8 weeks ago I got the shock of my life when my wife told me she wanted a divorce, was willing to walk away with nothing and even sign the house over to me and leave our three sons here with me (ages 14, 11 & 8) I am 100% disabled due to spinal problems. Neck has had 3 surgeries and lower back one. I am likely due for another lumbar surgery and will know for sure when I see the surgeon in a few weeks.
She told me I was too wrapped up in my world of self pity and that she had no desire for me at all. Hadn't in 7 to 10 years.
My 1st reaction was to accept all the blame until I read Divorce Busting.
There I had my eyes opened to the fact my disabilities were only part of the problem. My loss of self respect, my losss of wanting to try was also part due to years of ever increasing rejection from her.
My wife who I do love is not the type to talk about problems. She internalizes everything and it finally came to the explosion point. She is now in counseling as I have been for 8 years. Making little progress from what she tells me (both of us).
I will share a story I wrote in my next post that I hope sheds some light on me, my feelings and where she is presently. Behind that brick wall.
I have over these past 7 or 8 weeks changed considerably, which she tells me scares her and causes mistrust. Go figure.... I've even put my physical pain aside, started walking and exercising. I am now walking 6 to 10 miles per day with 2 ruptured lumbar discs (honestly!) and have dropped weight from 236 to my present 196 and I only started 4 weeks ago. I'm lifting weights (just had anterior and posterior cervical fusion in May) and my strength is improving considerably.
Well, that's enough for my opening statement. MMy short story to follow.
The Oriole Chick and the Love of My Life The Oriole, a Portent of Things to Come… It was a beautiful late June morning that found me in our yard appreciating the green grass, the trees in full bloom and the warm sun beating down on me. I was dressed in shorts and a t-shirt for the first time in months. I was in the midst of yard work and maintaining the newly planted garden when I realized just how wonderful a day it was. The previous long winter that had snow cover on the ground from early November well into April was now a distant memory, making this fine day even that much more pleasurable. I could hear all around me the sounds of spring and the beginnings of new life. Birds were calling to one another within the trees and frogs in the pond were sounding out in search of new mates. Everything seemed perfect but in all that natural music, I detected something out of place. It caught my ear several times but I continued on with my chores, each time dismissing it as of no concern. It took quite a bit of time to pass before I finally convinced myself that something was out of place and that some attention to whatever I was hearing demanded some investigation. I put the rake I was using up against the garden fence and trained my ears on the noise that had persisted for so long. It took me a moment or two to zero in on the direction of the sound before I started to follow it across the property, over a split rail fence and to the edge of the woods across the street for our home. There, in the tall grass and weeds that choked the road side, I found a new born bird in the grasp of a Garter snake. I watched the natural order of this predator and prey relationship for some time in morbid fascination. As timed passed and nothing seemed to be happening, my curiosity got the better of me. I could not clearly see the snake or bird and decided to drag them out of the tangle of vegetation for a better look at what was happening. In Steve Erwin style, I manage to find the very tail of the snake and grasp it ever so lightly with just my fingertips. Their battle continued as I slowly pulled them from the cover of these tall weeds. It was then I noticed the true dilemma. The snake’s baby bird meal was actually too big for it to eat. The Garter snake was not much larger than a carpenter’s pencil and the bird a bit larger than a golf ball. It was no wonder this chick had been calling out for so long. The snake was incapable of any more than just holding part of the chick’s face in its mouth. I sat down still fascinated with this scene and watched for just a few more minutes. Eventually, the snake let the baby bird go and slowly slithered back to the safety of the vegetation.
