Sandi & Tgone, thanks for your support. As for what I expected, I don't really know. I know I shouldn't have contacrted her, but my emotions took control. I went off on her mother about her last night. Just venting. didn't say anything bad, just tired of hearing how hurt she is, how depressewd she is and whatever. My D finally talked to her mother and for the first time her mother finally opened up to her. Apparently yesterday was bad for her. she broke down a couple of times. She has told her closest friend that she needs to get rid of distractions so she can think clearly. Everyone supporta the don't do it for her mentallity. Again, this thing with the brakes is curious and extremely odd. No one can understand it. same as her showing up Saturday night. there is a feeling that her OM and the feelings there are subsiding. I seriously believe my being dark, my mini bomb last week, her mother getting in her face with some reality, her finances and all are contributing to her possibly looking inward.
Sandi, your words are very strong to me and trust me i listen to everyone on this board and the friends of mine that went throguh it. I am not watching the door for her when I am dark, but when I am around her, it takes a day or two to reclaim myself. I would have een better if I hadn't seen her this weekend, trust me. Sandi, as I told you I am strong with going dark and the not believing anything she says mentallity. I have started reading the book. I hope to fininsh it tonight so I can start reading it again. If she is truly starting to look inward, I believe it is due to some of the DBng I have been doing. I am 85% in the doing it.
I don't want to be a doormat, I am getting mad and angry about the fact that now she is talking to people like she is the victim. told her mother that I know she is blaming me for everything, and I am ok with that. I told her that she is confused and really doesn't know who she is anymore, and I understand that. but I also told her that at some point I believe she wil be back, but she is creating a situation with me and our kids that is getting worse. I think she is starting to turn, but I need now, more than before to stick to my guns, become invisible. This brake job is something to her, I don;t know what, but it is. It means something to her! Everyone keeps asking me why she needs me to do them, I don't know. Her brother or the OM wuld have done it by now, why wait for me. I blew her off hoping she'd go that route, but nope, when you can please....
Her girlfriend had told me back in August, that she didn't see my W coming back at that point, but give her time and she will, she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. She also told me that the holidays are coming, and my W had confided in her all the great times and memories of holidays she had with me. Her girlfriend told me that is in my favor. she believes if I gave her tme, which I have, that she may be back for the holidays because its too emotional and she will need someone there.
My problem about GAl is this, I am everything to everyone, except me. I am busty with house projects, dealing with my end of season campsite, bills and getting things under control. these do keep me busy, but, everything is work work work....
I don't have any real downtime...I have been to the gym once in 2 weeks. I can't focus on myself because I have to deal with everything else. Part of memissing her is the help we gave each other so we could get through these things and each of us wuld gain some down time. I am bitter about that. I don't have much longer before these projects are complete. My deadline I have given myself is the end of October, hopefully I survive.
I gained a lot of strength this morning reading both of your posts, talking with my D about her talk with her mother and my talk with my MIL. Everything sounds psitive, everything may inally be in motion. Again, not saying her actions will bringher to me, but actions are in place. I believe y actions had a lot to do with it. I put some erious reality in her face about health ins, and the whole "married?" text I sent n reposnce to her voicemail. I believe my actions have caused this. In reading the book and I haven't got that far supports the fact that my actions are causing reactions. I have to say I am excited. I believe she didn't hang out after the wedding because of my mini bomb form last Thursday, I believe it. I believe the DR advice is working and I am only 1/3 thru the book. Sandi I do not know what dropping the rope means from the book yet, based on my readings here, I think I do. Me telling her to get her own health ins, seperating the car ins and seperating myself from her (detaching) are all having positive effects on her. I will keep you posted on my actions and any subsequent reactions. I have alot to do over the next week or two as far as my projects, goals and deadlines...If she is truly turning inward, and I hope it is true, then I know her, she will not be long in knowing where she needs to go and be. My hard line is having an effect and I think it makes her nervous. Keep in touch, God bless everyone that has replied to me and my posts, I know now that things are working, not just for her but for me. My attitude is stronger, my breakdowns are far less. Still want to grab her and hold her and kiss her in hopes of breaking the evil spell. I believe the only way she will come back to me is if I am more than she ever saw before, and i think I am on my way.
LD - Stop trying to get into her head about the "brake job" business. There is a tendency for the LBS to try and desperately assign meaning and context to what we are seeing and why, in hopes that it is positive.Some behaviors are impossible to decipher. Stop discussing the M/R with her mother. Her mother needs to think you are moving on also. I don't care what anyone says..blood is thicker than water.
Leave it alone. The last thing you want to do is to perpetuate drama.
Your W has some problems and internal struggles that she needs to address.
Me- 47 W- 45 Married 22 years Together 30 years No Kids, 1 dog, 1 Cat 2005 - 2007 W in MLT 1/08 - Crisis hits 3/08 W drops Bomb and leaves in the middle of the night. Admits to PA 4/08 W files for divorce 8/08 Divorce final
agreed. Pushed out the brake job till thursday. I have some help coming over tonight to get my yard jobs done. Its gonna look great out there. I am taking things easier with my D being happy with her mother's conversation. Big sigh. vented pretty heavy on the MIL, but she is my best friend, has been for qute a while. She is awesome, but I know what you are saying. Looking forward to my projects getting completed over the next two weeks. Its gonna feel good this Sunday to kick my feet up and relax and watch the Pats beat San Diego. I am so looking forward to a down day...
AmyC told m that when she would give me a sign, it would be obvious.
HUH?
I don't recall saying that but perhaps I'm taking your statement out of context...
I DO recall saying this however:
Quote:
It's not possible for a MLCer to leave signs that they're "coming back" because if they've left due to MLC, they most likely can't imagine WANTING to come back......
