Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? I guess it's over

((Trixi))

Good job!!! Glad it went so well. Sorry for the tears after, but you stayed really strong. Hooray!



SO glad to see this! This is a step towards detachment.. taking care of yourself, doing what YOU feel you need. You still wondered if he noticed but that's a whole different feeling than doing it hoping for a reaction, isn't it?

Now another idea for you - start putting up some pics (and loading your frame/wallpaper) from your "new" life. I still have a beautiful collage from my Sonoma "sanity road trip" last fall - they're on the fridge so I see them a lot and it makes me happy. I also started a photo album when H moved out, and forced myself to take pics and put them in there. At first it was a little sad but it was also pretty empowering to have my OWN photo album, documenting my friends, my activities, etc. - not just "us" all the time.

And although it's not WHY I did it, H sure noticed. He "snooped" through my album and camera memory card several times, which I found quite hilarious. Even to this day if I have that album out (i.e. I took it out to show someone a picture of my friend's dog), he often looks through ALL the pictures and often asks me the same questions - who's that, where's that, did you have fun at ____, etc. Even though I've answered them a gazillion times it's like he forgets or wants to make sure the answer's the same or something.

You are so much more than a toilet tank. Just teasin' though, I know what you mean. I think you ARE getting there.

I forgot to mention earlier - I think my post sounded a bit like I was pushing you to file for D and that definitely was not my intent. I meant it when I asked these questions:

Even if he DOES change his mind in the 11th hour...

Can you trust him?
Can you risk (emotionally/mentally) going through this again, given his history?
What would it take for you to actually feel SECURE in an R with him again?

If the answers to 1 and 2 are yes... maybe it's time to at least think through the answers to #3, just in case. If the answers are no, then the signs probably point to you filing when you're ready (as I doubt he'll ever bother to do it).

Hi Trixi,

Sorry it's taken so long to reply, I seem to be really busy at the moment. Not sure where the time goes, phew!

Glad to hear that you are starting to have some fun outside of your sitch. Meetup is a really good organisation for meeting people. I go to a book club near here and it's been great for forming a new social group, especially since I decided to detach from all of W's friends at the same time as her. That left me out in the cold a little bit, since my W did most of the social organising before the sep. The good news is that I'm now really busy all the time, I'm actually craving a bit more free time.

I guess you will feel a lot of emotion of the next few months. The mind and the heart are rarely in step. It's taken me a long time to finally not expect things / hope to hear from my W. It's been about 3 weeks since we last had any communication. I still think about what happened quite a lot, but it feels like it's on the way out. Hurray!

You are right when you say it's not about you, it's about him. Particularly in your sitch. Your H basically doesn't want to commit but will still invest as little as possible to keep his options open. You deserve more and you know it. It's to your credit that you've tried as hard as you have done. I can't believe it's almost been 4 years for you. Wow. That must have been very emotionally draining.

What's new with me? Well, I am now seeing someone, which is really fun. Must be where some of my free time is going! I'm also trying hard to maintain a balance and keep improving my social circle. As I've said, I haven't heard from my W in a few weeks, although I went to see her dad for the first time since the sep about a month ago. It was a little weird but nice. All finances are sorted, I'm now stuck with a large mortgage in a depreciating market - hurray! But it's my space. Things between us have run pretty smoothly all things considered, but it's taken a lot of effort and counting to ten. One weird thing is that the last couple of times my W and I have had contact was the first time I felt that the tables had evened out. She seemed to almost want more of my time than I did of hers. Mind you, all contact has now dropped away. I don't know what that means for us long term.

Nice to have had some good contact with your SS. He sounds perceptive and good to have around.

Max

hey guys

I love that idea! I think that's so funny about your H snooping.

Mr. Doom and Gloom from the Food Crawl last Tuesday (the guy who said it takes 2 years to heal and time starts when the paperwork is final) was also saying that as a newly single person, you essentially have no history. So, not only do you have to get out of the married mindset and into the single mindset, you have to start very actively making a new history as a single. Of course, I know I have a history, but I can see that it might make a new 'friend' uncomfortable if all you can say is "My X and I went there. X and I did this and that" etc.



You know- from the position of thinking it probably won't happen, I would say that I probably *could* trust him and take the risk (if he did the right things.) But, if the situation ACTUALLY presented itself...not so sure. I read a book called "Stumbling on to Happiness" and the guy talked about how we can look favorably at doing things when they are far away and as they get closer start to have major reservations. (For instance, volunteering to babysit next month, but as the day approaches, you start to see all the "problems/challenges" with agreeing to do it.) From far away things are all blurry and don't look that bad-but closer up you can see the details. This is what I think my sitch is actually like.

It is just SO hard to give up hope. How can I just give up? I know he loves me (in his own way) and I love him. The fairytale ending is really hard to release. Especially when no "spew" has occurred. He STILL says he loves me and we could "re-marry later, (if we both wanted that)". How do I re-frame that to make it hopeless? And I am not asking rhetorically- I really mean it-- how do I re-frame what he has said to me and look at it as hopeless so I can forget about him and move on?

GREAT description of your sitch... I think that visual is right on, too.



