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Well.....An Update from Confusion Land....

On 9/29 @ 9:19pm (last night) H called me from shop just to chit-chat. We talked for over an hour about this and that from whats on ebay to escalades to moldy rotten house trim. We never talked about what happened on Sunday. H was in a very good mood. It put me in such a good mood that I couldn't sleep after the conversation.

AND THEN COMES TODAY.....H showed up here at 12:15pm. H had 4 property tax bills for me to pay. H kept 2 to pay.

H ALSO HAD THE DIVORCE PAPERS!!!!!!

We came inside to talk. Sat at the kitchen counter. H handed me the tax papers and then proceeded to talk about the house and jobs and other stuff. I knew what H had with him, I started to shake like a leaf. I couldn't stop. H finally pulled out the D papers and stared at them for what seemed eternity. H then handed them to me and said I brought the papers and if I hand them to you in person I am suppoesed to have you sign this sheet too. I didn't touch the papers. I asked H if this is what he really wanted. H said he doesn't know. H said that literally he changes his mind every 30 seconds. I said that I still didn't feel that a D was the answer for us. I explained how good our relationship was for us considering where we had been in the past 3 years. H said what relationship? We don't have one anymore. I said that's where you are wrong. I said we have developed a good friendship and we have a sexual relationship as well. H couldn't deny it.

I explained to H the stages in a relationship, as I see them:

Acquaintances
Friendship
Romance
Lovers
Marriage (at least that is how ours happened over a 5 year period)

I explained that our relationship (yes,we are married) is in the Friendship stage w/ Lovers mixed in here and there at least in the separation we have now. Am I making any sense? I just realized I might not be.

H said that he can't figure out an answer to this problem. He is a logical thinker and always has the answers based on logic. This is emotional and H can't figure the answer now and hasn't been able to in 3 years. H said I know you want the marriage, you are so lucky to be able to be someone who knows what they want. I wish I did. I do know that I can't live like this much longer.

I told H I wasn't going to sign the papers. I said of course if I thought that you really meant for me to do so, I will not fight it. I told him I could see that it wasn't what he really wanted.

H stood up and said that he had to go had already looked at 6 jobs and needed to look at 4 more.

H took one look at me and said I am so attracted to you....I would really like to take you upstairs right now and F*** you, that's what I really want to do. I said let's go (I looked all excited when I said it, trying to be playful with H). H said no I really got to get these jobs looked at, today is the only day I have.

I asked H why he came over on Sunday....H said it's because he thought he wanted to do something with S12. Changed his mind on arrival so he left.

I asked H why he called me last night......H said cause I really wanted to just talk to you. Is that OK with you, I said yes I enjoyed it very much, H said OK then, I enjoyed it too.

OK, you all.......I think H came with the papers today cause OW is nailing his A$$ to the wall. H can now say I gave her the papers. I didn't sign them. H left them here. H only saw friendship, love and patience from me today.

All of the goings on with us is in this thread and spelled out above since end of July.

What will follow.......................???????????????

Thank you all from my heart,

Sanderika

Hi Sanderika!

Barb wanted me to let you know that she was banned but she is here with you.

I need to catch up your thread but you are being heard. So to speak.

Sanderika
Your H is so confused, he dosnt know what he wants!

He "thinks" the D papers will be a magic pill, they wont, not from what I can gather w/ him! To some WA, yes a D is really what they want, and you can tell, mine was one.
Your H on the other hand, well I think he is lost, searching.

If I were you, I too would let the D papers be., Heck my ex filed and sat on them for 2 yrs!
Your H is under pressure from OW, she is most obviously pushing him. Let her! let her show her true colors. Give it time, Just stay still

I have read a lot of threads in 6 yrs! yours does sound promosing, and I do not like to give false hope, its not fair to the poster but I really do believe this.

You seem like such a sweet person, I know Barb is so upset she cant post to you and i know I may not give the same sage advice she does, but I hope you know like Trip said, you are being thought of!

'night!

Hello, Barb, Trip and Karen....

I wondered wher Barb had gone off too...I thought maybe she was travelling. What happened?

Please let her know that I am greatful she is reaching out to me through you both.

My story is written out in the following threads by me since 7/6/08. I didn't discover this website until the end of June.

