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GFI - Still to much talk about W going on bruv. I mean, don't hide what your thinking but you need to do something so she is not at the forefront of your thoughts and therefore sort of dictating your happiness.

I might be in Nottingham at DTD (poker club) in early December with some online poker buddies of mine !!!

Hi GFI,

I wrote a long post but didn't put it up here cos when I read it back it sounded like I was bashing you. But I basically I agree with Arthur you really need to drop the rope and let W go, forget about reconsiling with W, even being her best friend.

Concentrate on co parenting, GAL and living a life, at the moment that won't include W.

Keep strong

Lan

Thanks guys - needed this perspective...I have done a lot of thinking and reckon i'll take steps to create some space between w and i - that, after all, is what she expressed a need for - although i hadn't factored presence of OM in that space...

I need to leave that to fate, while sorting myself out.

If W chooses to move towards me - in any way, within that space, then the option is there.

At the moment I can see that I'm trying way too hard to keep fixing things and the more i tinker the more bits I seem to have left over to sort out - kinda like when you first tackle a DIY car job! LOL - thats showing my age - you wouldn't dare tackle any car maintenance now!

KBO - GFI

GFI,



LOL,

I know where your coming from.

Oh and yes, you need to create an immediate life for you with W in the distance.

If you need to read a sitch to give you some perspective read up on Toastada again. (what would you say to him ?).


Take care

Lanzo

Hey GFI,

I noticed you said you 'ended up calling W' and having a nice lengthy chat... in terms of DBing, I'd say that was probably a no-no... especially if she has asked for space. If she initiates any convo's/phone calls, all well and good.

I dont know what you're finances are like (mine are abysmal) but I paid for 3 sessesions with a DB coach and it was very helpful and instructional in how to handle the ex... in my case, it came just at a point where I wasnt sure what was going on.. unfortunately I then found out he was seeing someone, so. I dont know.. in your case, she has an OM, but you are M with a son, so there are more reasons to want to try again..not that she has wanted to so far.

I think you said the OM lives in your village!?? Do you know much about him? (theres that other DB stuff, know what they are offering your WAS that you arent)... but dont know how you would apply that to you.

I agree with the others that you need to try and be more together, even if you are faking it till you make it. My DB coach advised me not to answer the phone straight away and then be out of puff and say, hey I just got in... like, pretend!? She said the last thing you want to present is a picture of a devastated human being, the WAS cant stand it, they cant stand the guilt and shame, dont appear needy, weepy or in any way like they ruined your life.. its not attractive.

Well, thats all the Db advice I have, for whats its worth!

Ali xxx

Hi GFI...I apologize for the delay from the notification. You've gotten great advice, though...and I love Ali's ideas. Give them a try!

We pursue that which retreats from us. - Martin Hiedegger


Worked on you didn't it? She retreated, you pursued.

Flip it around and use this human trait to your advantage. It won't work overnight, but it will work eventually.

Thanks chaps!!! Lan - I think you're rather cleverly alluding to what you believe my own advice would be to Tostada! Seriously, thanks for your angle on that - and Superstar - this is a succinct piece of advice - thank-you! And of course you are right - I fell for it hook line and sinker - pursuing W...

And Ali - thank - you for those suggestions - I'm going to practice my puffing!!! Although are you seriously saying I need to be like OM!!! OMG! Joking aside, I can see what you're saying - but there are some, sorry, many aspects of him I would rather not ape! On a positive front I'm doing well on the not being devastated...

KBO - GFI

Yep thats exactly what I was aiming at, a lot of us are great at giving advice when we see a specific situation but find it difficult to implement that advice to our own sitch.

You have all the strength, knowledge and wisdom to deal with your own sitch, it's just that the judgement gets clouded by emotion and the history you have with W.

Take care and keep KBO'ing


Lanzo

Well folks - here's an update...as much for me as anyone, but of course as always - any observations are welcome...

I have been working hard to leave lots of space for my W, have done pretty well retreating I think, although its pretty difficult keeping a PMA when I go round to my old home to spend the night with S6 when W is spending the night with OM. I need to hurry up and get my place sorted out so S6 and I can spend those nights here. that will do my PMA good I think.

On to me...I went out for the first time in 18 months with work mates and had a good night...a good few people seemed pleased to see me out and about and I was pleased to be there. I enjoyed a drink, didn't go mad and called it a day at 10 and got train home. And today got my internet connection finally sorted out at my new place.

TMed W to say that I'd be up for doing something together with S6 and got a pretty positive response...we might do something tomorrow...

Then got a phone call at about 5.30 from W saying that S6 and her were off to the cinema and would I like her to collect me on the way...unfortunately I was driving and couldn't take the call and by the time I got the Vm it was too late...but nevermind. I have plenty to do but it was good to feel thought of...

I suppose W was only inviting me along for benefit of S6 but nonetheless...

The house is proving a challenge to sort out...but slowly slowly.

Have got on to the coaching programme I applied for through work - they have a programme where volunteers can get some coaching qualifications in return for input to local groups / schools - I'm pretty chuffed with that...have a meeting on Thursday to get more info.

KBO - GFI