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Originally Posted By: karen43
Originally Posted By: yenko69
Quote:
I'm again getting to that point that I WANT to move on. Life is too short and I'm not getting any younger.
I've got WAY to much to offer.
Day by day. He will lead me where I'm supposed to go.


I feel the same way about things right now. The only way to go is forward.
I'm there too. It always surprises me how much everyone here seems to go through the same stuff at the same time. H4H, I think you might want to back off and detach if not for your R, then for you. You know we're supposed to do what works so if being good friends to your W isn't working esp. for you, then maybe LRT would be a good idea? Of course, I say this when you know I am horrible at that myself!!! \:\)

I can't believe I just typed that. Can you come over to my thread sometime and give me the same advice???? Karen


Aren't we all great at giving advice and sucky at taking our own. I know I am.

Strangely, I feel fine, karen. If I detach any more from her, I'll have to look at pictures of us to remind myself of who she is \:\)

I wish.

What I'm really struggling with is totally letting her go and taking a different path. For myself. Testing the waters, so to speak. The same thing I've BEEN struggling with. Tonight just made the other side that much better looking.

She is just a broken person that I really don't think is worth the effort anymore. She deserves what she has and that is pretty much nothing.

I think I'll always leave the light on for her, but enough is enough.


Me 47, WW 38
SS18, D15, D10

Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08

"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."



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It sounds like the OM knew that your wife was going to be alone tonight and you were going to have the kids. He was probably trying to coordinate plans etc!! I personally would have called her on that possibility when the phone was going off. It would have put her on the spot with the kids. I know that some will say don't involve the kids...and I agree but that doesn't mean you have to protect you WW as well when its in their face. Anything to further blacken her relationship with OM is always a good thing. Who knows she may not be hooking up with him tonight but his persistant calling has to be nipped in the butt....call a spade a spade.

Look you have done a good job creating a positive enviroment with your wife along with showing her what she may be giving up with the family interactions you all have shared lately. But if her latest comments are to be taken seriously...then maybe a pullback is in order....a ying and yang effect to give her a taste of the negative side of the end of the family unit and its effect on the kids....deepen her guilty conscience.

Wayward wives tend to need to remain friends with thier betrayed husbands when children are involved....just to show their kids that she is not the one ending the family but you have both agreed to this and that you both will continue to have family time. Specifically that she is not the one doing this but both of you are etc.

The war is not over, just keep probing her defensive line and exposing her weaknesses...and most importantly the weaknesses of her allies (The OM). Maybe I did learn something in the military!!

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This is all so very sad. I feel so bad for your daughter. She is so miserable inside. I think it is time to stop supporting your wife during these talks with your children.

When she played the martyr (It's not your dad. It was me!") you need to say it like is: "She is right, D11. It IS your mother that has given up on our marriage right now. I have not. There are things we can do to repair things, but your mother is choosing to stop trying." Don't tell her to stop saying that. It is true, and you need to acknowledge it. THe kids need to know that you both did NOT agree to separation. They need to know that it is NOT right.

The kids always blame themselves. SHe needs counseling, h4h.

She said: "Remember what we talked about yesterday? That I decided, but that it has helped you and your dad get closer. That your dad is taking care of himself? Having fun again? Someday your going to find out that when you have a boyfriend or are married, that it takes both to make it work. You can't force someone to do something they don't want." THis made me throw up inside of my mouth. YOu need to call her out on this. Say, "I became closer to my daughter NOT because you left us. I am taking care of myself just like any human being does. I am having fun again because I don't want to be an unhappy person. Yes, it takes BOTH to make it work. Your mother doesn't want to make it work."

I know you are trying to do what's best in front of the kids. But, she is spewing crap to them. You need to be the voice of reason and logic and truth. You don't need to say she cheated on you, but you need to say what is REALLY going on.


Your S14, he needs counseling, too.


You said: The wife then asks, "What would you want me to do? Move back home? That would be the answer?"