Newcomers....Check in here
HELP - H in MLC 3 Years and Counting!!!
3 Yrs with H in MLC - Feeling Powerless Now
JUST USED LRT - WHAT DO I DO NOW???

I have been through H*LL in the last 37.5 months. I am tired, scared and unhappy. My sister says I wear my unhappiness on my face. She says I look tired, face looks droopy in sadness. She means well, I feel what she is describing. She wants this to end for me one way or another and now. My girlfriends are all very supportive but want this to end as well.

The fact is my H and I have been through so much in our lives together and we have always been able to rise above adversity and turmoil and come out still standing with plenty of energy to keep moving forward together. I am crying.....

It is fact my H has OW that is causing the confusion. OW is not going to let him go. H is torn emotionally between us both. While I do not understand what he sees in her, I can understand that he must love her because she is able to hang on to him and keep him from coming home to us. When H left me, I agree with you all that H had emotionally checked out from us. OW was there and available as a replacement. H has not been alone.

What is so troubling is that H gives OW way more attention than he gives us. I want to let her push him into something he doesn't really want. BUT, he is allowing her. I, ON THE OTHER HAND, can always get H to change his mind. One look at me will make H do that....BUT, for how long. If this is true, H will stop coming by once he figures this out.

I am rambling.....so sorry.

H said I want you to remember what I said before...I can always dismiss the divorce whenever I want. He said I am going to keep that in my mind.

At one point H looked at me and said...you know I haven't changed. I said I know and I have never asked you to. I said I won't ask you to. H said I need to change....I said you will change when you are ready and want to. I changed because I had to 3 years ago...Once I decided to change I wanted to so I did. Because I like my changes and who I am I am able to stay and keep them. I told H that I changed for the better and got "me" back. In getting me back I was able to see the things in my life that were the most important to me and I told him he was on the top of the list. I said that it brought me back to my roots and beginning...and love for you and my marriage and life is what is in my heart. I love you with all my heart.

H was worried if he goes through with the filing and then changes his mind would I be here for him. I told him that I currently had no plans to meet another and that I did not know what the future would bring if he files. He asked me what would happen if he wanted to come home and I was with someone else and didn't want him back, I said it would depend on if I was in love with someone else. If I was he would be the one fighting to get me back. H shook his head in agreement.

It is clear that the OW is pushing. It is clear that H is confused. It is clear that I am a safe haven for H, he knows and feels it. It is clear that H still has feeling for me.

It is unclear what kind of hold OW has on H. It is unclear which way this will turn. It is unclear how H really feels about the OW. It is unclear where H is in this MLC thing.

I was awake at 1:15 this am. I could not sleep well. I kept waking up in anxiety with heart racing and adrenalin rushing into my head.

I want to tell H this......

D**** I married you because I love you and want you as my life partner. I did not marry you to end up in a divorce. We dated for 5 years and we were sure that marriage is what we wanted. We married for better or worse, I have always stood by you and I am still standing here today. I am here for you and we can overcome this by having learned that we cannot ever take each other for granted again. With this in mind we can only grow close again by touching and sharing and communicating with more maturity and understanding for each other.

Like a few minutes ago....I am rambling....I am sorry.

My head is spinning with thoughts...I am very emotional. A girlfriend just checked in on me and I broke down in tears. She said to stop letting H tug me around. Stop H from controlling you. I DON'T SEE IT THIS WAY. I SEE MYSELF AS STANDING BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT I WANT. She said H knows I will do whatever he asks and that he knows if it doesn't work out with OW that he can come back to me...she said let him go down the road with the OW...it's not greener grass it's the same problems just in a different yard. I AM GOING TO LET H CALL AND ASK ME TO SIGN THE PAPERS. WHAT WILL I DO WHEN HE DOES?????

I will go for now, my head aches....

Thank you all.....Sanderika

I have just been reading a thread started by Smurf_SMR on 7/30/08.

He posts under MLC Resources - all in one thread.

I am torn.......

After reading The Six Stages of a MCL, by HB. AND
Debate: MLC verses WAS......

I have decided that my H is a WAS.

My H is getting to the point that he will not return....

Help me please....I am even more scared now.

WAS do not return when they get to my H's point in time.

Sanderika

Sanderika - what is the worst thing that can happen?

OK - so right now you think that the worst thing that can happen is that your H doesn't return?

So he doesn't return? What then?

