Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy H moving out!! Crisis I need help

Hi Txmom, don't knowwhat IMHO is either. I thought I was making progress but had a horrible day as far as DBing. H called me today about a bill and he started to complain about money (since that is all he has been doing spending money like crazy), it escalated into other bills, and then H said I was nagging him etc, and I blew it by saying I resented that the Ow got to spend the day with her whole family for her daughter's wedding today and I am here alone because we moved 2000 miles from my family and now you left us. Then H started screaming that he was NEVER going to live with me again and I just better move on. He said our marriage was horrible and he was unhappy for 21 years.
I was destroyed. I know only listen to 1/2 what they say, but then he gave daughter a ride to party, he said I am not going to church tomorrow with you. I know H is out now, probably getting drunk and depressed.
I didn't know what to do so when D was out I went to go see Fireproof ... alone. What an impact it had on me. Can't remember if you went to see it -- if not go. People started clapping at the end. I thought it would be this preachy movie but it really struck a chord in me and I need to hang tight no matter how dismal today was. My first bomb came on 7/27 so it has been less than 3 months so I need to stay strong and have faith. I am glad that the night ended ok after seeing that movie. I cried and cried and cried.
I have to be believe tomorrow will be better.
We are newbies at this, and seeing how well ST did gives us faith. ST did your H move out on you?

IMHO = in my humble opinion

I need some clarity and wisdom from someone..

I'm struggling with so much anger and hurt ... My H is out of town this weekend with his family... He called late Friday but we didn't talk...said he call Saturday to talk to the girls and he didn't... But I'm quite sure he called and text the OW this weekend... how can he put her first before his kids....HOW??

I'm so angry... we have babies... we just had a newborn and I can't understand HOW and WHY he doesn't want to call to find out how his kids are???? How can someone abbandoned his babies?????

This is not the man I married....he has always been such a family man and wonderful father... I don't understand how overnight this can change. I want to ask him this if he even calls today - I know it is against DB rules but I don't care today... HOW can he separate his new life with his family and kids... even if he doesn't want me - is he in-human????

I'm grieving and can't understand how he can do this... Why is God doing this???? What is purpose, I'll be stronger for what... I feel I'm questioning my faith b/c I'm so hurt...

I'm going to church soon and hopefully I'll feel better but for now I don't ...

I know Sunday's are quite but if anyone has encouraging words - I need them...

Hope... I posted my thread before I read yours... I'm so sorry you had a bad day... this could be my worst weekend yet as well..

I don't know what inspiring words I have today ... maybe later I'll get back on and post.. I'm to defeated this morning.. questioning everything.

You are right - I just read this in DR yesterday... believe 1/2 of what we hear and see... I want to go see Fireproof and wish I could today .... maybe this week... glad it left you with hope wasn't sure that would be the message...

I'll be on and off today so update me on how you are

You will hear this a million times, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. To help you have the chance to hold your life together you need to stop giving him all the power in your relationship and focus on you and the kids. I have been there and am a work in progress. You CAN do this. Hugs.

kat

thank you.... just getting it off my chest helped .. I did talk to H last night ... i'll post later to update have to get D3 off to school

thanks saffie

hope,

my H kinda moved out. in the begginning before finding DB, I kicked him out saying if you can't cut contact then I think you need to leave. So he left that night I think even and stayed at a friends house. After talking with a good christian friend who said, well, if he stays YOU get to be his influence, if he goes, then the world is his influence. So I regretted my decision and told H, that if he wanted to stay home, he was welcome, that I didn't want to push him out of the kids' life earlier than needed, if he could respect my wishes to keep all contact outside of the house. He was back and forth quite a bit, mostly over at his friends for several months.

and another note to you (sorry TX for hijacking) because you've been M way longer than some of us, this is probably going to take a longer time for you. Most likely he's been happy for a long time (not the 21 years he said, that's bull) so, just expect and pray for patience and consistency. We all need it though, and the more patient and consistent we are, the better chance we have to win.

one, because is really is messed up. He let his hurt or needs go on for so long that it built up and then the OW steps in and makes it all go away. He's in another world when he's with her, and with you guys, it's back to reality, and what he's done to create this horrible mess. The more he's out of touch with you guys, the less he has to deal with his sin. This is why you must be a person and place of comfort because he must feel comfortable again to open himself up to you again. Unfortunately this is a very humbling thing for us LBSers to do, but humbling is so good for our soul.



No he is NOT the man you M right now. That's why you can't treat him like a normal person, I consider WAS sick. emotionally sick. If you want to have a setback, then by all means ask him this question. If you want to move forward, then please bite your tongue for now. Those questions can be asked later when he would be more willing to answer them. Or you can approach it in a totally diff way. " H, I know that this is probably a hard time for you, and I trying to understand as best as I can, but I really don't want this issue affecting the time that you spend with the kids. You have always been such a great father to them, and I hope that you are able to continue doing that." I know this is not answering your question, but there is no way he will be able to answer it anyways.



Of course God is not doing this. It is sin that entered the world that has created this. It is your H's choice to allow temptation to pull him in and sin, which will always destroy people in it's path. Now, God does ALLOW us to go thru things because he can use these things and work them for good.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose"

Please don't question your faith. So many of us go thru this, over half of american couples. My faith is what brought me thru this, and I could never imagine going thru it with out my Lord.

I am glad your going to church. Try to get into a group or something. surround yourself with positive people and supporting people. You can get thru this, and you've got lots of people that support you in this! (((Tx)))

Thanks everyone... boy I needed the support... I am in a much better place today than this weekend.

I really do try to focus on the fact that the OW is the symptom to the problem and for me I've been able to separate it and really try to look at the disconnect our marriage had.

As you mentioned it is hard when they leave the house b/c they are not here all the time to feel the sin.. interesting enough my H has had emotion and tears the last two weeks when he has been at the house watching the kids.. I'm not alway there BUT it makes him remember what he had....

I did backslide a little last night when I talked to him.. I was very calm ... he brought up this apartment he is looking at (furnished apt) and we discussed money a bit too.. he talks so certain sometimes but I just went along with it this time ... I did mention what is the rush, why rushing into this R with OW, why rush into divorce, why not just take some time, be on your own etc... he just listened..

He did get mad at some point and said why is everyone telling or acting like I'm so sick, or unhealthy ...and I said who is telling you this... I'm not... but he definitely is still in a place of finding justification for his actions, trying to confirm that leaving the marriage is the right thing to do ...

I agree having him around is better, but I also have been given the advice to play the tough love route too... like around the Holiday's... he brought it up that he will not be around my family for the holiday's - I didn't say anything.. part of me wants him to suffer and realize how it really is going to be if he divorces me - part of me wants him to spend it with us... too soon to tell and not sure what will work best....

I agree though, playing it cool, friendly, fun gives him no further justification that leaving the marriage is the right thing to do like anger or crying would do. I think he just thinks I should be over this like he is... your right though.. I think this has been boiling up for longer than I knew and he has just snapped...

Today I'm not even sure I'd want him back... actually I don't want the old man back I want a better healthier man back and not sure right now if he is willing to do the work to get there... He mentioned he had talked to a priest (I wonder though) and he said well you know they are pro-marriage .. I should have said - yeah of course they are.. like he doesn't want to talk to anyone that is for saving the marriage - he doesn't want to hear it. I mentioned that what harm is talking to a counselor to work through what he is feeling.. he said our MC counselor was telling him all the things he didn't want to hear... I said if he goes by himself she'll just help him sort out his feelings and allow us to better communicate... who knows...

I'm going to keep reading and working on my DB/DR skills and take it one day at a time...

thanks for continued support