This is ridiculous to pose to her daughter. I would have been so pissed, h4h. YOu need to step in and say, "I will answer that. Our daughter can't make that decision. The answer, wife, is for you to try to keep our marriage. You have not done that yet. You have given up. That is the answer."


You said: She then asks D11, "What can I do? What do you want me to do? Do I need to work less? Spend more time here with ya'll? I work a little extra when I know you dad is picking ya'll up. 15 minutes extra adds up. I'm also trying to work something different. Like a different position maybe. I know ya'll have a hard time adjusting. Your dad and I are doing our best to share you. It seems like it is hard for ya'll a week at a time. I know ya'll miss the puppies, too. But going back and forth, like you don't have time to settle in."
D11 says, "I just don't want to even come home."
"What. You mean you don't want to be HERE?"
"I don't want either. I just want to be outside."

All of this.......You needed to explain your postion here, h4h. Your daughter needs to know that there is a solution but your wife is not choosing it. YOur daughter is feeling lost like things are all messed up and the world is just messed up when, in reality, it isn't.....your wife is the one messed up. You also needed to pipe in, "Wife, you can see how this is affecting D. Maybe you will reconsider repairing our marriage now and TRYING finally. It is worth the effort, don't you think? I think our daughter is worth the effort."

It's time to stop the blood pouring out of your lip. You need to start saying stuff.

You said: I begin to say that we need to get going. Gather things. After a while, the wife starts to say things like,
"Come on. Your dad is wanting to leave already." Like a little huffy that I want to leave.

YOu say, "Let's get this clear. I don't want to leave. I don't want our family apart. YOU want this. You can't have a pretend family and live separately."

The talk you had at home with D11. I would avoid this. She feels in the middle already. This doesn't help that. She is too little to be worrying about giving advice to adults. She has her own kid worries to deal with.

You love your wife. You are so hurt by what she is doing. Start telling her. You are still married. Don't "move on".

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I'm surprised you didn't lose this long post like you usually do, dub \:\) I bet you would have been pissed.

I try so hard to not let the kids see us start to go at it. She would start getting into it. I don't want the kids to be witness to venom. I talk to D11 quite a bit. I am very honest with her. She KNOWs that I was and still am against what her mom has done. She knows that I am not ok with it. She has been extraordinarily strong about this. With out me asking her, she has been the one to tell me that I need to stop worrying about the wife.

Remember, she told me this when I was going to buy the wife a coffee maker? I needed to let the wife worry about getting her own stuff.

D11 even tells me that she thinks her mom is crazy and she can't believe what she says.

The wife has taken the blame for us on several occasions. The kids know it. I wasn't trying to take some of the blame, but I do want her to stop saying it. I don't want her to keep killing the relationship of her children. The kids know my position. They know that I hold on to her.

I wasn't asking for her advice at the house. I asked for what she thought. Her opinion. She gave it pretty quickly. First time that I have asked her that serious of a question. I asked it in a very light way, but your right. I shouldn't be asking her things like that, but our relationship has grown so much. I told her that everything that I do has a purpose when it comes to my dealing with her mother. I do everything with the family in mind. I told her that I wish her mother did the same, but we can't control that. At the same time, I don't want to play the victim. My asking her opinion was geared more to bring us closer.

I will start to look in to counseling for us with out the wife. All of us if possible. Family counseling.

Dub, I loved the woman that she was. The person she is now, I don't want her anymore. I really don't see me puting anymore effort into it anymore.

We do not have a marriage. I have taken down her pictures and the contract. I think I've reached my limit. It is the best thing for me and my children.

Not being the type to never say never, I'm gonna leave the light on.

Still.

Little sad, but still feel good, you know?


Me 47, WW 38
SS18, D15, D10

Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08

"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."



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Ok, you have gotten to your limit. Then, PLEASE just go totally dark on her. All business. This will be hard for you, but if you are still leaving the light on, that means you still want a chance. By going dark, and making her feeeeel her choice now, there may be a chance. Also, and I feel like I say this on deaf ears, don't move toward a relationship with another woman right now.

