Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? I guess it's over

I certainly agree that I don't want to rush into anything.But I think I will look like a total dweeb if I fire a warning shot. He aleady said he doesn't want to be married. He isn't calling me. He isn't approaching me. He is making no overtures in my direction whatsoever. I don't have leverage. He needs to start missing me before I even *have* leverage. Right now I am sure he feels like a weight has been lifted from him.

Going back to the xbf; he sort of did a warning shot with me last night. He said "you need to do what you need to do. It's going to be like walking thru he11 and extremely difficult [to go thru the divorce process]. I want to be with you. But if you don't indicate to me in the near future that you are open to being with me, then you might find I am not so 'johnny-on-the-spot'. I need to look out for myself and I am willing to wait for a bit, but not forever."
My thoughts were "STOP PRESSURING ME." "If that's how you feel; that's fine. If you aren't there later because I didn't jump thru your hoops- whatever." I felt it was totally a ridiculous play on his part to try to 'threaten' me to try to get me off the dime. He (of course) doesn't have that sort of leverage with me. When he talked future stuff, my first thought was "Don't count on me for that." (eerily reminiscent of how my H feels towards me.) The convo ended with me re-explaining (for the umpteen'th time) that I only needed a friend right now; I don't want anything serious; I am not "over" my H/marriage and I need time to heal; and that he needs to back the heck off.

Me telling H that he has to do XYZ to be with me and that he has a short window of time to accomplish that, is rather like the employee who says immediately after being canned "OH YEAH?! You can't fire me because I QUIT!"

I'll bet H is totally distracted with the moving in of his 21yo son. I am sort of baffled on what to do about contacting SS. I would like to call him and say "Hey, welcome back." and see how things are going for him-BUT the only way I can reach him is on my H's cell. I don't want to speak to H. At all. But I don't want SS to feel like I didn't even care enough to check in.
Thoughts?

Trixi - I tend to agree with your line of thinking on this. I think having this letter and understanding of how you want to be treated will be helpful. Particularly if your H IS still attracted and comes back around (which I suspect he will). At that time you'll be able to show him how you expect to be treated (or he doesn't get to spend time with you).



I'm not so sure about this... I don't think a piece of paper and a legal agreement is going to help stop the emotions. Giving him up, letting him go, and moving on emotionally can all happen with or without the D.

Dating someone else or certainly marrying someone else, yes, you need the D... but I think you can work on those other things first. Focus on mentally and emotionally moving on. The paperwork can come later if/when you're ready.

Oh about SS... someone's got to have contact info for him, don't they? Grandparents maybe? I'd try to get his info from someone else.

The contact info IS my H. SS is moving in with him. (H picked him up at the airport yesterday..as far as I know.) SS has no job, no cell, etc. Maybe my daughter knows his email, but I'm not sure if he will still have it; he goes thru them like socks. I guess I can try that route; I just wish I could reach him sooner.



True enough. There will come a point, though, that *if* I even want to have the opportunity to get serious about someone, I may need that piece of paper. If *I* was looking for a long term relationship, I would avoid someone that was 'only' separated-regardless of 'sure' they were that they would be divorced in the future.

This will be quite the journey. I almost feel like I am about to enter my own MLC.

((Trixi))

Try to look at it as a MLO (Mid Life Opportunity)? A D'd friend of mine at work got a butterfly tattoo recently, she said it signified her transformation after her D.

As for SS... hm. The only ideas I have that don't involve contact with your H are also kind of iffy. One would be go visit when you know your H is at work or away from the house. It gets the job done in terms of seeing SS but could be seen very badly by your H (invasion of privacy type thing). The other would be dropping a card/letter to your SS c/o your H. This also might get the job done - but not as quickly as you're hoping for, and it means you're relying on H to pass on the mail. I know, neither is perfect! Just throwing out ideas to see if anything sounds good to you.

If you do have to contact H, maybe instead of calling you can send a short email or text message? It can be polite but to the point - "Hi H, I wanted to welcome SS back if he moved in as planned but I don't have a way to reach him. Can you ask him to give me a call?" The downside to this plan is that he may not have a way to call you other than H's cell.

Hmmmm.

I need to keep thinking..

My W had an annoying (to me) habit of ending discussions or debating about some direction or action we needed to take with "It's up to you". She didn't really mean it literally. It took me years to understand it really meant "We've talked about this extensively and you understand my viewpoint on this, which I have firmly given to you, so I'm leaving it to you to make the final decision". Whichever decision I take, I better know damned well why. My gut feeling is you H is nowhere near that point of being able to articulate a decision.




Um...yes, there is a bit of trilling of R's in Italian, but nowhere as bad as Spanish. And Italian is the passionate language. But it is not as romantic as French. I speak both and once met a French girl speaking fluid Italian with a French accent. Whoa baby!!