I was now left with this injured, almost featherless chick. What should I do? It appeared to have lost an eye and was trembling slightly with blood covering half of its head. With no better alternative, I placed it upon a branch and hoped the parent birds would come to its rescue. I then left to continue my garden chores. An hour passed before I went back and found it still perched alone on the same branch. It was having difficulty keeping itself upright and no parent birds in were sight. Against my better judgment, I grasped it from certain doom on that branch and brought it home and into our kitchen. I showed it to my wife and three sons. A discussion took place about our possible course of action, euthanasia or nursing it to health. If that was even remotely possible we had no clue but the decision was unanimous to try and care for it. Within moments the three boys were out looking for bugs to feed it and my wife and I sat down at the computer intent on Googling some info from the internet. Within an hour we found an empty robin nest, placed it inside a Rubbermaid storage tote and added a few leafless branches for the baby bird to use as a perch. Small crickets the children had caught by the dozen were offered to it using tweezers. It ate them feverishly and before nightfall it was looking healthy and in much better condition. A trip to the local pet store the next morning had us purchasing mealworms and small crickets by the dozens. We were determined to nurse this little bird to the point it would take flight and fly off on its own. Weeks went by with us feeding it throughout the day. All five of us took great care to keep it fed and warm from pre-dawn through nightfall. As time passed, the chick grew into a fully feathered bird, with no obvious markings from it near death struggle. It being fully feathered allowed us to identify it as a Northern Oriole. With more time on the internet we learned that migrating instincts would force it to leave us in August for warmer climates to the south. Knowing this we started leaving it outside in the open tote to face the nights alone on our side porch. After a day or so, the little bird we had now named “Baby” took flight across the yard to a raspberry bush were it would feed itself berries and rummage in the fallen debris on the ground for bugs. At night it would fly off into the trees and roost until morning. On bad days, it would return to the porch often to get fed and on nicer days we would barely see it. One thing however did not change… As I would awake each morning at dawn and go outside to retrieve the morning newspaper, I would call to it and it would land upon my open hand and join me in the kitchen for breakfast. I would have my coffee and it would eat meal worms, crickets and its most favorite food, grapes cut in half. This we did for several weeks. As the end of July approached we began to wonder how much longer we would have before it departed and even further dared to wonder if it would return in the spring. We knew the poor odds of it surviving a migration and that it returning to us was very unlikely. Particularly in light of its unnatural rearing, but hope and discussion of it was frequent. This little bird had become very important to us in ways we did not expect nor would appreciate until later.
As it grew larger, it stopped frequenting the tote that had been its home and would instead perch upon a fig tree on our porch. Frequently, it would land on the window screen and we would always allow it into the house. It spent endless hours on rainy days flying around the house. Each room of our small house had a place it would take a liking to and a routine developed. It was either on top of the TV in the living room, the stapler on the office desk or on the decorative bowl of apples sitting upon our kitchen table. Its dropping would be frequent but cleaning them up was a small price to pay for this bird we came to love. All relationships have their benefits and require work. This one was new, fun and exciting. Droppings on just about everything were accepted and cleaned as they happened. On the 25th of July, a Friday, which just so happens to be my wife’s birthday, we saw Baby for the last time. It had been stormy for days with frequent thunder and lightning. We suspected Baby was seeking shelter somewhere and did not worry about her. Saturday morning as I retrieved my morning paper, I call to her and expect her to land in my hand as she had done for several weeks. She called to me from what sounded like the tree above the house but she did not come down. Calling to her further did not result in a different response. A call back but no approach… My wife a few hours later asked about her and she too went looking. Again, her calls back to us from the tree above were all my wife could elicit. It was odd but not unusual. She had done this before but never in the morning. The day progressed and Baby failed to show or be heard from. We suspected she was following her instinct to migrate to warmer climates and that was the end of our relationship. Sunday morning, I again heard from her as I retrieved my morning paper, just as the day before. This time I heard from her just once and that was it. Attempts to call her down from the tree went unanswered. Baby was nowhere to be heard from or seen again. She had brought much to our lives as we nursed her to health and watched her mature into a self sufficient bird. She could forage for bugs and fruit and could take care of herself. We completed the job we had set out to do. Or so we thought….. Monday morning came as any other day. After reading the morning paper and having my coffee alone for the third straight day, I set out to the back yard to sit in the hot tub for a relaxing soak. As I passed the back of the house I spotted the tote Baby had used as a safe house for the first few weeks she spent with us. I had set it under the office window air conditioner several days earlier to catch some of the condensate water dripping from it. It needed just enough to wet the bottom of the tote to loosen the dried droppings Baby had left behind in it. I had planned on washing it later that same day I put it there but somehow forgot about it. That’s when it occurred to me. The days of storms we had had these past few days had filled the tote quite deep with water. I nervously approached the container fearing the worst. Looking into it, I realized the worst. Baby had sought shelter in her old safety zone and found herself mired in too much water to free herself. She succumbed to the elements and was floating dead upon the surface. It was a terrible discovery to say the least. The realization that followed however made me sick to my stomach.