If your W asks why you are acting "funny" you can say that you are angry about what this is doing to the kids and you are doing the best you can with what she has chosen to do. You are NOT going to pretend that things are fine and dandy when they are NOT. Tell her, "You don't want to be my wife, you are with another man while we are still married, so I can't act like I am your husband."

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H4H,

Your daughter is breaking MY heart, and I don't even know her.

This is why I advocate telling kids the TRUTH, in an age-appropriate manner. She is getting painfully confused, and it's not healthy.

Stop protecting your wife, and her infidelity.

I agree with WDID.

(big shock there, huh?) \:\/

Puppy

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I agree with Puppy and WDID. It makes me sick that she is talking like that. Do they not have a clue they are hurting their children or do they just not care???

I agree if you get in that sitch you need to be assertive and bring out the truth as they were suggesting. Yes, your kids need the truth. It upsets me how your W says some day you'll understand like it's lack of maturity on your kids' part. Truthfully, I don't understand it and I'm now 44 you know! Plus, your kids are very smart obviously. Grrrrr.

I think the best thing you need to do now is LRT & as much honest communication with your kids as possible. If you had been LRT'ing or GALing then that wouldn't have happened. I think your W is messed up. And when you do occasionally see her, yes, stop letting her get away with that kind of spew! I know you worry about your kids, but honest communication should not be a problem. If you W has a fit over that, you should ask her to stop and if she doesn't then just leave.

I don't know about counseling, but I do wonder if family counseling, the C seeing your whole family might help. Maybe an impartial C could help your wife realize some of what's going on or something. The kids and I are going to do that next week do a family therapy session, bring up issues and stuff and I think it'll be good. Karen


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Thanks for the support peeps.

I'm at the point that I don't care. I will be calling her on whatever BS she wants to spin when I'm around.

I'm dropping my rope and gonna try to be as dark as I can be, considering how often we see each other. Going back to the rushing to the apartment to get my kiddo's before she gets there and so on.

Very odd day so far.

I start getting texts from K. She asks me what I'm doing tonight. I reply that I don't know and why. She responds that she is going to meet her ex for drinks and that she is in a sh*tty mood and might end up being mean to him. I told her to just call me if she needs to talk. She is currently in Austin studying for a securities license for her promotion. She's coming back around 4 and meeting her ex at 7.

?????

Then half an hour later, the wife calls me on my work phone. In the high, nice voice.

"Hi. Its Clarissa. I have a client that I'd like for you to talk to."

She explains to me that she has an older client in her office that has a lot of money in the market with Edward Jones and wants advice on getting out and puting it in something fixed. She is just wanting options. The wife has complete confidence in my dealings with clients. She gave her the option of talking to someone at her Credit Union and maybe a second opinion, which would be me.

She respects me in my occupation, just not as her husband, I guess.

Has made for an interesting day.


Me 47, WW 38
SS18, D15, D10

Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08

"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."



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Watch out with K...you are in an angry state with w...not good to be mixing up emotions by adding in another woman's feelings that can conjure up feelings from you as well.

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Back from picking up D6 and taking her to the apartment. It was early release day. D11 was there already because she went ahead and rode the bus.

Good news and bad news.


The good news.

D11 got her report card and she got ALL A'S!!!!

WOW!!! She has never done that and then to do it this year. After all the crap we have and are going through. Her math was one of the highest of her scores! I was so proud of her, I teared up. I hugged her so hard. She was so excited to show me.

The bad news.

I used the wife's bathroom. On the sink counter sat a mens toilettries travel bag. Toothbrush, toothpaste, shaver, groomer, deodorant...

Bad news for her because I am out.

I started to send her a text,

"Next time, make sure sancho takes his travel bag when he leaves in the morning. Disrespecting yourself and your kids still?"

I decided not to send it. I have it saved though.

I told ya'll. Interesting day.


Me 47, WW 38
SS18, D15, D10

Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08

"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."



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