Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy I was unfaithful

re: "our domain". Well I guess that was a problem. I viewed the house as a joint effort. We had a big house and 4 energetic kids and I did my part. I scrubbed commodes and washed floors and washed dishes and changed diapers and ran the vacuum. I did laundry and washed windows. There was no housework task I did not do. She was the designer, the decorator, the director, and the chef (I did not cook). She said "let's re-arrange the furniture" and I did the lifting. I was the labor.

I always thought that was a good thing. So when I washed the floors I did not use a mop. You compared it to replacing the sparkplugs. I get your point, but I did not replace the mop. I did not insist on anything about the mop. I just didn't use it. It's not real. It's not a real issue.


Sounds like my wife's words, nearly verbatim. She was convinced I didn't love her, didn't care, knew about the affair and didn't even care to mention it. etc etc. She hated me. She turned off. She switched. BUT - here is a key difference. She never said she wanted more from our marriage. It was ME who said that in our marriage. I did. She put me off.

About the visitation - I proposed something like what you have described a long time ago. But W pre-empted it by claiming abuse. Of course it is not possible to consider if I am abusive. So that did not happen.


She wept often. She was drunk often. Cranky - she'd snap at me for nothing. She was unreliable. Gone all the time. Forgetful. Distracted. She ignored the kids. Nothing got done at home.

She was also very cheeky. We drove to a wedding, and along the way there was a store, and she said she wanted to stop and buy a souvenir for her boyfriend (she didn't refer to him that way of course). I was like, "no, that seems like a dumb idea. why get him a souvenir?" She couldn't explain it. She was in love, although I didn't know it.

Re-telling this is making me pretty upset. I cannot believe I still want this woman.

It's because affair are mostly not about the sex. Good Sex naturally follows in a good relationship. In a good relationship, you feel close to someone else, you want to comfort them, they want to care for you, and you can. Mutually, everything fits together. You love each other, and there is room for each individual, and room for the kids, other family, friends. I can have sex with my wife, and look my mother in the eye the next day. It's right. Everything is right in the world.

An affair is the opposite. Everything is upside down in the world. The participants know, deep down, it is wrong. That alone is good enough reason for the sex to be horrible. There is no room for anyone else. If anyone else were to find out, it would mean condemnation and censure. The man wants to have sex but he knows this is not a good thing, it's not right. So he just cannot. If you have sex with someone who is not your spouse, the next day you cannot bear to look your own parents in the eye.

I read a bunch of books on affairs and this was a consistent theme. More often than not, the sex is no good. It's rotten, because the relationship is rotten. We talk about how an afair hurts the left-behind spouse. But an affair also damages the participants, more than they realize.

I am so sorry SPM. You have definitely been dealt a mean hand. I am sorry your W cannot see what she is losing. I have to believe that she will. Sometimes good guys do come last sadly.

I am having a ' what am I doing day today ' I have been Dbing and I just seem to be hanging. No movement forward and no movement back (thats probably good ). There was no follow up on the sexy flirty dressing and behaviour. All came to nothing.

I do get frustrated and impatient and for past couple of days I have felt - what am I fighting for. Friday night last night and not a word from H. He was probably out and for the firt time in a long time I did not care at all. That worries me a little - Am I giving up the fight .

Here is me advising you about keeping your sights focused and today I feel a bit like you do We have summer coming around again and do i want another lonely one ?

Next week all our friends are having a BBQ and H has indicated that he feels a little uncomfortable with me. I took this to mean he did not want me to go so i said "Hey no worries I wont go unless asked " H said " Thanks for that "

Well at girls poker night the subject came up and I said that I would not be going if I was not asked. They were shocked and angry. They think he is trying to freeze me out. All our friends are my friends but he now has a great relationship with there husbands - fishing . golf poker etc

I dont think i should go unless asked. Otherwise he will ignore me and everyone will notice?

Thoughts ........

