Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again No more looking 4 Happy, Going to create it myself

Thanks, guys.

Sara, I agree that letting this slide would just be "more of the same". And any time I have let something slide with H, in later conversations he would admit that he knew what the right thing to do was, he just didn't do it.

So I can't just let it go. I will give him until he gets back tomorrow night to mention it, then I will ask about it. I am thinking a 4 hour plane ride should give him time to think/write if he didn't make time before that.

Then, if I have to mention it Friday night, he will have until Sunday to come up with a response. I am tired of being the one pulling the load. It is put up or shut up time. (I won't say it quite like that to H though!) I will use nicer, but firm, words if need be.

BBJ,

In my humble opinion, there is nothing wrong with "put up or shut up". I think you've earned the right to say that....

Hey BBJ,

I know exactly how you feel...I have been there and it is not a fun place to be. You need to consider however the possibility that your H says this is not working.....I am not saying that is what will happen but are you ready for that?

It is possible H will say this is not working. In that case, he has to leave. I am not uprooting myself and my children from the home I chose for us when I thought H was possibly not coming back. We got this house without him (his name on the loan, but you know what I mean, I chose it for me and the kids).

If he says it is not working, I will ask him what he thinks WILL work. Then we will go from there.

I know for a fact that H will not be happy without me. He may have to find that out the hard way. Whatever is wrong with him, it is not me, it is not our children, it is something he will have to figure out.

On a totally unrelated note, H left a super-upbeat message on our machine the second night in a row...

Our S6 recorded the message on our machine when he was 3 1/2 or 4.

H says tonight "Well, if that isn't the best message on any machine in the world! Bobbi I was trying to call you guys before I headed in to dinner. I will try you on your cell phone. Bye."

So the past two nights he is Mr. Upbeat on the phone. Very nice when he actually talks to me, too. But not a hint of a mention of the letter I sent him........

What will you do if he gives you 'more of the same'. eg "Gee BBJ I'm working on it in my own way. I need more time. It isn't a switch I can just throw...etc etc"

? How 'bout then?

For what it's worth, your feelings and sitch at this point appear to be scarily similar to mine, you are just far more eloquent!!

I have no clue. I really wish we didn't have kids (OK, NOT REALLY BUT IN THIS CONTEXT!) so I could just kick him out for now and not have to think about it...

I had the kids call H last night to say goodnight. He was in the restaurant having dinner. They said goodnight, I only had about 30 seconds b/c he was busy. Which was fine.

I texted him an hour later to see if he was still at dinner. He replied that he was just about done. I replied back that I would be up for another hour or so, was just thinking about him...

He never replied, called, nothing.... Okay that is dramatic. My response was more like

So I figure he is just choosing not to give me what I want. I don't believe in "can't" at this point, like when some say "he can't give you what he doesn't have". My H is self-aware enough to admit that he knows what he should be doing, he just "doesn't do it", in his own words.

I sent him a very carefully, lovingly thought-out letter, I asked him to take some time to think about it, I have continued to reach out to him, I just feel completely ignored. As though I am just not important enough to H to be worth the effort.

And that is not acceptable.

I got 4 hours sleep on Wed. and 5 last night. Head is killing me with a migraine and my neck is super tight. Ick! Wishing I was brave enough/irresponsible enough to go to the office and take a sick day. Blech

Take a sick day. You are going through much more now than you probably will be later. You need it. Do it. It's Friday!!! Stay home and be good to yourself.

That's my vote.
Oh, and excellent letter and "posture". Assuming you don't ask questions that you aren't prepared to hear the answer to, you asked because you need the answers now.

When my kids back me into a corner and insist on a "yes" or "no" though, I always take the safest route, with the least amount of possible damage.

I hate to do this. But. What if. What if he is feeling residual withdrawl from past lifestyle-- that is-- non commitment to fidelity. What if he honestly isn't sure he can maintain something he never has (he really needs IC!) and wants to do this (new relationship in new home with you and kids) right and honest and needs more time?

I just want you to be prepared-- on all levels, for that which you cannot control. It's obvious to all of us that you are right-- but what if he needs more counseling before he can answer those question with self awareness instead of from fear? I mean, what if he "burns bridges" he doesn't mean to because he's still screwed up inside? UGH. I wish you could go see Fireproof and try that 40 day challenge. It's a shorter commitment, like a baby step, that could buy you both more time.

Sorry to hear you are not feeling well. You sound very grounded. There is no reason to think he cannot write you an equally thoughtful letter in response. It is warranted in this case. And while you may need to insist on receiving it, IMO it is worth the effort. He needs to spend the time thinking about what his marriage means to him. A short verbal answer would not take him through the thought process. It is not so much your need to receive the letter as it is his need to go through the thought process it takes to write the letter.