You say yourself you've been going through this for over 30 months. You are still here. Right? You have survived your H not returning for over 30 months. Right?

Sanderika, whether your H returns or not, he can't and won't make you happy. Only you can do that. You can live in a marriage and still be miserable. You can live independently and have a wonderful and amazing life. It's all up to you.

Instead of living in fear of what might happen - why don't you live for today. Today you H is off in la-la land and you are a beautiful, independent woman with the world at her feet. Today you can live for you. tomorrow, your H might come back - or he might not - but deal with that when it happens. There is nothing you can do about it.

The only thing you can control is your circumstances and how you react to them. You can make your life wonderful if you chose to. If one day your H choses to join you in your amazing life, and you are prepared to let him join you - deal with that then.

Take care, Virginia

Thank you Walkingback, I appreciate your thoughts and support.
I understand what you are telling me.



My H wanted me to sign the divorce petition last night. I did.
Signed @ 10:45pm, it hurt like nothing I have ever experienced.


I am so heartbroken.....I am beside myself......


I will contact my L on Monday.......




H said he is going to hold the papers for 2-3 weeks before he files with county court. I will not wait to retain my L.


My H said when it comes right down to it....he didn't want to leave me and he doesn't want to divorce me but OW is putting on more pressure than he can stand and has for 3 years and H said he had to do something. H said he has feelings for me for old reasons and has feelings for her for new reasons. H said he will know in 2-3 weeks if he has made a mistake and chosen the wrong one. I have no plans to contact H ever again. I see it that H has made his choice and that what he has now done is a final act. There are some things that time cannot erase the pain from, this is one of those.



30 years, a beautiful 12 year old boy, a thriving company, assets galore and no debt.....for (1) White Trash, Macho, Controlling, Insecure, Selfish, Klingon, (I could go on) Biker Bitch whos already cleaned out 2 husbands and has sights set on #3.


Life Sucks........


Sanderika

Sanderika - I am so sorry this has happened to you.



That's one cowardly man you got there ... He's not even prepared to take responsibility for his own divorce papers ....

Get on to your lawyer as soon as possible.



I wonder what magical event will happen in 2 or 3 weeks that will give him such amazing insight? He might not know what a mistake he's made for 2 or 3 years ... The man's not in his right mind.



For right now, it is very important that you don't contact him. I wouldn't vow to never contact him again - but it will do him good to understand that you are prepared to cut him well and truely loose - and let him see how that feels.

Do something special for yourself today. Buy yourself a treat, or have a bubblebath or drink a bottle of champagne ... anything, just look after yourself.

Take care

Hello Virginia,

I agree that H is a coward. All our friends feel that OW has him so controlled he is either brainwashed or scared to death of her. Who knows. I know he made the wrong choice and I am feeling more and more like I want him to realize that after he experiences all the misery and consequences this D will bring him.

I told him not to wait 2-3 weeks. He said he will and when I asked what 2-3 weeks will do that 38 months has not he didn't answer the question.

He called me yesterday and asked me if a forktruck boom was in or near one of our barns. I told him I was not home and I would check when I returned. He was nice when he asked and then when I called back in the evening he was mean (he was at OW house) I got "the treatment" I have learned so well over the past 38 months. Needless to say it angered me and depressed me.

I called a L today and we have a plan and a schedule. I am going to file my answer on 10/20. I am going to call the county every other day or so and see if H filed, they will tell us that here. If he files his documents at court before the 20th, I will do the same. She faxed me some papers to be filling out so on the 20th we will be ready.

Today, I went to my sisters for lunch and played with her new granddaughter and stopped for a haircut on the way home. My sone was already home for school and he greeted me out on the walk and gave me a great big hello hug. My kid is awesome, I am greatful for him every day.

Tomorrow........?

Thank you so very much for talking to me, I appreciate the advice and support.

Sanderika

Hi,

I am in a bad mood today.

I am having a hard time with these papers. I can't answer easily. H has reduced both of our incomes to the point that it cuts the actual income in half. I am angry because it doesn't reflect what are earnings are truthfully.

For last year we earned twice as much as he says we earn now and then when this is over H will resume the entire income again. H will make out like a bandit. I will get stuck with half of what I deserve for child support.

I am waiting for a call back from my L. I hope she has a trick up her sleeve to make a judge see through all H's BS.

I knew I would get mad.....

Sanderika