The true tragedy struck me hard when I realized I had missed the opportunity to save her for two days and nights. Throughout both Friday and Saturday evenings, while I sat in the office by the computer just beside the window, I had heard on dozens of occasions something moving near my feet. At first I thought it to be one of my dogs moving in their sleep. I then rationalized it was a mouse outside moving along the foundation and through the leaves that had accumulated there. Baby and the tote never occurred to me. I had considered going outside a few times with a flashlight but it being late and I tired, I just went to bed on both nights. All along, Baby was in that water filled tote struggling to get out and I was clueless to her plight. The reason we would hear her calls from the tree above the house was that the tote was directing the sound upwards and it was reflecting back at us from the underside of the tree’s leaves. Baby had survived and flourished under our care. She slowly ventured out into the world and had become acclimated to her new surroundings but when things got tough as the thunderstorms hit us, she tried to return to her place of safety and found herself all alone and trapped. Her struggling and calling out for help went unanswered for days and in the end she paid for her mistake with her life. The Love of My Life Earlier this year, at about the time of the death of Baby Oriole, my wife came to me with a warning. She did not want to live the life we were living together anymore and requested that I pull myself up and get on with my life or she would leave. Unlike the young Oriole that called out for help continuously and finally gained my attention, my wife said nothing more and I dismissed it as just a bad day. I disregarded it as something that would pass. She had in the past been unhappy with me but had always been a person of very strong convictions. Ending our marriage of 24 years was not even remotely possible in my mind. She was too strong and resilient to let it get to that point. In retrospect, I can’t blame her for her dissatisfaction with me. I had for the previous six and a half years been on disability and wallowing in self pity, following surgery to repair some cervical disc injuries. The surgeries had not been successful and left me in continued discomfort. I had also had surgery many years previously on lumbar discs and found myself hurting from head to toe. Neither of which was causing acute pain but they limited me in my daily activities and made sleep too limited in length and quality. I applied for and received full disability from Social Security. I was going downhill in life fast and lost my self esteem. I often found myself embarrassed when I ran into people I knew from the past and they asked, “What are you doing now”. This led to my avoiding public places and staying home more and more. I stopped going places with the family and became agoraphobic. My wife cried out to me about it and the problems it was creating but I minimized them and disregarded her calls for help. She eventually stopped nagging me about it and I thought she had accepted it when in reality; she had given up on me. She has since insisted upon a divorce!!!!
Somewhere along our troubled summer, my wife mention in passing that the little Oriole had meant a lot more to her than I realized. She explained how she had taken quite a bit of inspiration from its initial near death struggle, its subsequent ability to survive long enough to venture out into an unknown world. Remembering the bird recently was cause for a revelation. Her previous cries for help did not register with me. I missed what she was implying as she told me about the inspiration the bird provided her. She had realized that she too could venture out into a new world if she just tried hard enough. Thoughts of divorce were brewing for a long time and I had been oblivious to them. I was too wrapped up in my little world of self pity to notice or even care about what she was trying to say.. It was only a week ago that I became aware of the true effect the Oriole had upon my wife. I did not notice and act upon the cries for help from my wife as I did with Baby. I failed to educated myself in how to recognize the injuries and pain she was feeling. I failed to learn what was needed to nurture and support the marriage so that it could heal and survive. I did not encourage her. I did not express my expectations from her but ignored her instead. With the bird I encouraged it with attention and gifts of food. With my wife I should have done something similar. Flowers, candy, attention and more of my time above all else should have been my response. I left her wanting and feeling unloved. She now feels alone in our marriage and not loved or appreciated. I get it now….. I now find myself reflecting upon all the similarities with both tragic events and realize the outcome of our marriage is not set in stone as is the death of the young bird. I still have hope and time on my side. My wife’s cries have now been heard loud and clear and I can only hope it is not too late to respond to them. Her instinct to leave the nest and migrate to a warmer or