Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy I was unfaithful

Do you really really really know what your W wants ?

For me it was to be number 1 in his life and sadly enough I think I was. It was just that his way of showing it and how i wanted it showed were different.

why did i not receive it? How could another man deliver it ?

Who knows ! i still made a concious choice to get into bed !

No god dammit I was not number 1. Who am i kidding. I came after work and any new hobbies. i was always expected to be there at end of day. I was lonely a lot during marriage and am lonely now.

Bad bad bad day today

I forgot to clarify one thing. I forgive myself and I forgive the events that cause anger that I directed at others. I've found forgiving others is hard because I have to dredge up all the hidden crap and release it so the negative energy doesn't get a hold of me. I know that I don't want to be the same person going back into a R if we patch up the M. Whatever I was, it didn't work with whatever she was. So I've gotta change and I know she's doing some work, but not as much as I am. The risk is we might not like each other afterwards, but that's still better than being stuck in the hellish R I was in earlier. For me, the journey of awareness took me into through counseling in conjunction with a 12-step program. It's not easy and it was big-time ego deflation, but worth it.

I know I need to do this because if I get into another relationship, I want to minimize the chances of making the same mistakes.

Really rough few days and I need some advice. He is up and he is down and he is a little responsive to me and he is distant.

Again he was around for dinner after not seeing any of us for a few days. Straight after dinner I left for a walk to give him space with kids that are home. He seems to appreciate this and seems a little more relaxed upon my return.

I issued an invite for him to come play tommorrow - no one home and he said - possibly to busy at work ! Dam dam dam

I said no strings and he said - I think it is wrong. dam dam dam

I want him back so bad. I am so attracted to him I could scream!

You might have to wait for him to want to come play. I'm not sure what's going on in his mind; but if he is still thinking about the A he may need some more time.

I think you might not want to initiate again anytime soon. Just keep your PMA up. Try some 180s. It seems that giving him time with the kids lifted his spirits so maybe some more of that would help. Obviously, trying to initiate play time didn't; so I would avoid that one for awhile.

Think of some other things that you have done around him that has elicited a positive response and work upon that.

Hi

I think when I was talking about coming to play i thought i was flirting rather than inviting but it was really inviting.

I know H is better when I give him space, listen to him, respect his judgement and leave his business alone.

I think i can keep doing this.

I am a little confused on one area and that is:

Sometimes he seems P%^&ed off when I am not chasing him down all the time ie this weekend. I left my phone at work on Saturday and did not contact him at all. He always seems moody after things like this. Then he is also shitty when I ask him what he has been doing and where abouts......However it might be my imagination but he seems to be quietly letting me know where he is.

We have a big thing ( relationship wise ) coming up this weekend. Friends get together - but it is the guys end of fishing trip wind up with wifes invited. I have told him that I will not go unless he would like to take me ( I said this because he made comment that I make him uncomfortable around them ). Well my friends are not happy with the thought I may not be there. I also will be very hurt. I am not sure i could take that kind of slap in the face from him. Remebering my friends and in fact no one except H. OM and myself know this was a PA .

Thoughts anyone on what is acceptable to take as punishment for A. Is this not such a big deal ?

He's mad because he wants you to chase him even if he acts like he doesn't want you. but the fact that he is letting you know where he is might be a result of you not being in constant contact with him. It could also be a subtle hint that he would like this from you. After my W's A in april; she would call me and let me know where she was all the time and when she'd be back. Of course, when she started her new A's she gave that up.



If they are your friends too; I say that you go, enjoy yourself, and ignore him if you have too. He needs to get over being uncomfortable around you. Frankly, you need to go have a good time with friends so long as you're NOT uncomfortable.

Is it a punishment? I think it is what you decide it is.

He is telling you he is uncomfortable with you there. now you can choose what to do about that. you can

• look at it as punishment. he is punishing you. It is all negative. you don't dessrve this. you should flee this. escape.
• conclude he is immature, unable to handle reality. Look at him as an incompetent wimp. He is spineless, weak-kneed, he is not a real man if he has to direct things this way. he is not worth having. why would you want this jerk?
• decide that he is asking you to do something, and you can choose to honor the request or not. it is neither punishment of you, nor an indictment of him. it is a request. you can honor it and see where it goes, or you can rejectit and see how that works.

These are just some of the options I see - ways to see the situation based on what I read. maybe there are other options too. The point is, it is up to you.

Max I am sorry you are here, and I am sorry it is so difficult. I know this sounds empty, but I am sorry anyway. You are maybe thinking "no one knows how hard this is" but guess what? everyone here knows how hard it is.

I was with my kids over the last 3 days so completely off this board. I read everything you wrote over the past 3 days just now. you are up and down, all over the place. you are being yanked in every direction.

Why? Why are you feeling this way? is it what he is doing? is that what causes your emotions, your pain, your trials? That is a terrible place to be. Could it possibly be that you are in charge of your emotions? that he can do what he wants and you are in charge of how you respond?

This is the challenge before you. it is not easy -what you are doing. it is not easy. but it is what you have. could it be that this challenge before you is to find out of you are worthy of him, or worthy of any lifetime companion? could it be that you need to be strong yourself before you can be fully there, fullly available for a partner?


I want you to stop talking like this. I want you to stop thinking like this. can you, or can you not do this? make up your mind. no more guessing or "I think I can." Bullspit. Do or do not. Decide. You decide, then you act.

If you decide that you are going to work for him, then you will do it. If you make up your mind, then you will do what it takes. you will not be denied. you will not be disappointed. you will not be discouraged. you will do whatever it takes. if you decide, then you will act.

Sometimes "Acting" means, tolerating everything. Sometimes it means not analyzing. Read what you wrote:



Look at all the analysis. Does it make sense? no. Are you ever going to figure it all out? Leave it alone. Stop analyzing. Let it rest. Stop agonizing. Stop trying to make sense of it. Stop letting him steer your moods and your life. Stay the course. You've decided what you want. You know the course you need to stay on. Do it.

Sometimes "acting" means you are the duck, and life is the water. Let it run off your back. "Acting" definitely means being strong and leaving him alone. Leave him alone. Flirt, but no pushing. Look hot, but no desperation. You are strong. Stop acting weak. He will not be attracted to weak, believe me.

If you are worth it, you will prove it now.

Decide.

You may decide you don't want him. Fine. Act on that, if that is what you want: Move on.

The thing that hurts you is when you won't decide. or when you "say" that you've decided but you don't really sign up to what's required. When you want to decide but you are afraid of what it takes (either way) to live with your decision.

Really decide. The everything gets easier.

I have been reading your threads, but have not posted until now. I agree with Sirprizeme on this. This is an old movie, but the first minute can relate to your sitch. Don't be the grape and get squished. Been their and not a good place to be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PycZtfns_U