I haven't read enough of other people's forums, but this is a question running through my mind. Do I want my W back? Given how she's acting now? No. But if I understand her actions as being a result of my untrustworthy behaviour? Then maybe, I need to wait until she isn't so jacked off at me so I can remind myself how she was when I met her and things were neutral to positive.

I had my chat with my DB coach and one of the things we discussed was friendship and how it FEELS. I'm still little edgy and fearful around my W because I perceive or imagine she's still judging me. If I ask her, I know she'll say yes. If I don't, I think she'll just watch other behaviours of mine to see if they're consistent. So I'm always under scrutiny. I HATE it. I know what I did to hurt her and I know I stopped. Period. But I still FEEL "not-so-good" around her and I don't like that "not-so-good" feeling. Jody said I should stop worrying about what W thinks and more on how I am coming across to her. Not just words during interactions, but body languge, clothes. Even losing weight will make a statement, so I need to start working out and watching what I eat. But how I FEEL with her is still something that I need to improve so I can FEEL better generally.



Good that you told him to BACK OFF. How is he going to make you feel if he's so clingy and in-your-face right away? I think some light dates with a range of guys would be good. Just easy ones. No pressure. Just enjoy yourself.

Journaling:
Still no word from H. Of course, he could say the same thing about me, so....

Went out with non-date guy (NDG) on Tuesday to celebrate his birthday along with a friend of his. It was basically a Food Crawl for Charity downtown; so we walked to all the participating restaurants and got a little sample of whatever they were offering. Scallops; lentil salad w/duck confit; lamb shanks and shepards pie;bacon and onion tart--lots more-- it was very yummy. His friend is 4 years divorced and had lots of insight about the emotional process. And it wasn't pretty. ugh. After that, NDG and I went to a dance club that was playing 80's music so that was fun.
Last night I went to a meetup in a little pub; met some women that want to see my jewelry (Christmas coming up) and also a guy that was SUPER interesting. Used to be an engineer, but now basically dabbles around in art. He loves animals (his mom does some animal rescue). He mentioned stamping PMC (silver), but that he was done with that hobby and wanted to sell his old type set that he used to stamp. I have been looking at purchasing a set of letters so I can stamp silver; score! AND, even though he was 7 years older than me, he looked very young. (I pointed that out because a lot of the guys near my age look A LOT older. Not that it's all about looks-I'm just saying.) He just picked up some watercolor stuff and is looking to take a class. I have looked into taking a class within the past 3 months.

So, we didn't start talking until near the end of the meetup and everyone else left and we stayed at the place for another couple+ hours.

ANYway, he may be in contact today so that I can check out the letter stamps and see if they'll work for what I want to do.

My main point of that whole dialogue was that I was pleasantly surprised. That there was a guy out there that likes art type things; likes animals; is attractive, smart and funny; active but able to read and be 'chill' AND is single, near my age that doesn't want any more children..well, I am glad to know it's possible. The 4yr divorced guy said that I *will* have a rebound relationship and it *will* suck big-time when it ends; which makes me want to avoid having any "relationships"....Maybe dating my H and having it fall apart (again) can be my rebound..? lol

So, for now, I feel like I am walking around a huge buffet table with an empty plate in hand. Checking out what is being served, but not ready to put anything on my plate. Just enjoying seeing my choices before I start nibbling.

Well, SS did NOT come out this past Monday-it got moved to next Monday.

I found out because I saw H online so I sent him an IM asking him to have SS call. H told me our refund check came (THANK GOD!). He talked a little Spanish; said he's been really busy- I said I have been too. Neither one of us asked for details.
It was friendly and light. So, that was good. No talk of "filing online" or whatever. I know we'll need to address that at some point in the future, but I don't feel like I have my ducks in a row yet.

I have a pretty good lead on a seller/buyer. She seems to like me a lot, so staying hopeful there.

So, glad that the conundrum on what to do about SS has been solved; super glad to hear the refund check arrived; been getting out and staying busy..4 out of the last 6 days.

I still don't want to get a D, but time for me to get out of denial and quit casting the pearls before the swine. (Or however that saying goes.)

Hiya Trixi,

Just passing through and have caught up with your news just now. Sounds like your sitch has moved on a little, which although it may be not the direction you hoped for, is still a good thing IMHO. You know I think your H does not respect you enough and is out to have his cake and eat it, and yes, there are millions of men who would be a better match to you. However, there is a painful process you still have to endure, should you carry on along that path, but things do get better and there are upsides as you are beginning to experience.

Anway, hugs to you and hope your world isn't spinning too madly.

Max

MAAAAAAXXXXXX!!!
how are you??
what's been going on?
Update please