in this case a more loving environment has not come to fruition. She is still here!!!!! I still may have a chance. Unlike the struggling bird outside my office window, I do not intend to let these cries pass unnoticed and unattended to this time. The bird died due to my lack of following through and recognizing the situation for what it was. I would be remiss for not doing everything I can humanly muster to save this marriage and my wife from the truly cruel world out there. I honestly believe she will survive out there but I also know she can do more than that here with me and my sons. Here with me now listening to her, responding to her and changing, she can flourish like never before. It seems like such a long time ago that we were so happy and loving. Time passes and memories fade. It all seems so faulty looking back at the past with a poor view on the mind. We’ve built a great life here together with our children and the BEST thing for them is for us to repair our relationship, reconcile our differences and set an example to them that seemingly insurmountable problems can be overcome with the right motivation and convictions. I can only hope and pray that the cries I’m now hearing are not too late and that I have time to rescue my wife and marriage from their current struggles. Letting the marriage die without putting every last ounce of myself into it would be the greatest tragedy. To the Love of My Life: Please my dearest, see the efforts I have been making and the goals I have recently achieved and know that change is possible. I am hearing you now. It is not too late to fix this marriage and save our children from the harm divorce will bring. If you can’t do it for me at least try to do it for them. They are innocent in all this and deserve much better from both of us. I’m trying! Please join me!!!! Your loving husband, Jason
Epilogue October 3, 2008 I read this story to my wife a few nights ago. Her interpretation of the end was completely different than mine. She pointed out the bird stayed too long and died. She’s trying to get out before I cause her death…. Here I am hoping to save her as she drowns in the water filled tote and she wants no help… That has been the story of her life. “I’ll not burden anyone with my troubles, I’ll handle it myself”. Her inability to express anger, her ability to internalize all that ails her is what got her here today. One of these days, all that bottled up anger will cause her to explode. The anger needs to be let out.
Hi JayR Sorry you find yourself here, I hpe you can find what you are looking for.
I can relate to your wife. Drowning is exactly how I described my feelings to our MC the first time we went. I am a feeling stuffer as well. IC has helped me with that.
I hope it will be helpful for your wife too, but I would suggest that you need to be in an emotionally healthy place to hear those feelngs when she starts to share them.
How can we help?
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I'm at a point where I've been changing myself and improving in those areas where I failed and I seem to get nothing but resentment at this point. She calls my attempts to rectify my half of the problems as a "slap in the face". And then asks "why couldn't you do these things before I reached me low point"
Telling her I did not hear what she was TRYING to communicate back then gets me no where. Bottom line is I hear her now and I understand. How long can she go before she starts to come to grips with the situation and makes a decision to leave or stay?
We cannot afford to live separately and she has asked for a divorce but to be allowed to stay here. I said No-way can I handle that. She may be ready for someone new but I am not ready and could not handle it.
Our three sons told her if she was to divorce me, she was not welcome here and I did not put them up to that. She now feels like she has 3 options, stay and be miserable (which does no good) go and lose everything or die....
Her doc gave her anxiety meds but she refuses to take them. She sits in her car when she gets home for long periods and does not want to come in. She dreads being at home brings us all down while she is here and refuses to acknowledge she is depressed and tells her shrink that she has a more clear mind than ever.
Listening to me ramble helps. She now feels like she has 3 options, stay and be miserable (which does no good) go and lose everything or die....
I was going to respond to some other things further up in your reply but this one caught my eye & I think needs immediate attention. If she is saying things that one of her options is to 'die', that needs some serious attention.
How is that being addressed??
While I 'felt' as if I was drowning, I did not WANT to and was fighting to find a way to not drown in my marriage, but dying was not an option.
Originally Posted By: JayR
Her doc gave her anxiety meds but she refuses to take them. She sits in her car when she gets home for long periods and does not want to come in. She dreads being at home brings us all down while she is here and refuses to acknowledge she is depressed and tells her shrink that she has a more clear mind than ever.
