What I am trying to decide at this point is, how much has really changed since I started on here. On the surface, it would appear, a lot has changed...
1)H is living in our home, no talk of D, sleeping in our bed
2)H has ceased all contact w/OW and says she has not contacted him in at least 6 weeks
3)H is going to Retro classes with me and dialoguing some of the time to try and strengthen our marriage
4)H is open to going out on dates with me, spending time with me
BUT here is what is the same...
1)H says he is still "trying", "working on it", etc. Which to me is different than saying "I am 100% committed to our marriage.
2)H says my views I have shared with him that love and marriage are forever, that you can love and support and commit yourself entirely to the other person as a CHOICE, and CHOOSE to forgive/let go/move on from a negative past relationship experience, is "unrealistic", and that I have a "rose-colored glasses view" of things
3)H is willing to go on dates, spend time with me, be close, but he has NEVER initiated this since we got back together. In other words, if I ask him out and get a sitter, we spend time together. If I don't, we don't. If I approach him with kisses, hugs, etc, we have them. If I don't, we don't. He doesn't reject my advances, but he doesn't make any advances except an occasional attempt to ML which is usually b/c i have rolled up to him and kissed him or rubbed his back first....
SOOOOOOOOO, with objective eyes, is this working? What should be different? I am tempted to just back off entirely and initiate no physical exchanges or dates, time together, etc., and just see what H does. But then I wonder if he will take that to mean I am not interested anymore...hmm...
This morning I sent him a Text saying to let me know if he has time or interest in dialoguing this week, that i know he is busy up in canada so I will leave it up to him...I did that b/c if I asked every night he might do it on occasion, if I didn't mention it all week and then complained that it didn't happen, he would say I should have spoken up if I wanted to dialogue. This way I am putting it on him to make the choice and I am backing off.
Piecers, and my friends who have been here for 10 months with me, what do you see when you look at my current situation?? Curious......
but number 3 really hits home with me. i don't know how long that can go on b4 you just shut down. imho, i dont think pulling back is going to hurt. if you stop initiating, i don't think he is going to believe you aren't interested. he's going to wonder whats wrong. will he change his actions.? my guess is not until he is happy with himself. good luck
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
Thanks. I guess the struggle is that I have read in DR I think (it may have been a different book but I think thats the one), about a wife where she started DBing and was still living with H and it was a year before her H initiated a touch.....
Call me demanding, I can't live that way.
Not sure if I am impatient. I feel that way sometimes, I think, my kids have their mom and dad together again, why am I rocking the boat? But something doesn't FEEL right. I hear the tone in H's voice when he is on the phone with friends or his sister. I hear how he sounds talking to the kids. I don't hear that "something" when he is talking to me......
I think the answer depends on you. Can you wait? Is it worth waiting for? When/if it happens will you be able to forgive him for everything that's happened or will you hold it against him? Can you trust him?
You need to answer those questions. If you can answer yes to all of those then hang sis and fight like hell. Be firm with him and tell him what you need, but don't give up. If you can't answer yes then you need to rethink why you are in this game.
Basically I'm asking are you willing to do what it takes to win? Basically, don't bring a knife to a gun fight.
But you have to be willing to make the hard choices either way. Neither is easy.
I'm going to continue to rehash the point of "you need to make him go to IC". Sitting here on the outside looking in that's what I see as a necessary step. He has to learn to be okay with himself.
I agree he needs IC. He did find it helpful or I don't think he would have gone 4 weeks in a row. But now "life" and travel have gotten in the way. When he is in Canada or Idaho 3 or 4 days a week he doesn't think he has time to go to IC on the other day(s) he is in town. But, not my problem to solve, is it?
He says NO WAY to any anti-depressant meds.
I think I am just at a point where, if there were no kids, I would kick his butt out of the house and say call me when you are SERIOUS about working on our marriage and re-committing to me. (I know he goes to Retro but not sure how much he is investing himself in it...)
But as Kalni has mentioned, with kids involved nobody wants to be viewed as the bad guy (bad mom!) who split up the family and denied the kids a chance to grow up with the family intact.
WHAT IS MY GOAL? My goal is to wake up in the mornings and know that I live with a husband who loves me for the person I am, not the person he wishes I was. To be touched, held, kissed, talked to without having to be the initiator. To spend time with my husband and kids together as a family, without anything hanging over our heads. I want to be free to love my H with my whole heart and not fear that he is mentally packing his bags.... To know that realistically we will have arguments from time to time but that they don't mean we are "over", they mean we are "human".
The thing is, I don't know that me fighting like hell on my own will get me to my goal........
It may not get you to your goal. You may not win. But you have to decide if you are willing to try.
Your husband isn't really trying. At least from my perspective. I think he is just worried about what people will say if you get a divorce. I get the perception that his life is fairly well defined by his perception of what people think about him (e.g., truck, cute cheerleader wife, wanting his son to be "manly", etc.). I would bet he won't go on anti-depressents because someone might think poorly of him. And that if you got a divorce because he had an affair it would make him look bad.
If I am carrying a huge package (metaphorically), and H is holding onto his end to keep it from falling down and making a mess, but he is not really bearing any weight,
What happens if I let go of my end?
I figure either H will have to step up and do the heavy lifting, or the package will fall. But that will probably be MY fault for dropping it......
I think Woog is right on...I think Woog has it nailed.
BBJ, did you notice some cahnges in him when he did IC for those 4 weeks?? Did he seem a little happier?? A little more at ease?? The reason I ask is I wondered if having someone to talk to about things, someone on the outside, helped his attitude at all?
The package will fall. He may choose to pick it up and he may not. Either way he will blame you. And that may be what he wants. It's the easy way out for him.
Fighting like hell means telling him exactly what you want to be happy. Telling him that he needs to go to IC. This is where you take charge. You aren't the cheerleader anymore. You are the quaterback. You have the ball. You need to drive down the field and score. In order to do that you need to call the plays. You are in charge BBJ. He isn't capable of being in charge.