I think by loving yourself more.

You know that you want more out of an R than your H is willing or able to give.

Love yourself enough to let go and seek a happy future. A future that may eventually involve a new R with a partner who IS willing and able to give you what you need in an R.



Hmmm... well, no verbal spew, but the way he has treated you certainly counts as "spew" in my book.



In my opinion, it doesn't need to be hopeless, so you don't need to re-frame that piece of it.

The factual side is pretty simple - he is not willing or able to give you the intimacy and closeness and commitment that you want. No matter how much love there may still be between you, it's an R/M that doesn't work for you.

Here's what you CAN reframe:

Focus on you and what you need and want out of an R. Not what your H is doing or saying. In the future, you may develop an R that DOES work for you - be it with him or someone else.

You'll never forget about him, but you can certainly grieve for the loss of your R with him, and move on. I think grieving is easier to think about when it's more concrete. For me, I knew that if H died I'd always love him, always miss him, and I'd know that he loved me, too, but he was gone and wouldn't be with me anymore. If you can think of your M in a similar way, I think you can begin to let it go.

((((Trixi)))))

(I am so sorry, I know this is going to hurt to read... I just don't know of a way to get through this part without the hurt)

Just read something very interesting (and timely) on Dana's thread in Surviving:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1622668&page=0&fpart=1

You OK Trixi??

I'm worried since I knew my post yesterday might sting. Been thinking about you.

(((Trixi)))

Aw Nik- You are a real sweetheart. I sure wish we lived closer together; and I wish I would have made it down there last year to meet you!
Nothing you said yesterday hurt all that much. I mean, you're right, he may not have *verbally* spewed at me, but keeping me sequestered like I was something to be ashamed of, sure isn't cool.
A guy friend called me last night to check in and he had A LOT to say. He was incensed with how my H is saying nice things; IOW, he was like "he needs to grow a pair, tell you like it is and let you move on. He's being a selfish prck"

Last night I went to a Pool Meetup. (Didn't play pool, but it was fun. The non-date guy convinced me to go and I am glad he did.)

Today I went and picked up my lawnmower from the other meetup guy and then we went out for appetizers and a drink. He is very understanding of my sitch; we have a lot in common art wise. I think right now he probably sees me as a high risk proposition. (rightfully so.)

Tonight I will go to the karaoke place. Tomorrow afternoon my team and I are doing a wine and chocolate tasting event for our clients and then tomorrow night I am going to a casino with my guy friend that I have known for 32 years. We had a great time this afternoon going down memory lane. He totally cracks me up til I have tears in my eyes so I think that will be a blast.

Last night I heard that there are several divorce support groups thru meetup, so I signed up for a couple of those and a women in transition group.

I haven't gone to that link you posted; I'll go check it out.

Thanks so much for checking up on me

((Trixi))

Whew... glad it wasn't too bad.



Ahhh my favorite pet peeve that I never even used to notice... the notion that you can control person A's behavior by person B telling person C what person A needs to do.

My Mom does this ALL THE TIME. I used to just ignore it but it drives me nuts. A few times recently my response has been "wow, lemme know when you figure out how to control someone else's behavior - we'll write a book and be rich!" Hasn't changed anything but maybe someday.. I mean really, my Mom needs to understand that she can't control my H by telling me what he needs to do. Easy trap isn't it?

Anyway... rant over.. haha.

Yes, he's being incredibly selfish, and I think he HAS told/shown you how "it is" recently. At least from his side. Being nice to you doesn't change any of that. You know where he stands, now you have to decide where you stand in response to that. I was a little confused by why your friend wants your H to be nasty to you. Maybe to make it easier for you to let go?

Sounds like you had a lot of fun this weekend, that's great!

I hope the D support groups are good but I wanted to mention, definitely be cautious with those. Some of them are probably good, but I know that some of the ones around here have issues. Some of them are definitely very bitter, a lot of WAS bashing type things - getting really hung up on negativity about the X/STBX instead of moving forward. The women only ones can fall into man-bashing pretty quickly too. Which is fine once in awhile for some venting I think! Not healthy all the time though. One of the groups around here is also AWFUL in terms of attracting men who are looking for vulnerable women (and probably vice versa, not sure). There's one group here I know of that's really good and has been helpful for a lot of people too, so they're out there, but just be cautious.

Hope you had fun with your friend!

Tough few days.
It's a lot easier when I just pretend he isn't around anymore. But on Friday I was at the karaoke bar and and texting my daughter and she mentioned that H and SS were stopping by her apartment (around 9:30-10pm downtown Seattle). I am sure that H and SS were headed out to party. And for some reason, that just sucked for me.

My buddy flaked out on me last night; which was totally for the best. The wine and chocolate tasting event went well, but by the time my team and I got done meeting afterwards, I didn't get home til 10pm. And today I did NOT feel good.

I definitely do not want to hookup with a negative divorce support group. I signed up for 3 altogether, so at least I have several to pick from.

Sigh

I miss him. I wish...I just wish.

(((Trixi)))

Sorry for the tough few days. You'll pick yourself back up again. In fact, by the time you read this, hopefully you already have.

Keep working on detaching - you'll get there.