Does he know she doesn't take them? Have you called and asked him what you can do to help support her? For other recommendations they can make?
Originally Posted By: JayR
I'm at a loss as to what to do or not do....
ARe you in counseling? You can not control what she does. You can only control you. That is hard to come to terms with when you see the person you love doing what you perceive as harmful things.
How old are your sons?
Last edited by Bridgestone; 10/04/0802:47 PM.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Her primary doc knows she is not taking them as he is my PCP as well. Her therapist does not know b ut I told my therapist who is in the same practice and the word should get to her doc, at least I hope it does. I also mentioned her suicide talk to him so I believe there is enough there to warrant some communications between the two of them.
I've been seeing the same counselor for 8 years and have been pleading with my wife to come in and shed light on what she wanted me to attend to in my sessions. She came with me once and just listened. After we left, she said she "would not return as talking about stuff doesn't help AND I DO NOT WANT TO BRING UP MY PAST". Big clue there!@!!! Yeah, she has a lot in her past buried.
This is my first post on this forum. I realize your story about the Oriole didn't impact your wife as anticipated...but over time she may come to a different outlook on it.
I wanted to thank you for sharing it with us though, as you did touch my heart. I feel like that baby bird too, and that's what I believed I had to do...fly away or die (on the inside). I still don't know if I won't one day. But I think that perhaps my H did finally start to hear my cries as well.
He has infuriated me several times by saying I can't make it in the cruel world out there...but you gave me a slightly different perspective today on what he could have meant.
Some insight from me...my H has made some changes as well. It does cause mistrust...and terror, frankly. Terror that if I believe it, it will be a hundred times worse for me when it goes back to how it was. I realize this requires a major amount of patience from you. But a few weeks of change compared to years of what caused her pain isn't enough for her to accept so readily, IMHO.
Maybe she doesn't doubt your sincerity, even, just your ability to really maintain the changes. Now that you "get it" I'm sure you are ready to just get to it and make everything great for her...but it will take a lot of time. And from some of your other posts, it seems clear that she has a lot of other issues hurting her right now.
But again, thank you. You've added another drop into my mostly empty bucket of trust. I'm beginning, I suppose, to believe that my H might truly be sincere, or at least entertain the idea that he might have better intentions than I give him credit for. Maybe...
We had a talk the other day that I think may have impacted her view point.
Several years ago I had tried to discuss her lack of attenti0n to me and the missing intimacy. Her reply to each attempt to fix this problem was that with 3 young sons, she was in "Mom mode"" and the wife mode was not high on her priority list. She asked that I be patient with her and that as time went by, the kids would get older and she would have more time for me.
I find it quite ironic that she never realized that she was neglecting me all those years but found my neglect of within these past 6 months or so to be so terrible. It gave her a little different perspective.
I honestly think I have no hope of winning her back here. I'm going to try but I really feel she's just waiting for a better time financially and for the youngest to be a few years older.
I told her that she knew where I stood, how I felt and that it was all up to her at this point. I'm maintaining my changes, still working on other improvements but I am moving on with her or without her.
Thank God for friends and family.... I don't know where I would be without them.
Isn't it funny that we as men tend to accept the emotional detachment far longer that women. It really speaks to the fact that women are definitely more emotional beings than men. When we as men emotionally detach from them; they are quick to bolt. I'm sure not all women are; but all the ones that we are discussing here are.
Isn't it funny that we as men tend to accept the emotional detachment far longer that women. It really speaks to the fact that women are definitely more emotional beings than men. When we as men emotionally detach from them; they are quick to bolt. I'm sure not all women are; but all the ones that we are discussing here are.
I can't speak for others, but I've been married for 14 years and endured a lot of being ignored, criticized, and devalued over that entire period. It became intense during the last three years. Only over the past year have I decided to take a stand against that sort of treatment. My H wants to know why "suddenly" there is a problem. His favorite comment to me when I voiced any complaint was "If you don't like it, leave." Last fall I said..."Okay." He changed his tune.
I think women think about it far far longer than what you're thinking.