Thanks for the A and sex talk , it makes a lot of sense. I know that although I went along with the sex it was not what i got out of A or needed from A. But I also choose to go ahead and get into bed.

Interesting bout your kids and wife because I was the same. But I still believe it was mixed with me being on a high and happy. Perhaps not. H said I was horrible. We came to America for a holidy during this time and I know i ignored him and wished it was someone else with me.





Hmmmmm not sure hurt but certainly heightened and blew out of proportion any problems in my M. Ths created and still leaves me today with a feeling of where would I be today if it had not of happened? In a really ugly marriage.

I am sad.

I am sad because I feel that I have no intrinsic value. I have spent my life pinning happiness to things that are often only short term measures to keep unhappiness away.

Having an A was a big one and unfortunitly for me - it was the last time I felt happiness only to now think that it was all a fake.

Hi SPM,

I've had a good read of this thread, and I can't believe the bind you're in. That's really, really tough. I don't know what to say, so I'll just sit and carry you in my thoughts.

I really liked the contrast between a good relationship and an affair. Especially the bit about how everything just fits together, friends, family, job, everything. I don't have that now. It would be difficult to achieve now or with someone new if I end up getting a D.

Sometimes I get angry at my situation and want to go out with someone. But I know it wouldn't be a good thing. Angry sex is not good sex and I wouldn't be able to look my mom or my kids in the eye.

Max,

You are not worthless. You are a child of the universe and you have every right to be here. People make mistakes. You're not the first and you certainly won't be the last.

I'm not condoning what you've done (or what I've done), but there's a limit to how much I will flog myself over stuff. My DB coach said to look at my separation like a gift. It's a chance to work on me, without being pressured on a day to day basis to "be perfect".

I've learned to forgive myself. For me, forgiveness is the decision to not live in the past. It's not easy...there are lots of "past" bits that keep cropping up, but they don't serve me. Anger doesn't serve me. Self-pity doesn't serve me. If my M survives, then I want to be a better person than what I was in the old relationships. And if I'm a better person than before, then who cares what the old person was like. I gotta look forward and keep learning and keeps smiling. If my M doesn't survive, then I'm still a better person for the sake of my kids and everyone else around me.

My W has this same view of herself.

Max have you considered counseling?

Yeah I have done counseling as a couple and the odd time I went on my own, it was all about the A and the fallout. She did the old -" lets look at your father figure " ( I have a great father )

Since reading Dbing I see the importance of getting a good counselor and after sleeping on things I see maybe the sad feeling as a breakthrough. Sooooo come monday maybe I will troll through the yellow pages.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Maybe if they were to anaylse all us Ws who have had A, they will find this trait to be a common one. This being the case - did you husbands ever stand a chance of a good marriage. Could be the cards were stacked against you from the start.

I can easily forget the past and look forward. I am fantastic with that, BUT what says we have not learned the real reason, for why we did what we did, and we make the same decision again, with the same intensity that we did in the past. A sense of entitlement, a massive selfish act, a disregard for the feelings of all those others affected !

How can we be confident that should (God willing ) our M become real again that in 1 year or 2 years that we dont go and do it again.

I can tell you with absolute conviction that I would never do it again today but in reality will i feel like this in the future.

Man i think i need to see someone.

You know, I don't think that we ever did stand a chance. Maybe that is why I'm so accepting of the probable likelihood of D. With her troubled past, I think that I was doomed as a H; but have two great kids.



My W could have said this to me verbatim. I am real impressed that you are here posting your thoughts. I'm sure that many more of LBS H's will treasure the insight you have started posting on this board.

Help, I think you do need. I cannot even begin to understand what you must be feeling inside; I can only recognize it as I have seen this play out in my M at least 4 times. I am talking about the cycle of emotion and attachment to me by the W vs. the lack of empathy and detachment that she exhibits on a cycling basis.

Thanks for being here. I'll keep watch.