hard time not looking to see what she is saying. I think she is very brazen. I am just thinking that YOU are the one that gets hurt when you read what she has posted.



First of all, she may not have been referring to the OM when she said she had fallen in love for the last time. Or....that could have just been a jab at him if they are off again---on again. The reason I think she was talking about you being her last time to fall in love is b/c of her connection with falling in love for the last time and marriage. Now the rest of what I am going to say about that blog quote of hers is strickly a first impression I had when I read it.

Okay, here is the hard part that I am going to tell you......even if it is Thanksgiving......and it is not pretty and you will not feel good when I tell you this....okay? It reminds me of what I read when I would go on an adult (how shall I say this?).....hook-up....friend finder type of web site. I don't know if you have ever looked at any of them. I only did one, but a person can post their picture (if they want to) or not, but they give a "profile" and it almost sounds like an ad in a newspaper. Then if somebody reads your profile and wants to chat with you by email or IM, they let you know....then it goes from there. That is exactly what it reminded me of when I read what she posted on her blog. But here comes the nasty part. I learned a term during my days of the adult chat board, and it was usually a married man or woman that didn't want to get a divorce but wanted to have the action on the side. Sometime it was a person that was not M and just wanted the sexual action and nothing "serious" as far as a R. They used the phrase, F--- Buddy. That is very plain, but when she said she just wants to have a "boyfriend" and not get M, well that is what came to mind as my first thoughts.

My second thought is that she is making a jab at the OM and maybe she just wants to continue the "fantasy" of feeling the in-love stuff and has decided it can only be outside of M. But, who knows what she may have truly meant? Tomorrow, she may have something completely different.



I certainly don't belive it is out of pity! If she was still under the same roof with you, I would say it was b/c she got her "fix" from her drug of choice (the OM feeding her ego), but since she is S from you......I'm just not sure. You know...that fog business!

Good!

That the way to do it!!



I hope you meant that this is for YOU and improving yourself and becoming a better person. You can be compassionate, but don't be a doormat, either.

I don't know enough, really, to make this prediction about your wife, b/c you are new on the board, but I say this based upon other material I have read. I am concerned that she is on a downward spiral and that she is going to go through a bad time of it....and may even jump from man to man before she hits bottom. She is trying to hang onto that wonderful "high" that she gets when a person first falls in love. It isn't true love and therefore it doesn't last. So, out with the old man....go look for a new man.

It could be that she just wants to experinece living what she thinks would be a fun "single's" life. But again, she is in for a rude awakening. So, you are doing the right thing by focusing on YOU and getting a life for you. Dropping the rope and moving on is the best thing for you right now. If she gets through the fog and she wants to come home.....you may not want her anymore. That happens a lot of times. But, you have to take care of you....and of course your son. I wished he was with you b/c I don't think he may be in the environment he should be in. But, I am doing a lot of guessing b/c I don't know this for sure.

I'll check in on you soon.

Sandi

Hi Sandi
I just got back with my son.
I will post more when he goes to bed.
Thanks for the response.

NW626

Hi Sandi
Sorry to late response.
I got my son this week. Normally he is staying with her or MIL. They are 6 HRs drive away in diff state.
I just realize I have so much free time when my S is not here...LOL
I am enjoying every minutes that we have together.
I think you are right about my W.
She is using (http://www.experienceproject.com/). I think the web site was designed for good purposes, but don't think she is using for the right reason per sake.
The OM is in and out her life. When the OM is not around, I think she will get the quick fix (Phone/Internet) from one of her 'Friends' that are within her circle. I am not sure how frequent but it is not my business anyway. I guess I am detaching little better now. I don't even see her as my W now, just a friend that is a downward spiral. She will not wake up until she hit rock bottom. Who knows when that will be...??
I am guessing even the OM is gone for good. She will still need to go through the grieving period. Then she will try to find 'NEW' OM, and I probably am the last person she even thinks about.
There are days I wish I can end this, file for D and fight full custody for my S. Then again, I made her the promise, better or worse.

One question:
We do Christmas party with her family every year. She did invited me the other day. I think I am going because I want to see her plus may be she can pick up some of my self improvements.
This will be the first time we meet since September.
Should I even buy her Christmas gift? I am guessing she will. She is really big on buying gifts.

I also will talk to her this week about keeping my S here with me. I think I can provide him a better environment overall. She and MIL are both bipolar. My W is staying with FIL and he does have the 'Flavor of the week' going on sometimes because he's been singled forever. MIL's house is really small.

I am not intended to use my son as leverage to make her come back. I just want the best for my S. I hope she can see it this way.

This is such a tough ride...

NW626

NW -
I didn't know you had other threads!

Are you going to stay on this one now?

Okay...so here's my quick response to the Christmas question - if you go - do it for you and your son - NOT for her to see anything about you. If you go in there wanting/thinking about her being witness to your self-improvements - you will be reattaching yourself - and you cannot do that.

I'm glad that you plan on talking with her about what is best for your son. Hopefully it will be a productive conversation - and it won't lapse into R/M talk - which could all too easily happen...so stay aware of avoiding that trap.

I know it's hard - but stop obsessing over the OM - whether he's in or out of her life right now just doesn't matter - because you are working on you, remember? Not her. Put that energy and focus into you and your son.

It is a tough ride - hell - it's the worst ride imaginable - but like any other ride, there comes a point when it ends...and then you look back and see where you've been - but you don't try to carry the car with you on your back...It's like that Buddhist parable of the raft used to cross the river...once across, you don't carry the raft with you...you walk the path...

Stay strong, peng you. Yi lu ping an! (I know it's about a journey...but let's just keep that metaphor going a bit longer...)
-Carlos.

Hey Carlos
Thanks for your advice..
Actually this is my original thread. I am going to stick with this for less confusion on everyone.
You have a good point on Christmas gathering. That's the wrong reason to go, but I do want to spend much time with S possible. I will still go and only bring gifts for S, that's it. If I see W, that's fine. If she is not there, it will be just as good.

I guess it will never be good timing to talk about our S since she is so unstable and in selfish mode. I am thinking to wait for couple attorneys to call me back first before I bring this up to her. At least I will know my rights and responsibilities. Hopefully she can be civil on this matter.
I will try to avoid all the R talk trap. I will practice in front of the mirror for this....

NW626

nw,

Sandi has some golden advice! It's hard to keep it up, but you will have to! We on the board keep each other going!

Keep posting your progress!

NW626,

Just realized you will be posting to this thread so I will check in with you here.

I hope you have a good day with your son!

Beth

Have you seen a lawyer yet about your parental rights?

She moved your son across the state line and is raising him in an environment that you think is not appropriate. If you really believe that your boy is better off with you, then what she wants shouldn't matter. Yes, have the conversation with her and try to be as friendly as possible, but have a legal plan in place just in case she goes crazy.

I'm gonna keep nagging you about this...boys need their daddy just as much as then need their mommy. If mommy is crazy, boys need daddy even more.

Nut

Hi Nut
Thanks for stopping by...
I did talk to a lawyer. We have equal rights to our S, so it is actually legal for her to take him across the state line.
L also told me if I need helps from court, I better do it before her residency established.
I will bring this up to her and see....
Hopefully she won't go postal on me....

MW626