.......If you are looking for a reason to believe, this world will never give you one. Pick up a Bible and talk to God about your family, be open to what He will show you, listen to what He says - ... and allow him to change you first.
I want to post more about some other things you've written but I will have to do that later because I'm work right now and have a ton of errands to run after work. I'm reading you though, LD.
I know this is probably the worst time of your whole life but you really have to stay cool and stop analyzing everything.
HI LD--I'm sorry you are struggling so. Make fast tracks to Borders and get Divorce Remedy or check it out from your library until it arrives. As a fellow "analyzer" I will say that we drive ourselves nuts by asking "why?" continuously. By reading DR you will begin to see that understanding WHY things happened will not change the situation and in some cases make things worse.
On another note (based on painful personal lessons I've experienced) it isn't wise to be discussing your wife and her depression, etc.. with relatives and friends. I know it is hard not to, but that just entrenches us in the patterns of behavior that got us where we are. I'm not saying that your wife isn't struggling, but focusing on her behavior will not help you act differently and the differences in your actions will be key to moving on with your life. Hard, I know.....
I know these are not easy things to do, but you will crash and burn if you keep obsessing about why. Your wife probably can't tell you why either right now.
Hang in there and stay strong. Start reading DB!!!!
Hi LD--One of the very hard things to do while DBing is to not set expectations for a response. It is VERY hard to do. Don't fix her brakes to get a response from her. You are setting your self up for tremendous pain. Keeping expectations minimal and doing things for the right reason keeps us sane (very hard to do, but really not harder than thinking we'll get an incredible response). Part of detaching....
It looks like this all started in early August and that isn't very long ago though I'm sure it seems like an eternity...This is a marathon, not a sprint so we all need to conserve energy to continue to stand for our relationships. Breathe deeply and try to let go for a little bit.
AmyC, yes it was just the way i rtook things when asking about signs from her. Look forward to hearing from you on this. karlah thanks for jumping in, have the book and I am reading it. Not looking for a response on her brakes. Just told her I'd do thm and that's that. I don't expect any high fives or kisses. Just a tanks and that's that. I am not obsessing , really, about what happened, I know all too painfully how wegot here. the book is good, I am writing down my goals, signposts and baby steps that I need to strategize on. Interesting things have happened with her over the past 4-5 days that seem to be mentioned in the book.
I know talking to my kids and my MIL about this is bad. I try to stop, but when I see her, boom, there it is...
I want to delve more into the book before I try analyzing anything else. Yes I know it has been only two months but it might as well have been 2000. I have a friend, her and her husband went thru it and they are mentoring me about the things that worked. Focus, focus, focus..She told me that I have to learn to be happy, not just an act, but truly be happy. Once I am the confidence will be there. I have achieved a huge amount of success. When I don't see her or hear about her in detail from the MIL, I am fine, seriously, fine. But it all changes when i see her. There are positive signs so I am marching a lot easier down my path. I must say the book is awesome, wespecially if it works out. It is in lne with th mentoring I am receiving. People on this site or great suppor as well. i am the one now mentoring the family about the situation, she is not the same person you knew 10 weeks ago, she is someone else right now. she needs to find out who she wants to be, where she wants to be and with who she wants to be with. None of you can help her, guide her or even suggest to her what she needs to do. It is all about her. I have told them to stop calling her everyday because they normally don't. I said call her a couple times a week, but put the oweness of her contact on her as well. This is what I do. I seriously believe it is working and I have only really begun. I am trying to release her to her own means. I watch because I care, I don't intercede because she needs to see things as they are. i believe she is headed for a meltdown, and I have been advised to let her. I am struggling with the whole single parent, running the house, maintaining my life kind of thing. But I am 180'ng my way thru this with a good attitude. I worry less about what I canot control, not just her, but everything. I have a lot of irons in the fire and things are moving , generally, pretty well I must say. I had said in an earlier post, I believe my strength comes from my pain. Like a boxer being hit over and over again, but looking to last to the final bell. When I think I can't do it anymore, something generally happens to boost me up. Last weekend it was my daughter being so proud and happy having me home to meet her friends and their parents before going to homecoming. She is genuinely happy with her dad, loves who I have become, they all are, so my changes are at least real.
i am the one now mentoring the family about the situation, she is not the same person you knew 10 weeks ago, she is someone else right now. she needs to find out who she wants to be, where she wants to be and with who she wants to be with. None of you can help her, guide her or even suggest to her what she needs to do. It is all about her.
I can't express enough just much that is likely to piss her off.
You can NOT talk to a MLCers family and friends like that and not have it get back to her. When she hears it, what she's going to receive is you saying that she's crazy and brother let me tell you, you are setting yourself up to get your face ripped off.
You can NOT crusade against MLC.
You have to sit back, shut up and know what you know and act accordingly. It is one thing to ask the family to try to understand and tolerate FOR NOW but you can't run this lingo all over town and expect that no one is going to tell her.
Tighten up or you're going to make this worse than it already is.
No problem. It was my older daughter and her husband. they don't really talk to my wife. My MIL, I have cautioned her about constantly barraging my W with what she need sto do and come home. She has a couple and cals her daughter and every other time its this all over again.
The only time I really talk to them about this is wen they call me upset about my W. I just pass advice to them to help them, that was the intent. I understadn what you are saying and i will keep a tight lip on it from now on. I know I am starting to make mistakes, its just frustrating and juggling so many things and so many emotions makes it hard to hold my tongue. thanks for replying. If I wanted pats on the back i would talk to my kids about this. If I need a kick in the pants to keep me on track, well, thats why I am here. I don't throw the MLC term out there, just her being in general. This has helped them get through by understanding her confusion, if thats what it is. thanks for looking out for me, again, I need direction when mistakes get made, I can't afford to not give this my best effort of my life to get my life back.
